How do I make him listen and leave

[MysticalMoon]

Hey everyone I'm new on here.
I have been in a relationship for 4 years and have 2 children with him.
Last Xmas we had an argument as usual and he left, and spent 3 weeks at his family's house getting drunk and coked up and texting me abuse as always.
Enough was enough for me. I told him it was over and next.came the accusations as to I must be sleeping with someone else etc.and the guilt tripping how he would lose his job if I didn't let him back.he bullied his way back.
Silly me thought he won't listen to words that it's over so I'll show him actions.
Now 4 months down the line and he's still here.i don't go near him. We always argue. I don't love him I've told him this repeatedly.
I'm not sure if he stays out of spite or because he has nowhere really to go. He fell out with his family after Xmas. Yet another long story after his sister told me what he had been up to there behind my back. Of course he denied it and called her a liar. More than one person has told me things about him yet he always says they're lying.
Anyway.. It's over 100% in my eyes.
But I can't make him listen! He just carries on as though I've not said it! It's not normal
And I feel so depressed and trapped. I daydream about how much better my life will be with him gone. But every time I get my hopes up that he's listened,they get dashed.
I don't know what to do anymore. Making me feel as though I just have to live this way. Why wont he just leave? He's a grown man,he works,he can find his own place and go! So why is he just not listening?
I'd appreciate any advice at all I'm desperate....

Honestly I wouldn't even bother at all with one last talk, just call the police now whilst he's in bed.

You've talked and talked and told him to leave and he hasn't, this talk will be no different. You're wasting your time and dragging the whole process out.

I don't want to call them while my children are here to be honest. Because if he kicks off with police,which he will,they'll have to witness that.
But they go to bed early so it can hold for a few hours. They've seen enough shit as it is from that asshole

I think you should call 111 and tell them you are intending to ask your abusive partner to leave and are worried about what he might do.

They may give you a number to text if you need support or something.

I strongly recommend changing locks and ignoring the banging on door/call police

He's in bed, call the police, take your children to the park. None of you have to see it that way.

Have you got an large scary looking male relatives or mates? Pack his stuff while he's out, get them round, send him on his way. Start your life.

He's just got up so I'm stuck now

I do have a doctor's appointment later on and the local police station is right near it so I could pop in aslong as he doesn't tag along

Honestly I think you're making excuses (I'm not being mean).

You're scared and trying go avoid the situation because you don't think you're strong enough to deal with the fallout and all the drama that may happen.

Putting it off isn't going to benefit anyone.

The sooner you ring the police the sooner you start a fresh.

Take your kids to the park and ring the police. You putting it off a few hours will turn into tomorrow and that'll turn into next week. Talking to him won't make him leave you've tried that and he knows you are going to go through with anything you say so he knows no one is going to make him leave.

Once the police come and he's gone, you then need to contact woman's aid/the freedom programme for support so you don't end up doing all this for nothing and taking him back a week later.

I dont think you're ready to actually see him leave tbh, until you're ready to say and admit to yourself this relationship is over and there's no going back, nothing will change long term.

You may think carry on as you are is the easier option but in the long run it's actually going to end up making things harder.

Believe me I'm ready to see him leave.
But I have to remember I've got 2 young children here so whatever aftermath I'm facing, my kids are going to be in the middle of it. It's not just about me. Because trust me if it was I'd quite happily take the shit Ive had worse and survived.
Because I don't want my kids to suffer doesn't mean I'm not ready to end it.
It just means that obviously I would in an ideal world it came to an end without the shit if possible.
If not then last resort I will have to call police but it's not something I'd do lightly as I know I'd be getting the ball rolling for a whole heap of shit to come my way and my kids way.

They are top priority to me and I have to protect them as best I can.
Like I said I've been here before with the violent ex and even when I left him the damage to my kids was still being done

If there was no kids involved believe me.id of kicked his ass, chucked out his stuff and I'd quite happily take whatever he threw at me.
But it's my kids going to be put thru it too isn't it.
So like I said it will be last resort going down that route. But only because of their welfare. Not mine

You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Your children do not have to be in the middle of it when he kicks off and nor do you. You are not living but merely surviving life with him day to day.

He is abusive and as such he was and is never going to be reasonable anyway. He likes having you around because you are to him easily manipulated.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Your own boundaries, perhaps a bit suspect as they were to begin with, have been now further lowered by this person. You cannot reason with an unreasonable person and he will in all likelihood remain obstructive towards you and the children after you have finally separated from him. This does not mean to say that you should not separate from him for good, absolutely not.

You got away from a previous abuser and you will ultimately have to do the same again with this person. Putting off the inevitable parting of the ways because of your innate fear of him (and fear of their abuser amongst a myriad of reasons often keeps women within such relationships) is not going to help you or your children for that matter.

I agree with everything you have said
I don't intend to stay with him I made up my mind and there's no changing it.
I'm just trying to find an easier way if at all possible to get him out.i also know this is very unlikely as he's like a little child who has a tantrum when something happens that he doesn't like.
I'm not scared of him. In fact if it came to the crunch I would probably kick his ass.lol I have a black belt in kickboxing, lesson learnt from being with a violent man.
I just don't want my kids dragged into it all.and I know him so well I know that's what he would do to get at me.
But I have to repeat I am not scared of him. He's just an immature little asshole and I'm sick of being took for a mug and I want out.
My problem is I'm not an asshole and hate treating people like shit even if it's deserved and in his case it is!
Too good for my own good that's my problem

You cannot fully protect them from his abuses of you because he is still there. They see and hear a lot from both of you, perhaps more than you realise. Sound travels and they are walking on eggshells around him too.

Did you yourself grow up seeing similar?.

You cannot stay with him simply because of these children and your fear that they will also be harmed by a break up or his reprisals, they are already being profoundly affected now by what they are seeing around them. No man is above the law here either, not even him and he has no special powers.

Their home is no sanctuary to them, its a warzone and their dad is conducting his own private based war against you.

You need to value yourself much more highly; how can you be helped with achieving this?. It is clear you do not value let alone love yourself at all and that also made you far more attractive a prospect for someone like this person anyway to get his claws into. You were targeted deliberately.

Nothing will change as long as you're making excuses for it not to.

Pack his bags while he's at work, change the locks, and leave his stuff outside with a little note saying bye bye. Close the curtains, put the TV on so the kids can't hear, and phone the Police if he doesn't go.

There isn't an easy way. You're months down the line and nothing has changed. Quit with the apathy and step up to being the parent that your kids deserve.

"I'm just trying to find an easier way if at all possible to get him out.i also know this is very unlikely as he's like a little child who has a tantrum when something happens that he doesn't like".

He is going to remain obstructive and difficult and the most dangerous time for you is really now, in the time leading up to an actual separation. Let him bloody tantrum and in front of the authorities, they won't stand for it and neither should you. He does not have to use physical force to hurt you, words are enough and you've had more than enough hurt from him. You may not be physically afraid of him but you certainly have a fear of him in terms of potential reprisals going forward. Do you honestly think he would actually want to bother with his own children going forward, no he would merely use them as a stick to beat you further with as punishment.

What he has done affects your children as well, they see how you react to him and learn from you also about relationships. This is patently not the model of a relationship they should see. Such men too like this man, hate women, all of them.

He saw in you a challenge to take down with him into his pit and at this time he is dragging you down with him. He wants to take your children there too.

Making him leave your home isn't treating him like shit.

Call or talk to the police today. They can arrange for a visit to escort him from your house. After that, block every number and get advice on harassment and non-molestation orders.

Just imagine - you could be free, this evening.

Fucking hell. This isn't rocket science. And it's not a game. Your children are being damaged in all this. Go to the police station with your kids. Tell them your abusive partner is refusing to leave the house and threatening you. GET HIM OUT.

Fucking hell. This isn't rocket science. And it's not a game. Your children are being damaged in all this. Go to the police station with your kids. Tell them your abusive partner is refusing to leave the house and threatening you GET HIM OUT

THIS...

Thanks everyone for the advice.
Please bare with me for slow replies as it's dinner/bath/ bedtime for my little ones now

I had a similar situation, single mum, a man who wouldn’t leave and was an angry waste of space. He also worked nights.

I planned it. I fixed the date I was going to evict him. I spoke with my parents and arranged for my dd to be at my mums. I packed his stuff into bin bags and then put them into a wardrobe so he didn’t see them when he came in from work and into bed. I left it an hour and then my dad came around. I woke ex up told him he was leaving now. When he begged I kept repeating “this isn't working for me”.
He left, with his bin bags.
When he started a text avalanche, coming around to the house, calling constantly. I then rang 111 and the police kindly warned him he would be facing a non mil if he didn’t back off.

Emotional effect on my dd was non existent.

My advice to you is stop living in fear and plan to remove this man. I had a thread on here at the time and it was amazing support.

Non mol not mil!!

But it's my kids going to be put thru it too isn't it. So like I said it will be last resort going down that route. But only because of their welfare. Not mine
Please - stop using the kids as an excuse to avoid doing what needs to be done!
They're already 'going through it' every day that he's there!

He's never going to be reasonable and there's never going to be a 'right time or way' to do it - his sort are best dealt with by asking the police for help.

You came out of one abusive relationship and ended up quickly and deeply embroiled in another.

That pattern will continue unless you get some help for yourself so you understand healthy boundaries and behaviour and don't end up in another abusive relationship.

Please don't say I'm using my kids as an excuse not to make him go.my kids are the only reason this hasn't already got nasty.
They need their mom around,not in shit and possibly locked up because of some dickhead.
I have not gone from one abusive relationship to another. My post earlier on said the other one was 20 years ago when I was 17 to aged 22.
I have had other relationships and been single since then.
The common factor is also I have kids with them both
Believe me since the first abusive relationship I have not stood for any shit off men at all
This one is a useless waste if space who likes to bully to get his own way but that doesn't mean I allow him to with everything.
My problem is I'm not him. I'm not selfish and cold hearted as much as I'd like to be right now
But I have reached my limit and I'm done with being nice about it and putting up with him being here which is why I'm done.
As much as I hate him I don't wanna see him on the streets. I wouldn't with anyone
That just means maybe I'm too soft with people that don't deserve sympathy.i can't help that. That's just the way I've always been.most likely why I've been took for q mug.
Of course it would be so much easier to chuck his ass out and forget he exists. But he's still my kids father whether I'm with him or not. And even if the asshole has no respect for me and my kids that doesn't make me the same as him.
I'm not making excuses to not make him go so please don't judge me.i just find it hard to serve people their comeuppance! Even if it's justified and well deserved. That's just not me.
So please understand I was just looking for an easy way out I guess. But that doesn't mean for one minute, that if there isn't one, that I will stay forever with a man I don't love and can't stand because it doesn't.
I'm not that young gullible girl I was the First time round.
I just want him out my life once and for all so was seeking advice. If it comes to it, and no doubt it will because yes you are right he's not a reasonable person. Too selfish for that. Because if he was he would of put his kids first and left. And if this wasn't my house is of left years ago.

There isn't an easy way out.

He has no incentive to leave. He'd rather stay where the home comforts are. He's not going to have an epiphany and realise his behaviour is bad and he should leave.

It's going to have to be you buckling up and getting him out.