Can’t forgive H. Angry all the time. What can I do?

[Collinson]

Regular poster, NC for this.

I have 3 children. H is a workaholic. He usually leaves around 5-6am and gets home around 8-10pm. Works away for weeks at a time sometimes too.
At one point I had 3 children under 4. Because of his work we live abroad very far from friends and family and there are no childminders. This is our permanent home now. For years I struggled alone with 3 young children, doing EVERYTHING, whilst living in a house in the middle of renovations. It was very hard and I really struggled. DH refused to take any time off - only Christmas Day (and only then because he had to because everyone else did).

He hardly ever saw the children. If he did he was Disney dad before fucking off again.

I can’t describe how unimaginably hard I found those years. No friends, no childcare, no respite at all for 24 hours a day through pregnancies, newborns and toddlers. No life except children and resentment.

It all came to a head when he had an emotional affair 18 months ago. I strongly suspect it went further than that as he was working away with her at the time but he (obviously) vehemently denies this. And I have no proof. I suspected the affair for a long time and he always angrily denied it, but finally I read his texts where he told her he loved her etc.

I was going to leave and he promised to change. And he did. He now takes some Sundays off, and didn’t work over Easter for the first time ever. He agreed to get a part time nanny and things improved slightly.

HOWEVER. I have lasting health issues from the stress of that time. I have stomach acid problems and quite bad IBS. I have bad stomach aches most days and a very limited diet. All stress induced. I have anxiety and the smallest amount of stress sets off a flare-up. I also have very irregular periods due to extreme stress, and have to take the pill due to this which gives me other unwanted side effects. Secretly, I hold him and his behaviour responsible for all of this.

He really has changed, and really does try. But I just feel like it’s too little too late. Everything he does makes me angry. I’m always angry with the children. I can’t cope with being around them (but I still have to, and do everything with them. Nanny was only temporary).
When he is around, he just plays with the children and winds them up. They think he’s wonderful. But it’s easy when you skipped all the hard baby years and just step into the lives of three fun young children. I’m the miserable one who disciplined them, he’s like Santa.

I don’t want to leave him. How can I get over the anger? I used to be such a happy person. Would couples counselling help?

Long, sorry.

Tl;dr - H behaved appallingly for years, now trying more, I’m still pissed off with him.

Anyone?

Can you get the nanny back? Sounds like you need to develop your own interests/maybe a job outside the home, dedicate some time to yourself... and definitely get the nanny back!

This man cheated on you. Leave for Gods sake.

Why don't you want to leave him? Do you work?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Why do you not want to leave him even after all that has happened?. His workaholism and his emotional affair are both death knells to your marriage. Staying with him is costing you dearly in terms of your mental and physical health also.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. They in all likelihood do not think he is all that wonderful anyway particularly if he is adept at winding them up.

Perhaps counselling for your own self would be helpful here; I doubt very much if he would enter into counselling willingly and if he does refuse then go on your own.

I guess you never sought counselling for the affair either after discovery. Apart from anything else your H has also had an emotional affair and you saw text messages relating to this. How can you therefore write you had no proof (and of course he was going to deny it); that is proof enough surely?.

Why did you put up with it for so long? Honestly, it sounds like it is too little too late. Are you in a position to go 'home'? You say you live abroad, would you have support if you went back to your home country?

I wanted to try and make things work.. all that happened is I turned into a paranoid, angry, unhappy person....none of which are my usual personality traits.
I gave it a year, but just had to call it a day - for my own sanity.

I'm sorry, that's terrible. If he works away all the time what about just moving back home, to your friends and family?

I think your anger is justified. Anger isn't something terrible - it's a clear sign that something is very wrong. I don't think it's possible to simply move past that, you (or he will) have to do something to change it and put it right. Too little too late might actually be the crux of this. It's going to take a lot more to fix it and possibly might already be broken beyond repair. But as a minimum you need your lives to stop revolving around him and his needs, and to shift to focusing on you and your needs, for at least a few years - and then maybe you can move forward together. If he can't see the need for that though, or can't bring himself to put his own interests aside for the time you need, you might be done.

Why do you want to stay with him, aside from the idea of breaking up the family/disrupting the children being (presumably) awful - if you put that aside would there be anything left?

Why don't you go and see a counsellor to sort out your feelings.
You must have had some idea it would be tough with 4 young children and a husband who has to work to support you and at his level of work employers can be misogynistic and expect excessive work, I've heard blokes on the train pouring scorn on men who put family life first.
It must piss him off coming home to a misery all the time too.
I'm not being mean but I can see it from both sides.
Divorce would be horribly disruptive and would probably mean you have an even worse life with no money.
You both need to talk with or without a counsellor and do it soon before the damage is irreperable and work something out that will suit both of you.
I lived abroad with my first husband, ok only with one child but it was horribly isolating, I didn't speak the language well enough to actually have fun with a friend and hated it.
Whatever you do you need to thrash out the options rationally with your husband and make him listen.

Sounds like you need to develop your own interests/maybe a job outside the home, dedicate some time to yourself... and definitely get the nanny back!

This isn’t really an issue any more. The children are nearly all in school and I have a sport that I do. We’re out of the relentless toil of the baby years. But it’s taken it’s toll on me.

Why don't you want to leave him?

He’s my husband. I love him in a way. It would mean tearing the children’s and his lives apart, as I wouldn’t stay in this country. It’s never as easy as just LTB.

Staying with him is costing you dearly in terms of your mental and physical health also.

Yes. But leaving could cost more, that’s the reality.

Perhaps counselling for your own self would be helpful here; I doubt very much if he would enter into counselling willingly and if he does refuse then go on your own.

He would, he wants to do whatever he can to make it work. But what if the counsellor just sided with him? I’m not strong enough to fight any more.

I guess you never sought counselling for the affair either after discovery

I did, but found it very upsetting and unhelpful. Perhaps that was just the counsellor. It put me off going back. She just agreed with me that it all sounded intolerable, watched me cry for an hour but didn’t really have any answers.

your H has also had an emotional affair and you saw text messages relating to this. How can you therefore write you had no proof (and of course he was going to deny it); that is proof enough surely?.

I mean proof that it went further, ie physical.

I am struggling somewhat with your post, because I simultaneously empathise with you and also wonder how the situation persisted for so long. Did you conceive your second and third children while abroad?

My own DH did something that I found very hard to forget. But in the end I had to let it go. I still remember it and take it into account when situations crop up - as it is part of our history - but I got to a point where I was willing to look forward again.

It isn't my idea if a marriage. You still hardly see him, do virtually all of the childcare, don't have holidays together as a family and are angry with him all the time.

You say you don't want to leave him but why do you want to stay with him?

Did you look at the reasons for his EA and resolve any issues that led to it. I can't see what he is getting out of the relationship either. You both hardly see each other.

You must have had some idea it would be tough with 4 young children and a husband who has to work to support you

Funnily enough no, I’d never done it before. And he doesn’t have to work to support me. He chooses to work so much.

at his level of work employers can be misogynistic and expect excessive work,

He owns the company.

I am struggling somewhat with your post, because I simultaneously empathise with you and also wonder how the situation persisted for so long. Did you conceive your second and third children while abroad?

Child one - I was in my early 20s, supremely confident in my own abilities, and loving life with my one very easy baby who slept through from 8 weeks.

Child two - really happy to conceive playmate for child one. Started to feel strain towards end of pregnancy. H working more. Things start taking their toll.

Child three - unexpected. By time child 3 born, after going through pregnancy alone with 2 under 2 I was just a shell of a person. DH pretty much absent.

That’s how.

Well in that case it's unreasonable, I spoke not knowing all the ins and outs.
But you still need to have that talk. It's better to try and talk it through than go through the horror of a divorce. I know that all too well having done it twice.

I'm so sorry. I would have a very very hard time forgiving too. And even more, I'd worry about what his affair says about his values and your position in his life.

I was in a similar situation once - left my country, my family of origin, my support network, and my career to follow my husband and his career goals. He worked and flourished while my function was to take care of the home and act as his supporting sidekick. I had no full work permit in our new country, and anyway, who would have taken care of the kids. And then he had an affair with a colleague and told me he "always preferred more independent women with careers of their own".

I still can't even describe the feelings of rage I felt when I heard him say that. I did not divorce him then, but the marriage was never the same.

What would fix this for you?

I'm genuinely not being unsympathetic, but it seems that the worst of it is over now, and you're still struggling because you're holding the resentment. You can't do that. You can leave him, or you can find a way to get passed the resentment, but it's poisoning you to hold onto it.

Couples counselling doesn't seem likely to work here, he'll explain he was doing what he thought was right, you'll explain how upset you were and how hard it was, the counsellor will work on current solutions and find ways forward but it sounds like the set up now works a lot better. I can't see how it would help with the older resentment.

Counselling by yourself is an option but they won't offer you answers, they'll let you talk and try to guide you towards answers yourself; and it doesn't sound like you enjoyed that experience.

So what would fix it, for you? If it's genuinely unfixable, and you can't see a way past this, then it's as good as over.

Did you look at the reasons for his EA and resolve any issues that led to it.

I don’t think it was anything too deep. She was pretty, young and fun, and he ‘felt neglected’ that his wife who was busily bringing up his babies alone at home didn’t immediately shower him with kisses and BJs on his returns home.

Nothing original.

When you say the nanny was only temporary, do you mean your husband engaged one for long enough to calm you down and get you back underfoot?

Your life is making you really ill and I don't get the impression your husband cares enough about this to facilitate changes that would allow you truly to enjoy life and regain your health.

You need to take back some control, can you go on holidays for a week without the children and make him take on the parenting (in the real world). Take the time to assess how you want to function as an independent entity, rather than a satelite of his.

You are currently the family slave, no wonder you feel resentment. Presumably he earns a lot, iven all the working. Find ways not to be the slave.

Firstly, if your contraception is causing unpleasant side effects go and see your doctor and try something else. Irregular periods can be helped by things other than the pill. Even changing pill might help.

Secondly, regarding your anger, please go and get some counselling. I suggest you first go and get some counselling just for you - the couples counselling can (maybe) come later. You have a lot of issues and resentment that you need to work through and if your DH is there I suspect that what you'll want to do is yell at him. Go for yourself, with a view to deciding what you'll do about your relationship once you've sorted through your anger and resentment and got yourself to a better place mentally.

And finally, the bit that you're not going to want to hear, but I really think you have to take some responsibility for the situation you find yourself in. Your DH is a workaholic who moved you overseas. You knew he was like that and you knew you would have no help, so why on earth did you choose to have three DC in quick succession? As soon as you had the first one you'd have had some idea of what you were letting yourself in for. It's all very well being furious at him for not changing and magically becoming the helpful DP you wanted him to be, but I honestly think that you need to accept that you were a willing participant in a) the move and b) the three pregnancies. Those two things, coupled with his workaholism made you life hell, but you had a choice to marry him (I presume?), and you had a choice to go abroad and get pregnant three times in quick succession. For you own sanity I really think you have to accept your part in this. It might even help to dispel some of you anger.

Ok, understood.

So perhaps the issue was that DH's behaviour escalated rather than being like that from Day 1, so you are always living in hope that it will go back to what it was before...

Ultimately, I think that you need put the past to one side, look at your life now and ask yourself if this is the life that you would choose for yourself and for your children.

What would fix this for you?

I wish I knew :(

I'm genuinely not being unsympathetic, but it seems that the worst of it is over now, and you're still struggling because you're holding the resentment. You can't do that. You can leave him, or you can find a way to get passed the resentment, but it's poisoning you to hold onto it

It really is.
He is trying now, but everything he does pisses me off. I want to love him again like I used to. He’s not a bad person. He fully admits that the way he behaved is wrong, he hasn’t tried to get out of being blamed.

I really think you have to take some responsibility for the situation you find yourself in. Your DH is a workaholic who moved you overseas. You knew he was like that and you knew you would have no help, so why on earth did you choose to have three DC in quick succession?

See previous reply.

He wasn’t always like this, it got worse.