Can’t forgive H. Angry all the time. What can I do?

[Collinson]

Regular poster, NC for this.

I have 3 children. H is a workaholic. He usually leaves around 5-6am and gets home around 8-10pm. Works away for weeks at a time sometimes too.
At one point I had 3 children under 4. Because of his work we live abroad very far from friends and family and there are no childminders. This is our permanent home now. For years I struggled alone with 3 young children, doing EVERYTHING, whilst living in a house in the middle of renovations. It was very hard and I really struggled. DH refused to take any time off - only Christmas Day (and only then because he had to because everyone else did).

He hardly ever saw the children. If he did he was Disney dad before fucking off again.

I can’t describe how unimaginably hard I found those years. No friends, no childcare, no respite at all for 24 hours a day through pregnancies, newborns and toddlers. No life except children and resentment.

It all came to a head when he had an emotional affair 18 months ago. I strongly suspect it went further than that as he was working away with her at the time but he (obviously) vehemently denies this. And I have no proof. I suspected the affair for a long time and he always angrily denied it, but finally I read his texts where he told her he loved her etc.

I was going to leave and he promised to change. And he did. He now takes some Sundays off, and didn’t work over Easter for the first time ever. He agreed to get a part time nanny and things improved slightly.

HOWEVER. I have lasting health issues from the stress of that time. I have stomach acid problems and quite bad IBS. I have bad stomach aches most days and a very limited diet. All stress induced. I have anxiety and the smallest amount of stress sets off a flare-up. I also have very irregular periods due to extreme stress, and have to take the pill due to this which gives me other unwanted side effects. Secretly, I hold him and his behaviour responsible for all of this.

He really has changed, and really does try. But I just feel like it’s too little too late. Everything he does makes me angry. I’m always angry with the children. I can’t cope with being around them (but I still have to, and do everything with them. Nanny was only temporary).
When he is around, he just plays with the children and winds them up. They think he’s wonderful. But it’s easy when you skipped all the hard baby years and just step into the lives of three fun young children. I’m the miserable one who disciplined them, he’s like Santa.

I don’t want to leave him. How can I get over the anger? I used to be such a happy person. Would couples counselling help?

It really is. He is trying now, but everything he does pisses me off. I want to love him again like I used to. He’s not a bad person. He fully admits that the way he behaved is wrong, he hasn’t tried to get out of being blamed.

What actions has he taken to fix things?

I was dubious about couples counselling until I tried it - now I would recommend it to anyone!

We didn’t stay together but it helped us break up in a healthy way and we are now great co parents and even live on the same street.

Go into counselling with no expectations and see where it goes. If your H cannot attend, go for counselling alone.

I totally get this, I've been there.
What's happened is in the past but it's affected your mental health so you need to address that, but deal with it separately to your actual relationship.
ShinyShoe gave great advice. For me vitamin supplements lifted my mood and mental health workshops, rather than therapy, worked wonders by helping me to realise what my stress triggers are and helping me be a happier person.

counselling with the right counsellor might help. It might require some trial and error. Or cognitive behaviour therapy.

Also, finding something for you that gives you an identity away from the kids. Thin of something you used to enjoy or something you have never tried and fancy doing every week - a new sport, a musical instrument, a creative class... Carve out time for it.

Also, make sure you get fun time with the kids, so your life isn't just the drudgery of bedtimes and school runs. Perhaps make a point of leaving 2 kids with their Dad and taking each child off for an individual special Mummy outing when you do something together.

Lastly, your husband needs to lavish attention on you. He needs to take the initiative - buy you flowers if that is what you like, book a babysitter and a night out at the theatre. Things that lift you out of your ordinary everyday life.

It is tough for intelligent women who become SAHMs. You are not alone and I am sure your thread will help lots of women in a similar situation.

The thing that stands out for me from your posts OP is that you don't seem to be enjoying being with your children (correct me if I have misunderstood). You also mention being depressed and anxious. Have you considered talking to your doctor about this?

There's lots of advice here for how to make yourself feel better, which is great.
However, it sounds like you're saying you want to stay with him, in which case as well as working on your stress and anxiety, you also need to work on your relationship.

On principle, he should be grovelling, making all the effort and no one in the house should like him, he certainly shouldn't be Disney dad. It doesn't sound like that's realistic though, so if you really do want this to work you may have to put that aside.

I think if it were me I would figure out what may make me less angry at him - maybe if he brings you flowers sometimes or something to show he's thought of you. Do you want him to keep in touch more throughout the day so you feel less lone dealing with the kids etc. Is there anything he needs to do to demonstrate you can trust him again? And then you need to talk to him about this, tell him how serious this situation is, you said he will do anything, so make sure he is putting in some work, tell him what you expect. If he doesn't deliver you know how much he values the situation, if he does deliver, with baby steps you may feel loved and nurtured again.
It sounds like you guys need to go be a couple too, like have a date, or go do something a bit scary that will bring you together, even just a day on some rollercoasters or something else you've never done. He needs to make time for your relationship, he managed to find time for his relationship with someone else, so he's got the availability.
Make him work, show you how important you are, how important your relationship, your family, how much he appreciates you etc. If you feel love and effort and remorse from him, alongside working on yourself, your anger may start to fade a tiny bit.

It sounds like you need a nanny and counselling ASAP. The nanny will give you some breathing space and help you get your own heath back. A counsellor will help you with the rage (justified) and find a coping stragegy. Which might include leaving him.

But don't make a decison until then. You need a clear head for this.

Another echoing shinyshoe's advice.
I came through the baby years with a huge resentment towards my dh.
I went to a counsellor (not couples, just for me), with my mind set that i would be getting divorced (he had no idea i was so angry).
After a few weeks talking through various issues, i realised that some of my anger was misplaced and that some of the issues were of my making and that i had not handled things as well as i could have.
We are still together, i am less resentful and in a much better head space. He is by no means a perfect dh, but i am better equipped to cope.
One thing i do have is a fabulous relationship with my dc, in a way that he doesn't, for all his disney dad approach.

Oh OP, I have been where you are and it is a dark place

Same set up, abroad, isolated, DH having career and lots of trips, me holding the babies. No affair, but replace affair with alcoholism. I thought he loved drink more than me.

I lived in quite a charming but difficult country to live, and had a combination of panic attacks (weird physical episodes where it felt my skin was on fire and I could not breathe) and rage. I have always been a relaxed sort of person, easy going, flexible, conflict averse. One day I picked up a wooden chair and smashed it into the floor until it was totally smashed. I guess to an outsider I must have seemed insane. I guess I temporarily was.

It really frightened DH, and myself.

We moved back to UK, after 7 years, 2 years later DH changed jobs,kids got older, life got easier.

It took me years to get back to my real self. A friend of mine (psychologist) says I.had signs of PTSD and should get help. I was too proud.

So it took years. I guess looking back,I'd advise myself (and you) to make big lifestyle changes (DH needs to do some too) and to het help, talk through about what YOU want.

My advice is to become unashamedly selfish, to balance the DH selfishness. I went on 3 girls trips last year, leaving DH to run the house/kids. I go out in the evenings, even if not convenient for DH. I got a part time job, so DH needs to do 1 school run a week.

Wishing you all the best OP. You need to make changes, and put yourself first, and get help (counseling or good friends to talk to)

Tell DH how bad it is for you . He needs to know.

Practical things to think about:

What is the citizenship status of all of you? If your H has citizenship in the country you're in, you might be tied there til the DC are adults.

If you sought work in the country you're in, would you be able to cope alone, taking maintenance into account (which may not be enforceable depending where you are)

If you can work and childcare is available, do you think it would help your mental health? (It certainly did for me, I was fucking bonkers not working.)

If you returned to the UK with the DC, would you have support with childcare/accommodation whilst you got on your feet?

Just things to think about. I hated my H for many years before I finally left. 15 years on I still sometimes feel like I love him, but I didn't like him. At all.

I am completely in agreement with @shinyshoe

If you want to change something, you have to change something. So take her advice and invest in you. One way or another it will be transformational, and if at the end of 6 months you are not feeling any more positive towards your H, then you will be a fitter and healthier woman to embark upon a new path. You simply can't leave things as they are. Good luck OP

I do not know what country you are in but as you are habitually resident in the country that you are currently living in; it would be virtually impossible for you to leave with the children without his permission because of Hague convention that would apply in Spain France Denmark
if you are in some other countries there maybe a presumption of children staying with Father ie Middle East
if there was a divorce could you lose your right to stay and have to come back to UK without your children?
you need to check this out
I think a good couples counsellor could help, he does have to stop being Disney Dad and help with homework etc you could easily get cleaner, gardener nanny, is there anything stopping you getting a part time job or studying? does your visa restrict you to SAHM

I'm in a comparable situation. I've come to realise that no matter how hard I wish I could be okay with my STBX's past actions; no matter how much I focus on who he is now and how hard he's worked; no matter how much easier and "better" it would be for everyone if I could just be happy; and no matter how much I squash down those feelings and focus on the objectively wonderful present... the quick temper and the deadened spark inside me show me quite how impossible a task it is.

Living a life so at odds with my own heart can only leave me angrier and emptier by the day. I can't reason myself out of that. And regardless of how impractical it is at some point I just have to face up to that and accept it. How I feel is real, it's important, I can't ignore it, it won't go away, and I'm going to have to start listening to it. And if I want my children to have more than just a hollow bitter shell for a mother I'm going to have to start doing something about it.

I wonder if you might end up in a similar place...

Had a similar situation OP - will reply properly later

I know exactly how you feel OP , I found out about an emotional affair many years after it happened and whilst my H is very sorry for the hurt he caused and is a far more pleasant person than he was at one time the fact remains that something inside of me ‘flicked a switch’ and I was bloody angry and at some level I still am . None of us are perfect, I get that, but hearts and minds are fragile things, and once trust is spoilt it’s hard to actually feel quite the same, no matter if you love them or not.

I would suspect that the one-to-one counselling was stressful because it showed you where the problems were, but you felt incapable of doing anything about it as you were planning to stay with him.
This is how I felt with a counsellor before leaving my ex. After leaving him, I had another counsellor and cried just as much, but it left me feeling better, as the situation I was describing was in the past. Also, the counsellor was much better. You do have to find someone you like.

Why would you leave the country if you broke up? I stayed, and I like the place a whole lot better now I'm not spending my time sitting waiting for my ex to come home. Would it be an option to stay until the youngest is 18 and then see how you feel?

I doubt DH is going to have an epiphany. When you marry someone and go on to have children I doubt it occurs to many people to double check that they actually do want to spend time with you and that they will contribute to caring for the DCs. Not just xmas day. So it's unfair to say OP contributed to this. Who has DCs they can't be arsed to see?

I wonder if you might end up in a similar place...

I’m already there I think cranky

Thank you so, so much for all the replies. I can’t respond to each individually but I’ve read and considered them all. Just knowing that I’m not alone, that others understand and have actually taken time out of their days to respond to me, has really helped. I’m so grateful.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve shouted at my children today. I am going to drive them to hate me I tried so hard to be a good mother to them as babies, they always came first and I never took the easy route. But I’ve nothing left to give now.

I recently took up an old hobby which I used to really enjoy. DH is quite disparaging if this hobby but goes through the motions of being supportive. It’s little things like that that, if I didn’t have all this undercurrent if resentment wouldn’t be big deals on their own, but it’s all just part of a bigger picture.

he wants to do whatever he can to make it work

I can't tell whether he has said this but just doesn't mean it, since he seems to not have changed very much, or whether you are not acting on this because you don't think you can ask for what you might really want. But either way, he needs to make good on this.

What would you really want to ask him to do, if that could be anything - 'whatever it takes? So for instance, what if you said 'I want a full time nanny straight away and in the next six months I want you to sell the business and house and for us all to move back home'. (That's what I think I'd say in your shoes.) What would you ask for?

It's easy for him to be sorry and say all the right things after the fact but the point is when you needed him he wouldn't step up to the plate.
You say things have settled now but if things got difficult again do you really trust that he would be there for you?

Actions speak louder than words and he has shown you your physical and mental well being mean little to him. Thta's something that's very hard to get past. I've posted this pic before...

Are you religious? Even if not, doing research on forgiveness might help. Listening to different peoples perspective of forgiveness might help you find out exactly what you need. Well done for the effort you have already put in. I was in deep spot with my husband and I even got everything ready, but changed my mind last minute and dh agreed happily cancel the divorce proceedings. He did not cheat but is a workaholic and was at that point neglecting our family. He is much better now and I am just getting back to normal with him after two years. As long as you and your babies are safe and you got more money and most importantly your children are happy in this situation, stay. I would do more work on myself. Reduce distraction and limit the amount of time you are on the internet and tv to only essential time for one month. You might get time to hear and challenge some intrusive thoughts.

So you're home raising his children on your own and he's off with someone "younger& prettier" telling her he loves her etc. ... come on OP! What has this done for your self esteem & confidence because I'd be CRUSHED! He's away on long business trips! He's capable of cheating, you caught him, what makes you think he's not still out there doing it?! And to be honest to tell a woman he loves her after being away on business trips together etc screams AFFAIR as in physical affair, not emotional at all! ... Your children will be better off with a happy mother and in time a man that wants to be there with you all! Not shagging the young pretty girl from work!

I’m going to talk to him tonight. But what do I say?
I don’t want him to immediately go on the defensive as I just haven’t the energy to argue.

Tell him that - you’re worn down with the grind, you know you’re not being a good mum, you’re worried that the two of you are drifting apart ...

Take the approach of asking for his advice. He might listen and be more supportive (men love to be the fixer). Don’t criticise him otherwise he’ll become defensive and shit down the conversation.

After I'd had my counselling sessions, i had a conversation with my dh. I started off telling him I wasn't happy. He was so mentally separate from me, even this came as a surprise.
I was careful not to make it all his fault (by then, the counselling had helped me get a sense of perspective). Although, in your case, it is his fault - he was the one that had the affair (emotional or otherwise). Then you need to be clear what changes you need (from him, and from yourself) to get back to yourself.