Can’t forgive H. Angry all the time. What can I do?

[Collinson]

Regular poster, NC for this.

I have 3 children. H is a workaholic. He usually leaves around 5-6am and gets home around 8-10pm. Works away for weeks at a time sometimes too.
At one point I had 3 children under 4. Because of his work we live abroad very far from friends and family and there are no childminders. This is our permanent home now. For years I struggled alone with 3 young children, doing EVERYTHING, whilst living in a house in the middle of renovations. It was very hard and I really struggled. DH refused to take any time off - only Christmas Day (and only then because he had to because everyone else did).

He hardly ever saw the children. If he did he was Disney dad before fucking off again.

I can’t describe how unimaginably hard I found those years. No friends, no childcare, no respite at all for 24 hours a day through pregnancies, newborns and toddlers. No life except children and resentment.

It all came to a head when he had an emotional affair 18 months ago. I strongly suspect it went further than that as he was working away with her at the time but he (obviously) vehemently denies this. And I have no proof. I suspected the affair for a long time and he always angrily denied it, but finally I read his texts where he told her he loved her etc.

I was going to leave and he promised to change. And he did. He now takes some Sundays off, and didn’t work over Easter for the first time ever. He agreed to get a part time nanny and things improved slightly.

HOWEVER. I have lasting health issues from the stress of that time. I have stomach acid problems and quite bad IBS. I have bad stomach aches most days and a very limited diet. All stress induced. I have anxiety and the smallest amount of stress sets off a flare-up. I also have very irregular periods due to extreme stress, and have to take the pill due to this which gives me other unwanted side effects. Secretly, I hold him and his behaviour responsible for all of this.

He really has changed, and really does try. But I just feel like it’s too little too late. Everything he does makes me angry. I’m always angry with the children. I can’t cope with being around them (but I still have to, and do everything with them. Nanny was only temporary).
When he is around, he just plays with the children and winds them up. They think he’s wonderful. But it’s easy when you skipped all the hard baby years and just step into the lives of three fun young children. I’m the miserable one who disciplined them, he’s like Santa.

I don’t want to leave him. How can I get over the anger? I used to be such a happy person. Would couples counselling help?

Ultimately, I think that you need put the past to one side, look at your life now and ask yourself if this is the life that you would choose for yourself and for your children.

On paper, we all have a great life.
Big house mortgage free, no money worries, expensive hobbies for the children.

But they also have a depressed and anxiety ridden mother who is ill most days.

I think I will give counselling another try.

Thank you for all the replies.

Are the kids all going to school yet?
You have had a horrible time and been very isolated. Do you like the country you have moved to?
Would you need to move country if you left your H?

It probably feels like:
a) You’ve invested hugely in this situation and you feel like you were just getting to the point where you get a payoff at some point

b) It’s overwhelming to even think about leaving when you are so broken by what has gone before

Your husband is a selfish cunt.
He has neglected you and your children and completely disrespected you by indulging in an affair.
You are a hero. You and the kids deserve to be treated a whole lot better.

It doesn’t sound like there is going to be the happy ending you have been striving towards, seeing as how little your H has concerned himself about your wellbeing so far.

Use the anger to help you move on. Get legal advice because being abroad makes things complicated. You don’t have to act on it till you are ready but it’s a worry that you are isolated with 3 kids and in poor health - what if you get sicker? Who will take care of you all?
I think you need something in place so that you aren’t so vulnerable.

I have utter sympathy for you here. Totally understand your anger and I suspect you’ll get a lot of replies on here from women who have been through the same. I’d suggest counselling for you. Not both of you. You need to do something. You can’t carry on like this. You did all of that hard work with the kids and now it sounds like you’re pushing them away. Don’t do that. At the very least, what should come out of this is an extremely close bond between you and the kids that he can’t ever replicate because he wasn’t around. Make the most of that. Start using him to do one on one stuff with each kid. Take each one out for a few hours at the weekend and do something you enjoy, without him involved. Swimming, beach trip, horse riding...you need to swing this around and start making lemonade out of the lemon that is your husband. Get yourself a life coach so that you can work out what you need to rebuild your self esteem and self confidence. Go get a full health MOT. Spend his money on putting your health right. Get a PT and a dietician/nutritionist for your stomach problems. You now get invested in. Remember this, you survived those baby years so you’re a strong survivor and can do anything you put your mind to. I’d also suggest go see a female hormone specialist and get your FSH, Testosterone, thyroid, iron stores all checked out. After 3 babies that close together and huge amounts of stress your hormones are all likely over the place. That could also be fuelling anger if your hormone levels are wonky. Start chucking science at the problem.
So

1. counselling for you
2. health MOT and hormones checked
3. one on one fun activities with each child while your husband looks after the others (that includes him doing everything for them while you are out)
4. cleaner 2 or 3 times a week. No more housework for you for 6 months
5. life coach to work out what you need to fulfill you beyond home/kids
6. yoga, meditation, hypnotherapy for the anger spurts

Do all of that for 6 months and see if it makes a difference to your mood and anger management

Regardless of the reasons behind your anger, holding on to it in this way is making you ill. If you want to stay, you need to own your decision to do that and find a way to drop the bitterness otherwise you'll never be happy.

Begin with the end in mind - what would be a good outcome for you (bearing in mind you can't change what has happened!). At the moment, you seem to spend a lot of your emotional energy blaming your husband for stuff that can't be changed now rather than actually taking any steps to make yourself feel better on a daily basis. I'd focus on what would work for you for a bit, and try and drop the blame-game bit because that's just a constant negative in your life and isn't helping you.

If you decide not to stay - that's fine too, it's never too late. Don't waste time being angry that you didn't do it before.

ShinyShoe: Great advice!!!

OP, I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling.

To be clear, as someone experienced, you should absolutely seek some therapy for yourself. To be clear- not counselling- proper talking therapy where you can have an hour a week for yourself to offload all your feelings and gradually start to understand what's gone on on your life and how you have responded (your mind and your body).

Whether or not you choose to "LTB" is something I think you can't know now, as you are too overwhelmed and anxious / angry / stressed, physically and emotionally. (NB if you feel unsafe you must LTB but it doesn't sound as if that's the case). You need some time for yourself in talking therapy to sort though these feelings and in time you will a) feel better, and b) feel clearer about the feelings of anger and where they belong.

Alongside talking therapy I would also advocate that you set aside a bit of time each day for you. I know it's hard but see it as a priority. Pay for extra childcare if necessary. Just an hour or so a day for you to do something all for you (walking, gym, reading, bath, art, whatever is your thing). This will support your physical wellbeing as well as calm your mind.

Please please do this for yourself OP.

Yes to everything @shinyshoe says, before anything else.
inspirational post!

Couples counselling is a good idea. You say that if you left him you wouldn’t want to stay overseas, but depending on the laws of that country it’s likely that you wouldn’t have a choice.

Honestly, I think communication is incredibly important and central to any relationship. I think you should sit him down and tell him that you are going to talk and he is going to listen. Tell him exactly how you feel and what is going through your head at the moment (tell him what you've told us). Tell him how unhappy you are but that you don't want to leave. Let it all out and then let him respond to see what he himself has to say. You say you don't want to leave him, but nobody deserves to be unhappy so you really need to have this talk. Take care x

I’ve been through this with my DH to a lesser extent (threatened to walk before it got too bad). I’m mostly over the anger. Still quite miffed that he is the adored fun Disney Dad while I am the shouty mum. But as they have got older they have acknowledged that I am the one who has always been there for them and always had their back.

DS is 25 now and was talking about his childhood the other day and all that I did for him. Also reminiscing how I was at the end of my tether when he was a lazy arse with his GCSEs and he should have worked harder. He also commented that his Dad basically didn’t seem bothered or try to motivate him in any way. Kids do realise these things when they look back.

Do indeed give counselling another try. Bear in mind also that counsellors are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits in with your approach. Therefore the first person you see may not be the right fit.

re your comments in quote marks:-

"He’s my husband. I love him in a way. It would mean tearing the children’s and his lives apart, as I wouldn’t stay in this country. It’s never as easy as just LTB".

What do you mean when you write you love him in a way, is this because he is the father to your three children?. Would you want them to have a relationship like this, no you would not. And its not good enough for you either.

Were you yourself shown a similar model of marriage as a child, what did your own parents teach you about relationships here?. Leaving is never easy in any case and I also think your H knows that you are not going to leave him readily if at all currently.

He has however, not considered you or his children in any of this and this has and remains all about him including his emotional affair. His only focus has been on his own self and getting his own needs met.

Staying with him is currently costing you dearly in terms of your mental and physical health also.

"Yes. But leaving could cost more, that’s the reality".
More to whom?. It could be a chance for you to start again, change is not all bad here.

I would seriously consider what ShinyShoe has written here and put a plan like described into action.

If you put my plan into place, give it 6 months and then after that time you still feel huge anger towards him then you at least know you tried and you know you probably have to end the marriage at that point. If he owns the business you know you get a share of that if you divorce right? I’d also recommend quietly going to see a solicitor to find out exactly what all of your rights are so you know what’s what in case things go south. Work on yourself but protect yourself too. You can do this. You raised 3 kids in a foreign country all by yourself. You’re a damn superhero and don’t forget that.

I think you need to take a step back and look at your situation more clearly.You say you have a good life ,mortgage free home ,expensive hobbies for children etc.If he had been the stay at home father you wanted then your life would be much less comfortable Im afraid.That said I can only guess at how tired and TFG you must feel.If you want to go forward then you need to explain this in a heart to heart ,counselling if necessary to get an outside view of this.If you see he was doing it to give you security, you may feel less angry.Can you come home (even to see relatives ) for a while and see how you feel with a break from him?.Talking to relatives /old friends may help .As far as his affair is concerned, the reasons are classic(wife doesnt understand me)!,and this is the sympton of many men especially driven ones who want more sex than their wives can offer.Many wives become "enablers" who man the barricades at home while hubby is out conquering the world!.If you do decide to divorce ,then make sure you have a good solicitor preferably in UK for a decent settlement ,you are due Half of everything for being there while he built up his business!

I agree with everything @shinyshoe has suggested. Also, go to see a lawyer to find out exactly what your financial and legal position with the children would be if you divorced. I know you don’t want to end the marriage but you need to prepare for the worst. I’d be pretty sure that your DH has already taken legal and financial advice around the time his affair was discovered. He’s probably secretly panicking that you are about to walk away with most of the money. I know I sound very cynical but DH has a lot more to lose in a divorce than you do!

Your anger is not unreasonable. If my DH cheated I’d be fat too angry to be able to get over the way he has behaved. If you want to stay married, you have to accept that he is capable of lying and cheating. This is who he is.

Has he ever justified his behaviour?

Don't underestimate the unhappiness of your DC at having a stressed and angry mother and Disney dad. They will be affected by all of it. I'm sorry.

Great advice from Shinyshoe. I have huge sympathy for you OP and wish you all the best. You are absolutely entitled to put yourself first from now on.

Love @shinyshoe's advice - all of it. No matter how hard he's worked you've been pulling 24-hour shifts for a long time solo.
It might be now that its a bit easier in terms of child management now is the time its washing over you and feeling overwhelming. I can remember when my two were pre-schooling that I was like a shark - couldn't stop or it would be too hard to re-start.
You have every right to be furious and it won't be like this forever, but you don't have to do this all yourself. Call in the experts, prioritise your health and know your rights. Hand hold, flowers and fist bump to you.

Get counselling on your own. Learn to meditate. Practice yoga. The meditation takes practice but it will calm you and release stress.

You’ve allowed your resentment to literally eat you. Only you can change this.

I get it OP.
Those who are saying "why now?" it's because things are getting a bit better that you are gaining the perspective to be so angry with him about the past.
It's not always possible to "move on" and forgive and forget. If someone has treated you that badly it can permanently kill your love for them. Listen to your anger, and try to use it for positive change.
Another +1 for those who suggest a decent therapist and buying in whatever help you can with the house/garden.

He doesn't see the need for a nanny because he already has one – you!

He told the woman he loves her! Does it matter if it got physical or not?

You can do better, OP. There are much, much better men out there. Or you could just be single. Either way, you could have a happier life if you left.

My aunt went through exactly the same as you - 3 under 4 kids too and the last one unexpected. No support from husband who volunteered himself for extra work to get away. She had counselling on her own which didn’t help much - the counselling made her even more angry as the counsellor sided with her against the husband. Are you in any way religious/spiritual? Forgiveness is really hard but it frees us. You say you love your husband. I would work on discovering your old self and forgiveness through meditation/yoga etc. Anger and resentment hurts us the most. Most religions talk about forgiveness - I would start there. You don’t need to believe in God/Gods etc to take something from it. The old you is still there and you need to let go of the temporary self you find yourself in. It sounds like you have already improved your diet/exercise etc. Don’t know how to say all of this without sounding cheesy. Is it possible your husband did subconsciously understand the stress you were going through but didn’t know how to help so sought his own stress in a way through work? It is not like he was out gambling etc so he must have been through a hard time too in his own way.

He would, he wants to do whatever he can to make it work. But what if the counsellor just sided with him? I’m not strong enough to fight any more.

Couples counselling doesn't work that way; it's more a matter of helping people resolve their issues together.

Have you seen a doctor about your depression?