Can’t forgive H. Angry all the time. What can I do?

[Collinson]

Regular poster, NC for this.

I have 3 children. H is a workaholic. He usually leaves around 5-6am and gets home around 8-10pm. Works away for weeks at a time sometimes too.
At one point I had 3 children under 4. Because of his work we live abroad very far from friends and family and there are no childminders. This is our permanent home now. For years I struggled alone with 3 young children, doing EVERYTHING, whilst living in a house in the middle of renovations. It was very hard and I really struggled. DH refused to take any time off - only Christmas Day (and only then because he had to because everyone else did).

He hardly ever saw the children. If he did he was Disney dad before fucking off again.

I can’t describe how unimaginably hard I found those years. No friends, no childcare, no respite at all for 24 hours a day through pregnancies, newborns and toddlers. No life except children and resentment.

It all came to a head when he had an emotional affair 18 months ago. I strongly suspect it went further than that as he was working away with her at the time but he (obviously) vehemently denies this. And I have no proof. I suspected the affair for a long time and he always angrily denied it, but finally I read his texts where he told her he loved her etc.

I was going to leave and he promised to change. And he did. He now takes some Sundays off, and didn’t work over Easter for the first time ever. He agreed to get a part time nanny and things improved slightly.

HOWEVER. I have lasting health issues from the stress of that time. I have stomach acid problems and quite bad IBS. I have bad stomach aches most days and a very limited diet. All stress induced. I have anxiety and the smallest amount of stress sets off a flare-up. I also have very irregular periods due to extreme stress, and have to take the pill due to this which gives me other unwanted side effects. Secretly, I hold him and his behaviour responsible for all of this.

He really has changed, and really does try. But I just feel like it’s too little too late. Everything he does makes me angry. I’m always angry with the children. I can’t cope with being around them (but I still have to, and do everything with them. Nanny was only temporary).
When he is around, he just plays with the children and winds them up. They think he’s wonderful. But it’s easy when you skipped all the hard baby years and just step into the lives of three fun young children. I’m the miserable one who disciplined them, he’s like Santa.

I don’t want to leave him. How can I get over the anger? I used to be such a happy person. Would couples counselling help?

I’m going to talk to him tonight. But what do I say?

To be honest Collinson I would say to him you want some space and you're not sure if that will become permanent. But that's just me, coming from the position I'm in. I'd be telling him you're not angry at him, you appreciate the changes he's made and you know he's been working hard, it isn't something either of you have done recently, you just aren't sure what it is you need to be able to be happy or to be the mother you want to be for your children, and you need some space to figure that out. Because from where I'm sitting that sounds like the truth.

Then get some space, imagine what it might feel like if it were permanent, and see if a weight lifts from you. What you said about shouting at your children struck such a chord with me - I've been exactly the same. In the end it was only by fostering this little fantasy or escape in my own head that I managed to be less horrible around them. Seeing how much better my relationship with my kids was when I believed one day my situation might change is all that's kept me going to make it a reality; and yes, it's a reality that will upend their lives, but it's better than a childhood with an unpredictable and angry monster for a mother. Perhaps it will be different for you, but I do think you need space to find out.

If you want to stay with your husband, you simply have to accept what has happened and move on. If you catch yourself thinking about it, then stop. If you feel angry with him, then speak to him.
You do have a choice and the alternative is to leave if you don’t feel you can cope.
It won’t be easy but if you stay, you just have to put this to bed.

Talk about the sadness, not the anger.

Anger and accusations may lead to him going defensive.

I always have more success in these difficult conversations if I start from a point of sadness/unhappiness rather than anger.

That sounds calculating, but I guess it's what my 20 years of being married has taught me

There is no such thing as "winning" an argument.

But telling your partner you are on your knees with tiredness and feeling low and hopeless (or however you feel) should get a more sympathetic response (and after some thought may make him realise what he's doing wrong)

My DH now feels so guilty about the kids toddler years, he can't even look at pictures from that time

Argh! Marriage is bloody hard sometimes. Look after yourself OP

crankyassnoperope and user1479,etc.. Yes , yes , yes !!
That is exactly how I am feeling now. Why are you staying, have stayed. ?I feel like I have good intentions of forgiving and moving on, but sometimes I am so damn angry and can't stand the sight of him.
OP, you are still young enough to not settle for anything but the relationship you deserve.If he is willing to give you this ,great - if not , consider leaving to find one

I'm struggling to understand how someone who chose to be absent could "feeling neglected" as an excuse.

What an absolute load of nonsensical bullshit!!

Just to be clear that wasn't said in spite. I really feel for you and I think you need some support.

Do you still feel like you need more down time or is it purely the resentment?

Not for the same reasons but I have experienced this resentment before and to be honest found it impossible to let go and look at the person in the same light.

Do you feel like he really understands what it was like for you being alone all that time? Maybe he doesn't 'get it'? Would having him acknowledge that properly help in some way, perhaps?

I personally think when things get to a certain point they are too broken to be fixed, but you don't want to leave him so that isn't helpful advice.

What he's done over the years is still mentally and physically with you every day, him changing can't erase the permanent effects

Like you said, it's a little too late. But fact is you are still here wanting to make it work so with that being said, you could try marriage guidance, you could get your husband to have the kids once a week on his own so you could do something for yourself (nails, hair, spa). You could arrange a babysitter once every other week so you and your husband can go out on a date, just the two of you without the children, almost like getting to know eachother again without anyone else needing your attention

Do you think that if you divorced him, took 50% of "his" business & he was forced to see you as an equal (at least from a financial point of view) that might actually help your relationship?

You would feel more valued, he could stay at home and you could go into the office instead, you would have more control, more of an equal footing. Perhaps you could have an (emotional?) affair with someone in the office, just as he does/did.

I'm part joking, part serious here.

Your DH obviously sees you as less worthy than his business, less worthy than the woman/women he wines & dines & flirts with. What would it take for him to see you & treat you as an equal again?

Perhaps neither of you fully understands how ill you are. I feel sick reading your posts, the seering quality of the exhaustion and the hurt, the neglect, the betrayal.

A pp says It is not like he was out gambling etc but he was and is absent bcs of an addiction. It is pure agony being in a relationship with an addict, it destroys your soul.

Do have a look at Al-anon for those close to an addict. You will meet your people there.

I feel so concerned for you. I'd like to prescribe you have a year out to convalesce. I think the rage and unforgiveness are in relation to your exhaustion: mental, emotional, practical.

Your intense anger and resentment is absolutely understandable. Can you for now put all the rage in a box to deal with when you're stronger? Focus on getting well. When you interview therapists make sure you make it clear you want someone who talks, offers perspectives, suggestions, knowledge, expertise.

Take care

I would concentrate on yourself. Whilst you are saving your marriage, trying to change DH, running the home, looking after DCs, there is still little time for yourself. I would farm out the cleaning etc. We are brought up to feel to be a good DM we must do all this stuff but many good DMs don't ferry DCs clean tidy all day. Pass on as much as you can of child stuff to DH. Give yourself free time . DCs want a happy mum much more than a busy one.
You have been forced to put yourself last for years. You have the money, now it is your job to work out what you want. And this won't be easy.

My DH really hurt with poor behaviour for 2/3 years it has taken me 4/5 years to forgive him.

So I'd say it takes a long time and in all honesty it sounds like your H needs to take more time off work then he currently is.

How about H hands the business over to someone else for a sabbatical. Or two.