Husband sulking if i ask for help with DC

[CyclingMumKingston]

My husband rolls his eyes and sighs loudly if i ask him to help, but luckily he still helps

Yesterday he was in the shower at 7pm after coming from his bike ride and toddler was crying for food

So i told DH that dinner was ready and if he could please take it out of the oven and put it in our toddler's plate as i was breastfeeding our newborn

I cant open the oven with a newborn latched on (baby is very colicky and when he latches on it s often after an hour of crying his heart out)

If i ask DH why is he sulking, he says that I am only asking him to help because i am just jealous of him having a moment for himself (bike ride + shower)

He works 5 days a week and would like to relax a bit. I m on maternity leave this year.

AIBU?

Well done! That sounds like a step in a good direction? Did you decide you wanted to stay and see how things go?

So now it looks he will attend one of the work events and one abroad meeting instead of a dozen. so he's going to be at home now instead of away every week.

Is he actually going to be pulling his weight in that time, though?

Or just making more work for you (by being there)??

Is he actually going to be co-parenting? Or will you still be doing everything whilst he sits back and sulks if you ask him to lift his legs so you can hoover under them?

@ptumbi omg that s exactly what happened. Spot on. How did you know?
He is half-heartedly pretending to help.
He "dressed" DS but couldn't find any tops (they are in the usual drawers), so DS is wearing no top. Only a base layers.
Time to take DS for a walk. DS doesn't want a jacket. DH doesn't even try to convince him/ being playful. It s more like a prisoner doing his sentence rather than a happy father.
His face is tense and upset. No smiles.
Then DS says: I stay with mama. DH seems relieved and goes out on his own as: "see! He doesnt want to come with me!"

Perfect excuse: my son doesn't want to play with me so I am off. Bye

Instead of trying and be playful and a joy to be around. Basically if he looks after DS you can be sure there are tears within few minutes. He is so stroppy and unpleasant.

Sigh

Time to make plans op. Without him, you'll only have two children to take care of.

Trust me, op. This won't get better.

Why tolerate his shitty behavior and parenting? You would be so much better off without this deadweight around your neck!

Like StoneColdOld says. Your life would be so much easier without this large twat making work for you. He can't dress ds? Only half the job done? So you won't ask him to do that again, will you?
He doesn't bother with his coat? Well, you can't trust him to provide basics for ds, so you'd better do it from now on.
I bet he can't put things away either, because he doesn't know where they go, does he?

He doesn't want to Parent? he doesn't want to Partner either. He just wants a nice easy life, with someone else to pick up after him, not make any demands on him, and supply him with food, sex, clean clothes...

I seriously wouldn't bother.

This is so hard. Very tearful tonight. DS had 39 degrees fever. So I called GP first thing in the morning at 8am to get an appointment. GP gave me a last minute appointment at 8.40 am. So I asked DH for help to put DS shoes on. DH slapped them on in anger. DS started to cry asking for me.
I asked DH if he could walk us to the car so he could help and put one of the two kids in the car seat. He said angrily: I already told you I d be late for work.
Yes but I d be late for DS doctor appointment and miss it.

Tonight I asked him why could he not walk us to the car so I won't miss the GP appointment (it turns out DS has bronchitis).
He said: wake up earlier!
I said: I woke early. 6am. And I was up 6 times last night because of our newborn.
He had the cheek to reply (he always does this) that it s my fault as I decided to breastfeed.
I hate when he undermine my breast-feeding as I love the special bond with the baby
He says that he is also his son and he doesnt approve of breastfeeding (I honestly think it s more hard work to sterilise bottles than to breastfeed anytime anywhere).
I couldn't bottle feed anyway as DS is dairy intolerant so the normal cow milk based formulas over the counter wouldn't work.

If I mention I am tired DH suggestion is to just put DS in nursery for more days

Basically because I breastfeed and because I want to see DS and not have him in nursery more than 2 days a week, then I have no right to speak / ask for help as I chose to breastfeed so it s my own fault if I m tired
This drives me crazy. It tears me apart. I am so upset by his way of arguing.
Changing topic and blaming me
Then he told me: go away! He decides when we are finished talking

I m so upset I m shaking.

What s worse is that in case of divorce he would get 50/50 custody and I can't imagine how he would be parenting. Probably lots of TV and tablets. If i stay with him to at least i am able to limit the damage to DC. I don't want them alone with him. He ll turn them against me anyway and I would lose them.
He is also so skilled at making me look like the crazy one. Calm, collected and full of contempt.

Why does anyone put up with this?

You'll damage your DC if you stay with him not if you leave him.

Foul man

Ok, he will not have them 50/50! Don't worry about that

Agree, no way he'll want 50/50. He may say he does to scare you. In which case you can say you will be glad of the time to go out, meet new people and get your independence back, when you will see a rapid handbrake turn on his part. You and your DS would have a much happier life without him around.

He doesn’t want to dress his child. He definitely doesn’t want 50:50
Will you get 50% of the business?

If i stay with him to at least i am able to limit the damage to DC. I don't want them alone with him.

OP - my H was similar to yours when my kids were that age. I stayed with him for exactly the same reason, ignoring all the warnings I received on here. My kids are now teenagers and H's behaviour has deteriorated to the point where we have to split up, I am still having to make my plans etc but its going to happen. Then I can sit alone and use the next 15 years to think about how badly I have fucked up my children's lives letting them live with this arsehole. I can't even begin to describe the problems its left us with.

Please get advice and get rid whilst you still can.

He won’t want to parent 50/50
in reality given he clearly has zero interest in parenting at all. You are in a difficult situation & it will take every ounce of strength you have but you need him to leave - for your sake and the kids future, in a large part so they don’t end up like him. Good luck

Op, he won't get them 50/50.

Start writing things down. His behaviour is neglect, which is classed as abuse.

Please leave him. You can do it. Do it before he hurts you, or the DC.

There is no way he's getting 50/50 whilst the children are so young.

You need to see a solicitor to get a realistic view of what separation will actually do.

If you feel breastfeeding is the right thing for you and your baby then crack on. If he complains again, maybe pretend to consider it as the benefit of him being able to do night feeds does appeal... yeah maybe I'll think about that.... it would be nice to get a full nights sleep

And no, don't stay to 'protect' your children. LEAVE to protect your children. Right now they're living with a mean, cruel, scary man. If you leave they may have to spend time with him, but that will likely involve TV and not much else after which they can come home to their safe haven with you. Where he can't get to them.

Please don't fall for his lies. Don't trap yourself.

The younger the kids are when you divorce the better for the kids. He won't get 50/50 now as he doesn't want it. So get a move on and get it sorted ASAP. None of this is going to improve.

And what you get now in custody will likely continue for the future. So really speed in getting this started is of the essence.

Lawyers. Try and get recommendations. It took 4 goes for me to find a really good one and she was probably the cheapest of the bunch. She stuck by me for a decade of bullshit from my abusive ex. 5 trips to court.

OP, he won't want 50/50, he'd have to give up cycling for that.

I just want to tell you that I was a single mother to just the one, but it was generally very enjoyable, especially as my dd's father was also an abusive arsehole, and if I ever felt hard done by, I would just imagine him and realise how lucky I was. These bastards suck the pleasure out of being a mother too.

You really would benefit from getting some therapy to help you get your mother's voice out of your head. It is a drag that you will lose some of your property to him, but your mental health and that of your children are worth it.

Start planning your exit.

I just wanted to add something. It's been almost 3 weeks since my moody, sulky DH attacked me and I kicked him out.

Life has been very hard, and we are all up and down, but the tension in our home is gone. My DC are calmer and happier, despite periods of sadness. They feel safe again. The comparison between before and after is noticeable and real. It's better now already, in spite of everything else. You deserve happiness and peace in your life, too.

doesnt approve of breastfeeding

That is hilarious! What a ridiculous thing to pretend to believe! What possible reason could he give? Your breasts are his property?? I bet that's it.

Listen, no way will it be 50:50, add others have said. In the early days, before there's even a divorce agreement, let him see them for an hour or so at a time, regularly. Anything more than that will be too difficult for the children to adapt to. Bet that falls apart and it never progresses any further in the direction of 50:50.

A man who won’t put shoes on his sick son so the son can get to the doctors on time is not going to want 50/50.

He won’t get it want 50/50, it’s an age old trick blokes use to keep you in your place and not rock the boat by leaving. If he says 50/50 say ‘that’s great, I can go back to work, see my friends, go to the gym etc. Trust me, he’ll soon change his tune! Do you REALLY think a man who won’t walk you to the car, get up in the middle if the night or out the shoes on a suck child will want 50/50??

He won’t want 50/50