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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband sulking if i ask for help with DC

328 replies

CyclingMumKingston · 28/04/2019 15:38

My husband rolls his eyes and sighs loudly if i ask him to help, but luckily he still helps

Yesterday he was in the shower at 7pm after coming from his bike ride and toddler was crying for food

So i told DH that dinner was ready and if he could please take it out of the oven and put it in our toddler's plate as i was breastfeeding our newborn

I cant open the oven with a newborn latched on (baby is very colicky and when he latches on it s often after an hour of crying his heart out)

If i ask DH why is he sulking, he says that I am only asking him to help because i am just jealous of him having a moment for himself (bike ride + shower)

He works 5 days a week and would like to relax a bit. I m on maternity leave this year.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Nc1548 · 03/05/2019 22:50

I have intentionally left his now dry laundry hanging on the rack since Monday and he hasn't picked it up to put it away yet

It would be better left in the basket, unwashed and him ironing his own shirts is no big achievement.
He allocated you 10 minutes and wouldn't let you ask questions, sounds like a press conference rather than a relationship.
I know it's a hard situation you are in believe me, but you really are setting the bar very low.

InionEile · 03/05/2019 23:04

Interesting from your update to see that my theory re the older / younger relationship was correct. He knew you were easily manipulated when you were so much younger than him and also not from the U.K. Now you are getting more confident and he is resentful and jealous.

Insecure man-child by the sounds of it. Don’t let him trick you into accepting his half-assed apology.

springydaff · 03/05/2019 23:59

What's with the tears on his part?

Sounds like he's 'sad' you've stopped behaving Hmm

Weenurse · 04/05/2019 00:09

As you have grown in confidence he has tried his usual ways of getting you to behave as he would like.
This is not currently working so he is having to look at different ways to control the situation.
As you withdraw more you need to be careful.

LoveCatzzz · 04/05/2019 01:09

Your H is a grade A cunt...you and your children deserve so much better. I hope the scales are falling from your eyes. Get your ducks in a row and legal advice, then leave this horrible abusive arsehole.

ptumbi · 04/05/2019 12:15

'At least he does his own ironing'? You mean, you are grateful that he doesn't expect you to do his ironing? Why should you? They are his shirts, to be worn in his body - why should it be your thankless task to clothe him?

You seriously need to stop thinking of him as help, being thankful that he doesn't his own crap jobs. This is NOT your job! It's NOT your destiny in life!

You have kids - educate them by setting an example, a decent role model for your daughters, your sons. Your daughter is not put on this earth to clean up after a man! Your son is not a God to be cleaned up after! And neither are you - you are not a skivvy, a cleaner, a nothing to be ignored and treated so!

Get ANGRY, FFS!

Cocobean30 · 04/05/2019 15:08

Wow, seriously he sulked and purposely ruined Christmas over a nappy? Leave him! He obviously got with you because you adored him and he wants to be worshipped, what a pathetic twat he is . I can’t believe you’re putting up with this

billybagpuss · 04/05/2019 16:04

How’s your weekend going op hope you ok

Original poster
CyclingMumKingston · 04/05/2019 17:05

Thanks ladies for your comments!
I find this thread very helpful, especially the 'get angry' comment
Last night i reminded him that he had said we could talk tonight.
He said he forgot and was so tired but ok, what do i want to talk about?
I said i find it unfair that he often gets defensive/ sulky or rude, depending on the day.
No reply
I waited a bit longer.
Silence. Staring at me.
I wait a bit more.
He says: What? Go on!

I added another sentence along the line of: i feel hurt when you say i am sly, or jealous or similar

No reply. After a while he was snoring (We were in bed)
Unreal
It would be funny if i was watching a comedy on TV
This is the point i struggle most with. He just doesn't even engage in a dialogue so there can't be any progress

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/05/2019 17:08

He isnt going to change OP at all, unless he does in which case it will be for worse

SnapesGreasyHair · 04/05/2019 17:13

Omg.... this is exactly like @jamaisjedors husband.

I really don't see it improving.

SnapesGreasyHair · 04/05/2019 17:15

He doesn't respect or care enough to even stay awake. Basically he sees you as beneath him. How do you see yourself? Do you see yourself as his subordinate or as an equal currently?

MeltedEggMum · 04/05/2019 17:17

Cycling my DH does the same thing, "listening" with no contribution, no discussion, no way to move forward.

The other day he attacked me. I'm learning there is a pattern of behaviour that many men follow.

Please be careful.

Meandwinealone · 04/05/2019 17:21

@MeltedEggMum
Jesus that’s horrific

sue51 · 04/05/2019 17:29

He won't engage. I can't see any hope for him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/05/2019 17:42

@MeltedEggMum Flowers

SnapesGreasyHair · 04/05/2019 17:43

@MeltedEggMum - have you left him? Flowers

MeltedEggMum · 04/05/2019 18:05

Sorry, I'm not trying to hijack this thread, just to say I have similar experiences that have gone very, very badly.

I have my own thread of support that has been invaluable to me these last few days. Thank you all.

HeavyLocks · 04/05/2019 19:14

cyclist you don't need progress, you need to leave. It's impossible to think he could change.

EKGEMS · 04/05/2019 19:34

Yeah he doesn't give a damn how you feel or have any respect for you as a partner or mother of his children. Just get out of this sham of a relationship and find someone that can love and respect you how you should be treated

Nc1548 · 04/05/2019 20:40

An invaluable piece of advice I always keep in mind is that you teach people how to treat you. If you put up with bad behaviour they will do it again. I'm sorry OP but your husband has no respect for you. I hope you will find your anger and either get the respect you deserve (seems unlikely) or send him on his way.

Original poster
CyclingMumKingston · 04/05/2019 21:17

Thanks everyone!
Tough day potty training DC1 while breastfeeding DC2
DH was catching up with work today but managed to cook us all steaks for dinner.
Anything but please no more talking seems to be the underlying message

How do i get my mother's voice out of my head, which basically sums up to: "if he doesn't beat you up, you have nothing to complain about as you are a very lucky wife"
It's so ingrained in me and i feel guilty for having needs or requirements in order to be happy
Thanks for being there
X

OP posts:
Original poster
CyclingMumKingston · 04/05/2019 21:18

@MeltedEggMum hope you are ok 💐it sounds horrific x

OP posts:
MeltedEggMum · 04/05/2019 21:23

Thank you.

Abuse comes in many forms, and in my experience they aren't all that different in practice.

mummmy2017 · 04/05/2019 21:36

So say. About me time, when are you taking the kids?...
Tell him this is not negotiable....As you want him to be more hands on.....