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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband sulking if i ask for help with DC

328 replies

CyclingMumKingston · 28/04/2019 15:38

My husband rolls his eyes and sighs loudly if i ask him to help, but luckily he still helps

Yesterday he was in the shower at 7pm after coming from his bike ride and toddler was crying for food

So i told DH that dinner was ready and if he could please take it out of the oven and put it in our toddler's plate as i was breastfeeding our newborn

I cant open the oven with a newborn latched on (baby is very colicky and when he latches on it s often after an hour of crying his heart out)

If i ask DH why is he sulking, he says that I am only asking him to help because i am just jealous of him having a moment for himself (bike ride + shower)

He works 5 days a week and would like to relax a bit. I m on maternity leave this year.

AIBU?

OP posts:
crystalize · 02/05/2019 22:22

These men can sense you pulling away, knowing they have gone too far, which is why he turned on the waterworks. Taking you out for a nice day to reel you back in.
Why was he putting off talking? Keeping you waiting. Imagine if it was the other way round. Would he patiently wait? Youll probs get the big lecture now.
Men like him do not change. Just watch.

InionEile · 02/05/2019 22:36

It s so confusing that the same person can be repeatedly mean and humiliating but then he has a good day where he shows you only his good sides

That's the classic abuser pattern though. If they were horrible all the time, you would never stay, would you? Instead you have these key incidents of telling your son you are a bitch, not taking care of the dog out of spite, sulking and storming off until 2am but they are incidents spread out over time, not a daily pattern. If he were doing that every day, you'd have left him by now. He knows that too. It shows he can control his anger when he knows it's in his interest to.

Also interesting that he is so much older than you. Were you quite young when you met him? Some older men target younger women for the reason that they think they can control them more easily. It all goes south when the 'young' woman is 35, a mother and earning her own income. Then suddenly she's independent and has a mind of her own so the older husband resorts to abuse to maintain control.

Get out of your situation asap. I'm glad you are not financially beholden to him at least. It is going to be tough even having to share custody with this man as he sounds so spiteful and angry but at least you won't have to dread the sound of the key in the lock every evening...

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 02/05/2019 22:38

These men can sense you pulling away, knowing they have gone too far, which is why he turned on the waterworks. Taking you out for a nice day to reel you back in.
Why was he putting off talking? Keeping you waiting. Imagine if it was the other way round. Would he patiently wait? Youll probs get the big lecture now.
Men like him do not change. Just watch.

This x 100.
Now is when you need to be on high alert do not buy into any of this and start “hardening your heart” in preparation for the emotional BS and head wreck that’s coming your way...

Dullardmullard · 02/05/2019 23:51

And the cycle begins

billybagpuss · 03/05/2019 07:06

Has he found this thread, I know it’s a cycle but yesterday seems almost too good and the timing too weird. How did the chat go.

Hope you’re ok this morning 💐

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 03/05/2019 08:24

It's not called a cycle of abuse for nothing.

Memeface · 03/05/2019 14:19

Any update op? Xx

Original poster
CyclingMumKingston · 03/05/2019 14:36

Yes DH said we could only talk for 10 minutes last night as he had to catch up with his recorded cycle races on Sky but we can talk tomorrow for longer (!)
He was tearful again and apologised but nothing specific.
When i said what are you apologising for he said "do you want to delve just to for the sake of arguing"?
He dressed and gave breakfast to DC1 and was quite cheerful this monrning
Said "i love you" when leaving
I m watching him closely now as i expect that if i lower my guard he ll relax his standards again

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2019 14:43

Tears can be manipulative and the man is playing you like a violin.

What you are in is really the cycle of abuse and this nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Do read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft; this man is in those pages.

His apologies towards you are meaningless. Do not fall for such tactics.

EKGEMS · 03/05/2019 14:46

Wow he devoted ten whole minutes of a recorded cycling event to offer a half-assed apology?!! Well cancel your solicitors appointment, plan the route for your husband/father of the year parade down the high street! DO NOT FALL for his minimal efforts at your relationship and your family!

Meandwinealone · 03/05/2019 14:47

He's just learnt that a vague apology is all you really need to become compliant again
honestly he is one of the scariest characters I've come across on here, and he's your husband

ohnoessexgirl · 03/05/2019 14:49

He sounds like a total bellend.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/05/2019 14:51

He cries, he apologises for something unspecified, next time he does the exact same because he didn't agree to anything. Even on a 'good' day he's planning for a 'bad' one. If he said, "I've been selfish and didn't do my fair share, I will next time" that would be marginally better than tears.

sue51 · 03/05/2019 15:41

So watching a recorded cycle race trumped a crisis in your marriage. Wow.

Hithere12 · 03/05/2019 15:46

Yes DH said we could only talk for 10 minutes last night as he had to catch up with his recorded cycle races on Sky but we can talk tomorrow for longer

Oh my god what a man child. You’re trying to sort a problem and he can’t because of a tv program.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/05/2019 15:50

Another cyclist! This should be studied.

I think a theory for this could be that cycling takes a lot of time away from being home so easier to get time away from house work/childcare? So people (mainly men) actively seek out such a time consuming hobby

DishingOutDone · 03/05/2019 16:28

cancel your solicitors appointment, plan the route for your husband/father of the year parade down the high street! - I hope I am wrong but I have a feeling that's the sort of thing OP is planning anyway Sad

Whisky2014 · 03/05/2019 17:00

Oh he really knows how to play you, OP

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 03/05/2019 17:23

Wow, he's playing you like a harp from hell.

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 03/05/2019 17:26

I briefly dated a racing cyclist once. We were both childfree. I was an avid rock climber at the time but his narcissism blew away even the biggest spray lord of climbers. Dumped him PDQ

SihtricsHorseWitnere · 03/05/2019 17:28

He ended up dating a racing cyclist friend of mine but even she dumped him because of course, his racing schedule took priority over all else. IME they tend to choose partners who roll over for them and are in thrall so they'll put up with their shit. He's a twat excuse for a partner and father.

3luckystars · 03/05/2019 17:34

I just passed a cyclist and I scowled at him. Selfish bastard, it is all true. I see them all with new eyes now thanks to this thread.

lazymare · 03/05/2019 19:51

IME they tend to choose partners who roll over for them and are in thrall so they'll put up with their shit. He's a twat excuse for a partner and father.

That describes my step dad but with scuba diving. He ended up with someone from the diving club. He missed a very large part of my brothers' childhood. Also she went for his money.

Original poster
CyclingMumKingston · 03/05/2019 19:58

Thank you everyone
DH was 47 when we met and he had never been in a serious relationship before (maximum one year. Most women left him because their idea of a weekend was not to stand at the roadside to watch him race)

Our relationship was a bit father - daughter at the beginning. I used to look up to him with big eyes. Since i am a mother i feel a bit more confident as the kids are full of joy and thriving.
So i am changing tack and i am not so ready to grin and bear
DH hasn't lived with another partner before so is really set in his ways and has to still learn how to communicate his feelings (rather than just reach boiling point) and how to compromise when sharing life with wife and 2 young kids
I have intentionally left his now dry laundry hanging on the rack since Monday and he hasn't picked it up to put it away yet

At least he irons his own shirts :-)

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 03/05/2019 20:31

Wow lots of similarities! My H is older than me and also "took me on" very young when I was in a foreign country and needed a lot of support.

To be fair he supported me a lot on my career but now it has taken off he is resentful.

No cycling here but an all consuming commitment to charity work on top of a demanding job which means family life is always last priority (and our relationship even lower on the list).

Also I was H's first proper relationship - he was 26 when we met.