Husband sulking if i ask for help with DC

[CyclingMumKingston]

My husband rolls his eyes and sighs loudly if i ask him to help, but luckily he still helps

Yesterday he was in the shower at 7pm after coming from his bike ride and toddler was crying for food

So i told DH that dinner was ready and if he could please take it out of the oven and put it in our toddler's plate as i was breastfeeding our newborn

I cant open the oven with a newborn latched on (baby is very colicky and when he latches on it s often after an hour of crying his heart out)

If i ask DH why is he sulking, he says that I am only asking him to help because i am just jealous of him having a moment for himself (bike ride + shower)

He works 5 days a week and would like to relax a bit. I m on maternity leave this year.

AIBU?

@meltedeggmum i m reading through your thread and it took my breath away. Quite terrifying how the violence escalated out of nowhere
I can totally identify with this sentence:
"The times I've talked to him about serious things he just sits mute. I thought he was at least listening but it's like he was frozen and nothing went in"

I have the same. DH looks annoyed or upset or bored if i want to clarify anything after a verbal attack, when he has cooled down.
But he doesn't engage in a constructive dialogue to overcome issues and doesn't acknowledge if i say i m hurt
On some occasions if he feels generous, he might mutter "toughen the fxxk up" with or without the swear word in the middle
But generally his response is just deep silence

I've been thinking. He often gave me the cold shoulder order silent treatment when I didn't behave how he liked. It took me a while to connect his distance to my actions, but when I realised, I made extra efforts to soothe him and end the silence. At the time I considered it evidence of his hard upbringing and being neglected as a tiny child. I was wrong.

*or the, not order

@meltedeggmum
DH also had a tough upbringing with an unemotional mother who once didn't talk to him for months
Maybe i m wrong to excuse his behaviour due to the fact that he had a tough upbringing. After all, my upbringing wasn't the most comfortable either: my DF wouldn't spare slaps and the occasional nasty kick if we were not complying to his directives. And a black eye once for "daring to stare at him straight in the eye" (his words)
DF was in the military and run the house as a caserne. But a tough upbringing hasn't gained me any leeway or empathy from DH.
So i am probably wrong to find all possible excuses on his behalf (DH is doing his best. He had a tough life. That s how all men are. Men are not good at communicating. Men are not programmed to rare children so anything he does his a nice extra bonus).. and other such excuses.. i have become my own mother, who i always blamed in my head for being weak, submissive and a victim. She is better educated than DF and the higher earner but still has no voice in family matters. And is often on the receiving end of DF's anger.
Shocking how difficult it is to get rid of the old toxic patterns we observe as children.
The only difference between DF and DH being that DH is not physically violent (yet?)

Shocking how difficult it is to get rid of the old toxic patterns we observe as children.

This is something you need to take into account with regards to your own children

Shocking how difficult it is to get rid of the old toxic patterns we observe as children.

There are generations of violence in DH's family. His father and his cousin decided to end it in their generations. DH's father is difficult and stressful but was never violent. DH's cousin's father is a violent, terrifying man. The cousin has had years of therapy. But they didn't raise a hand to their children and so the pattern stops.

Either your DH stops the pattern or you do. He isn't and won't. So you have to.

‘Either DH stops the pattern or you do’.
Very wise words

Don’t become your mother

Op read you last post again and let it sink in what you are actually saying. You blame your mum for being weak and putting you with your Dad who once gave you a black eye. And the fact that you are repeating it with your child.
It’s going to be tough with these realisations and you are going to need all your strength

Even his 'Apology' was controlling as he refused to discuss it with you. How are you supposed to take that? It's like he's saying 'I've apologised so you have to immediately accept it and we can go back to getting on' but I won't actually talk to you. So controlling.
For what it's worth I think he is absolutely incapable of change. And in 10 years time you will probably be running around looking after him as well. Nightmare. Hope you see a solicitor and get shot of him. Agree with many PP that mediation is a complete No-No.

What about the children and the dog?

You might be happy that he has apologised to you and there is a fragile peace settlement, but I find it odd that you can overlook his treatment of the vulnerable members of your household.

Op, there is only one question you really need to consider, ‘ Am I happy?’, you make you decision based on you answer.
Life is short , and years can pass quickly, you know what you need to do

Oh. My. Goodness. No, you are not. Please show him these comments to let him see how selfish and unreasonable HE is. I've got a four month old and if my partner behaved like that I would go nuclear on his sorry arse!!
Also, rolling of eyes is an extremely disparaging and disdainful gesture.
Please stand up for yourself and do not be a skivy! Xx

Why are these twatface husband's always cyclists? I agree, definitely needs studying

My theory is that cycling, in its nature is a time consuming hobby, I think it attracts selfish people, so I think the cyclists are not selfish because they are cyclists, they are cyclists because they are selfish. I think it is similar with long distance runners too, but this is a whole new thread.

OP run over his bike “by accident”. It’s what I did 25 years ago, damn it he went and bought another!!
You need to let the childish eye rolling and sighing go over your head and keep asking, even though you shouldn’t have to ask, you unfortunately have to to get it done so just ignore him and keep asking, no need to be unreasonable just get him to pull his weight.

Do NOT show him these comments.
Please picture yourself in 10, 20, 30 years time. The same scenario, The same abuse, a shell of your former self. DC avoiding a gradually loathing their father. They too will dread the sound of the key in the door.
You are fortunate you have the financial security, awareness & RL support to tell him to leave.
It most certainly will be the best day you will have had in a long time

Oh god don’t show him these comments!

Keep safe, op. I agree - showing these comments is a bad idea.

Change passwords, too.

Thanks i wouldn't show him the comments.
Update:
After 2 days of bliss DH was in terrible mood today.
I could sense the tension walking in the kitchen. He was offloading the dishwasher but i could tell he was furious. For no reason.
Anyway DH has very red eyes (probably from cycling) and i m putting drops in his eyes every morning.
This morning he just pushed the drops in my hand and commanded loudly: drops!
I said there is a minimum standard of using please and thank you in this house.
I can tell you, he wasn't pleased with my reply. He didn't expect it.
Then i took both kids, the dog and the car and went out for the day.
If i dont do anything it will be my two DC (boys) who will be commanding me around like this in few years (or days!) as they will lose respect for me

Hi, I've been following your thread and I just wanted to comment because you last post really resonated with me. My ex was emotionally abusive and I remember that feeling - you can sense the atmosphere when you walk into the room. You just KNOW he's in a bad mood. I used to be able to tell by the way the front door opened when he came home at night too - weird.

They don't change. It's still the same now we've split up. We co-parent DD quite well but I can still sense his moods five years later. He admitted to me about a year ago, that he still wakes up and just dislikes me for no reason. He knows I haven't done anything wrong, it might even have been that I did something in a dream of his, but he dislikes me that day and can't hide it.

So glad I don't live with him anymore. He wasn't a cyclist, football was his thing, but a lot about your H sounds like him. They are a special breed.

The two days of bliss was really the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse that you and in turn your kids are being subjected to from him.

What your mother fails to realise is that abuse is not just physical in nature, I would also think that she is codependent in relationships and you in turn learnt a lot of damaging crap about relationships from her and your dad.

Time to plan your exit from this now with care and certainly not in say three to five years time. You’re not getting anything out of this relationship and he is also doing this because he can.

Yes, you’re definitely in the nice/ nasty cycle. I bet it was somehow your fault that his eyes were red and sore from cycling

And why does he even need you to put drops in?? I get dry eyes but I can put drops in myself. I don’t have to command DH to do it. What a giant man-baby.

Atmosphere. Not knowing what will set it off. Doing whatever I can to prevent the eruption. All very familiar.

Atmosphere. Not knowing what will set it off. Doing whatever I can to prevent the eruption. All very familiar.

The 'drops' command thing is a bit odd. My 13 yr old daughter word do that to me and when she does it, I'm very aware that most kids of her age wouldn't do that. It's like an angry and anxious reaction to a situation beyond her control. At her age I can help her find ways of reacting more calmly to situations - but a middle aged man: no chance!
I really think you need to leave him. He has issues that you really don't need to be dealing with, especially with your young family get on with a secret exit plan.

This thread is so helpful.
DH sent a text with all the dates when he will be away for work. It was an insane amount like every week. So i asked why can he not send some of his employees (we have 7) and he said: " because i m better a taking pictures for our social media".
Wow!
Thanks to you all i realise how unreasonable he is being and he should pull his weight at home rather than escape to every possible social /work event.
So now it looks he will attend one of the work events and one abroad meeting instead of a dozen.
I would have never had the back bone to ask him to reconsider, if it wasn't for you all, so thanks for making me realise that i have every right to ask and to have a co-parent, not a flatmate :-)
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