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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating partner

96 replies

TormentedWoman · 25/04/2019 12:13

Hi everyone,

I'm with my partner 10 years and we decided that we were finally ready to start a family this year. We were fortunate enough to fall pregnant first go and I'm now 10 weeks. We we're all excited for our first scan in a couple of weeks and planning our future together. Now my whole world has been turned upside down in less than 24 hours! Last night I received a message from a girl saying that she had gone on a planned date with my partner last month and they slept together. She sent me all the messages and there is no doubt in my mind that she is telling the truth. I'm 100% leaving him but now I'm tormented with the decision to terminate my pregnancy or not. I don't want to as all I've ever wanted to be is a mother but at the same time this is not how I planned on starting a family. It's too complicated and I just want to cut ties with him completely, close this chapter of my life and move on. Please don't judge me for considering a termination... I need support right now and judgement.

From a very heartbroken woman.

OP posts:
EnchantingRaven · 25/04/2019 12:29

Oh OP how awful, I’m so sorry you are going through this Flowers

Firstly you sound like a really strong lady, you are already thinking ahead of leaving him and knowing you shouldn’t be treated like this. There can be a lot of naive / pushovers on MN but you ain’t one! Smile Are you going to confront your partner? How did he meet this lady? Was it online? Do you have any support nearby in RL? What a nob though.

With your pregnancy I can completely understand where you are coming from, no judgement here whatsoever. I think the last 24 hours have been crazy by the sounds of it, I’d try and take one thing at a time. If you aren’t fully sure you no longer want to continue with the pregnancy, you need to ensure you fully want to go ahead before jumping in. There is nothing worse than regret (I had an abortion when younger and wasn’t 100% sure, although at peace now I did go through a hard time afterwards) Reading your OP you still sound a little conflicted (which is understandable) you are strong and I’m sure you are more than capable of doing this on your own - if you wanted! Don’t doubt yourself!

What ever the choice do what is right for you Flowers

Original poster
TormentedWoman · 25/04/2019 12:44

Thank you for your kind words EnchantingRaven. I confronted him last night by waking him up with a thump in the face. At first he denied knowing her. I told him I have screenshots of all the messages sent between them. Then he admitted to meeting her but denies sleeping with her. He tried to meet up with her again last weekend but she said it wasn't going to happen. She feels awful and understandably so, I'm just grateful that she messaged me. If he could do this while I'm pregnant there is no doubt in my mind that he has done this before. I have people who are close to me that are single mothers and I see how difficult it is dealing with the father of their children. That is not what I want for myself or my child. At least I have a choice whereas their relationship broke down after the birth of their children. I just don't know what to do 😭

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 25/04/2019 12:48

How old are your OP? Being brutal about it if you are 25 odd or younger then I wouldn’t be shackled to that fuckwit via a baby. You have loads of time and you planned a family, not being a single parent. If you are 40 then it’s a different story.

Original poster
TormentedWoman · 25/04/2019 12:59

I'm 32 years old

OP posts:
FiremanKing · 25/04/2019 13:12

I don’t want to comment on the possibility of an abortion as I have strong views, but I hope you do find a way forward to future happiness, regardless of what your decision is.

However, regarding your comment -

I confronted him last night by waking him up with a thump in the face.

On behalf of every woman that has discovered their partner has cheated on them, I thank you. Flowers

desperatesux · 25/04/2019 13:16

You are still young enough to start again so in your position I would have an abortion. If not you will be tied to him forever and your chances of meeting someone else severely diminished, there is no question about that.

SchrodingersBrexit · 25/04/2019 15:08

I was very anti-abortion before having a child and then subsequently discovering my 'D'H had cheated on me and was leaving me and DD. Now I would absolutely say in your position I would have an abortion. If my current DP cheated on me and I was early on in pregnancy, I would abort. It would be a difficult decision and undoubtedly I would find it a traumatic experience, but I would rather that that than the inevitable complications having a child with someone like that would bring.

As a PP has said, you are young enough to start again and meet someone else and have a child.

I am sorry you are going through this, it's bloody horrible.Thanks

SchrodingersBrexit · 25/04/2019 15:11

That was meant to read that I was anti abortion before having DC, however, now I have a less rose tinted view of having a child (especially with someone I'm not with) and that's certainly changed my views on early terminations.

It's somewhat complicated in that I wouldn't change having DD for a second, I love her beyond measure. I suppose there's a contradiction there...

WhoKnewBeefStew · 25/04/2019 15:15

At 32 it might be your last chance to have children. I had my first at 34 with no issues, at 36 I couldn’t conceive, nothing wrong with me or my partner, just old age and the odds stacked against us.

Your dh is a twat, I’ve been a single parent too, it’s hard, but can also be v rewarding. I have a fantastic relationship with my dd and now I’m remarried to a truely lovely man.

letsdolunch321 · 25/04/2019 15:22

It is a hard decision to make - sending you hugs op 💐

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2019 15:53

What a bastard. Horrible situation but you're better off finding out now.

Unfortunately if you want to 'cut all ties' with him, you may need to consider an abortion, or you will be tied together through the child for the rest of your lives. But I can't tell you what to do.

Do you have any real-life support?

hellsbellsmelons · 25/04/2019 15:58

Do what is right for YOU right now.
If that is a termination then you should get the ball rolling on that, sooner rather than later.
He's a pig and you don't really want to be associated with him forever more via a baby.
Do you have a non-judgey friend you could talk to about all of this?
Some real life support is really important right now.
I'm so so sorry you are going through this.
It's truly torture without this added complication.

whateverhappenstheremore · 25/04/2019 15:59

32 is still plenty of time to have children. I would have an abortion - you will continually be tied to this man forever if you have a child togetherThanks

Original poster
TormentedWoman · 25/04/2019 16:10

Thank you ladies for all your advice. I have a great support network with my family and friends, they will be there for me no matter what I decide. I have a really well paid job so financially raising the child alone wouldn't be a problem. If I were in my second trimester I would have no choice but to get on with it. The fact that I do have a choice has me tormented. I'm seriously considering this with an extremely heavy heart as I do have a little one growing inside of me... Who's organs have all developed & this week will start to move around. I feel horrible & guilty for even thinking of a termination but I honestly don't want any ties to this man & I know that having this child will always mean he will be in my life. I'm conscious of my age but I would rather be single, alone & happy than connected to him & miserable. It's such a horrific thing to go through, I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy 😔

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2019 16:16

So glad to hear you have a lot of support around you. Sounds like a really horrible decision to make and my heart goes out to you. Flowers

PlinkPlink · 25/04/2019 16:18

Gosh... this is a tough situation. I'm so sorry OP Flowers

I'm glad you don't want to continue the relationship.

To give you some hope though, I met my partner 3 years ago. I got pregnant rather quickly (not planned). 7 months in actually. We live together in our house and plan to marry. It can happen so if you're worried about age, it is possible to find a decent fella.

Things that I would consider:

Do you have an emotional attachment to this baby already?

Is everything in place? Finances, emotional state - could you provide for baby solo?

Have you got family and friends who would be willing to support you and help out?

If the answer is yes to all of those questions, I personally, would be considering keeping baby and sorting out very strict rules on contact and maintenance.

But it really is up to you at the end of the day. It is your choice and you are entitled to that.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 25/04/2019 16:29

Please don't judge me for considering a termination... I need support

No judgement here, you poor TormentedWoman. You must do what's best for you. What a horrible position to be in. I would definitely be considering an abortion in your shoes.

It's very early days and you're still shocked. If you give it a week or so the right decision may come bubbling up.

It sounds trivial, but you could try the coin tossing manoeuvre. You don't actually make the decision based on the result obviously, but you toss a coin telling yourself which side means you should have an abortion, which that you must keep it. As the coin spins you will feel a strong response against one side or the other.

I hope I've explained that clearly enough. It's a trick I've used for settling tricky decisions in my own mind.

PlinkPlink · 25/04/2019 16:46

That's a very good technique @prawnofthepatriarchy

InadvertentlyBrilliant · 25/04/2019 16:52

No judgement here. You have to do what you feel is best for you. If you keep the baby you will be tied to this man forever. It doesn't matter whether you can afford to look after the baby alone. What happens if he decides he wants to be involved in the baby's life? Goes for 50/50 custody?

If you really can't bear that he will be around in some form in your child's life forever, then abortion is probably the right course of action.

You need to be sure that you could have an abortion and put it behind you and move on with your life though.

Sunshineafterthestorm · 25/04/2019 16:52

I am so so sorry you’re going through this, what a scumbag. I can’t offer any advice on if to terminate or keep and no judgement from me at all, I just wanted to send you love and say you sound like a strong willed women who doesn’t need this rat in her life and I think you’ll be just fine without him either on your own or as a single parent xx

Original poster
TormentedWoman · 25/04/2019 16:56

We had names picked out & I had already started to crochet a teddy for them 😔 my heart is breaking 😭 but I know what reality is like... My friend is a single mother and her life is consumed by her children... She has no time for herself, let alone meet someone new. She has to constantly bring the father of her children to court so he will see them & pay maintenance. She is always texting him asking for maintenance as raising 2 children alone without a job is extremely hard. I work 13 hour shifts & I adore my job... I couldn't imagine having to give it up... It's who I am. My family would babysit, there's no doubt about that but it's so hard to met someone nowadays without any ties or complications that I just don't think it's as straight forward to become a single parent. I'm so torn!! @pawnofthepatriarchy that is a good idea... I've made an appointment with my family planning clinic where you have a pre-abortion consultation & you are booked in to go away with it 3 days later, you can't have it any sooner... That way I will definitely know what I want in the lead up to it...

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 25/04/2019 17:01

I was in the same situation as you and the same stage of pregnancy. I had an abortion and I know it's terrible to say but as soon as I found out he was cheating I desperately wanted one and to move on from him. This was 13 years ago now and I don't regret it at all. It was 100 percent the right thing for me to do.

MrsPinkCock · 25/04/2019 17:05

Hi OP

I had my first DC at 21, and fell pregnant whilst using contraception, so I assumed I was super fertile. By 29 however I was infertile.

People use 35 as the usual number for a decline in fertility but it can happen sooner than that.

If I were in your shoes, I would only terminate if I could be content knowing I would possibly never have children. It may not be the case, you could be lucky and meet someone else, settle down and have DC quickly and it not be a problem, but there are no guarantees.

I can absolutely understand why you would want to terminate and if you were 20 I’d be in absolute agreement that the priority is not to be tied to such an utter cockwomble, but at 32 I would say think very carefully and speak to a counsellor before making a decision. Basically if I were in your shoes I’d have to decide which was my priority - being a mother (even if it meant being stuck to a dickhead forever) or ditching the cockwomble and potentially not having children.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s really tough.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/04/2019 17:06

I hope you are also offered counselling to help you - as everyone else has said, you've got to decide what's best for you.

martinidry · 25/04/2019 17:07

Disgraceful Firemanking would you be thanking a man who woke his cheating wife with a thump in the face too?
Or do you cheerlead only for women to be violent?
TormentedWoman in your place I wouldn't want to be tied for 18 years plus to a man I hated. How do you feel about never being free of him? Could you tolerate this? The answers may provide with more enlightenment.

In his place he will do well to be away from violent [ex] partner. You are disgraceful to thump him in the face and should get no free pass from criticism just because you're woman or just because he cheated you.
It wouldn't be good to bring a baby into this hostile and vicious mess in my view.