Cheating partner

[TormentedWoman]

Hi everyone,

I'm with my partner 10 years and we decided that we were finally ready to start a family this year. We were fortunate enough to fall pregnant first go and I'm now 10 weeks. We we're all excited for our first scan in a couple of weeks and planning our future together. Now my whole world has been turned upside down in less than 24 hours! Last night I received a message from a girl saying that she had gone on a planned date with my partner last month and they slept together. She sent me all the messages and there is no doubt in my mind that she is telling the truth. I'm 100% leaving him but now I'm tormented with the decision to terminate my pregnancy or not. I don't want to as all I've ever wanted to be is a mother but at the same time this is not how I planned on starting a family. It's too complicated and I just want to cut ties with him completely, close this chapter of my life and move on. Please don't judge me for considering a termination... I need support right now and judgement.

From a very heartbroken woman.

i think u would cope very well

Jesus, OP isn’t checking if she should take on an extra task at work ffs!
This is a potential human who OP will be solely responsible for, for the rest of her life. Possibly take a massive hit to her career, leave work, go through the courts with the scumbag ex, possible face the ex making life hell.
Please, for goodness sake don’t be so flippant about something so enormous.

Do what you think is best for you.

I had my last child four months short of my 39th birthday. My cousin had her only child at age 45. If you have any concerns about future fertility, have some eggs frozen. Really, this should not be a factor in your decision.

Its not the baby's fault OP, and single mums cope very well. Do not base your decision whilst you are in this highly emotive state.

You have to do what you feel is right for you. However, I would like to add that my youngest dd has the most nasty vile human you could think of for a father. And yet she's so adorable I am glad for the relationship I had with him. I think that at 32 who knows how long it will be before you even meet someone you would want to have a child with? Nobody knows when their individual fertility drops off so to speak.

At the time people on mn mostly said she would abort & I'm so glad I didn't (she's 10 now)

The OP has asked for support not a mass of posters suggesting at 32 she should keep the baby as it may be her last chance. Or suggesting keep it, it’s not that bad you can cope. How the hell would you know that? This is a life long commitment and the OP soon to be ex partner won’t disappear. So she is committing not only to a life changing experience but also acknowledging that her cheating partner will form part of that. Big decision OP and you need to do what feels right for you. Don’t be blackmailed emotionally on here

I couldn't go ahead with the pregnancy; not if you want to completely cut ties with him.

Although it's difficult and a really awful place to be, at least at this present time you do still have a choice. Many women find themselves in this same situation and this choice isn't available to them (if a much later gestation or already have a baby/ young child).

Honestly... having been in a similar situation and I kept the baby I would not choose this life.
It’s hard. Really fucking hard being a single parent. Especially in this situation where you have been cheated on by a man you love.
You’ll have to endure so much heartache trying to sort out custody arrangements, having to try and keep him involved for the sake of your child (I found the bond was harder to develop between child and father as we split up when I was pregnant).

Don’t do it to yourself. I adore my now 9yo child but choosing to keep the pregnancy in those circumstances has royally fucked up my life. It isn’t just about having a baby because you’ll love that child unconditionally... it’s all the sacrifices to your own life you’ll have to make because of it that you wouldn’t if you had a stable relationship.
Every relationship you will go on to have will now be affected because you are already a parent. Blending families or having the complications of having a stepfamily will become your reality if you want to date.

I know I will get flamed for this but the truth is it will mess your life up. My child is wonderful and I love them very much but truthfully if I had known back then how hard it would be then I think my decisions would have been very different.

Also note that keeping the child means you will never be free of your ex. You are still young at 32 and it would be much easier to have a clean break and move on with your life.
You are far more likely to find happiness and a relationship as a single 32 yr old than a 36yr old with a 4yo child and an ex in the background.
I don’t mean to sound brutal but that’s the stark truth xxxx

Nobody's emotionally blackmailing - most people are saying have an abortion.

It's a really difficult position to be in. I wouldn't judge anyone for having an abortion - if that's what the Op really wants then she should do it but I think you need to be sure it's 100% what you want first and obviously there are so many emotions here at the moment because of the cheating.

Some people are saying it's horrible having a child under these circumstances which is fine because that is your experience. It's not mine though. I have not found it difficult being a single parent at all. I have not found it difficult to date either. But then, I do have very supportive family.

Some men would be more interfering than others about their child in this situation. Luckily for us, my daughters father doesn't live in the U.K. any more.

Hi OP,

My response is slightly bias because I am also pregnant. If I were in your shoes, I couldn't possibly go ahead with an abortion. Cheating aside, you must know in your heart whether or not your partner will be a good father or not. You wouldn't have planned children with him otherwise. Please don't think I'm minimising the cheating because I have very strong views on that. I think it's absolutely disgusting.

At 11+5 weeks, I had a scan and my baby had its limbs, his heart beating away, and he stretched out on screen as clear as day. When I saw that, I felt the most overwhelming love ever. And again when I started to feel him move. This baby is yours and you're already excited for it.

My advice would be to go along for your scan before you make decisions. See how you feel once you see your baby up on the screen. Your head will be a huge mess right now and you've hardly had a lot of time to process what's going on and will be jumping to rash thoughts.

For what it's worth, my dad left my mum for another woman. So I guess he's in the same category all men here are of being a fuckwit etc for cheating. However, my dad has always been the most wonderful father to all three of us. We've always had regular contact. He always paid maintenance. He took us on holidays. We stayed overnight with him. Just like a father should.

I guess what I'm saying is, whilst this guy has absolutely terrible morals where romantic relationships are concerned, it doesn't mean that he won't be a lovely father to your baby

I would have the abortion. You will probably have to have a surgical abortion as I think you can only have a medical one (taking the tablets) up until 9 weeks. I have had a surgical one before many years ago and was sedated for it and the procedure was done very quickly. I had bad period pains for a couple of days afterwards and bled for about 3 weeks (no heavier than a period). My periods went a bit haywire for a couple of months after that and then everything was fine again.
It’s great you have such a good support network with friends and family. 32 is still young and you can go on to meet someone else who isn’t a cheating cunt who will cherish being with you. My best friend is 36 and met someone last year who she is now engaged to marry this year.

OP I am so sorry this has happened to you. You've said in a previous post that you will seek some advice at a clinic and then make a decision, that is the most sensible option.

I can totally understand why you would want to cut ties with this man and block him from your life. I did just that with my cheating ex too, but the child involved was my DD (his step DD) and thankfully she is a teenager who has understood my decision to totally cut him out. Abortion is a highly emotive subject and I would put aside those on here who project as pro-life, that is their decision. This shouldn't be a debate about what stage the baby is at right now, but what is right for you and your situation.

I am pro-choice and wish you all the very best. xx

Hope you are ok, op.

As said, lots of single mums manage and wouldn't be without their children.

It's a big decision to make, I'm sure you will work out it out. So sorry the scumbag has done this to you. What a creep.

Only you can make this decision, but I'll be honest in saying that in your position I would terminate. As a pp said, it would be much easier to move on and meet someone else without having to beg for / pay for childcare to work and date, having a DC to consider in a new / developing relationship, needing to blend families, having the ex in the background of your life forever etc. I'm a single parent to 3. It's so hard. I'm so skint. I can't get any sort of career on track. I've met someone wonderful but we won't be able to live together for another 10 years at least. Of course I wouldn't change the DC for all the money in China but if I had the choice I'd back out and start again as a child free singleton. The thought of being tied to my ex (who actually isn't too bad) for the next forever makes me feel exhausted and overwhelmed if I allow myself to think about it. No judgement here. If you did want to proceed then I'm absolutely positive you'd make it work, but I'm just giving my own perspective in saying I wouldn't. Do have some counselling though.

I too would advise terminating the pregnancy - though the circumstances are heartbreaking.

You have outlined the experiences your friend has had and judging by your ex partner's morals, it sounds like yours could be similar.

Yes it is heartbreaking but I fear the alternative would be 18 years of dealing with that scumbag and a different kind of heart break.

Oh Op, I'm sorry you're going through this. Absolutely no judgement. I've unfortunately been in your position (found my ex had cheated when I was 6 weeks, and yes he got a wake up slap from me too, not condoning violence but red mist+pregnancy hormones are not a good mix). I aborted, albeit it was earlier than you are, but I couldn't face having to deal with the reoccurring hurt of having this man in my life and the potential emotional blackmail he could hang over me - and being a 'single' parent now, I can empathise with dealing with awkward exes regarding maintenance, access etc... it's not easy, especially seeing your arsehole ex able to swan about essentially free whilst you sit at home raising there child with little thanks.

I hope you make the right decision for you. You are in your 30's but you are early 30's, there is still time to meet someone in the next 5 - 10 years and potentially have a family.

OP, with no judgement either way, I think if I was in your situation I would ask myself if i was more worried about being a single parent or being a single parent to a child with the ex as the other parent. Because that’s where the answer would lie, for me. I don’t know if that helps at all really, I’m so sorry you’re going through this

The advice and support from you all is beyond words, I cannot thank you enough. My ex, although a terrible partner, would make the best father and I know he would be there for the baby 100%. The thoughts of being single is overwhelming as it is considering I have been with him for over 10 years but the thoughts of being a single parent is giving me awful anxiety just thinking about it. My age is what is making me reconsider this termination but at the same time... If I weren't pregnant I would be in the same boat with regards to my biological clock and meeting someone else. It will be by far be the hardest decision of my life & there will always be doubt in my mind as to whether I made the right decision or not...

If you were 40... it would be different.

I would want his cheating arse out of my life for good.

You absolutely cannot do that if you have this child. That's a fact.

single mums cope very well

What are you talking about?!
Some single mums cope well, some do not!
Some have breakdowns, some are on this thread saying they couldn’t do it again, some end up with partners who will abuse the child.

These sweeping nonsense statements, you should be ashamed!

This happened to me with our second baby, now 4 months. It was horrible and I too was considering abortion but I decided that it wasn't the baby's fault and I would always be thinking of the baby I aborted every day and even more so on Christmas, birthdays etc.

The love you will feel for your baby is nothing you've ever felt before and yes it's hard to have to be in contact with the ex but it's only about our children and it's more like business.

I'm not against abortion but I do think that going through such a thing doesn't end when the baby has gone because you'll be reminded about it. It's a massive decision to make and I hope you have friends and family for support because you will need it either route you take.

it's hard to have to be in contact with the ex but it's only about our children and it's more like business.

It's not this smooth for everyone though. Pregnant and with a newborn will hinder getting into a new relationship.

I'm not against abortion but I do think that going through such a thing doesn't end when the baby has gone because you'll be reminded about it.

You can't possibly say this as a fact. It does end when the procedure is over for some people.

Everyone is different.

Why would you always be reminded of it?
For many people it's an absolute relief ... I know this.

I do know women who have said their pregnancy was ruined after their partner cheated.

That's whether they stayed together or not.

Don't let horror stories of possible infertility worry you- i had my children at 35 and 40 with no issues getting pregnant.

You can only deal with the facts as you know them, not worry about other possible complications

Sandy yes correct every story is different but I'm guessing as op has always wanted to be a mother then she may regret the abortion one day. They guilt, the longing for being a mum.

Like I said it's not easy being in contact with the ex and you don't know the half of it and I won't go in to it but it's something I have to do for the sake of our children, doing the right thing. I hate him for putting me through the worst pregnancy ever but my little girl makes me forget all that.

It's not an easy decision but I know some of my friends had an abortion when they were young and couldn't imagine caring for a baby now they are older they regret it.

To the person that said having a baby could ruin your chance of meeting someone new is absolute nonsense! If that's the case then that man is shallow and doesn't deserve your time or love.

From my experience being cheated on while pregnant was awful but the baby actually helped to get over the betrayal. Think hard op and good luck with your decision. At the end of the day it is your decision but you'll need a lot of support with whatever you decide.