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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating partner

96 replies

TormentedWoman · 25/04/2019 12:13

Hi everyone,

I'm with my partner 10 years and we decided that we were finally ready to start a family this year. We were fortunate enough to fall pregnant first go and I'm now 10 weeks. We we're all excited for our first scan in a couple of weeks and planning our future together. Now my whole world has been turned upside down in less than 24 hours! Last night I received a message from a girl saying that she had gone on a planned date with my partner last month and they slept together. She sent me all the messages and there is no doubt in my mind that she is telling the truth. I'm 100% leaving him but now I'm tormented with the decision to terminate my pregnancy or not. I don't want to as all I've ever wanted to be is a mother but at the same time this is not how I planned on starting a family. It's too complicated and I just want to cut ties with him completely, close this chapter of my life and move on. Please don't judge me for considering a termination... I need support right now and judgement.

From a very heartbroken woman.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 26/04/2019 16:56

I'd terminate. I mean, it would be the most dreadful decision I ever made, but I'd still terminate.

But then I was an older mother, had kids at 39 and 41 and there were so many mothers around my age at the free midwives clinic it was apparent the profile of mothers has really changed, so I don't really hold with fertility fear mongering.

DBML · 26/04/2019 17:19

Termination is the right decision for some people and the wrong decision for others. Only you can make the decision that’s right for you op and I advise you do that with the help of counselling.
No one would blame you for how you are feeling and it’s lovely to hear that you’ve got the support you need either way.
Do what is best for you op and then don’t dwell on that decision. Good luck

Ginger1982 · 26/04/2019 17:30

I think if I was you I would terminate. Don't be too emotionally swayed by scare stories about your age or indeed the stage your baby might be at.

This is your decision. Good luck x

FookMeFookYou · 26/04/2019 17:33

I'm pro-choice OP, no judgement here. What a shit situation to be in and I don't blame you for not wanting to be tied to this utter scumbag. He obvs doesn't respect you or value your relationship now and I don't think he's likely to do a 180 just because you are having his baby. However, this is also your baby and yes you may have 'time' and may meet someone else and have the happy ending, but if you have the means to have the child alone with support from friends and family then why shouldn't you.

Providing she didn't rub your face in it, I got to hand it to her for telling you. I've always said that if it were me I'd rather know so that whatever happens next is my decision.

Whatever you decide to do good luck 🍀

Original poster

TormentedWoman · 26/04/2019 17:52

FookMeFookYou
She wasn't to know I was with him, he made out he was single. He wanted to go on another date and it was only when she seen a tagged post on social media that she realised I was his girlfriend and messaged me straight away. She did the right thing by telling me and I am grateful for her honesty.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 26/04/2019 18:22

How is taking the fact that you are definitely leaving him due to his massive betrayal?

MsDogLady · 26/04/2019 18:22

How is he taking

TeaForTheWin · 26/04/2019 18:27

He would be a wonderful father

No, no he wouldn't. To be a good father you have to be a good person. He is not. He is a cheat and a liar. It doesn't matter how nice he might be to a kid, he is a shitty shity rolemodel and has demonstrated at least once already that he doesn't even care about the feelings of someone he is supposed to love. So don't kid yourself that he would make a good dad. He has no substance.

MsDogLady · 26/04/2019 19:29

@TeaForTheWin is correct. He has no integrity. A good father wouldn’t lead a double life and treat his partner with contempt.

I just hope that he is leaving you in peace right now.

RateThisState · 26/04/2019 19:35

To the person that said having a baby could ruin your chance of meeting someone new is absolute nonsense

If that was in response to my post then that’s not what I said. I said having a child makes it a lot harder to date, it no longer becomes about you. Your dating life revolves around your childfree availability and your child’s happiness. Every relationship you’ll ever have will be affected by the fact you have a child and you’ll have to deal with all the complications that comes with dating someone whilst trying to keep at least two people with conflicting interests happy.
As I said before it is obviously much easier to date as a single 32 yr old than a few years down the line with a child. Of course it is.

ElektraLOL · 27/04/2019 08:43

I assume you live together? Has he moved out?

Figure8 · 27/04/2019 10:06

You're in shock, so please don't make rash decisions. Time is of the essence, but you do still have some.

Can you speak to a professional?

Oohgossip · 27/04/2019 23:47

If you knew this was to be the only baby you were ever going to have, how would you feel?

ShinyShoe · 28/04/2019 04:58

In your position I wouldn’t terminate. You have good finances and lots of available babysitters. This won’t mean the end of your social life. You hate him now (understandably) but you could get to the point of co-parenting successfully. My friend went through similar. She utterly hated him for cheating. For 2 years she cried and raged but her little one got her through. Now a few years on, they both have new partners (she’s ten years older than you) they co-parent happily and with respect and tolerance and everybody’s happy. Absolutely no reason why at your age, when the dust settles in a couple of years, you won’t meet somebody else despite having a child. The world is made up of all sorts of families these days. Your single friend has a different life set up to you so don’t necessarily go by her experience. You said she has 2 kids. That’s different/harder for a start plus she’s struggling to get maintenance..well you said you’ve got a good job and can afford everything so if your soon to be ex doesn’t pay would that be the end of the world or can you manage? Plus if he chooses not to be in the kids life is that the end of the world or can you shrug and go so be it especially as you’ve got lots of support elsewhere? My advice would be to sit down and write down each of these things in a list. Right now you’re basing decisions on high emotion and anger. Can you imagine you and this cheater being at some point cordial in the future? You can have basic contact for hand overs. You don’t have to be in each other’s lives. Contact could be through email or a family member could deal with handovers. Don’t just assume that you have to have him in your life. My sister never sees or speaks to her ex. When my nephew was little his mother and her mother did all the handovers and now my nephew is a teen, he sorts out contact himself.

That said, if you do go ahead with the abortion then I’m sending you my full support and absolute sympathy for your terrible situation.

wishywashy6 · 28/04/2019 10:09

OP what an awful situation for you 😢

If you were to keep the baby, how do you see him being as a co-parent? Would he step up and do his share or would he be a twat?
Right now you're hurting and want to get away from him - completely understandable. You will get passed that though and if the only reason you're considering abortion is because you're worried about life as a single mum then I would 100% stop and look at it objectively and how it could work.
I've been a single mum to 2 DC's. Relationship with ex is perfectly amicable now (wasn't to begin with!) and we work everything out between us like adults when it comes to the children. Yes it has it's hard days but would I change it? Fuck no. I have now met someone else, he loves my kids as though they were his own and things are really good but if things went wrong between us I know 100% we'd be fine on our own.

My best friend has never had a relationship in the 22 years I've known her but was desperate for a baby so went down the route of a sperm donor. She's loving life as a single mum and has recently returned to the job she loves (school teacher) as she too has a brilliant support network around her.

All I'm saying is It's not all court cases and maintenance fights if you can, for the sake of the child, put your emotions to one side and work out a way forward with your ex in terms of contact/ finances etc. That does obviously depend on how cooperative you think he would be though. Either way, I wouldn't make any decisions while you're feeling so hurt. Take a few days away, try and look at how it could work as opposed to all the reasons it might not

If you still feel abortion is the best option then you need to do what's right for you but being without a man doesn't suddenly make you incapable of being a fantastic mother

Original poster

TormentedWoman · 28/04/2019 11:37

After a few days of crying, my emotions & anger towards my ex have settled. I've made an appointment with a professional counsellor for myself to process everything but also for us as a pair... Not relationship counselling by any means as we are over. We're just getting nowhere talking amongst ourselves. I just need a professional's view on things. She also specialises in abortion issues so I feel it will help me greatly before I make any final decisions. Thank you to everyone, your advice has been invaluable. It has really helped me to look at my situation from all different point of views and I especially thank the ones who have shared their personal experiences. I will be forever grateful x

OP posts:

wishywashy6 · 28/04/2019 12:02

Great to hear your update OP. I hope you find a way to move forward from this. Good luck

MeganBacon · 28/04/2019 12:27

I am so sorry for the horrible situation you find yourself in. You must feel under time pressure to make this decision quickly too which makes it worse because ordinarily no-one should make life changing decisions when they are in shock.
None of us know how the future will pan out - you may meet a great man, or you may not - you may get pregnant again, or you may not. Sometimes it is better to take the "bird in the hand" and accept the current pregnancy, knowing that this doesn't preclude you from further happier relationships or other children in the future. However, in the event those things are not in your future, at least you will be a mother, if this is what you want.
You are financially stable and that makes a world of difference to being a single mother.

Figure8 · 28/04/2019 18:26

Glad you're seeing someone. I spoke to a counsellor years ago when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant- talking it through was a godsend.
Best of luck 😊

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/04/2019 19:16

Sounds like whatever decision you come to will be the right one. You have taken such good care of yourself and thought through how best to move forward.

Very glad to hear your update.

user1481840227 · 28/04/2019 23:37

Just wanted to say, that you know he would be a brilliant father and there for the child 100%.

You don't know this.
When I was planning on splitting with my ex (we have 2 children). I was sure of this and that and how he'd still be a great father. I was convinced of it. I had a thread on another forum and lots of messages and PM's saying they thought the very same, but the reality ended up being so different.

While I get on very well with my ex now, he was nowhere near as good with the kids as I thought he was going to be after we split and has been a massive let down in many regards on many occasions when I only wanted the bare minimum from him!

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