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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating partner

96 replies

TormentedWoman · 25/04/2019 12:13

Hi everyone,

I'm with my partner 10 years and we decided that we were finally ready to start a family this year. We were fortunate enough to fall pregnant first go and I'm now 10 weeks. We we're all excited for our first scan in a couple of weeks and planning our future together. Now my whole world has been turned upside down in less than 24 hours! Last night I received a message from a girl saying that she had gone on a planned date with my partner last month and they slept together. She sent me all the messages and there is no doubt in my mind that she is telling the truth. I'm 100% leaving him but now I'm tormented with the decision to terminate my pregnancy or not. I don't want to as all I've ever wanted to be is a mother but at the same time this is not how I planned on starting a family. It's too complicated and I just want to cut ties with him completely, close this chapter of my life and move on. Please don't judge me for considering a termination... I need support right now and judgement.

From a very heartbroken woman.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 25/04/2019 17:12

It's your decision - i really feel for you. I'd take hope that as you conceived first time you have time.

FiremanKing · 25/04/2019 17:17

martinidry

Yep, I’m all for cheating scum getting a thump. Male or female. Just the one thump, I wouldn’t condone a beating. Wink

Original poster
TormentedWoman · 25/04/2019 17:19

@martinidry I'm by far a violent person... I'm actually a kind, generous & giving person... There is nothing I wouldn't do for those I love. You don't know me... You are judging me based on a gut reaction to finding out about my cheating partner. You are entitled to your opinion & I thank you for your input... You're advice is duly noted.

OP posts:
HairycakeLinehan · 25/04/2019 17:19

Oh OP Flowers

In your shoes I’d terminate, dealing with DDs dad hasn’t been the bane of my life. It’s drained me, destroyed me and pushed me to the brink of sanity.

HairycakeLinehan · 25/04/2019 17:21

Oh and ignore that gobshite trying to push her own narrative. Not the time or place Martini

Fromablokespoint · 25/04/2019 17:24

*However, regarding your comment -

I confronted him last night by waking him up with a thump in the face.

On behalf of every woman that has discovered their partner has cheated on them, I thank you. flowers*

My exwife had an affair, If I had done this you would send me flowers?

Snappedandfarted2019 · 25/04/2019 17:30

My ex who I had ds was a cheat, and it was a tough few years doing it on my own as a single mum my life changed where as his didn’t, in you’re shoes I would terminate. Ignore martini I gave my ex a thump when I found out as he gave me an STI. Times it’s needed.

Original poster
TormentedWoman · 25/04/2019 17:34

It was more of a smack than a thump purely out of frustration & anger. We didn't have a volatile relationship... Neither of us have ever laid hands on eachother. I don't condone violence in a relationship by any means but I wouldn't class a thump as domestic abuse. Honestly you can read into a thump as much as you want... I don't know you & your opinion means nothing to me. No one has mentioned sending me flowers, you're overreacting. You are clearly the better person for how you reacted to your ex-wife's affair & should give yourself a pat on the back for that.

OP posts:
FiremanKing · 25/04/2019 17:47

I know what you meant op, it was clear you hadn’t assaulted him and I responded to you in kind.

No one is promoting violence or congratulating a violent act, but feel free to make it into something it isn’t.

Original poster
TormentedWoman · 25/04/2019 17:49

Thank you @FiremanKing... You've been a fantastic support throughout this thread. It's crazy how some people fixate on one small & insignificant detail 🙄

OP posts:
belle40 · 25/04/2019 17:55

I'm a single mum but had my child at 41. I completely love my child but have almost no social life between looking after her and my work. I completely understand your concern about being tied to such an awful man, but please do speak to a counsellor before you make a decision. My best wishes for your future.

beerandpopcorn · 25/04/2019 17:55

@Fromablokespoint were you pregnant?

Fromablokespoint · 25/04/2019 17:59

beerandpopcorn

Does that make it acceptable?

TeaForTheWin · 25/04/2019 17:59

I wouldn't let anything tie me to this person. Personal freedom has to come first. Having a kid one day is a nice dream to have. But even if it means never managing to do that, being free from control, hurt and liars should always come first. YOU have to come first. Loving YOURSELF has to come first. Always.

FiremanKing · 25/04/2019 18:02

So back to the issue.

Your decision when decided upon needs to allow for grieving, reflection and ways to cope with moving on.

I’m glad you have friends and family there for you but sometimes when dealing with emotional trauma, a professional can be someone you can open up to more and who can see things without bias.

I think ultimately you know why you want to do but understand the struggle of doing so and are worried about it effecting you afterwards.

It may well be that if you go ahead you might at first regret it and crumple into a big heap. But like any traumatic experience you can heal, grieve and move on with your life.

ukgift2016 · 25/04/2019 18:04

I am a single mother to one. It is manageable, I am at university and my daughter dad regularly sees our DD and pays maintenance.

Yes you will be linked forever but do you have reasons for thinking he be a rubbish dad who try to get out of his parental responsibilities?

At the moment everything is fresh, as time passed it will not be always be an issue for you to see him being involved in the child life.

However,if you think he be someone who will be manipulative and make your life difficult then you have serious concerns.

Have a good think. There are pros and cons.

toddle · 25/04/2019 18:06

I would seriously consider the abortion myself. It's so difficult with a newborn never mind a newborn with a fuckwit ex partner father trying to make it more difficult.

So sorry your going through this.

selina19 · 25/04/2019 18:11

My father cheated on my mother (married 5 years) which another women for a year and she was 6 months pregnant with me when she found out. She couldn't I suppose terminate at that point and thank god she didn't. They did however get divorced and i grew up with separated parents and always knew what my dad did but it did not hinder my relationship with him as a father he was and still is the best dad ever and has paid greatly for his mistake. My mother got over the hurt and pain but I know she did suffer PND and had trouble bonding with me as a baby but she would have never have have got rid of me. My mum and dad have had a civil relationship for 30+ years and so will you . You are grieving for the family you feel you have lost and are angry but you are still a family just you and baby for now. Children never choose to come into this world and personally I would not get rid just because you don't want to deal with him.
He maybe a crap partner but that doesn't mean he won't be a great dad.
You planned this baby, as did my mum and dad did even if it wasn't true love I think if you terminate the baby you may regret it.
No judgment here but just showing you what it could possibly be. Good luck xx

selina19 · 25/04/2019 18:20

And to the previous poster who said it's so hard with a new born...
Yes it is but newborns change very quickly into babies toddlers and then adults and it's gets easier and they grow up very quickly to become people. She said she has support and you will cope. Totally silly comment sayin that tbh

MissSmith80 · 25/04/2019 18:20

I am so sorry that you are going through this OP. I haven't been in your shoes but for years (as a single woman or being in relationships that I knew weren't going to lead to a family) I was told to 'crack on with having a baby' - by professionals because I was likely to have fertility issues. I was sure that I would only have a baby with the right man. We met when I was 32 and after a bit of a journey, we are due our first child next week. So many times over the years I've wondered if I should have tried to conceive even though I knew I would end up a single parent - because I so wanted to be a mum but I can't tell you how relieved I am that it's worked out for us. I just wanted to say that you are not too old to meet the right person and have a family x

SandyY2K · 25/04/2019 18:29

I do not judge and I would terminate if I was in your position.

You can totally cut ties and not have him in your life for the next 21 years.

Even after that age it doesn't end. You'll have to see him at your child's wedding, grandchildren's birthdays etc

Like a bad smell that won't disappear, making it impossible to forget.

tootruetoyou · 25/04/2019 18:30

Which is worse - having him in your life via your shared child or never having children? Personally, l would only risk a termination at your age if l was ok with the possibility of not meeting someone else and having a child.

Rabbiting0n · 25/04/2019 18:33

It sounds like you know what you want to do, but you know it will be painful. Some people make it work. For others, it doesn't.

My parents divorced. My mother was responsible for us 12 days out of 14. It crippled her career. Financially, she was a state, and she was socially isolated. With three children to look after and no money, she never met anyone else and has been single ever since. Her mental health has suffered greatly.
My father had very little disruption to his life. He met someone else, had more children, and despite constantly being in our lives, made us feel like second-class children. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but having half-siblings he was a real father to, whilst only being a part-time parent to us, effected my siblings and I quite a lot. So, I guess I'd say you have to think about how it would potentially affect a child, to have that father in their life, too. For myself, as a parent, I would struggle with a termination, but knowing what my mother went through, and how I felt with a father who moved on and left us behind, I, in your position, would have a termination.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2019 18:36

In your situation I would terminate the pregnancy. I am sorry you are facing this.

Angelinthenightx · 25/04/2019 19:16

First id like to say im sorry your going through this & pregnant.
At your age i think you should keep your baby,i think u would cope very well.
i dont think you should have a abortion because you dont want him in your life.
I think you will be fine on your own & mange to co-parent in time.
It is your choice & im sure you will get all the help to make your mind up on what to do. Just take your time and dont rush into anything.