HELP

[lowerthanalowthing]

I have 2 daughters from a previous relationship and a son with my husband of 15 years.
My eldest daughter (20) doesn't live with us, she moved out at 18 due to clashes with my husband as she grew up, they just couldn't get along. She had lived happily on her own for the past 2 years now, with me very involved in her life! Home life was easier all round without her being there. I know that sounds awful, but my other daughter (17) felt happier too- she gets on fine with my husband and has never had any issues so it's not because of blood, it's a definite personality clash.
My eldest daughter has got herself into a bad relationship, she's been the victim of abuse, and hasn't been paying her bills, got into a mess and has asked to come home cos she needs me.
I've broached the subject with my husband (nervously) and he said he doesn't want her here.
I now feel really torn because she needs me, but my son and other daughter also need him... I feel like I'm being made to choose.
Is affecting the way I am with him, I feel bitter and angry towards him and I'm picking fights constantly. I know I am, but I feel so angry with him.
What should I do?
I'm thinking of leaving, renting a house for me the kids (all of them) but is that fair on the others? He is adamant she isn't moving back in, but she hasn't paid her rent for 2 months now and I can't afford to pay it, and I want to keep her safe away from her abusive partner!! I don't see any other way out of it.
Help!

She's your daughter. She needs you. For me there is no contest.
I'm sorry you are in this position but I do believe you should and must put your child first.

It's all very well saying "personality clash" but you moved this man into your family home......

And yes, I'm afraid you are having to make a choice.

You are right to look into renting someplace and living there with all 3. Your children takes priority over your husband any day.

I will divorce a man who would choose for my child to be stuck in an abusive relationship and not help them because of his selfishness.

She needs to move back in with you.

Clearly she wasn't mature enough to cope with moving out and only did it due to the relationship with your dh.

To be honest I wouldn't want a relationship with some one who would see my child suffer and not want to help.

Agreed she takes priority at this time... also she will have grown up some ... if this was his son same situation same personality would he say the same thing? X

Newmumma - I said this to him. If it was his son or daughter he wouldn't even need to ask me, I would want to help. (he has two children from previous marriage)

I know in my heart the right thing to do, it helps hearing your opinions.

I suppose i just feel bad because my son doesn't want to move out or lose his dad, and neither does my daughter, but both want my eldest daughter safe. He shouldn't put me in this situation!!!!!!!

So the Consensus is that I should leave.

This is such a huge thing. I want to be there for my daughter more than anything, but I feel so sad for my son who is being moved away from his dad, and doesn't want to.

This whole situation stinks - in every way.

I'm going to view a house on Saturday - for me, my son and daughters.

I'm sure my dh doesn't think I will do it, but I will if I'm backed into a corner and have to chose

Daughter has to come first, don't suppose you could buy a caravan and stick it in your backgarden and she (or hubby) could stay in that? That saves you all moving out.

He shouldn’t be putting you in this situation. My kids would come first

Fucking hell. I think your problems (and your daughter's) probably started when you forged ahead with a relationship, cohabitation and marriage with a man who "clashed" with your child. She can only have been a preschooler/reception age when you started up with him. It was on you and him to ensure that their relationship worked, not on her. Can't understand why anyone would set up a life with someone who couldn't get along with their child. If she hadn't moved out at 18, would she be in the abusive relationship and have the financial difficulties she currently has? I think you need to finally put your daughter first.

I know this is a harsh response, but I can somewhat empathise with your daughter and it's so, so shit to have your mum put a man before you. I'm in my 30s now and still struggle with anxiety and bouts of depression related to the situation. Probably always will. Hopefully you can rescue the situation with your daughter but it will take strong action on your part.

You can't allow your daughter to become homeless or abused. Your other children will respect you more for protecting her, and if you don't, will know you'll do it to them too, and that your husband comes before them.

Your husband is being appalling. How he could see her homeless I don't know. She's your child. How he can force you into that position, is mind boggling.

So yes. Leave. As soon as. Your children need to come before this man. And I hesitate to call him a man,

Your kids come first.

So you've been married to him for 15 years, she's 20 so does that mean that she lived unhappily from 5 years old? How soon did yours husbands dislike for her become clear?

If I am correct I would suspect it's long overdue that you look after your daughter

OP, please have a family conversation with your DH and all the children presenting the situation your eldest is in. All of them need to grow up and your DH needs to show how to be a dad to his other children also. DH needs to show how family comes together despite differences to help each other. DH needs to show how to love and support his wife's reasonable requests in a relationship. Your daughter needs to know the rules of living in your house and not rub people up the wrong way.

Otherwise what is the point of a family and a spouse?
Unless you are minimising terrible issues with 'personality clash'...

Could you all pool money to pay her rent?

Horrible situation for you; he should know you well enough to understand you must look after and support your DCs. Your DD probably only left home because she was unhappy. Its v young (these days) to support yourself renting etc because at that age you just dont earn enough. Try and get him to agree otherwise I think you are right to leave.

Quite simply our children are number 1 always.

Would you be able to afford a room in a flat share for her temporarily until she starts earning money. My children are going adults, so I know how much you want to help her. However, she may be your child but she isn't a child. Is it really fair to uproot all of your other children? Does your husband have cause for not wanting her to move back in? If she was very disruptive and disrespectful I can understand how he feels this way. I'm not saying your husband is right or if you are, but there is usually two sides to every story. Is your husband a good man to your other children? If he is I don't think it's fair to demonize him over this. If your eldest coming back means your home will be thrown into chaos, I can't say I blame him for not wanting her to move back in.

Awful. I have two daughters and I can’t believe this is even a question. In fact I can’t believe you let it get to this stage.

Ah right, I just read your post on the concensus.....why are you and the children leaving and not that idiot DH of yours? Ask your eldest to move in so he will automatically move out.

*young adults

He's being a cunt, and I don't use that word lightly. He'd rather your daughter remained at risk of abuse than help her. Cunt.

I need to set a few things straight,

Yes my daughter has always been very disruptive. From the age of 18 months she was very difficult, me and her biological dad split up over her behaviour, as she was very defiant, and he didn't have any patience for her.

I met my current husband when she was 4, he helped me a lot, and the girls. Paid for me to pass my driving test, get my independence and has always tried hard to get along with both my daughters.
Unfortunately my eldest didn't take to him at all, as she favoured her dad even tho he left because he couldn't cope with her (she has never ever been told that!!)

She I was a very stressful teen, she was excluded from school, and has had some terrible boyfriends. But I've always been there for her, and despite her moving out at 18 I see her - speak to her - and do something with her nearly every single day.

Yes she isn't an easy person to get on with, she is quite abusive, and can be very nasty, but I love her and won't have anyone say anything bad about her! She's my daughter and he has said she can't come back. Yes it would probably cause upset, arguments and problems her coming back, but I won't see her struggle.

If he won't allow her back (we live in his mums house which is why I would have to leave) I will leave.

Whether she's hard work or not - she's my daughter and I don't particularly get on with his kids who are older, but I'd never see them struggle!!

From the age of 18 months she was very difficult, me and her biological dad split up over her behaviour, as she was very defiant, and he didn't have any patience for her

Are you fuckig kidding here?! She was a baby! You’re blaming her for the fact that you split?!

Op, I know how much most of us want to help our children who are young adults, but there does come a point when "helping" becomes enabling. What if, after 2 weeks, a month of living with you, she decides to go back to her partner. Don't say she won't because you can't know that and it happens ALL the time in abusive relationships.

You say, "Yes she isn't an easy person to get on with, she is quite abusive, and can be very nasty, but I love her and won't have anyone say anything bad about her!" But YOU just admitted bad things about her. What about the lives of your other children who will be forced out of the home they love and then forced to deal with her disruptive behaviour? How is that fair or in any way reasonable? If you want to live with her, fine, but maybe your other children should have the choice to go with you or stay in their home. I think it may be time for your eldest to face the consequences of her choices and to grow up.

This is a very difficult situation but your eldest shouldn't be your only consideration. There are several other people involved in this mess who's lives will be dramatically affected.

You have labelled her as a problem from 18 months old. Look up the term self fulfilling prophecy.

Of course you must help her, she's your daughter

Would it be feasible for you to assist her with renting somewhere in order to get away from her abusive situation?