HELP

[lowerthanalowthing]

I have 2 daughters from a previous relationship and a son with my husband of 15 years.
My eldest daughter (20) doesn't live with us, she moved out at 18 due to clashes with my husband as she grew up, they just couldn't get along. She had lived happily on her own for the past 2 years now, with me very involved in her life! Home life was easier all round without her being there. I know that sounds awful, but my other daughter (17) felt happier too- she gets on fine with my husband and has never had any issues so it's not because of blood, it's a definite personality clash.
My eldest daughter has got herself into a bad relationship, she's been the victim of abuse, and hasn't been paying her bills, got into a mess and has asked to come home cos she needs me.
I've broached the subject with my husband (nervously) and he said he doesn't want her here.
I now feel really torn because she needs me, but my son and other daughter also need him... I feel like I'm being made to choose.
Is affecting the way I am with him, I feel bitter and angry towards him and I'm picking fights constantly. I know I am, but I feel so angry with him.
What should I do?
I'm thinking of leaving, renting a house for me the kids (all of them) but is that fair on the others? He is adamant she isn't moving back in, but she hasn't paid her rent for 2 months now and I can't afford to pay it, and I want to keep her safe away from her abusive partner!! I don't see any other way out of it.
Help!

Dizzyphillps - You are wrong. I never blamed her for my split, he left cos he couldn't handle her behaviour. Fact. That was his fault no one else's.
I blame her for nothing- she is who she is, but she isn't easy and I have every right to say that. I still love her but it's also the truth.

Aquamarine - this is how I see it.
I've spoken to her sister and she isn't keen to live with her again, but she has said she doesn't want to see her go back to the abuser and if moving out helps her then we should.

I am not calling her names - I am stating the facts. There is no easy way to say it, but I will still defend her to the hilt - she's my daughter, and we just do that don't we.

Everyone on here is so quick to jump and attack me for things I have said, which is fine, I'm the one asking for help, but what I'm trying to say is it's not straight forward.
My son loves his dad, my other daughter loves her step dad and their home,
He has made me feel like I have to uproot them - ( which may make the others resent my daughter) because he has said she can't come home due to past arguments, and behaviour... which I do understand - but this is still morally wrong.
I didn't chose my husband over my daughter, my husband gave us a good life but as my eldest got older she became more difficult 'you're not my dad - you can't tell me what to do' blah blah. I can't blame him for feeling like he does!
My daughter needs her mum! And should be able to come back until she feels ready to go again. In my opinion and he should let her what ever the past issues.

And I've been paying her rent, the past month, and she's been staying with me all week, but dh isn't happy about it and is making me feel very uncomfortable about it!!

Your husband is an arsehole. HTH.

DizzyPhillips
I'm not denying that. He shouldn't be putting me in this position. It's not fair on the whole family.

No. But I genuinely can’t see why this is even a question for you. I’m sorry if you think I’m harsh but when she moved out at 18 that was because you failed to put her first from the moment your new husband appeared on the scene. It’s all too common a story. You can claw some of this back now.

Yes my daughter has always been very disruptive. From the age of 18 months she was very difficult, me and her biological dad split up over her behaviour, as she was very defiant, and he didn't have any patience for her.

Wow.

You didn't split up over her behaviour. If her dad upped and left, it's because HE was useless and lacked the ability to develop strategies to parent his child effectively. It was a fault in him, not a result of your 18 month old's behaviour.

Lots of 18 month olds are extremely challenging. We don't label them as "difficult" because THEY ARE BABIES. The PP who talked about self fulfilling prophecies was onto something.

Put your daughter first - she needs you. It's also probably not a coincidence that she's ended up in an abusive relationship immediately after leaving home.

My contention is that you can help your troubled daughter without also destroying the rest of your family. I find it very concerning that you have put blinders on in regards to the welfare and happiness of your other children.

I failed to put her first? Before my son and my daughter who live a happy life at home with their dad / step dad?

I didn't!

I have 3 children. She took it upon her self to move out at 18 because we complained she kept waking the whole house when she came in pissed at 4am every fri and sat night. When we tried to deal with it, reason with her, it became he's not my dad etc etc... it's hard.
She was wrong, she is an adult and there I have other children to consider.

I've not let her down at all, and she knows that.

How do you decide that one child's happiness is more important than the others?

If I move out and rent a house, my other children's lives are being changed... will they think it's for the better? Prob not. Aren't they as important?

You aren't looking at the whole picture, you are just looking at this being me abandoning her when she needs me - which I am not doing and never have done.

I really am in a totally shit situation, that I shouldn't be in cos my DH should say she can come home for now to get herself straight. The end.

You said they’ve clashed as she was growing up. I would not have remained with a man who did not get on with my child. Even if it was because the child was an awkward sod.

*Wow.

You didn't split up over her behaviour. If her dad upped and left, it's because HE was useless and lacked the ability to develop strategies to parent his child effectively. It was a fault in him, not a result of your 18 month old's behaviour.

Lots of 18 month olds are extremely challenging. We don't label them as "difficult" because THEY ARE BABIES. The PP who talked about self fulfilling prophecies was onto something.*

I didn't say it was her fault - he left cos he was an arse hole. Her behaviour was very challenging and we used to argue over it. I in no way blame her - that was down to him and him alone!! Which is why I threw him out! I have already said this. Please don't try and make out I'm something I'm not.

DizzyPhillips
She clashed with her sister too. All the time. Should I have moved her out as well?

That’s entirely different. That’s her sister. Not some random you forced into her life for your benefit.

Some random?

Really?

I wouldn't have introduced any random into my two daughters life if it wasn't for good!!

My 17 year old daughter gets along with my DH perfectly well!! This is not cos he was a random!!

I agree with some things you have said, and I will put her first cos that's what I feel I should do. I will view the house and I'll go from there. I know she needs me, and I won't let her down.

While I appreciate what you have said, I do think you aren't considering anyone but my daughter - the other two children's needs are just as important as hers. That's what makes this so difficult and what if I uproot them and leave my husband and then she decides to move out?
She is 20 - she's an adult.
This isn't easy.

if she comes back to your house she will cause trouble again.
if you move out with your other children to be with her she will be abusive again.
why cant she leave her abusive partner?
why cant she settle her life?

You've completely changed your story. First it was "DD clashed with DH growing up". When lots of us pointed out that your daughter did not bear responsibility for the state of her relationship with her stepfather as a small child, and questioned your decision to move in and marry him, you are now saying that actually your DH was nothing but helpful to you and your kids and it was all your daughter being difficult/defiant or whatever.

By the way, when you quoted me above you failed to include the section where I copied your words which were that your daughter has always been disruptive, was difficult from the age of 18months and that you and her dad split up because of her behaviour. Those were your words. But it seems you are not open to reflecting on your own part in this so not really sure what was the point in posting.

If this was me, I'd sit her down and express how much I loved her...but I would also tell her that she needs to name some serious changes in her life in order to live with you.

She needs to be told that the coming in ay all hours and disturbing the rest of the family wont be tolerated. Make the house rules very clear and if she can't live by them, then she doesn't move back in with you.

You have 2 other children to think about and it's not fair for them to suffer because of her.

You need to give her some tough love, because if she hasn't changed her ways, she'll make life a misery and your other 2 DC will move back in with your DH, and you'll be left with your DD.

You will put her first over your other children and your marriage? No matter her issues or behaviour? So no matter how badly she behaves, how disruptive and irresponsible she is, how much the rest of your family has to suffer, SHE comes first? Above all others, consequences be damned. Really?

Have you ever sought professional help to see why your daughter has challenging behaviours?

Are you really blind to the fact that you can help your daughter without sacrificing everyone else in your family?

What would happen if you simply moved her back in with you? Would he scream a lot? Throw you out?

Perhaps you should just do it. If he completely kicks off then at least it will be his decision for you to split up, rather than you having to take on the burden alone of deciding to do so.

Thanks for all your opinions, I'll take them all on board. x

*If this was me, I'd sit her down and express how much I loved her...but I would also tell her that she needs to name some serious changes in her life in order to live with you.

She needs to be told that the coming in ay all hours and disturbing the rest of the family wont be tolerated. Make the house rules very clear and if she can't live by them, then she doesn't move back in with you.

You have 2 other children to think about and it's not fair for them to suffer because of her.

You need to give her some tough love, because if she hasn't changed her ways, she'll make life a misery and your other 2 DC will move back in with your DH, and you'll be left with your DD.*

I feel that sandy has given me the best advice, without casting aspersions, judging me, she has understood the predicament. I am going to take her advice as above as I feel this is best all round. Thanks sandy x

lowerthanalowthing

You're most welcome.

I also think your DD would benefit from some individual counselling in time.

She's repeatedly chosen partners who aren't so good and maybe talking through her issues with a professional, who won't make any judgements would help.

She could gain valuable insight and do some self exploration in therapy.

I know money isn't free flowing, but some areas have low cost couselling services. Do a Google search and see what you come up with.