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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The next stage of my life WILL be better...

998 replies

Dumbledior · 15/07/2007 19:49

New thread for me to moan...

OP posts:
Dior · 30/09/2007 14:38

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lou33 · 30/09/2007 14:41

ok i am boiling with rage at his attitude so now unable to say anything apart from

he's a f*cking idiot, get away from him

how dare he project all the blame to you

Dior · 30/09/2007 16:54

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lou33 · 30/09/2007 17:58

i think you would be wasting your time as he will make you feel shit after reading it

btw the gardener got in touch with me today

Dior · 30/09/2007 18:13

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lou33 · 30/09/2007 19:52

you know what i think you should do

he wanted to let me know he had dumped the one he said was true love, guess he was hoping i'd say yipee

i called him a nob

Dior · 30/09/2007 20:08

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Dior · 30/09/2007 20:09

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lou33 · 30/09/2007 20:17

he can only twist it if you allow yourself to believe him

CountDioracula · 30/09/2007 20:21

He is carrying on as if nothing has been said now. Do I want to come and watch Antiques Roadshow? 'FUCK OFF'

CountDioracula · 01/10/2007 09:26

Wanted to kiss me goodbye this morning. He said, 'Do I not get a kiss?' and I just said, 'No'.

Childish I know, but why would he want to kiss me when he finds me so disappointing and repulsive? It breaks my heart to actually get on with him most of the time, start feeling more affection for him, but then remember that his is all so dependant on me losing weight and not being 'greedy' in his eyes.

sugar34plum · 01/10/2007 09:49

hi never posted on your thread before hope you dont mind now?

i have to say i never realised how much suffering you was going through. You are you whether your a a skinny woman or an over weight one. Im sorry but you h sounds like just an arse. no one has the right to make you feel so down about yourself and especially over you body. He sounds like a complete bully who has to be in control and have things his own way.

Are you his dw or his trophy and his possesion?

Im sorry if i sound too harsh but your pain is just so evident even on a computer screen. I cant begin to imagine your rl pain. x

Baffy · 01/10/2007 10:01

Dior I completely agree with sugar's post, she put it perfectly. You can't live like this any longer. How can you get the strength to succeed at WW and start to make yourself feel better when he constantly crushes you in every way?

sallysparrow · 01/10/2007 10:11

Oh Dior, he's just getting worse.

he's acting as if everythings ok now, because he thinks he's got his own way!

How can he only respect you when you are denying yourself something? Presumably because he thinks you earn respect by denial. Maybe he thinks you should respect him for staying celebate while he waits for you to become the person in his imagination.

That seems wierd to me. I just dont see why he cant love you whatever - you cant turn love on and off. That was one of the ways I knew we had reached the end, when I started to feel slightly repulsed by him. That had never happened before, and there was no real reason for it, except I was so fed up of the controlling.

And some things my Mum has said suggest that his behaviour was more apparent to other people than I realised which made me feel awful.

I really feel for you as This is such an awful stage to be in - you want to do something final, but you keep looking for the positives because there is more than just your relationship at stake.

if it helps, I will say that after a difficult first week, DD's behaviour is now probably the best it has been in ages, and she seems quite happy. I still feel quite crap, but some of that is from the mess the house is in, with some of his stuff gone but a lot still there. Im going through it all bit by bit, and it is very satisfying when some of it goes.

Ive also got tennis elbow (from moving his fecking fridge and washing machine!) which is very painful, Im deaf in one ear, and my thumbnail is coming off none of which helps my mood.

I wish there was something we could do to help things along for you.

By the way, I think my internest connection at home has gone as he was going to have it transferred, so until I can get my own sorted, I will only be able to come on here at work, and facebook is blocked at work.

CountDioracula · 01/10/2007 12:17

Thanks everyone.

Yes, I feel like it is the end. It has been forced on me - I haven't wanted it to be. I can't be the person he wants and I feel like he is looking at me with disappointment all the time, unless I am slim.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/10/2007 13:01

Love the name change, hon!

As you've worked out, making love conditional like that is just WRONG. Would you tell your DS you would only love him if he did his homework without being nagged, for example, or that you'd love him once he washed his hands? As Sallysparrow says, you can't turn love on and off. If he can't love you tubby, he wouldn't truly love you slim either - not real love, it couldn't be. If he showed affection you'd want to lose the weight to make him happy, but this way, subtly presented as kindness and reasoning, is just bullying. It's like slapping you in the face for eating - it's the kind of slap that works on you because you would know what to do about physical violence, but you don't know what to do about this. Violence to your feelings, non-stop criticising of everything you are and do, interleaved with niceness to keep you thinking it's kindly meant, that is the worst kind of cruelty.

As for the sex thing - you can't have any with him and it's all over if you have it anywhere else - that's just bloody mean, that is.

I know you're waiting for him to do something extra horrible, to give you the necessary push, but this latest incident must be pretty close to it. I mean, telling you off for having too many cans of coke? WHO THE FECK DOES HE THINK HE IS? Stop being apologetic, dear, and get bloody mad. Tell him to mind his own business. "Secret" eating, what, you're only allowed to eat when he's watching you? And then he says he wants to respect you. That ain't no definition of respect that I know of.

A bit of off the wall advice from my own peculiar perspective: get out of there before you meet someone you'd rather be with, because if you left him for someone else your new relationship would always be a little bit spoiled by guilt. And to finish off, a prediction: I bet you'll be able to come off the ADs once you stop living with him. And you'll almost certainly lose weight too.

macdoodle · 01/10/2007 13:14

God what a shit - know how you feel my H was exactly the same - even told me he found me repulsive at my fattest but still loved me ...so I kept eating and pushing him away - I think I was hoping he would suddenyl realise that he loved me no matter how big I was ....he didn't and as you know he went elsewhere but even that was my fault - "she was slim pretty looked after herself"...hm yup 10 years younger no kids no house no job no business no money worries no housework so yup me 10 years ago .....he ruined it not me and you need to belive the same....once he finally left and I rebuilt my self esteem found I lost the weight relatively easily but I was doing it for ME not for him....so Now he wants me but TBH he has really killed it for me and I can't get all the things he said and did out of my head I am the same person as I always was does he just love the outside how very superficial and childish....much strength hon it is so very very hard and scary to get away especially when they make you FEEL so worthless just remember you aren't !

Sobernow · 01/10/2007 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lou33 · 01/10/2007 13:47

completely agree with sobernow

also you do realise thet even if you got to his ideal weight, he would then pick on something else he didnt like about you, dont you?

your weight isnt the issue, it is just a thing he knows you feel insecure about, the issue is him

Tanee58 · 01/10/2007 14:21

Dior, like the new name!

Horrible man. No, I know you defend him by saying he can be nice, but really, he is a horrible man. Control freak. You've been miserable for so long and NOTHING has really changed - you don't have to explain things to him so as to give him the opportunity to twist things. Just tell him you've had enough, that you want him out. Try the broken record technique. He's just using weight as a control. Good grief, if you follow through his idea of love, we'd all separate when our partners lose their hair, their teeth, their sixpack, whatever. LOVE? He doesn't know the meaning of the word.

Sorry, I'm having a day of talking to mad people on the phones and have no patience with idiots today.

sallysparrow · 01/10/2007 15:07

Well said everyone!

CountDioracula · 01/10/2007 15:25

I said the 'getting older' thing and apprentlyu it is not the same. Nor would it be if I lost a leg (for example). I can not help getting older, but I CAN help being 'greedy' and over-eating. Apparently I should be able to control myself - like him.

sallyfubsylittlebat · 01/10/2007 15:31

Doesnt he know the joy of occasional overindulgence?

Hasnt he read Charlie and the Chocolate factory - you know, the bit where Charlie slowly unwraps the chocolate bar and savours every bite.

Wouyldnt work with a fat reduced slimmers bar, would it!

Gods sake, we all know its healthier to be slim and fit yada yada etc, but youre not exactly breaking the bed.

(I broke a bed when I was size 10, but thats another story ).

lou33 · 01/10/2007 15:38

i dont know why you even listen to him any more dior

CountDioracula · 01/10/2007 15:39

lol Fubsy!

No, it is not the enjoying he has a problem with. I do have a problem with food and can never stop at one slice/bar/etc. Most normal people do what you say, enjoy the bar slowly. I tend to stuff it in and then eat at least one more. I am sure it is not an attractive sight or thought for someone so in control as he is. I think that, if we shared a bar in the evening, I would not feel the need to eat secretly.

I feel so sad because I saw how he felt about me on holiday, when I was out of breath. I know he is disappointed in me.

I phoned a Solicitor today and qualify for Legal Aid. I think I will book an appointment with them.

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