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Original poster

The way DP treats DD - is this typical?

84 replies

Mummy19891 · 21/04/2019 21:19

So just wondered if what I would view as a general lack on interest from DP towards DD was normal.

DD is now 6 months, from birth DP was very hands off, wouldn’t get involved with changing nappies or giving her baths, and would much rather watch tv. I brushed this off as just the newborn stage isn’t for everyone and figured as she go more active and alert things would change! But even now that she is more vocal and moving around he still seems disinterested, would rather rush bath time to get back to the tv, wouldn’t help get her ready unless I’m doing something like making food for him (nipped that one). She has also hit her head a few times when with him as he has left her sitting got distracted, again by the tv, and she has toppled.

So my question is, is this normal for a first time dad to have such a lack on interest? Will it change as she gets a bit older?

OP posts:

RunSweatLaughAndLatte · 21/04/2019 21:22

I was like this when I had depression and/or was stressed/had something on my mind. Could something be up with him?

Creatureofthenight · 21/04/2019 21:26

Do you mean he just flat refused to change nappies? That’s not on.

TheInebriati · 21/04/2019 21:26

''She has also hit her head a few times when with him as he has left her sitting got distracted, again by the tv, and she has toppled.''

No thats not normal, its neglectful parenting. I don't know how you would tackle it, but it sounds like he doesn't feel connected to his child and doesn't want to be a parent.

Mintandthyme · 21/04/2019 21:29

Don’t think it’s normal
But having said that, there seem to be a lot of posters on MN who have children with useless men so maybe it’s more normal than it should be

Original poster

Mummy19891 · 21/04/2019 21:49

I worried that he may have been depressed, but it just seems like he is somewhat lazy and disinterested when it comes to her. Got to the point where I asked if he was stressed and how he felt and he now insists on mentioning how easy it has all been compared to colleagues he has spoken to.

@Creatureofthenight, In the beginning he’d refuse, now he’ll moan and try to get me to do it or if in company he’ll try to get them to.

@TheInebriati, I do worry that he just doesn’t want to be a parent and that he just feels obligated to her as opposed to any real love. I also worry about her safety, once he said she hit the back of her head and I told him you can’t just leave her sitting unattended as she can’t sit up for very long at the moment.

Hoping itll get better as time goes on, but makes it so difficult leaving her with him as it’s almost like I have to look after them both. He left hot coffee on the floor yesterday, when she was on the floor and I just had to say use your head as I’m not always going to be in the room to do it for you!

OP posts:

Cambionome · 21/04/2019 21:57

OMG. His behaviour is awful!

She has hit her head several times and he has left hot coffee within her reach??

Time to have a very serious word with him. Don't put your child at risk by leaving them with this lazy pos.

waterrat · 21/04/2019 22:10

Not normal behaviour from a dad no. Rushing things with her so he can watch TV is weird.

Does he ever do a proper activity with her - like actual bonding or enjoying doing something just for her ?

Original poster

Mummy19891 · 21/04/2019 22:14

@Cambionome, I’ve had the serious words but I think he assumes I’m been over protective just passes it off as she is fine. So now I just find myself lurking to make sure she is safe.

I’ve come from quite a large family with a lot of kids, he on the other hand hasn’t and our DD is his first real interaction with a baby. Which doesn’t excuse the safety aspects but perhaps the general interaction.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummy19891 · 21/04/2019 22:22

@waterrat no, I tried to get him to do things she enjoys.. bath time, feeding her now she is on solids, tummy time as she is almost crawling. I did suggest taking her to do swimming lessons but he wants me to come too (most likely to do the changing), even taking him to his parents house alone up the road but he didn’t want to do that. And I would say perhaps he is worried about looking after her alone, but if that were the case i would think she wouldn’t keep hitting her head as he’d be watching her like a hawk. Just at my wits end as I want them to have a good relationship.

OP posts:

Cambionome · 21/04/2019 22:24

You seem to be taking this quite casually, op... How would you feel if she got hurt because of his negligence?

Stop making excuses for him and read the riot act! His behaviour really isn't normal or acceptable - don't let him persuade you that it is.

Cambionome · 21/04/2019 22:27

Sorry - cross posted.
I've just seen that you are at your wits end. I don't blame you, tbh.
Could you get his dm to have a word and try to get the message through that this isn't acceptable? (Clutching at straws here).

DrWhy · 21/04/2019 22:33

I think some lack of interest in very young babies is normal. My DH certainly didn’t spend the hours just gazing at our squidgy newborns that I did. He only really started to get more interested when DS for more interactive and I’m pretty sure would choose to spend a couple of hours with the toddler over the baby any day.
However... refusing to do care like changing nappies is not acceptable, letting her topple over and bump her head a second time once he’d realised it could happen is awful. He needs to start parenting properly even if he isn’t finding this stage particularly fascinating.

S1naidSucks · 21/04/2019 22:34

Excuses excuses! Even if a woman is an only child, she’s still expected to learn how to look after and interact with her baby. Just because he’s a man, it doesn’t excuse him. He’s a lazy, selfish prick that expects you to do the parenting because you’ve got a vagina. Why should you have to wait until your baby gets older, for him to become a decent father. How many times must your child get hurt, before you realise he’s neglectful because he’s selfish?

madcatladyforever · 21/04/2019 22:39

No it isn't normal at all. He should feel proud of his child and protective of her. He sounds as though he has no interest or pin his child whatsoever and has clicked off. What a terrible shame. My cousin and brother in law adore their children, show them off at every opportunity and fully engage with their care.

cantwait2bfree · 21/04/2019 22:51

Lazy and very selfish no excuses here he doesn’t really care about your or the baby leaving hot coffee on the floor next to a baby?? It’s about common sense he sounds like a dick am afraid

senbei · 21/04/2019 23:00

Really sorry for asking this and feel free to not answer if it's too much of a sensitive question:

Did you both decide to have a child? Or was it an accident?

Erythronium · 21/04/2019 23:08

How does he treat you? This sort of behaviour isn't usually confined to one area.

You make a lot of excuses for him.

IloveJudgeJudy · 21/04/2019 23:08

DH had had zero interaction with DC before we had ours and he's been a fantastic parent so that's no excuse. It sounds like he just can't be bothered. He should really be clever enough to work it out for himself, but for your DC's sake I'd spell it out for him one last time that he needs to watch her carefully and that he can't leave hot liquids etc anywhere within reach at all or he will be judged neglectful. I really hope for both your sakes he steps up.

Original poster

Mummy19891 · 21/04/2019 23:09

I am at my wits end, of course I don’t want my DD to get hurt which is why I’ve now had to either keep an extra eye on them both, i.e. if in the kitchen going back to check or I bring her with me, which is far easier and leaves me less anxious!

Already asked mil to have a word but she just finds it funny and says oh naughty daddy. Probably the other reason why I wondered if it were normal and that I come from a family where we are too over protective, I don’t think I am over protective but the laughter from my mil did make me think.

PP, that’s what I said about the common sense with the hot coffee. She is really mobile at the moment just not crawling yet but if she had been then she’d have got to the coffee long before I got there.

OP posts:

S1naidSucks · 21/04/2019 23:11

Btw, are you doing all the cooking, housework, etc?

Original poster

Mummy19891 · 21/04/2019 23:18

DD wasn’t an accident, although his now is a better time if ever comments could have been him not really being fussed about the idea of kids. Regardless she was planned.

DP with me, well can be quite selfish unless I stand my ground, which is often and also he is generally lazy. Basically will try and take the piss!

Really he does need to step up because I’m falling out of love with him from seeing how he is with her. Thought she’d be his little princess but apart from bragging about how cute she is he doesn’t really seem to care much.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 21/04/2019 23:19

My ds had a baby with his gf when him was in his late teens. He did everything he could from day 1: nappies, baths etc. Couldn't do enough things he was so excited. He was very immature in many ways but totally besotted with baby. He had never as much as held a baby before that.
Your DP sounds neglectful and basically horrible. How old is he? Was he a good partner before baby? He sounds a bit addicted to TV too.

Graphista · 21/04/2019 23:28

Properly planned as in he was enthusiastic about ttc or was it something you wanted and time was running out?

Not an excuse at all! But there is some reason why he doesn't care for her.

Is he an only child? When you first met did he want kids?

Honestly? I'd be telling him he shapes up (and proves it by reading up on infant care and development, health and safety even going on a parenting course) or he gets out!

I couldn't be with someone like that and I certainly wouldn't be leaving her alone with him until I was sure he was safe to do so.

To be perfectly honest I'd be questioning if those head bumps were really accidental? I think you seriously need to consider they may not have been as even with neglect that's unusual for her to have had several accidents of this nature.

Torytop · 21/04/2019 23:37

He shapes up or he moves out, surely. It doesn’t matter whether he’s madly keen on the idea of being a parent, he is one.

And the experience thing is nonsense. I had way more experience of babies than DH — eldest of a large family, lots of babysitting for a young age — but I don’t remember that making the slightest difference when DS was a newborn. Changing a nappy isn’t rocket science.

Redshoeblueshoe · 21/04/2019 23:42

I totally agree with Graphista. One bump, it happens, but then a normal person would be extra careful.
I have 3 GCS. All of them have had accidents whilst in my care. The parents were immediately told exactly what happened. They all appreciated that they were actually accidents, and not me being neglectful.
I'm not getting this vibe from your H.
Please think very carefully about exactly what is going on here

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