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Original poster

The way DP treats DD - is this typical?

84 replies

Mummy19891 · 21/04/2019 21:19

So just wondered if what I would view as a general lack on interest from DP towards DD was normal.

DD is now 6 months, from birth DP was very hands off, wouldn’t get involved with changing nappies or giving her baths, and would much rather watch tv. I brushed this off as just the newborn stage isn’t for everyone and figured as she go more active and alert things would change! But even now that she is more vocal and moving around he still seems disinterested, would rather rush bath time to get back to the tv, wouldn’t help get her ready unless I’m doing something like making food for him (nipped that one). She has also hit her head a few times when with him as he has left her sitting got distracted, again by the tv, and she has toppled.

So my question is, is this normal for a first time dad to have such a lack on interest? Will it change as she gets a bit older?

OP posts:

AlunWynsKnee · 21/04/2019 23:44

He just can't be arsed with putting any effort into parenting.
DH and I had little experience of baby care and whilst I was in love with our first immediately, he needed a nudge and confidence building in the first month.
That's not your DP. He's just lazy.

Deadringer · 21/04/2019 23:49

So he would rather watch TV than take care of his baby? Yes that is normal, for a lazy selfish arsehole. He needs to step up or piss off imo.

willowmelangell · 21/04/2019 23:56

It's been a long, long time since I had a baby, but can't you get parenting classes now?

Hearhere · 22/04/2019 00:04

This is terrible, he should be treating her like precious China not letting her hit her head!

Mrsmummy90 · 22/04/2019 00:05

That's not normal, no.

My husband had never held a child before our dd and had no real experience with children.
He didn't bond with her for around 6 months and admitted during that time that his feelings toward her were neutral. Despite that, he was very hands on as he knew it was the right thing. He changed nappies, got up with her on weekends so that I could lie in and bathed her with me.
She's now 15 months and he absolutely adores her with his heart and soul and is still very much a hands on dad.

That's the kind of support that you deserve. This guy sounds utterly useless and to put his child in danger out of sheer laziness is pretty despicable.
I'd be giving him an ultimate, purely for the safety of your dd.

Hearhere · 22/04/2019 00:06

He sounds extremely immature bordering on sociopathic

Hearhere · 22/04/2019 00:07

I would be keeping him well away from both her and me, he isn't trustworthy, I wouldn't feel safe with him

MrsTeaspoon · 22/04/2019 02:24

His behaviour would not be acceptable to me, whether anybody else considers it normal or not. I had had no experience of young children at all before having my eldest yet knew she needed constant care and attention and of course I provided it!! When my husband was a first-time Dad...he bathed with her, changed nappies very nervously but happily, winded her, never drank hot drinks near her, took her swimming, read to her every night, did baby massage with her every night...basically acted like the parent he was, the parent she needed him to be, the besotted Dad he is! And he’s still the same with our other children.

And even with serious mental health issues many people successfully manage to put a baby’s needs first before telly watching! You need to not dismiss this as maybe being normal.

stacking1 · 22/04/2019 04:33

For me this is typical yes.

Is it right ? Imo, no. And it's certainly not what I'd imagine it to be when u have a baby with someone.

I focused too much on what it should be like, basing everything on my ideal - but in reality everything isn't picture perfect and I realised a few of my friends with babies where in the same situation (but before in my head they had the perfect family life). In the end I had to decide if I was happy or not with my life and decided I was not so have made the right steps in leaving.

Ps, I could have written ur post op - even down to the hot liquid near ur dc, and the falling over (why they can't see dangers is beyond me)

AgentJohnson · 22/04/2019 06:53

DP with me, well can be quite selfish unless I stand my ground, which is often and also he is generally lazy. Basically will try and take the piss!

So everything you’ve stated is ‘normal’ for him. Given that he has given you no reason to believe he would stop being a selfish and lazy partner, why exactly did you think he would be different as a parent? Time is not going to change the person he is, which is a lazy fucker.

The neglect in his care is quite genius of him, it ensures that you won’t be leaving his child unsupervised with him anytime soon.

The balls in your court but, not his.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 22/04/2019 06:59

My DH didn’t bond with our newborns like I did. It took a good year until he did and I think that is because of the relentless feeding cycle I was in. We also argued a number of times about safety issues such as hot coffee and car seats. He took longer to adjust than I did. I would say now he is more risk averse than me and definitely a devoted dad so people do change.

However, he absolutely did do nappies and wouldn’t have let them topple as he watched tv. That isn’t disinterest but negligent parenting.

Have you tried talking about how he is feeling? Overwhelmed or depressed? Or is he a lazy guy generally?

ukgift2016 · 22/04/2019 07:00

DP with me, well can be quite selfish unless I stand my ground, which is often and also he is generally lazy. Basically will try and take the piss!

Well what a surprise, prone to previous lazy behaviour!

Also his mother saying "naughty daddy!" And not giving a real shit about how her son is around his own child.

The warning signs were there. From his family upbringing AND from his lazy behaviour with you. Did you really expect him just to change because he had a baby?

You cannot leave then alone together. Reading about the hot coffee cup on the ground while baby laying there made me cringe.

My sister getting married to a lazy man too. I always think the end of their marriage will be a baby, I think she expects like you for him to magically change overnight!

MrsBobDylan · 22/04/2019 07:11

He won't change. He was lazy before becoming a father, he is lazy now and will always be that way.

MIL is laughing because she has indulged his laziness and now it isn't her problem anymore as he has you to indulge him.

I can totally sympathise with the feeling that his laziness is affecting how you feel about him.

He is letting a young, wobbly baby sit up and fall over, hitting her head in the process. He is putting hot coffee on the floor. It is only a matter of time before she gets hurt ☹️.

He sounds deeply unattractive. I couldn't spend a lifetime with a man like this (even a week would have me seriously angry with him).

adaline · 22/04/2019 07:11

So he was already lazy and selfish - why did you think he'd be any different with a baby?

So many women have children with shit partners and then wonder why they're still shit when the baby is born!

user1493413286 · 22/04/2019 07:23

My DH has enjoyed DD more as she’s gotten older and more able to play and been more keen to take her out but the part about him letting her fall as he’s been distracted I don’t think is normal. One time you could understand he didn’t realise she was unstable but after that you’d expect him to be extra cautious.

Babdoc · 22/04/2019 07:28

OP, what does this selfish, lazy, unloving sperm donor actually bring to your relationship and your little family? What is his contribution to the joy of your existence? What is he for?
In other words, is there any reason for staying with him? What positives will be sufficient to offset him not giving a shit about your child’s safety, of having to be pushed to help with even the basics of parental care?
I think you will start to resent him, and his attitude will (rightly and understandably) destroy your affection for him. Now is the time to tell him that he is risking your marriage, unless he shapes up to at least the bare minimum pretence of being a decent husband and father.

Original poster

Mummy19891 · 22/04/2019 10:11

To those asking why I chose to have a child with my DP considering he was so lazy, in all honesty I really genuinely believed he would love her so much and be willing to do anything for her. Obviously was very stupid for thinking this.

As for what he brings to the relationship and family dynamic, apart from the financial side of things, not much, it feels like I have two children most days. I get most my emotional support from my family but they don’t live close buy. Really I look at his relationship with him Mum and should have known better. At the moment she has some fractured bones in her ankle yet was having her make drinks yesterday, I had to say to him that’s your Mum she isn’t in the best of health go make your own drink.

To the poster who said about him being genius I’m not looking after DD or acting like he can’t, you are so right. Never really thought of it in that way, but you’ve hit the nail on the head there.

OP posts:

Hearhere · 22/04/2019 10:20

Luckily he is not bright enough to realise the extent to which he is over playing his hand, he thinks that because his mum has always indulged him other women will do the same

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 22/04/2019 10:26

He sounds frankly crap. I had no experience of babies when I had DS, and DH already had two DC. At no point did anyone expect that he would do all the childcare, and I would need any leeway due to my lack of experience. We both just got on with it. Parenting as you know is not rocket science, and is well within the abilities of any healthy adult, especially in the baby stage where they just need to be fed, clean and loved. You would be much better off as a single parent with only one DC to look after unless he steps up pronto!

ElectricDreamz · 22/04/2019 11:18

Your mil laughed because she thinks parenting (and making drinks) is women's work. My mil was the same but luckily it didn't stop my dh from doing his share and being a good dad. One time i was cooking and toddler dd fell over and hurt herself. Dh rushed to her to help her and mil came and shouted at me for not helping dd as she might be hurt. Apparently my dh helping her didn't count. Mil had just arrived in the country after not seeing her for 1.5 years, so.not like this was a result of tensions building up.

Graphista · 22/04/2019 12:38

I think you're flogging a dead horse to be honest. He won't change. Do you want to parent 2 children including a grown ass man? Or do you want to give yourself and your child a break from this lazy loser?

Original poster

Mummy19891 · 22/04/2019 13:19

Yes MIL very much enables DP in his laziness. Even had the cheek to say I need to look after him , but I did remind her that he is a grown arse man.. obviously that’s only physically and not mentally or emotionally.

FIL asked when we are going to have another and I just thought go through this again.. I love my DD, loved pregnancy, love motherhood but don’t think I could add another baby to the mix with DP not doing his duties as a parent! Also when I can’t even leave DD alone with him what does that say. Even if he did improve could I get past these feelings.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 22/04/2019 13:27

You and your DD deserve better than a lazy disinterested partner and father. I'd explain all these points to him, and give him a timeframe to make changes. Not a very long one! Make it clear that you will be separating from him if he continues like this.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/04/2019 13:31

Selfish and lazy.

His mum sounds like a airhead.

Moralitym1n1 · 22/04/2019 13:32

Even had the cheek to say I need to look after him

Of FFS she's made a lazy, entitled man child for some poor woman - you, at the moment.

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