Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The way DP treats DD - is this typical?

84 replies

Mummy19891 · 21/04/2019 21:19

So just wondered if what I would view as a general lack on interest from DP towards DD was normal.

DD is now 6 months, from birth DP was very hands off, wouldn’t get involved with changing nappies or giving her baths, and would much rather watch tv. I brushed this off as just the newborn stage isn’t for everyone and figured as she go more active and alert things would change! But even now that she is more vocal and moving around he still seems disinterested, would rather rush bath time to get back to the tv, wouldn’t help get her ready unless I’m doing something like making food for him (nipped that one). She has also hit her head a few times when with him as he has left her sitting got distracted, again by the tv, and she has toppled.

So my question is, is this normal for a first time dad to have such a lack on interest? Will it change as she gets a bit older?

OP posts:
ElectricDreamz · 22/04/2019 13:40

FIL asked when we are going to have another
"When dh starts helping parent our first one, so don't hold your breath"

Springwalk · 22/04/2019 13:42

This is absolutely not normal.
Or anything to do with bonding!

Even a stranger that didn’t care for a baby at all would not allow them to hurt themselves so often, or leave hot coffee near them. This is a classic case of parental neglect.

You can’t possibly see any future with a man so irresponsible? You have already done the serious talk and consequences, so the only thing left is action. You sound very isolated with a weak mother in law that has indulged her son far too much. He is looking to you to replace her, not to be an equal team member. He wants a maid/cook and housekeeper with benefits, and really doesn’t sound interested in raising your child properly.

You have a decision to make. Take your dd and go and live near your support network. Or you stay and accept you are entirely on your own.
He is unlikely to ever be the partner or father that you wish him to be.

You may find a loving future dp may bring your dd love and security, but to leave your dd with a father that can not even protect her from such basic dangers may cause you considerable regret. It will be seen as you condoning and allowing these ‘accidents’ to continue, therefore facilitating negligence. If this ends up with ss due to a serious fall or burn then you could also find yourself under investigation. No man is worth the stress and worry this is likely to cause you, even assuming your dd isn’t seriously injured.

I’d leave in your position.

Original poster
Mummy19891 · 22/04/2019 13:43

Oh yes his mother will pander to him. Pretty sure now his umbilical cord is still attached to her.

But the fact that his behaviour is affecting DD and their potential relationship, it does make me angry and also sad too. So interesting to see that so many of you have had partners who have been so involved and really wanted the involvement too.

I can just see if I left he probably wouldn’t want to look after her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy19891 · 22/04/2019 13:44

Better an absent father than a disinterested neglectful one I suppose.

OP posts:
Springwalk · 22/04/2019 13:49

In your case an absent father would SAFER for your dd.

Gre8scott · 22/04/2019 13:53

No my husband had changed more nappies than me at the start the only thing i did was feed er ans recover from a terrible birth. He has always been so hands on

Lovestruk · 22/04/2019 14:03

Hi Mummy19891 I'm sorry your partner is a lazy waste of space you deserve better as does you little one x is he on drugs?

Giggles63 · 22/04/2019 14:14

My partner was very similar. 4 children and 35 years later and we are in the middle of separating. Sorry!

Original poster
Mummy19891 · 22/04/2019 15:51

@Lovestruk, no he isn’t on drugs but I’d say he is addicted to the screen whether it be the tv, phone or laptop. Wherever we go first thing he’ll want to do is turn on the tv especially if family is involved.. only time I’ve not seen him interested in any screens is when drinking with friends, before DD obviously.

@Giggles63, sorry to hear you’re separating, or congrats. Sounds very much like my mum, 4 children, 20 odd years.. but I only learnt of how useless my dad was years after they split. Up until then I thought my mum was just an angry, controlling person.. now I understand he made he that way. Gosh am I repeating history Sad, no that cannot happen.

OP posts:
Giggles63 · 22/04/2019 15:56

Oh it's definitely congrats! I haven't wasted all that time, because I have amazing children who are - thankfully - nothing like their Dad. But if you are hoping, like I did, that things will get better, don't be like me and wait too long.

Lovestruk · 22/04/2019 15:59

Mummy19891 You will only be repeating it if you see it and let it continue. Respect yourself and don't allow him to disrespect you any longer. He sounds like he's constantly distracting himself from something but this is not your problem and if you have already raised this with him before and see no change now you are just accepting it. I'm sorry but it's up to you to change now not him because you can only change you nobody else. If he's depressed he'll be no good to you anyway or your little one and needs to get help first, please help yourself to be happy xxx

SoHotADragonRetired · 22/04/2019 16:01

Well, there you are I'm afraid. You had a child with a lazy selfish manchild, and shockingly enough having a baby didn't magically change him and he's still a lazy selfish manchild. You, as an adult, can take care of yourself, but your vulnerable child can't.

Some new dads struggle to know what their role is or to bond when their baby is very small. That is common and fixable. But being completely disinterested to the point of neglect is not. Honestly, I have read so many variations on "well, yeah, he's always been selfish, but I thought when we had children he'd change" and I despair. I'm not berating you OP, what's done is done. But for any woman reading: if you could honestly describe your partner as lazy and/or selfish and you don't have kids yet, you need to know he will still be selfish and lazy when you have kids and is probably not a good bet as a dad.

No turning the clock back, so as PP say: you can accept that he's effectively another child, do everything, and never leave them alone, or you can go. I know what I'd do. I doubt he'll push for contact and if he gets it, he'll probably just take the baby to his mother's anyway.

amandacarnet · 22/04/2019 16:37

My dad was a neglectful dad. I have a permanent scar because my mum left me with him for a few minutes while she went to the toilet. He did not watch me and did his own thing as always.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 22/04/2019 16:52

amandacarnet 😢
OP - IF that coffee was piping hot, she would have been scarred for life.
Never assume anyone will be bothered to look out/after your baby as well as you do and sadly that definitely includes him.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 22/04/2019 16:52

…. could (not would)

Greatdomestic1 · 22/04/2019 19:42

OP, he sounds like so many men. Lazy, self absorbed and selfish. Says he wants to be a parent, but puts absolutely no effort in whatsoever. Essentially his life will continue as it did before, with you doing everything, as well as facilitating his.

Don't leave it too long to make a change, whatever that is. It will still be the same in 5 years. You will be working, doing school drop offs, picking up from dancing, arranging childcare for holidays, making the packed lunches, organising the outfit for world book day etc.

I know several women who were in similar situations, who eventually split with their partners. Several years of the behaviour you describe killed any love they had stone dead.

I'm sorry, that sounds really bleak. In short, no it is not normal.

Greatdomestic1 · 22/04/2019 20:55

OP, he sounds like so many men. Lazy, self absorbed and selfish. Says he wants to be a parent, but puts absolutely no effort in whatsoever. Essentially his life will continue as it did before, with you doing everything, as well as facilitating his.

Don't leave it too long to make a change, whatever that is. It will still be the same in 5 years. You will be working, doing school drop offs, picking up from dancing, arranging childcare for holidays, making the packed lunches, organising the outfit for world book day etc.

I know several women who were in similar situations, who eventually split with their partners. Several years of the behaviour you describe killed any love they had stone dead.

I'm sorry, that sounds really bleak. In short, no it is not normal.

Greatdomestic1 · 22/04/2019 20:56

Sorry about the double post

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 23/04/2019 06:38

I would agree with the PP that no one will ever care for child like you can. That means you make yourself unpopular sometimes and need to get comfortable with conflict (which I struggled with). Many men struggle with that. My FIL ended up shouting at me because I absolutely put my foot down about certain rules to be followed if they wanted DD overnight. (I’m talking basic stuff like hot drinks and medicines move etc)

I have learnt to put my foot down with DH. I no longer negotiate. I simply say “that is not happening”. (Again it’s basic stuff like car seats being used or not drinking when in charge of the kids)

It’s taken a long time but it gives you confidence and you have to stop caring when people -mainly grown men - sheer at you for being “neurotic”. “My child; my rules”:

My DH did change but he was never as you have described your DH. I’m so sorry you are having to consider this now but you need to consider whether you can ever trust this man with your baby. I realised I couldn’t trust my FIL and was utterly exhausted trying to figure when he would pop in as I couldn’t then leave the house.

Bookworm4 · 23/04/2019 06:51

Definitely do not let him take DD swimming, he hasn't no feelings if responsibility towards her, I would not trust him.

timeisnotaline · 23/04/2019 08:53

Your first responsibility now is to your child. It was naive thinking he would magically step up but now you need to take the Rose coloured glasses off and say you are a neglectful dad. You need to up your game or pack your things.

Original poster
Mummy19891 · 23/04/2019 09:00

@calledyou, oh the conflict, yesterday I had to battle with DP as I dared to get my boobs out to feed DD while out at the park. Not like I just whipped them out, so he got the my boobs my child my choice.

At the moment I can’t even be remotely affectionate with him because of this.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 23/04/2019 09:03

Mine stepped up when he was out of a job and I had to work full time when DD’s were 4 and 5. Now says it was the best year of his life.
We did share chores before that though, I would cook and clean up while he did baths, bottles, stories and bed.
Start by giving him set jobs to do with baby, maybe bath and storey,

Original poster
Mummy19891 · 23/04/2019 11:03

@Weenurse, tried delegating bathtimes to him as she loves her bath.. but he’d rather either miss it entirely or as soon as she is in the bath rinse her down and take her back out. As for if I do the chores and have him get DD ready, unless I’m standing there directing him it won’t get done, I’ll say can you go xyz and come back to nothing having been done! Even reminding him to offer her drinks on a hot day.. literally like having two kids.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 23/04/2019 11:21

By being shit at the things he has been forced to do, it is ensuring that you stop asking him. If you persist with this relationship, then I wouldn't allow him to get away with being shit deliberately. So he does bathtime, and you agree upfront that she stays in the bath for a minimum of 10 minutes or whatever you think.