New partner- feeling taken for granted what shall I do

[Minniemee]

Hi ladies,

Looking for a bit of advice. After coming out of a terrible 3 year relationship where I was cheated on, lied to and treated like rubbish, I did a lot a work on finding myself. 8 weeks ago I met a guy and for the last two weeks we have been 'official'

It was lovely in the beginning- our messages had always been short but frequent but they would always have an aspect of flirting in, him paying my a compliment and he made me feel so special. Now, our messages have dwindled down to just talking like friends. Nothing cute, nothing flirty.

I saw him once this week, he'd made plans with
Me for Friday too but cancelled an hour before saying that he needed to help his dad repair the fence. He did that afternoon bring round flowers to say sorry, but I was going away on a hen the next day for 3 days so he knew he wouldn't see me.

Now I'm away he's made no effort at all to speak to me. I saw he went out last night (we go to the same gym so he was out with mutual friends) but no message to tell me he was going or anything.

I had such a wall up at the start having been hurt so badly in the past and I feel that just when I've let that down and really like him he clearly has just lost interest and is coming across like I'm his mate. It's so different from who he was 6 weeks ago when he was telling me how I was so different to anyone else etc.

What do I do? I'm away until tomorrow evening so I thought no contact at all today and tomorrow from me and then message him when I get home to ask him to pop over so I can tell him how I'm
Feeling? I don't know if this is the best thing though.

I'm so sad as just when he made me happy I feel like history is going to repeat itself again 😔 I've just joined this gym too as a way to make new friends post break up (that's where he contacted me) and I don't want to leave as I've really
Widened my social circle there now, so it means I'll still see him. He does barely talk to me when we are there though.

Please help x

That sounds rubbish but it’s early days when you just meet someone and are working out if either/both of you want it to go further. I wouldn’t say history is going to repeat itself, more that you met someone, it didn’t work out. It’s natural.

I would have a word with him but don’t make it a major deal especially if you have to continue to see him in the gym. Decide what you want though. Don’t leave it up to him as he might keep you dangling.

I think you should walk away. If a guy is into you then he acts interested. You sound like you have been willing this to work. Maybe that has come across or maybe he’s just a prat and you’ve got a lucky escape.

You need to really reframe what this was.

He was never a partner, in any sense of the word. He was barely a boyfriend.

The first thing you should have done is thought it was bullshit when he was saying how you were different to everyone else. No you're not. You're just a normal woman, like other women. He didn't even know you that well and he's saying shite like that? It was a line, a weak one at that. It was designed to make you all melty and it worked. But it shouldn't have. Rather it should have made you give him a rather sardonic head tilt. Cos it's bollocks.

He made you feel special on purpose. It's a tactic to get his end away. But now it's Discard time.

He's not that into you, he never was. He's just good at bullshitting women. He likes the chase. He likes the first week or so. But after that he's not that pushed frankly.

It's the classic Idealise - > Devalue - > Discard cycle.

If I were you I would 100% NOT invite him over. Far too heavy for a trivial thing of 2 weeks "official". I'd simply text "Hi, I feel we're better off as friends after all. Hope you don't mind, but I don't see this really getting far off the starting blocks. Better we realised quickly and all that! Hope when we bump into each other at the gym it's cool? Xx"

I actually think all that sounds fairly normal. He’s still just a guy you’ve been dating for 8 weeks. It’s not always going to be flowers and romance. Things do change as you get comfortable with each other, but maybe he has sensed something has shifted in your feelings. Can you tried texting him flirty things? It’s odd to cancel a date to fix a fence, but if he’s close to his parents and it was urgent, these things happen. Being brought flowers for a re-scheduled date is pretty thoughtful, I think. And I don’t think it’s odd not to be bombarding you with messages on a hen do. It sounds like maybe he is respecting your time with your friends (I don’t really text my dh on a stag do, except about the dc or his travel plans, he should be with his friends not texting me). Have you sent him a message while you’ve been away?

I thought that would be the case really thought at the beginning I might have found someone a bit different. What am I doing wrong?! I'm sat here on my friends hen do with 4 of the girls getting married this year and next and I just keep thinking no one wants to even be in a relationship with me!

I think the relationship has just dwindled. A completely normal thing to happen in a relationship that has just started. You have only been together 2 months. That is nothing. You try it for a while, (especially once the best behaviour period starts to end) you see how it goes and decide if you like it or not.

Next time, don’t put so much into a relationship until it’s at least a year long.

You've only been dating him a few weeks. It can't have been such a big wall if it came down so quickly.

If it isn't working out, never mind, it happens. That's the point of dating, finding out if you're a good match or not.

There's no reason in the world you should stop going to the gym.

It’s only been a few weeks. And he isn’t really even a bf.
Don’t waste time and move on

@mindutopia am I putting too much into it too soon then? If he'd always been like this at the start maybe I wouldn't have been worried- I think that because he was so nice and charming and that's now become us talking normally I'm worried he's lost interest.

Nothing is different when we see each other,
It's really nice- he stayed round Thursday and said he'd missed me, we have banter in person and up until last week he would call me when at work to tell me about his day.

I'm more thinking I wasted 3 years of my time with an a**hole I don't want to waste time with anyone else if it isn't going to work. Therefore do I just take a step back, and see if he comes to me or do I talk to him and tell him what I want out of a relationship and if he doesn't agree it's over?

Clearly new to this dating thing

am I putting too much into it too soon then?

Yes. You don’t know him at all, you only know what he’s wanted to show you in the minimal contact you’ve had. You need to learn some scepticism and keep an open mind rather than latching on to any affection shown because that’s what you want. You’ve only been officially dating a couple of weeks and you’re wondering why no one wants to be in a relationship with you, marry you... you need to take a step back. Feel happy on your own, and don’t put so much importance on the feelings of someone you barely know. You’re setting yourself up for more codependence in the future.

I don’t mean any of this nastily, but I’m not sure you’re quite ready for a relationship

I would just assume it’s over and not make any contact. He isn’t who you thought he was so don’t waste any more time and energy.
You should be having a weekend enjoying time with your friends, not being made to feel miserable because of the behaviour of man you’ve been dating.
I know it’s easier said then done, but try to reframe your thoughts, focus on your friends and not let him bring you down.

I don't think you need to do anything. Carry on seeing each other and see how it goes. If he doesn't make you happy then end it. Cancelling plans once is fine and not messaging you when you're on a hen night is fine too.

I think you are massively over thinking this.

You're on a hen do. He thinks you are doing fun things with your friends and having a laugh. Not messaging you is fine.

You are away so he went out with mates. Again you are out having a whale of a time as far as he is aware so why would he have to message you he is out for the evening?

He apologised for cancelling the date.

He is at the gym to work out.

Dont play games in a relationship. Send him a message saying you are having a great time doing x with your mates and you miss him.

So he cancelled one date, but came round with flowers.

He hasnt contacted you while you are away with friends and went in a night out, himself, but hasnt told you he was?

I am struggling to see the issue.

Have you contacted him while you have been away and he hasnt replied?

All I am thinking is that it's been 8 weeks, cancelling the date wasnt great, but coming round was thoughtful. You are away with friends and he may not want to be seen to be pestering you, while you see with friends. Not mentioning he was going out, seems normal. You are away. After 8 weeks I wouldn't tell a boyfriend every night out I had planned, especially if it didnt impact us seeing eachother, as he was away.

It could be that its dwindled. But it could also be fine. Text him if you have a free 5 minutes, if you havent already. If you haven't he may be thinking you arent interested, because you havent made contact.

I too think you over thinking things on 2 levels. Firstly that he is loosing interest, he could be but bringing round flowers when he couldn’t keep a date is not a symptom of this.

Secondly in terms of where you are in the relationship. Early stages are intense, that’s nature pushing us on. The feelings you have are infatuation. You don’t have deep feelings and you have no real commitment to him. It’s no big deal if it goes nowhere. It just means you aren’t right for each other, right now. Love, commitment and respect grow with time as you get to know each. That will take months and years.

I agree you are not ready for a relationship at least not with someone who won’t treat you with a lot of consideration and patience. But frankly I would be more worried about someone like that because they could be grooming you.

Even if you split up you can avoid each other at the gym. They are big places open all day. But yeah, don’t join a boyfriends gym after 8 weeks. Join a gym not his.

Thanks ladies,

I did message him yesterday a couple of times and he replied back, but it was just quick one liners. I sent him one saying looks like you're out have a nice time, but no reply although it was late.

Would your advice be to end it or just take a step back, not reply if he does respond, then maybe drop him one message tonight and see if he makes an effort?

So confused and I know my anxiety is beginning to play up again.

Cool it. You sound a bit desperate, which is never very attractive. Let him chase you. If he doesn't, you know where you stand.

You are over invested in this man. He’s just a man, not your knight in shining armor/prince. He’s just a man.

You said you’ve just come out of a terrible 3 year relationship, do you need time to work out why you accepted that relationship?

Live your life, if it works with this man great, if he’s not interested you’ll find out soon

After you last post, this is really about you not him. If you want to text him, text him. If you don’t, don’t. Chances are he is in bed or a bit hung over. He will have plans for today like most people. So don’t get miffed if he just sends a quite reply or none till later.

You should be celebrating with you friend instead of obsessing about a text. Forget about it or pretend to forget about it. Ditch your phone for at least part of the day and enjoy yourself.

Then my advice would be to call it off, you are not ready.

Yup, switch off your phone and leave it behind somewhere safe while you really focus on your friends today.

End it he sounds dull and like he's been lovebombing you! Next.

Stop over thinking it
It's been 2 months.
Keep it light and fun.
Just relax and see where it goes.
He's probably missing you like crazy wondering what you're up to...., but doesn't want to come across as all possessive, hence the short replies.

I mean he's seems kind helping his dad mead a fence (maybe it was an emergency )and then brought flowers.

Just relax and let things progress naturally.

Doesn't seem like anything wrong at all to me. Would you have preferred it if he hadn't wanted you to go away on a hen weekend with your friends, or rang and texted you constantly while you were away, or made out that he was concerned that he might not be able to trust you?

He seems quite happy for you to live your own life and see your own friends without any drama or intensity or demands from him. A lot of men aren't like that and want to control your every move.

He seems fine to me.

I think you are really insecure and your self esteem has been hammered, so you're all confused and maybe it's too soon to be dating after going through such a crappy 3 years. It's a big conclusion you're leaping to, thinking nobody's going to love or marry you. I'm sure nothing's further from the case!!
I wonder if you can afford it, a few sessions of therapy might be a really good investment in yourself. You sound like a lovely person with heaps to give and perhaps you need to get some help seeing that.

I will get berated for this but calling him your partner when you're just dating is very over invested. Just dial back in future.

I know I will be told you can call him what you like but it doesn't make it true. Words do matter.