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Original poster

New partner- feeling taken for granted what shall I do

101 replies

Minniemee · 21/04/2019 07:44

Hi ladies,

Looking for a bit of advice. After coming out of a terrible 3 year relationship where I was cheated on, lied to and treated like rubbish, I did a lot a work on finding myself. 8 weeks ago I met a guy and for the last two weeks we have been 'official'

It was lovely in the beginning- our messages had always been short but frequent but they would always have an aspect of flirting in, him paying my a compliment and he made me feel so special. Now, our messages have dwindled down to just talking like friends. Nothing cute, nothing flirty.

I saw him once this week, he'd made plans with
Me for Friday too but cancelled an hour before saying that he needed to help his dad repair the fence. He did that afternoon bring round flowers to say sorry, but I was going away on a hen the next day for 3 days so he knew he wouldn't see me.

Now I'm away he's made no effort at all to speak to me. I saw he went out last night (we go to the same gym so he was out with mutual friends) but no message to tell me he was going or anything.

I had such a wall up at the start having been hurt so badly in the past and I feel that just when I've let that down and really like him he clearly has just lost interest and is coming across like I'm his mate. It's so different from who he was 6 weeks ago when he was telling me how I was so different to anyone else etc.

What do I do? I'm away until tomorrow evening so I thought no contact at all today and tomorrow from me and then message him when I get home to ask him to pop over so I can tell him how I'm
Feeling? I don't know if this is the best thing though.

I'm so sad as just when he made me happy I feel like history is going to repeat itself again 😔 I've just joined this gym too as a way to make new friends post break up (that's where he contacted me) and I don't want to leave as I've really
Widened my social circle there now, so it means I'll still see him. He does barely talk to me when we are there though.

Please help x

OP posts:
Original poster
Minniemee · 22/04/2019 15:15

Seeing as he did it over message whilst I was away, do I ask him to come round tonight so speak to me in person so that we are able to clear the air for us having to see each other at the gym?

OP posts:
CoffeeConnoisseur · 22/04/2019 15:17

God no! Just be breezy and casual next time you see him. You were dating for 8 weeks Confused.

Epona1 · 22/04/2019 15:18

Nope, no point. You’re still to heavily invested in this. It was only a few weeks of dating.

Step back, way back. Change your classes at the gym if you’re that bothered. It won’t be the only class running

ElspethFlashman · 22/04/2019 15:23

Fuck no!

It's not a divorce!

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 22/04/2019 15:29

You dated for 8 weeks.

No need for meeting up to clearing the air.

OP, I mean this kindly, but do you think how over invested you are in the relationship could be the reason he doesnt feel a connection?

You are coming across as very full on for 8 weeks.

category12 · 22/04/2019 16:18

Noooo, you don't ask him over to discuss it.

You really didn't do enough work on "finding yourself" after your last relationship. How long were you single?

Wildrose19 · 22/04/2019 16:23

You need to accept what he has said.

Original poster
Minniemee · 22/04/2019 17:06

@Putthatlampshadeonyourhead my mum picked me up from the airport and the minute I saw her I broke down. I said to her that it's 100% the reason he doesn't feel a connection anymore, because I've been expecting something that's been going for 8 weeks to be the same as a relationship 3 years in. I've suffocated him.

I'm a mess- I'm so cross at myself that I feel so helpless about everything. How can I get better from here? Because I don't think it could get any worse

OP posts:
DaffoDeffo · 22/04/2019 17:17

It will get better. Seriously. Time makes it better. Google anxious connector in a relationship. Also google being obsessed in a relationship. As I say it's a vicious circle you're in - they pull away, you push, they withdraw, you push more.....ask me how I know :).

Just keep talking. I'm more than happy to keep speaking to you as I feel your pain

Robin2323 · 22/04/2019 17:18

I'm so sorry things have turned out the way they have.

BUT this is one of those things you need to chalk down to experience.

Looking back I bet you saw the signs.

But next time you will know.

Just next time , and there will be a next time Just take it slowly and keep it light.

No need to fill dates in on your bad experience so soon.

If they ask just say it didn't work out and it's all in the past.

Time build yourself up.

And personally I d skip the gym till you're filling a bit stronger.

Going tomorrow seems a painful way of 'proving ' a point which probably won't work , unless you have an excellent poker face - I haven't.

Original poster
Minniemee · 22/04/2019 17:27

@DaffoDeffo thank you so much,
Your words on numerous messages on this thread have made me feel so much better. I hate that I'm feeling this way. I just want to be happy.

Crossfit has been the only thing keeping me sane these last three months- if I don't go just so I don't see him then I'm never going to go back as he'll always be there. I've changed class times so I will see him from across the gym just as I'm finishing. I'll practice that poker face

OP posts:
HarryElephante · 22/04/2019 17:30

Seek him out, smile and say 'well, this is a bit awkward'. Then kick him in the nuts.

Honeyroar · 22/04/2019 17:33

You'll be fine, you just need time. You've done nothing wrong, you hold your head up. (nor has he either, he's just been honest, it wasn't quite there). Go to the gym. Do your classes. If you see him, you see him. Just say hello and carry on. No need for poker faces, nobody has done anything wrong, he's just someone that wasn't quite right for you. That's all. They and focus on that, not that you smothered him or anything, because you didn't. It just didn't quite work..

Wheresmyvagina · 22/04/2019 17:41

You're still hurting from your marriage and you invested too much too quickly, and projected something into this relationship that wasn't there.
You'll be ok once you realise he wasn't the guy/it wasn't the relationship you thought it was.

keepyerbrowson · 22/04/2019 17:44

Stop being so down on yourself, OP. And absolutely go to the gym.

There is another possibility, although I'm not sure it's any better? But at least it wouldn't be "your" fault. Maybe he has met someone else on his night out and realised he isn't ready to be official.

DaffoDeffo · 22/04/2019 17:45

I hate it too. It is utterly hideous. But you are better than this, so much better than this. And well done for changing class. Enjoy your cross fit and practise your poker face!

Original poster
Minniemee · 22/04/2019 20:07

Thank you @DaffoDeffo x

OP posts:
DaffoDeffo · 22/04/2019 21:41

Hope you have an ok night. It really does help if you can get absorbed in something else like a tv series or a good book. Going out with friends is great too as you can't obsess even if you want to!

See this incident as your practice run. You now know the warning signs and will try not to get so over invested next time. There's an on line dating support thread in Relationships that's really useful with a load of rules!

And don't blame yourself :) - we all have our own sensitivities (men and women!).

Original poster
Minniemee · 22/04/2019 22:03

@DaffoDeffo thanks for checking in. I'm doing ok after my meltdown earlier- I actually can see that this probably wasn't something that was ever going to be a forever after. It was more a band aid of attention from what I'd missed with my ex when we lived together. I can also see how I pushed so much neediness onto it after reading our conversations back (I've deleted this and his number now). I started off with this bitchy persona of taking it or leaving it which is when he was more interested then it's clear to see that once I fall for him, I'm constantly clinging on to it.

We will see how tomorrow goes when I see him in the gym. I'm my head I want to think I'll smile at him then carry on, and if we do pass each other I'll say no hard feelings and that I'm happy to get on with him. In reality I know it will be fake smile then sobbing in the toilet situation Hmm

I've also downloaded a book that was recommended earlier in the thread for me to read tonight xx

OP posts:
northernstar0412 · 23/04/2019 01:35

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of letting him see me upset and I would paste a smile on my face at the gym. Fake it till you make it.

I'm not being mean, here, OP, but you need to learn to be happy on your own before you can be happy with someone else. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be with them. Love is not a bandage to cover up wounds.

Original poster
Minniemee · 23/04/2019 19:23

I went to the gym.. the whole way there I kept wanting to turn the car round and just go back home but I'm so glad I did it. I kept working out even when I had to do something right next to where I was standing but I didn't look at him- he never said a word.

No crying in the toilet either... yet x

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 23/04/2019 20:15

Well done you're stronger than you think.
I couldn't have pulled that off.

Original poster
Minniemee · 23/04/2019 21:02

@Robin2323 I think it was more his clear body language that he wasn't bothered in the slightest made me think right, then neither will I show you I am!

I have had a little cry though x

OP posts:
DaffoDeffo · 23/04/2019 21:26

That's great that you managed to do it minnie!
I hope you're feeling a bit stronger too

sunnydays78 · 23/04/2019 22:22

Well done you for going. X

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