New partner- feeling taken for granted what shall I do

[Minniemee]

Hi ladies,

Looking for a bit of advice. After coming out of a terrible 3 year relationship where I was cheated on, lied to and treated like rubbish, I did a lot a work on finding myself. 8 weeks ago I met a guy and for the last two weeks we have been 'official'

It was lovely in the beginning- our messages had always been short but frequent but they would always have an aspect of flirting in, him paying my a compliment and he made me feel so special. Now, our messages have dwindled down to just talking like friends. Nothing cute, nothing flirty.

I saw him once this week, he'd made plans with
Me for Friday too but cancelled an hour before saying that he needed to help his dad repair the fence. He did that afternoon bring round flowers to say sorry, but I was going away on a hen the next day for 3 days so he knew he wouldn't see me.

Now I'm away he's made no effort at all to speak to me. I saw he went out last night (we go to the same gym so he was out with mutual friends) but no message to tell me he was going or anything.

I had such a wall up at the start having been hurt so badly in the past and I feel that just when I've let that down and really like him he clearly has just lost interest and is coming across like I'm his mate. It's so different from who he was 6 weeks ago when he was telling me how I was so different to anyone else etc.

What do I do? I'm away until tomorrow evening so I thought no contact at all today and tomorrow from me and then message him when I get home to ask him to pop over so I can tell him how I'm
Feeling? I don't know if this is the best thing though.

I'm so sad as just when he made me happy I feel like history is going to repeat itself again 😔 I've just joined this gym too as a way to make new friends post break up (that's where he contacted me) and I don't want to leave as I've really
Widened my social circle there now, so it means I'll still see him. He does barely talk to me when we are there though.

Please help x

@Mummaofmytribe I'd love to not feel so anxious and be that laid back girl in a relationship.. so what sort of therapy would help?

He knows about the past relationship and how hurt I was over the three years

That's another problem showing up - he shouldn't know about the hurt from a previous relationship at this early stage, because you don't know if you can trust him.

Only trust your deepest self with people who have proven themselves trustworthy. At this stage, it should be all about discovering who you each are in the present, and having fun, whilst doing your 'due diligence' and looking out for dealbreakers.

This article might be useful to you: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-is-a-discovery-phase-where-you/

And thus podcast too:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/podcast-ep-123-the-5-stages-of-relationships/

Sorry he turned out to be a prat. The 'laidback-ness' comes from getting to know someone over time. Don't have expectations but do look at how they treat you, trust their actions more than their words.

CBT is very effective for anxiety
Free in the NHS.

you read about it on line.

Julia Kristina free vids on YouTube are excellent as well.

Offs he is not a prat or any of the things attributed or projected here. He had to cancel a date which he apologised for by bringing over flowers in person. He is in touch with her. Totally fine even if they were dating for 8 years.

The OP is the one with issues. She is the one who is taking her friends for granted right now because she should be focusing on the hen not some bloke she met a few weeks ago.

I know you are upset but you really need to give yourself a good talking to!

Do not rely on a man you have only known for 8 weeks to dictate your mood and ruin what should be a wonderful weekend!!

In my view, he has let you down, because his behaviour is not typical of what it has been so far. But do not chase him any more - have some pride and faith in yourself and you decide if you think he is worth another chance and is going to be good enough for YOU or another idiot who can't see what he's got

As Wiggles says - it really does boil down to actions and not words.

Dating multiple men at once would be helpful to stop you getting overinvested too soon. And this is un MN advice but - keep it a date, just go out in public and have fun, no sex/heavy petting etc. Don't reply to texts right away. Be busy. Treat em mean keep em keen and all that!

3 month rule for sex really helped me. Don't tell them that of course! Be a closed book and open up very slowly.

To cancel an hour before with a crappy excuse. I think you know deep down he's not worth it.

I don't understand some of the replies on here. Why would she assume it's over because he's gone out with his mates while she's on a hen-do?! It's healthy to do separate things.

And why would he need to text to tell you that's what he's doing? It's still quite a new relationship. You're not his mum. He doesn't need your permission to go out for an evening.

I think it's a good sign that he's helping his dad fix the fence. Surely you wouldn't want to date someone who shrugged and ignored his parents when they need a bit of a help? As long as there's not a pattern of cancelling on you, it's fine.

Some guys will say anything to get their leg over - seems like he's one of those guys.

Forget him.

Well he replied to my message from last night of have a good night with 'ruined' and that's all.

So I guess there's my answer right there- nothing to respond back to

I think you are expecting too much here. He likes you, but he doesn't seem bothered if things continue or end as maybe he feels your tension. It's like you want him to fix you, he just wants to see if you get on.

Maybe look at Matthew Hussey videos or Amy Young on YouTube, be open to meeting more people and doing more things. Not for dating, but to build you up first.
PS. You are not in a marriage race!

Offs he is not a prat or any of the things attributed or projected here. He had to cancel a date which he apologised for by bringing over flowers in person. He is in touch with her. Totally fine even if they were dating for 8 years.

Cancelled a date to help fix a fence? Literally no man I know would ever do that if they were genuinely interested in a woman.

I think he’s lost interest, OP. No reflection on you personally, it takes a lot of effort to get a relationship off the ground.

Don’t contact him again.

Stay calm.
Nothing to stress about.
I had a friend whose dad used to become quite demanding about his lawn mower and be straight into his son to sort it for him.

He sounds like a good son.
Maybe the fence needed mending because they had a dog.
Or the neighbours had a dog.
Or they have stray dogs on that street.

He brought flowers - he's a keeper (light hearted. )

Now put Mumsnet away and go have a laugh with your lovely friends - your turn will come , in the mean time have fun and make some memories so you got a shed loads of stuff to talk about on your next date :)

Have you read Mathew husseys ‘get the guy’, its a really good book and helps with situations like this.
You need to meet him with the same effort he’s putting in. Back off and get busy, don’t back off and sit at home torturing yourself with all these thoughts. Make plans with your friends, get busy at the gym or whatever else it is. If he really does like you he’ll come to you. I would absolutely not respond to that message.

I think he has effectively told the OP to back off. He clearly didn’t appreciate her interest in his night out.

It sounds like it is for the best.

@LemonTT thanks for your honesty. It hurts but I won't message him and accept his hints. It's going to take every ounce of my strength on Tuesday to go to the gym class and act completely not fussed knowing he is at the same class.

Ruined to me means he’s got the worst hangover ever. He’s probably in bed nursing a bad head. Enjoy your hen and let him wonder what you’re up to. There is no mystery for him, your handing it all on a plate.

Go have fun, and let him contact you now.

@pudding21 thank you for your advice x

Honestly he's a waste of your time
when you find a lovely, decent guy you'll loom back and cringed that you ever cared about this idiot.

Op. Don't have CBT . You need proper psychotherapy. CBT deals with anxious feelings but proper therapy looks at why you react certain ways in relationship s based on your own family history.

Go and find some real counselling /pyschotherapy.

I've been in the position you are in now and it's horrible. Your anxiety is like a poison that is eating away at your happiness.

To be totally honest I think nobody here can tell what is going on because yourr anxious mind is affecting this so much.

Maybe he isnt that into it - but maybe it's just early days and you are massively overthinkijg every text.

Please cool down and take a little step back. Enjoy the relationship without panicking . He thinks you are having fun with friends - he doesn't know you are analysing every message.

I really know how this feels -its a spiral. Just calm down and see things going over the next few weeks.

I would take "ruined" to mean hungover.

I think you've over analysed things, but I'd just leave it for now and wait and see if he contacts you.

I think you're still carrying baggage from your last LTR and its affecting your reactions now. I think he does sound like he's perhaps cooling off a bit, but your level of upset is more a reaction to the fact that it's knocked you back to the feelings of abandonment you've had since you split with your ex. I've been there. I met a guy I got on great with, it was going great and then he said we should just be friends. I was really upset, too upset. As it happens he was right, 16 years later we are great friends. I took it far too personally at the time (I think it stoked his ego too at the time), but with hindsight I don't think it was much to do with him, more me.

Try and focus on your hen do. If he makes the effort, fair enough, if not let it slide. (I read his ruined comment as "I'm really pissed")

My granny's advice: "Never run after a man or a bus - there is always another one along in a minute".
She is right - just texting like a mate will make you look needy and that is never a good look with men.