New partner- feeling taken for granted what shall I do

[Minniemee]

Hi ladies,

Looking for a bit of advice. After coming out of a terrible 3 year relationship where I was cheated on, lied to and treated like rubbish, I did a lot a work on finding myself. 8 weeks ago I met a guy and for the last two weeks we have been 'official'

It was lovely in the beginning- our messages had always been short but frequent but they would always have an aspect of flirting in, him paying my a compliment and he made me feel so special. Now, our messages have dwindled down to just talking like friends. Nothing cute, nothing flirty.

I saw him once this week, he'd made plans with
Me for Friday too but cancelled an hour before saying that he needed to help his dad repair the fence. He did that afternoon bring round flowers to say sorry, but I was going away on a hen the next day for 3 days so he knew he wouldn't see me.

Now I'm away he's made no effort at all to speak to me. I saw he went out last night (we go to the same gym so he was out with mutual friends) but no message to tell me he was going or anything.

I had such a wall up at the start having been hurt so badly in the past and I feel that just when I've let that down and really like him he clearly has just lost interest and is coming across like I'm his mate. It's so different from who he was 6 weeks ago when he was telling me how I was so different to anyone else etc.

What do I do? I'm away until tomorrow evening so I thought no contact at all today and tomorrow from me and then message him when I get home to ask him to pop over so I can tell him how I'm
Feeling? I don't know if this is the best thing though.

I'm so sad as just when he made me happy I feel like history is going to repeat itself again 😔 I've just joined this gym too as a way to make new friends post break up (that's where he contacted me) and I don't want to leave as I've really
Widened my social circle there now, so it means I'll still see him. He does barely talk to me when we are there though.

Please help x

Well I never heard anything else all day so I assume I have an answer. Thanks for all
Your help ladies. Maybe I haven't healed like I thought

But you're away, with friends. Maybe he has spent the day with family and thought just to leave you in peace with your friends?

I hope you have managed to keep a lid on this for your friends sake, OP.

I've done some work with refuges. One support worker there once told me that many victims of domestic abuse, upon meeting a new partner, immediately tell them all about the old one and all the awful things they did.
She said this is the worst thing you can do! You barely know him and you've told him how to hurt and manipulate you to do what he wants. It is well known that abusers can sniff a vulnerable person out a mile off. They know what to say to draw you in already.
I'm not saying he's abusive or you deserve to be treated badly, or anyone who experiences domestic abuse.

I'm saying don't tell a stranger how to hurt you.

It doesn’t sound like you’re ready. You’ve known the guy 8 weeks and you’ve placed so much expectation onto the relationship. This isn’t a do over of your last relationship, where you do things different to get another outcome because he isn’t your Ex.

He doesn’t know you well enough to understand your expectations, especially in the context of your abusive relationship, if you don’t tell him if you don’t communicate them. I personally wouldn’t expect or necessarily want, to be contacted by a guy I’d know 8 weeks if I was away. It doesn’t make me strange or cold, it just makes me, me.

Don’t play games, if you want to be heard, you first have to speak.

I messaged him last night after not hearing all day just saying 'miss you, hope you had a great weekend'. And I had no reply- so I tried putting myself out there. It's so hard when things were so good at the beginning to understand why he's just gone off me like that. I can't help but feel I've lost even more of my self confidence now.

minniemee, he hasn't gone off you. He is just not as invested in this as you are

I think you've just idealised this relationship. You've painted it as something in your head that it isn't.

All you have done is be exclusive for 2 weeks.

There is a great article about men who are 'avoiders' and women who are 'anxious' in relationships. It sounds to me like you've attracted an avoider. The harder you push, the more you will push him away. He is going to wind up your anxiety as he doesn't 'need' this in the way that you do so he isn't as responsive on text, he's unreliable with dates etc. He's not making you the priority you're making him - that's making your anxiety rise, you push to get a response from him, this drives him further away, your anxiety goes up more!

It is draining on your self confidence but for your own sanity, you need to walk away now! And try and have a think as to why you react this way - you do need to try and not over invest so soon. I think it's very very hard, we've all done it, but you have to actively have a lot of other things going on (friends, gym etc. etc. !)

OP people get dumped all the time even if they are intelligent, witty, generous, kind, attractive and funny. We get with people because we are are superficially attracted to something and then spend time getting to know them. That’s when we find things just don’t click and it shouldn’t go on. At least not for life.

Personally I think the first 6-8 weeks can only tell you whether you should carry on dating. At 6-8 months you decide if this is a relationship to invest in, because you know it’s potentially about real love and commitment. At 6-8 years you may confidently say you made the right decision and found a soul mate.

A good relationship will make you calm not anxious and you won’t be fretting about when and if to text. He has done you a favour because you are not in the right place for a relationship. Learn to be on your own and to enjoy life as it is not what it might be.

He replied back to the message with

'I'm sorry to say this but I don't think I can do this. I just don't feel a connection to you anymore.'

At least my hunch was right.

Oh well. Sorry op.

Sorry to hear it didn't work out. At least he had the decency to tell you.

Definitely get into some regular counselling. It would help you a lot.

Well at least you know now and also your instinct that things weren’t right is a good thing.

*@Minniemee his reply 'I'm sorry to say this but I don't think I can do this. I just don't feel a connection to you anymore.' * is the best response you could have got. You are in the clear. It's nothing you did. He was a bullshitter, stringing you along.
connection FFS after 8 weeks, BS more like.

You may need to work on yourself to weed out the BS's and wasters.

I would go and get some counselling. I'm not blaming you for this but you are clearly quite anxious, with very very good reason given your history.

Being treated badly in a relationship destroys your self confidence, it just eats it away. And the problem is all the hopes come out so quickly when you start dating again. So many men (and women for that matter) just muck around with dating and will tell you what you want to hear early on just to lure you in and it's really hard to spot it - often you can't - but you have to learn to hold yourself till you're sure they are real.

Dating is an absolute mind fuck but it is even worse when you've come out of an abusive relationship. Be kind to yourself and feel relieved that you spotted it! But also know that investing so early isn't wise for the next time.

I feel awful

sorry you feel dreadful :(

it's happened very quickly so just count your chickens that it wasn't further down the line but it is painful, whenever it is

you are well out of it though - he didn't sound right for you!

have you got something to do to distract you today?

Sorry op.

I don't honestly think you were ready to date.

Next time, don't overinvest so quickly.

Don't tell about your abusive relationship so soon. It's too heavy for early on, and it creates a false sense of intimacy with someone you can't know enough to trust. The only thing you attract with blood in the water is sharks.

I can relate. This was me a few years back. My mental health wasn't the best and my anxiety was through the roof (I still have to take medication now) also struggling with eating problems.
I had a terrible relationship I was totally invested in and he wasn't and took advantage of my vulnerability. Thank God your guy has stopped it now. It's an ego brusing but nothing more.
Try and step back. Do you actually like this guy? And would you really want a relationship with him? For him to be apart of your family/friends? Prob not, it's because you're clinging on to an idea and you don't want to be on your own.
You don't necessarily need therapy, I think sometimes it makes applies the situation more. It becomes a focus and you're going to give it too much importance.
I took a two year break from dating. Got my health /head sorted and didn't even consider a relationship /dating. In that time my anxiety decreased and I worked out what I wanted and needed in a man/relationship. In the end I didn't even want a relationship!

How do I go to the gym tomorrow knowing that he's going to be there?

I don't want to leave the gym as I joined it to widen my social circle and it's worked wonders for my confidence, and I've got some good friends there now. It's a crossfit gym so they have scheduled classes each day, meaning I will see him even if it's just briefly because the class time crosses over. It's also extremely social with many social events organised.

I know all I'm going to want to do is cry when I see him and/or throw up, but I know I need to act like it hasn't affected me at all right?

Any tips for how to work at getting over it when you will still see the person?

@DaffoDeffo I'm travelling back from my friends hen today- travelling back on my own as I've got work tomorrow so pretty much all day on my own with just my thoughts for company!

Set yourself some goals to achieve and talk to your friends there. Concentrate on them.

Remind yourself, you've only been seeing him a few weeks, he wasn't the love of your life, he's just a bloke, like any other bloke, just someone it didn't work out with.

Oh yes that will hurt. You know what you do? You look absolutely fabulous like it means nothing at all :). You breeze in effortlessly, do the class and then go and sob in the loo!

Talk to yourself in the mirror beforehand. Tell yourself you're strong and you can handle anything and he's a commitment phobe who lured you in and doesn't deserve you. Keep repeating to yourself till you're strong enough to walk out there! Hold your head high then come on here and tell us all about it!

Being alone with your own thoughts is shit. Can you go for a nice walk or binge watch some Netflix rubbish?

How long were guy single before meeting this guy?

I don’t think you’re in the right frame of mind for dating right now.

Concentrate on what you originally intended when joining the gym - widening your circle of friends, develop some hobbies, spend some time alone getting your head sorted rather than looking for the next relationship.

How do I go to the gym tomorrow knowing that he's going to be there?

You just do. Because you’re a grown up, and the pros of training there outweigh the cons of seeing him.

@DaffoDeffo 'do the class and then go and sob in the loo' - I feel like you know me so well!

Are you able to swap class days / time slots?

Be kind to yourself, it sucks I know but you’ll be fine. Keep your chin held high and don’t let him see that’s it’s got to you if your paths do cross.