My boyfriend is jealous of my friends

[Hgxo]

So I have been with my bf for nearly a year, have generally got on very well as we have a connection and both have the same sense of humour.
Around one month into the relationship he began to show signs of jealousy towards my female friends, as he said they were not good for me. He has stopped me seeing my friends on several occasions and reacted badly if I did, would not talk to me for a while. I don’t understand the issues he has with my friends as I never get into trouble, and if I were to meet them would just be at eachothers house. Not sure what to do about it all as I feel as though he is going to leave me due to me having friends. He said he wants me to himself but I need other women to talk to about girly things. Really want our relationship to work as I genuinely love him. Any advice on how to deal with this situation and resolve arguments between us? He is a lovely genuine man he just has trust issues with my friends.

I had an ex like that. He said 'I don't need anyone apart from you, why do you need other people apart from me?'

I dumped him shortly afterwards.

I’m not sure I think he just doesn’t want me to do anything that means I would leave him

I knew a girl like that once. Her boyfriend started with isolating her from her friends, then from her family, so he could have her to himself and be absolutely sure nobody could influence her to leave him. But because the "trust issues" were inside himself, and (of course) nothing to do with the girl's friends or family, that was never going to be enough. In the end he made absolutely sure she would never leave him. She died at the age of 20, at the hands of the man who wanted her all to himself.

My mum met my dad at 18.

He is a violent alcoholic who has battered her on numerous occasions, also been abusive to me and my siblings. 50 years later she regrets it so very much and feels she has wasted her life. My siblings and I all have "baggage" as a result.

This is how it started - he didn't like her even going for a coffee with her friends or even her sisters.

Her sisters tried to warn her she wouldn't listen. He first hospitalised her just after I was born. This was less than 5 years after they met.

Abusers don't start with hitting. They start by isolating, controlling, emotional blackmail, love bombing...

PLEASE don't be trapped by this messed up kid.

It's highly likely you will find out that his dad/step dad abuses his mum, he's copying what he sees at home.

He needs help with that - but NOT from you, from professionals with the tools and distance to deal with it.

You need to protect yourself. If you were my dd I'd be watching you very carefully for his escalating to violence.

Your mum will be too scared to be as blunt with you as we are as she will fear pushing you further towards him and away from her protection.

If she has ANY idea about any of this she will be worried sick! And for good reason too.

You deserve SO MUCH Better. At 16 your life should be about fun, school, friends, exploring, becoming an adult freely... Not being controlled and manipulated.

OP why do you even think this is a normal way to behave? Does your Dad treat your Mum like this?

My Dad was always a little bit controlling and jealous with my Mum: he was really besotted with her and though he never actually stopped her from doing stuff, or seeing friends, he really wasn’t happy when she did.

My sister and I grew up thinking that’s how a man behaved if he loved you. It took me quite a while with my DH to realise this wasn’t the case, that you could love someone but happily trust and share them.

My sister wasn’t so lucky and married a guy who was initially like my Dad, but gradually moved on the being really controlling and then violent.

You are really young. It’s a good time for you to learn these lessons.

@BertrandRussell - Yes, I only noticed that now. Apologies, OP.

Hi OP
I think it’s amazing you’re on here asking much older women about this. It wouldn’t be easy for you to do this in real life.

If you’re both 16 neither of you us an established adult persona to rely on- you’re both informing each other’s. Women are conditioned to gloss over thinga nd maybe put up with them for appearances and to fit in. One thing you learn as you get older is that this is rubbish.but don’t beat yourself up about that because there sure as hell are women twice your age makingmuch bigger mistakes.

Show yourself how much of a woman you are and claim your womanhood by prioritising your own wellbeing here. As someone else said ‘chicks before dicks’ - really - some of those friends will still be in your life in twenty years.

Good luck

I left my boyfriend last weekend after 4 years together. Please get out of this relationship. This is how it started for me, moodiness, sulking etc if I saw my friends. In the end it was easier not to see them which is obviously what he wanted. Now, 4 years on he was trying to come between me and my daughters (age 19 and 22). He got angry when I ever did anything on my own with them and has more recently accused me of having a mid life crisis because I have decided to go vegetarian! I couldn't do anything to make myself healthier or to take care of myself without sarcastic comments. I just couldn't cope anymore and after a huge row I've told him it's over. Please don't do what I did and waste years of your life on this person. They are very very good at making you feel like a princess when you are doing as they want but that will soon change when you don't. This is the tactic they use to get their way as you become 'addicted' to their lovely side, and crave to get it back so jump through hoops to see that side of them again. It's called manipulation- I can see it so clearly now and just hate to see someone else falling into the same trap. Anyone who loves you wishes for you to have a full life which makes you happy. There people don't care if you're happy so long as they are getting what they want. I'm now left with no friends, no hobbies or interests and a slightly damaged relationship with my children, I've got to start again and it's going to be hard but it's better than going back to him. Good luck xx

Huge 🛑

Run

Run

Run!!!

It sounds absolutely bonkers that someone would have a problem with someone else having friends? Why did you choose this person in the first place?

Update, I split up with him and I am doing v well much happier now thank you all for the advice X

Oh well done, excellent move.

Good luck for the future!

Any advice on how to deal with this situation and resolve arguments between us?

Break up with him.
This isn’t normal behaviour and this will just continue to get worse.

If he is jealous he needs to work on his insecurities rather than make you alter your behaviour to avoid “activating his jealousy”

Well done, OP, and I hope you demonstrate the same maturity in all of your future relationships.

Should he promise to change his ways, be more considerate of your needs etc, please don't be fooled - leopards don't change their spots and, even at your young age, life is far too short to revisit unsatisfactory relationships in the hope that there'll be a better outcome.

In view of what has befallen a number of other young women who've broken up with controlling boyfriends, please exercise extreme caution and don't ever put yourself in a position where you'll be alone with him.

🤦‍♀️ Missed the update

This is great news - well done

I lived with someone like this, it didn’t end well, — he started making things up basically so I never went anywhere without him, I think he knew I had doubts about him and made it as awkward as he could for me to be able to end it. I realised there was a problem when he insisted always on picking me up and one day literally had me barricaded in a room when I said I didnt want to get married. In the end I literally ran away!!

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!

You ran. Missed the update. Goof stuff op! Your future self will thank you. Avoid this type going forward!

Excellent news!

Without a doubt you have done the right thing. I put up with this for 4 years it NEVER gets better, he always wanted more and more. I have t regretted finishing it for a moment and neither will you. Well done! X

I was in a relationship with this.

Wouldn't let me see or speak to friends, including people he knew. Would get angry and rude if I was receiving or sending messages with my family. Then shot himself in the foot a bit by letting this side of him out on an OU forum for one of my uni modules which he was studying too, because the other students were talking about making us a group on facebook and I wasn't allowed on social media.

It was very hard because I felt I genuinely loved him, but I left.

Are you living with him? If you're not yet, then don't.
Don't have children with him either.

Frankly, your best bt is to dump him bow before he escalates. He'll go from sulking wh you see people to shouting and threatening and then it'll get to hitting.

Run now before you get hopelessly entangled financially and in every other way.

Update, I split up with him and I am doing v well much happier now thank you all for the advice X

well done OP

Fantastic! X