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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend is jealous of my friends

123 replies

Hgxo · 20/04/2019 21:27

So I have been with my bf for nearly a year, have generally got on very well as we have a connection and both have the same sense of humour.
Around one month into the relationship he began to show signs of jealousy towards my female friends, as he said they were not good for me. He has stopped me seeing my friends on several occasions and reacted badly if I did, would not talk to me for a while. I don’t understand the issues he has with my friends as I never get into trouble, and if I were to meet them would just be at eachothers house. Not sure what to do about it all as I feel as though he is going to leave me due to me having friends. He said he wants me to himself but I need other women to talk to about girly things. Really want our relationship to work as I genuinely love him. Any advice on how to deal with this situation and resolve arguments between us? He is a lovely genuine man he just has trust issues with my friends.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 21/04/2019 10:03

thats classic stage one of the abusers script. Distance you from your support network,

Anyone that tries to stop you having normal friendships is really bad for you.

What is he like with your family. Do you work?

teddybear2020 · 21/04/2019 10:07

Yes my friends know about it, I didn't think it was fair for me not to tell them as I am very close with them. I don't work as I am at the end of my school time and going to work after that

gamerchick · 21/04/2019 10:10

You're still at school?

teddybear2020 · 21/04/2019 10:12

@gamerchick
Yes am 16

RumCustard · 21/04/2019 10:16

I read the first line and that was enough. Get rid of this controlling and manipulative excuse NOW. Look at coercive control and gas lighting. Get the hell out of there and NEVER EVER EVER go back to him even if he says he will change. He will never ever change. Please. Don't do this to yourself.

Why does he have trust issues? That's for him to deal with. Probably he has behaved like a knob so many times and his ex girlfriend's friends have said what I believe we are all saying.

He is a wrongun.

CinnabarRed · 21/04/2019 10:16

And how old is your boyfriend?

teddybear2020 · 21/04/2019 10:18

I don't know why he has trust issues:/ and he's 16 as well

Branleuse · 21/04/2019 10:21

you need to dump him. Friends are much more important than this dickhead. Concentrate on your studies and your mates. If you hang around with this guy and allow him to dictate to you, then youll regret it. Blokes like this are not good boyfriends. Its actually abusive

Moomoomoomoomoo · 21/04/2019 10:23

Your 16, you don’t need this. Dump and move on. You’re better than this.

His behaviour is not ok.

KittyInTheCradle · 21/04/2019 10:29

Sorry, no. He's not lovely. He's controlling. A lot of controlling people are charming or funny.

But this guy is trying to cut you off from friends (i.e. the only other people who you will be able to talk to about your feelings, or tell you if he's being unreasonable).

A good boyfriend would want you to have a happy and fulfilling life. Which obviously includes having friends.

The fact he's blaming his 'trust issues' is bad too, because that's emotional blackmail.

Follow your instincts on this one and as those female friends for advice and support.

pinkyredrose · 21/04/2019 10:33

OP have you namechanged? How old is your boyfriend and where did you meet?

teddybear2020 · 21/04/2019 10:36

@pinkyredrose
Yea I did just because was my initials thought I should change. He's 16 and we met at school

SeeeeMoreStars · 21/04/2019 10:39

Had to jump in seeing your age. Good thing you are questioning his behaviour at your age. I was 21 when I got into an abusive relationship. He was 27. They rarely change. He isolated me. I got out with the help of friends and family but was a shell of myself. Luckily people saw what was going on and helped me when I finally reached out. Don't be me. You are so young. Boyfriends at your age should be about fun. Leave him. You have so much to learn about love. This isn't it.

category12 · 21/04/2019 10:41

Hi op, part of having relationships is making sure you have good boundaries. It's not OK for him to try to stop you having friends, that's a boundary you need to defend - you will go out, you will see your friends, he doesn't get to decide who you see or talk to. It's bad for him as well to think he gets to control you - it's a dark path.

Moomoomoomoomoo · 21/04/2019 10:42

At your age your friends should be the best and most important thing in your life. Not some boy who thinks he gets to tell you, you can’t see them.

I would worry if you were my daughter that you were in a controlling relationship. I got into a long term relationship aged 16-23. He had no ambition, didn’t like me going out really.

I remember waiting for him to come home from work (he only worked part time) so we could go to a friends birthday party and he refused to go, so I didn’t go. Now I think, WTF was I thinking?? Should have told him to go fuck himself and gone anyway. Thankfully we broke up not too long after, but it was more complicated as we lived together. What I should have done was broken up with him before I even went to uni.

He’s a little shit, you don’t need it. You’re better than this. Concentrate on your mates, a boyfriend may be a wonderful bonus in your life, he isn’t it.

Jiggles101 · 21/04/2019 10:45

You're 16?! Chicks before dick honey, always!

AloneLonelyLoner · 21/04/2019 10:47

I'm just adding to the chorus here, but I know you won't listen to it til you're ready. The fact is maybe you are ready to listen because you've already flagged it.
Once he has isolated you, which is part one of their (ever so obvious and predictable) process, he'll control all other parts of your life and become emotionally and maybe physically violent. I'm not saying that for effect. I'd bet my life on it.
Reread all of these posts. These are from people who have been on the receiving end of this bullshit. We aren't idiots. We were blinded by love and optimism. Don't be. Cut him off now. Tell him you want to break up and he'll tell you he'll change. Believe this bullshit at your peril!!!
Get rid now!

teddybear2020 · 21/04/2019 11:17

Thank you all for the advice, really means a lot c

PlinkPlink · 21/04/2019 11:29

Genuine love in a relationship involves letting the other person grow in ways outside of the relationship.

It should be a happy thing to see your significant other with other people, cultivating friendships and having fun.

This does not sound like the situation. PP's are right - this is the number one step in the abusers handbook so I would be extremely careful.

Nip this in the bud now. Make it very clear that you are never going to sever ties with your friends. You are never going to stop seeing them and if he cannot cope with that, then the relationship should come to an end and he should leave.
It may be hard because you love him, but I can guarantee that he doesn't love you if he is trying to isolate you. Love doesn't work that way.

pinkyredrose · 21/04/2019 11:33

He's 16! Then he's not a man, he's a stupid little boy. You can do far far better than being tied to this insecure immature twat.

differentnameforthis · 21/04/2019 11:47

@Noimaginationxyzz I quote the part of your post that I didn't think was helpful, I didn't mean to generalise about your entire post so that's on me. Apologies.

I stand by what I said though. The part I quoted wasn't helpful because people often don't see the abuse until it is too late. In this case, op is 16 so I can totally understand why she was conflicted. She doesn't have the experience to know this is abusive.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 21/04/2019 12:42

Teddybear you posted on here because you Know this is very wrong behaviour.

This won't get any better but I guarantee it will get a lot worse and he won't allow you to breathe in the end.

You cannot cure him and he will make it very difficult for you to get rid of him.

Stick to your guns!

Quartz2208 · 21/04/2019 14:00

He is a highly insecure boy who is well on the way to being a controlling and abusive man
Relationships are not like this nothing here is normal get out while you can

AFistfulofDolores1 · 21/04/2019 18:45

Oh dear. OP is an appeaser.

BertrandRussell · 21/04/2019 19:04

“Oh dear. OP is an appeaser.”

The OP is 16. Give her a break.