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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend is jealous of my friends

123 replies

Hgxo · 20/04/2019 21:27

So I have been with my bf for nearly a year, have generally got on very well as we have a connection and both have the same sense of humour.
Around one month into the relationship he began to show signs of jealousy towards my female friends, as he said they were not good for me. He has stopped me seeing my friends on several occasions and reacted badly if I did, would not talk to me for a while. I don’t understand the issues he has with my friends as I never get into trouble, and if I were to meet them would just be at eachothers house. Not sure what to do about it all as I feel as though he is going to leave me due to me having friends. He said he wants me to himself but I need other women to talk to about girly things. Really want our relationship to work as I genuinely love him. Any advice on how to deal with this situation and resolve arguments between us? He is a lovely genuine man he just has trust issues with my friends.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 20/04/2019 22:25

He is a lovely genuine man he just has trust issues with my friends.

No. He doesn't have 'trust issues'. What is happening is that he is fucked up inside, damaged and broken. He is broken beyond repair and therefore he is deadly dangerous. In order to make himself feel better about his life he needs to control your access to anything other than him and his version of reality.

He NEEDS you to reinforce his fucked up, mad view of himself. He needs you to plaster over the gaping hole in his soul which he is aware of and which he cannot ever face. He will only be able to do this by making you agree with his world-view. Therefore he must isolate you and have you constantly reassuring him that he is lovely and loveable. He needs you to do this full-time to the exclusion of any wishes or desires of your own. You are already starting to do that, aren't you? Posting here asking how you can improve things?

YOU as a person do not exist to him. Your needs, your friendships, all the things that are important to you as a person do not matter to him at all. Yes, he values and even sort of loves you but only as a function - and that function is to make him feel better about himself. When you fulfill that function he will be lovely to you. Actually he will be extremely lovely to you - google 'love-bombing'. When you do not fulfill that function he will punish you by withholding affection until you toe the line again. Eventually he will become violent if you defy his wishes because you exist only to serve his neurosis. Already you are being trained, already you are anxious that he will be upset, that he will leave you and you are starting to walk on eggshells. You are actually wondering how to not see your friends. Can you not see how fucked up and wrong it is that you are even thinking about this?

If a a person loves you, really loves you, then they will be happy for you when you are happy. A real partner would encourage and support your friendships (and all your hopes and ambitions) because he would understand that they are important to you and he would wish you well. He would have your back and support you.

This man can never do that because he is so damaged. If you want to have a life where you can still recognise yourself, where you will have love and fun and support from a partner, then you need to run away from this man as fast as you can.

Itsallpointless · 20/04/2019 22:29

One way ticket to DumpsvilleHmm

Dragongirl10 · 20/04/2019 22:30

OP there is no good outcome with him...run for the hills...IT IS NOT YOU OR YOUR FRIENDS

Bumshkawahwah · 20/04/2019 22:42

It’s not that he doesn’t trust your friends. He just wants to isolate you. Who your friends are, how and where you spend time with him is not remotely his business. It is NOT normal behaviorist to sulk because you’ve been out with friends.

As others have said, this is a huge red flag. I’l be willing to bet this is just the first step in controlling you. Or there may be other signs already that he’s abusive that you’ve been ignoring because he’s ‘lovely’.

Abusive people don’t wade right in there and show their hand straight away. It all will come out bit by bit.

Grumpelstilskin · 20/04/2019 22:46

He is an A-grade abusive shitgibbon. This is literally one of the most common and obvious sign of an abuser. Start going out wiht your friends more and build up your social life and dump him!

Sunonthepatio · 20/04/2019 22:49

Bin Bin Bin Bin Bin Bin. This is classic abuse. He wants to isolate you.

Bittern11 · 20/04/2019 22:51

Wants you to himself? Why?

He should have your best interest at heart and want you to be happy and have friends and a social like outside him. He’s not.

What does this say about him?

Run. Abusive fucker. It will only get worse.

pilates · 20/04/2019 22:52

a big 🚩

Cambionome · 20/04/2019 22:59

Dump. Then run as fast as you can.

AwwNooo · 20/04/2019 23:04

Yes, it's a bit red flag, controlling and isolating you, leave asap.

Sashkin · 20/04/2019 23:12

He said he wants me to himself

And do you want that? No contact with anyone else but him, purely there to service his wants with nothing for yourself? No friends, no hobbies, no family, just doing whatever he wants whenever he tells you to?

Doesn’t sound like a relationship I’d choose.

losingfaith · 20/04/2019 23:12

His attitude isn't normal. If he love you he wouldn't want to restrict and control you.

Ruru8thestars · 20/04/2019 23:13

Get rid ASAP

Noimaginationxyzz · 20/04/2019 23:14

I found your post quite unsettling. It's 2019 and you would tolerate a man you've known for less than a year choosing who you can see? Your life is yours to lead how you choose, happily, with your friends, doing what you enjoy, and if you choose to add to that spending time with a man, great. It's frightening that any of your post makes sense to you in your. Try and step back and think of your friends saying this to you. Wouldn't it make you sad?

LadyGAgain · 20/04/2019 23:18

Run! Run! For the hills! And fast. This has Red flags and long term un happiness written all over it.

DameSquashalot · 20/04/2019 23:23

I echo what everyone else has said. Get rid. In a nutshell my friend's ex started off criticising all her friends, followed with statements along the lines of"we only need eachother", ended with mental and physical abuse. Don't be fooled.

Tucobenedicto · 20/04/2019 23:30

Don't you hate when the op posts a thread then doesn't reply to everyone's opinions....

AWishForWingsThatWork · 20/04/2019 23:43

It sound like you are in an abusive, controlling relationship.

Please call women's aid if you need help leaving the relationship.

RamblinRosie · 20/04/2019 23:58

OMG

DH has been known to nag me to see friends.

Last year we both went to my old university city to meet up with my old university friends, one of my best friends had rented a house for a week, she suggested we stayed, along with a couple of other friends. DH said he couldn’t, work commitments, but insisted that I did and that he’d drive back to pick me up at the end of the week.

He expects me to have my own social life. If I tell him I’m going out, he’ll probably ask where, but that’s just curiosity, I’ll tell him when to expect me back, so he doesn’t worry. That’s the way things should work.

The words he has stopped me are chilling, DH has NEVER tried to stop me from doing anything .... other than when he stopped me crossing the road when he’d seen a speeding car.

Your P is a nasty, controlling , and a potentially dangerous, arsehole.

You’re not married, no children, so run, run, run.

You cannot fix this.

Lunde · 21/04/2019 01:21

He is controlling and trying to isolate you from supportive relationships - and already succeeding by the sound of it

Run!

You are in an abusive relationship!

Bubs101 · 21/04/2019 01:49

They're all lovely genuine men at the start OP, that's how they get you to fall for them, but that's not the real them. Once they start feeling more comfortable around you they start testing boundaries about what you will and won't put up with, a small comment about what your wearing, making you feel guilty for going out with friends etc is always how it starts, and before you know it your a couple of years deep cut off from your support system and having to ask his permission for every little thing in your life. Be very very careful.

Original poster
Hgxo · 21/04/2019 07:25

I’m not sure I think he just doesn’t want me to do anything that means I would leave him

OP posts:
Original poster
Hgxo · 21/04/2019 07:25

Not sure how I individually reply but thank you for all the messages

OP posts:
Fonduefrolics · 21/04/2019 07:31

Stop seeing your friends and next it will be stop seeing your family.

Stop seeing your family and next it will be stop going to work.

Stop going to work and next it will be stop using the internet.

And so on and so on.

JenniferJareau · 21/04/2019 07:32

He is a lovely genuine man

No, he really isn't.