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Original poster

i have tried my best to see this from dp's POV,or to just not care,but i can't change how i feel.

83 replies

divastrop · 14/07/2007 23:06

have posted on this subject a few times.

dp and i keep arguing about the same thing over and over,ie his chatting to women on online games.

i have always hated computer games for various reasons,but after being with dp for a while i realised he is really into them and i accepted it,and when we moved in together and it became clear that his playing computer games doesnt stop him playing with the kids,doing stuff around the house etc,i didnt let it bother me.

however,when he started playing online games i became concerned because of the 'chat' element,as i dont think that its right to chat online to members of the opposite sex when you are in a relationship.

dp explained that alot of the time he doesnt know what gender the person is in rl,which is fair enough.however,for a while at the end of last year,when i was pregnant,he was chatting to a woman nearly every day,and i saw some of the things she said to him like 'i'm your friend,arent i?'which to me is flirting.when i asked dp about this woman though,he would get annoyed with me and say they only ever chatted about the game and he didnt tell anybody anything personal like his name etc.
he just said i was being paranoid,and i tried to put it out of my mind.

now,though,our baby is 4 months old and this issue still gets to me.dp has said that he doesnt flirt and if anybody flirted with him he wouldnt chat to them again.but i,personally,would see him chatting regularly to a particular woman as cheating.it doesnt matter what they are chatting about,it would be the fact that he had formed an online relationship with a woman that bothered me.dp thinks this is unreasonable and that it wouldnt be cheating.

i have tried so hard not to care,but i often find myself looking over his shoulder to 'check' who he is talking to,and then he gets pissed off saying that i dont trust him.but how can i trust him when we see things so differently?

i dont know if this issue will ever be resolved,and i'm scared it will be the end of us

OP posts:
Dabbles · 14/07/2007 23:14

what game? what context? what dosrt of chats?

u could chagne settigns in messenger so u can auto save a transcript of his conversations. and also if the extreme u acan install keyloggers to see what he is saying. that way u woudl knwo if he is being truthful...

HelenLoveJoyOfSpringfield · 14/07/2007 23:19

OTOH you could perhaps try trusting him?

Why do you think he would want to flirt with other women?

I remember one night I had a little to drink & was chatting to my mate on msn. Dh had only just got his new laptop & I give her his msn addy... she sent him a msg asking him to add her.... & he clicked no!

she did it 3 times! On the 4th time I had to go to the other room & tell him to add her!! LOL

I wouldn't count chatting to someone online as cheating I don't think. I do think he is being shitty not considering your insecurities though.

harpsichordcuddler · 14/07/2007 23:19

divastrop tbh I think you are getting this out of perspective.
i think to say that forming a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is "cheating" and that it isn't right to chat online with members of the opposite sex when you are in a relationship - I don't think that makes much sense from any logical point of view.
this is his hobby, his interest. either you trust him or you don't. but to ban him from speaking to other women is just way over the top.
for example, I sing in choirs for my hobby, and in the course of doing so I meet and form friendships with other men. if my dh tried to stop me from doing this I would be appalled and suffocated and frankly very insulted

EscapeFrom · 14/07/2007 23:20

Would you see him chatting to someone at work as cheating?

Sorry, I think you are being very unreasonable. If you feel he is paying more attention to the computer than you, fair enough, but these online games aere very absorbing, and he really will be just playing the game. You can't stop him having friends, it just isn't fair.

Original poster
divastrop · 14/07/2007 23:22

he has his own pc,and he would know if i snooped,and i dont want to do that as i would be betraying his trust.there have been times when he's showed me the chat log if ive asked about who he's been chatting to.he has told me his passwords and stuff,its not like he's trying to hide anything from me.

its a game called 'conquer online',usual rpg type thingy.

OP posts:
harpsichordcuddler · 14/07/2007 23:24

god no, don't snoop. that would be horrible

mytwopenceworth · 14/07/2007 23:24

From what you have said, it sounds like you have a problem with jealousy.

I too have the green eyed monster - my dh could tell you some tales from a few years ago!

What he is doing, does not sound to me like cheating.

However, it upsets you. This he should care about.

But. We do not live alone in this world. It is unreasonable to expect him to have no contact at all with any woman but you. People need people. Even people in a relationship need other people. - I don't mean affairs btw, just to be clear! I mean friendship, chatting, mates, to see the world outside your front door!

But if you are like me, it is scary. Do you fear he will meet someone and leave you? I used to. It came from how I felt about myself - not feeling good enough.

It is sad but what you fear the most - him leaving - may come about because of this jealousy and checking.

I think the first thing to do is to look at yourself and really search for WHY you feel this way. Are you actually seeing danger signs of cheating? Are you feeling low, or have low self esteem? Has he ever given you a REAL reason not to trust?

I think that Relate might be a good move for you.

HelenLoveJoyOfSpringfield · 14/07/2007 23:25

I think you're being very paranoid then.

Surely he is entitled to a hobby?

It's not as if he's joined forums with the intention of chatting to ladies?

Some women on here would tell you to be glad your hubby is sat at home engrossed in a game, rather than trawling the night clubs looking for his next affair!

Original poster
divastrop · 14/07/2007 23:26

i am not stopping him from having friends.i ould not have a relationship with a man who had heterosexual female friends,and dp has known this from the start.

i wouldnt see him chatting to a woman at work cheating,as if you have a job you have to go to work and interact with your collegues.

OP posts:
EscapeFrom · 14/07/2007 23:26

You need to involve yourself more deeply in something else I think. It is not healthy to be so obsessed with what he is doing if he has given you no reason to believe he is cheating on you.

And I am afraid that talking to members of the opposite sex isn't cheating, and he's well within his rights to get cross at your accusations.

I do feel for you, I really do, I know what it is like to be obsessive about something, and always have suspicion in your mind, but you have to remember this.

YOur Feelings are not necessarily reason enough for him to closet himself away from all his friends, and indeed, 50% of the adult population of the world. this doesn't make your feelings less valid, but you don't have the moral right to demand this of him.

HelenLoveJoyOfSpringfield · 14/07/2007 23:29

"i ould not have a relationship with a man who had heterosexual female friends,and dp has known this from the start."

Oh sweetheart, you really need to get some perspective on this.

Jealousy can kill a perfectly good relationship. Chatting to someone online is not cheating. Chatting to someone of the opposite sex is not cheating.. he comes home to you doesn't he?

Try & chat to him & if I were you I would definitely see about getting some counselling as it seems like your confidence is in the gutter.

EscapeFrom · 14/07/2007 23:30

Ok, but a man could tell me that he could not have a relationship with a woman who refuses to wear a bag on her head while outdoors - then if he has a relationship with me anyway, does that give him the right to moan that I won't wear a bag on my head?

NO. And I believe that although you told him that you make unreasonable demands of your partners, it doesn't give you the right to make them.

Original poster
divastrop · 14/07/2007 23:30

my2pworth-i think you are very right there.i suffered AND,thought i would feel better after having the baby,but am now suffering PND.i have always suffered from low self esteem,and this has been made worse by the fact that my last 2 serious relationships were abusive.

i have been having councelling myself for 2 years,and my councellor is of the opinion that i am looking for problems where there are none,as i dont feel i 'deserve' a nice man.

but that doesnt make it go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
divastrop · 14/07/2007 23:33

i dont think the friendship thing is unreasonable tbh,i dont have male friends,and i wouldnt be with a man who had female friends.i dont want to get into that debate(i know its been done on MN a few times).dp didnt have any female friends when i met him.

OP posts:
EscapeFrom · 14/07/2007 23:34

DS

You need to get yourself some help. Try not to think about what he is doing, and get yourself some help to up your self esteem.

I understand that you feel he will leave you, and you are trying to control the situation by demanding he never ever finds anyone to leave you for - but is that what you want? Someone who is only with you because they have been trapped?

Of course not, and that's not what you have - he loves you. If he wanted to leave you, he would have done by now. If he wanted to cheat on you, all the controlling of his friendships in the world wouldn't stop him - he would just get up, walk out, and find someone in a nightclub.

You can't control him, Divastrop, but you don't NEED to, he loves you, that's why he's with you.

EscapeFrom · 14/07/2007 23:35

Maybe you don't think it's unreasonable, but your partner does, and he is one half of your relationship.

Original poster
divastrop · 14/07/2007 23:35

oh and i do involve myself deeply in mumsnet but dp thinks it 'fuels' my paranoia reading about other peoples relationships etc and i was going to try and find something else to interest me but i like MN and i dont really want to.

OP posts:
EscapeFrom · 14/07/2007 23:36

I mean something in real life, really - get out a bit more, and meet some real people - we are just computer sprites.

Original poster
divastrop · 14/07/2007 23:37

no,he doesnt think its unreasonable for me to expect him to not have any female friends.he just thinks its unreasonable for me to not want him to chat to women online.

OP posts:
HelenLoveJoyOfSpringfield · 14/07/2007 23:38

What do you class as friends though?

Do you mean the woman in the post office that he chats to when he buys stamps?

The woman who works behind the bar?

The stranger that he chats to on msn about his interests in computer games?

Or are you talking about some of your friends that include your dp as their friend? I have one friend inparticular who we class more as dh's friend, as they share more interests than me & her, they text jokes, forward funny emails... I don't have a problem with this 'relationship' but I suspect you may have... am I right?

Sorry to hear you have PND sweetie, been there, done that & it's not nice. xx

Original poster
divastrop · 14/07/2007 23:39

i am struggling with getting out atm,i have decided to try and go to parent+toddler group when the dc go back to school in september.i havent felt upto socialising cos of the depression.i used to be out every day,to groups,on courses etc.

OP posts:
mytwopenceworth · 14/07/2007 23:39

Diva. You do sound like me. I went through HELL. I yelled, screamed, cried, begged, ordered.... I accused my dh of all manner of things. I wanted him with me 24/7. did not want him to have contact with anyone else - especially not women! I would quiz him about the women at work, go through his pockets, phone numbers I found, delete numbers I didn't recognise from his mobile....

But eventually it came to a head, I won't bore you with all the details, but suffice to say I came to understand that it was about me. I didn't like myself at all. When you don't like yourself, you don't beleive that you are liked by others. That is where it starts.

It is hard, but you have a problem that you need to deal with or it WILL destroy you.

If you ever want to talk in detail off board, you can email me. This is something I REALLY understand. mud24 at hotmail dot co dot uk

HelenLoveJoyOfSpringfield · 14/07/2007 23:40

Is there any classes you might be interested in?

Or a gym with a creche?

Or perhaps just bundling ds up in his pram & going for a walk every day?

You need something for you, to stop you brooding about what might be... sounds to me like you have a lovely good man there, don't drive him away.

EscapeFrom · 14/07/2007 23:40

I understand your need to vent about your feelings on this, but |I don't really see how we can help you more here - you aren't going to change your stance that your making perfectly reasonable requests of him, but unfortunately nobody (including your dp) agrees with you on this - do you not think that says something?

Original poster
divastrop · 14/07/2007 23:41

i mean close friends,ie phoning,emailing etc.he has the same view on that as me,though,so its not an issue.

OP posts: