i have tried my best to see this from dp's POV,or to just not care,but i can't change how i feel.

[divastrop]

have posted on this subject a few times.

dp and i keep arguing about the same thing over and over,ie his chatting to women on online games.

i have always hated computer games for various reasons,but after being with dp for a while i realised he is really into them and i accepted it,and when we moved in together and it became clear that his playing computer games doesnt stop him playing with the kids,doing stuff around the house etc,i didnt let it bother me.

however,when he started playing online games i became concerned because of the 'chat' element,as i dont think that its right to chat online to members of the opposite sex when you are in a relationship.

dp explained that alot of the time he doesnt know what gender the person is in rl,which is fair enough.however,for a while at the end of last year,when i was pregnant,he was chatting to a woman nearly every day,and i saw some of the things she said to him like 'i'm your friend,arent i?'which to me is flirting.when i asked dp about this woman though,he would get annoyed with me and say they only ever chatted about the game and he didnt tell anybody anything personal like his name etc.
he just said i was being paranoid,and i tried to put it out of my mind.

now,though,our baby is 4 months old and this issue still gets to me.dp has said that he doesnt flirt and if anybody flirted with him he wouldnt chat to them again.but i,personally,would see him chatting regularly to a particular woman as cheating.it doesnt matter what they are chatting about,it would be the fact that he had formed an online relationship with a woman that bothered me.dp thinks this is unreasonable and that it wouldnt be cheating.

i have tried so hard not to care,but i often find myself looking over his shoulder to 'check' who he is talking to,and then he gets pissed off saying that i dont trust him.but how can i trust him when we see things so differently?

i dont know if this issue will ever be resolved,and i'm scared it will be the end of us

[mytwopenceworth]

oh, and if you have been having counselling for 2 years and have made no progress, your counsellor is crap.

Is it CBT btw?

[HelenLoveJoyOfSpringfield]

EscapeFrom, DS has depression & it clouds your judgement on everything so I can sort of understand her insecurities.

But she needs to be the one to do something about it & learn to trust her dp

DS, best of luck to you on this tough journey xx

[HelenLoveJoyOfSpringfield]

By having the same view, do you mean he doesn't like you to have male friends either?

I'm glad dh isn't like that or i'd be pretty screwed... I get texts all the time from other women's hubbys

Mostly my friends dh's & my BIL's

[divastrop]

escapefrom-i do know that im being unreasonable about the online game thing,thats why i posted,cos i have to sort it out,i have to find a way to get my head around it.

my2pworth-that is very kind of you.thank you.i have(after much hounding of my gp)been reffered for CBT and am waiting for an appt.

[EscapeFrom]

I suffer with depression on and off myself, and have had similar, although not identical, obsessions while suffering, so I really do know how much it can burn you up - but closeting yourself away, while being EXACTLY what you want to do, isn't going to make you feel better.

It will take away all outside stimulus, leaving you alone in your head to brood on every minute detail of his behavior, and it's NOT healthy. It's not good for YOU.

My point is, it doesn't matter what he will or will not do - changing his behavior won't change the way you feel. You will start worrying about him going to work, or catching the bus, or going to supermarkets - it never ends, and the only way to stop it is to get some help to deal with yourself.

I sound really harsh and I so do not mean to be, but your dp is not the problem here.

[divastrop]

helenlovejoy-(great name)its never been an issue really,i have no close male friends,he has no close female friends.

[divastrop]

escapefrom-i know you are right.if he promised me he would never chat online to another woman in his life i would probably just find something else to worry about,as it does all come down to how i feel about myself.i dont like me,i am boring and moany and miserable,so why the hell would he love me when there are so many other women out there?

[HelenLoveJoyOfSpringfield]

He loves you because you are you.

He loves you because of the way you smile at him, or the way the sun catches your hair when you make the dinner, or perhaps because of the way you laugh, the way you say his name... there are a million reasons why he loves you & won't leave you for someone else.

Think of all the different reasons why you love him... I bet he has a list almost as long, if not longer.

[EscapeFrom]

Oh Diva

YOu need to make a rule with yourself to go out of your house on your own once a week for 3 hours. Go and do something else. It doesn't matter what, just give yourself something else t0 think about. Go see a friend at their house if you aren't feeling up to dong new things, or go see your mum, or go to the library, but do it on your own!

You're not boring or moany etc, but you sound very unhappy.

[divastrop]

i do get out every day,not to friends and that though.i know i will when the kids go back,theres no point making plans now with the hols coming up.(although im hoping to meet up with some mners over the summer).my mum lives 350 miles away.

i have to go now,but thank you everybody,you have all been very kind and helpful

[EscapeFrom]

how you doing, Divastrop?

[divastrop]

not too bad,thanks.saw my councellor yesterday and she is going to do some work on improving my self-esteem with me.

still battling with the thoughts in my head all the time,and its PMT week now which makes it worse.just feel so bloody frustrated that i cant control what goes on in my head,and when i do start to think logically i start questioning myself ie 'what if it turns out that i was right all along and i am being taken for a fool'.

i think i just cant cope when something isn't within my control

i was going to just reply 'ok thanks' then.clearly im not

[madamez]

I too would suggest a change of counsellor if the current one does not appear to be helping - counsellors are human beings and not only are some good and others rubbish, but how well a counsellor can help you depends on how well you "fit" with the counsellor.
Not going to go on at you but your attitude is making you suffer far more than anything anyone else might do, and I hope you manage to fix it.

[cazee]

In answer to the issue raised in the op, I would consider it cheating to chat with other women on line. The fact that you don't think it is acceptable should be reason enough for your DH to stop doing it.
People vary greatly in what they find acceptable, and if this falls outside of what you can live with then that is just something your DP will have to adjust to.

[madamez]

Cazee, don't you think that anyone is entitled to find excessive paranoia, snooping and insecurity unreasonable? Or is it only the suspicious partner who has any rights in a relationship? Not wishing to insult the OP (and I am not referring to her specifically either) some people use their 'vulnerabilty' and easily-hurt feelings as weapons to get their own way, so just because a partner is upset doesn';t always mean that they are right.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Just rereading the OP, I can only say that if she thinks "I'm your friend, aren't I?" is flirting she has a VERY, VERY restrictive view! If she'd said "girlfriend" it would be a wee bit different.

I am the computer games obsessive in my household. My STBXH could not come to terms with the fact that I played with characters that had real live male owners somewhere out there in various parts of Europe. I used to let him read over my shoulder, during group raids I would leave the communication channel open so he could here what was said, yet somehow he was always convinced I was up to something. It opened my eyes to the fact our marriage had in fact been sh*t for some time (for this and many other reasons), so when he started the "if you play with this or that person again this marriage is over", I said OK then, so be it, and felt a huge sense of relief. I had had every intention of being faithful to him up to that point, but I did in fact end up turning emotionally to one of my gamepals after this, as I felt such a big hole in my life where a relationship had been. However nothing came of it, I never met the bloke, and anyway he got bored in a very short time of me moaning on about my problems and rather ungraciously ducked out.

My STBXH used to be jealous of me playing offline games too (there's nobody there, but I'm still paying attention to a machine instead of him)... and who I might have gone out with before he met me (I had one snog, just one! no dates at all! and I was 23!)... and going to work (but we needed the money)... and "all those times you go out with your friends" (about four times a year I have a drink and a pizza with a group of FEMALE ex-colleagues)... and me talking to my brother and sister... and me liking the look of anyone on telly he had not given me permission to like (I'm allowed Johnny Depp but not a Mastermind contestant, for example)... and me going to the gym (where there are obviously fit blokes in shorts which I might have been looking at and who might have had an interest in a fat middle-aged mother instead of the fit birds in shorts... and me going belly-dancing with a bunch of women (well the teacher had a husband who used to move the chairs around and some of the customers - not me - hugged him)... So basically if I had given up my game in consideration of his feelings it wouldn't have helped. I would have had to give up doing everything and going anywhere, ending my life in a box with nothing to look at and no-one to speak to except him. He's still trying it even now that we're well down the divorce route, trying to lay the guilt on me for giving him reason to be jealous, and still talking about "the affair" which I never had.

Yes, I think he's depressed, but he'll never admit it and never get treatment. He will of course present it to the court as me putting computer games before the family. He can present it however he wants, but I will not be dictated to as if I was a stupid child who would potter off to meet a ravening paedophile. I have nothing to be ashamed of, and if I did actually get round to having an affair now I don't see why I shouldn't, as I am no longer in a relationship with him.

Hmm, a rant maybe, but I won't apologise for hijacking the thread as the case history may be helpful to some readers.

[Wisteria]

Hi Diva - sorry to hear you're still struggling. I can understand the insecurity about the online gaming etc but think it is your prob not his. You don't avoid conversations on here with the male members do you? He'll never meet them will he, so is it an issue really?

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

[madamez]

Annie: glad to hear you stood up for yourself. THe point is, when someone is unreasonably jealous due to their own low self-esteem and insecurity, pandering to them does not help but makes them worse. A very insecure person needs to build up his or her self esteem rather than seek to manipulate everyone else.

[cazee]

It depends if you think that the op is being unreasonable or not. She may well have low self esteem or be insecure (I don't know), but that doesn't mean that she is wrong about THIS.
I don't think that is alright for a married man to chat to other women over the internet. It is as my very dear friend phrased it "going where the fire is". I know that I am at one end of the spectrum (and madamz at the other!), but that is how I feel.
An awful lot is considered acceptable now that wouldn't have been in decades past, and marriages are failing at a shocking rate.
I am a Christian, and I believe in being chaste, and that chatting with women over the internet is not appropriate behaviour. But even more than this, I believe in making sacrifices to achieve the bigger prize, a loving, happy and fulfilling marriage.
It does sound as if diva's dp is not flirting at the moment, but what if a friendship was to grow? Why put extra pressure on a relationship?

[divastrop]

anniegetyorgun-i dont think i am anything like your xh tbh,he sounds like an extreme control freak.

mafamez-thank you for your replies,i appreciate them as i know you are at the other end of the spectrum to me,and it helps to get your views as it put things in perspective.

i am feeling more logical now,and its not really a peoblem atm(its only a problem when i feel bad about myself).obviously,if dp started being secretive then i would be concerned,but i know thats not going to happen as if he didnt want to be with me anymore he would just tell me.

i know i can get over this.i had a huge problem when i was first pregnant,with nudity.basically,for weeks i wouldnt even let dp watch a film that was rated over 12 in case there were tits in it.this was because my xp used to comment on attractive women,(eg 'shes got a nice pair of tits'etc)on the telly,whilst telling me i was fat and unattractive and that i was lucky he stayed with me.in time,though,i got over the nudity thing,as i realised dp was nothing like that.

if i think about it,i would find it a bit silly if dp accused me of flirting just because i replied to a man's post on MN or something.i'm sure that once i get it into my head that he loves me as much as i love him then i will stop obsessing about this issue.

[divastrop]

that was meant to be madamez.and very good point about not pandering to them.i would hate for dp to stop playing the games because of me,and i know if he did he would end up hating me anyway.luckily,he's like me in that he doesnt take any shit and will tell me if i'm going too far and taking the piss.

[madamez]

Divastrop, I don't wish to be unsympathetic to you because it msut be miserable to be constantly worried about these almost phobic fears - but good luck with getting them into perspective.
Cazee: a paretner either is monogamously inclined or they are not. And nagging and spying on a trustworthy person may make them so fed up that they leave the relationship, whereas nagging and spying won't stop someone who is reluctant to remain monogamous in the first place: they will either develop better concealment schemes or go ahead and shrug when they get caught.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Diva, I think you need to take a step back and look at this from the outside, and get some perspective.

You walk into a pub, you meet a group of friends, and a new friend. This new friend happens to be a gay woman. Does that mean she automatically fancies you?

Your DP walks into a pub - same scenario except gay man. Would you immediately think this person would be automatically attracted to your DP?

Having friends of the opposite sex is normal, and healthy. To refuse to have friends of the opposite sex just because you are in a relationship is, well, bizarre. Sorry, not trying to be rude or insulting, but, I cant think of another word for it.

[cazee]

madamez, I agree in part with what you say, for instance I know that I can trust my DH completely. However, it is not that clear cut for everyone. Some marriages fail because one partner meets someone else and "falls in love". That does not just happen, that is a relationship that develops, and married people need to be careful not to put themselves in situations that could lead to trouble.

A previous poster said that she turned to an online games companion when her relationship failed, now to me that is a warning sign.

However, I revise my statement that chatting on these gaming sites is cheating, it could be cheating, depending on the heart of the person doing it.