Would this message bother you? And how would you expect your Oh to reply?

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Dp slipped up so he says and told his colleagues we're expecting another baby, small age gap so it's been a shock for us both.

Anyway, he had a few messages via WhatsApp congratulations and what not. He handed me the phone to read one from a mutual friend and in the process I saw one from a female colleague saying congratulations but followed by: bet that's a good year of no sex for you then and the emoji smirking smiley face. I was a bit hmm, he's not particularly close to her or anything and I'm not worried about anything else going on but it's not really appropriate is it?
But his reply was: I know right 😫. Which I'm more annoyed about. He said he took it as her joking about me getting pregnant so soon and replied in a jokey, Yep there's no chance she'll let me near her again way.

I don't actually know what I'd expect him to reply if I'm honest but I just feel like what he put is a bit disrespectful. But I'm pregnant and my hormones are crazy so don't know if I'm overreacting.
If I was one of his mates I wouldn't mind as they know us and I'd know it was said jokingly.

Does she have children?

Yes @SchrodingersBrexit. One primary age I think.

Dp thinks she only meant it after the baby's born because I won't want to get pregnant again (which is right but he's getting the snip). The group work message a few of his work mates mentioned me going back to work in a jokey way but they know I want to. So he thinks it's not about me being pregnant.

He's sorry it's upset me though and said anything else like that and he just won't reply. He didn't reply to the message she sent after and she didn't send anything else after that. So hopefully I'm being silly and she was just (badly) joking.

Ooh I really wouldn’t be keen on this.

It’d not bother me if it was someone I knew was a friend of my OH, but things don’t add up here, on one hand he’s saying they’re not close but on the other she feels comfortable enough with him, her colleague, to make a joke about his sex life after a BABY ANNOUNCEMENT it just doesn’t make sense. I don’t want to worry you because even if she’s interested it doesn’t mean he’s gonna cheat, but I’d be wondering why he was telling me they weren’t close or friends when clearly there’s a level of emotional intimacy there for her to act this way.

If they weren’t close and she sent it I doubt he’d have replied colluding with it. Honestly if a male coworker sent me that who I wasn’t friends with after I’d announced I was having a baby I’d be absolutely gobsmacked and telling him it’s inappropriate and what the hell is he thinking, or outright ignoring. I wouldn’t be replying agreeing with him.

Keep an eye on this, seems fishy.

And weird she took the time to sent it as a private message too.

Dp thinks she only meant it after the baby's born because I won't want to get pregnant again (which is right but he's getting the snip).

I really can’t see how anyone would automatically assume she meant once the baby is born. It’s pretty clear she meant from now onwards, and yes including the few months once the baby arrives. He’s trying to paint it in the least bad light to assuage your fears and anxiety but personally I’d feel a bit insulted at him trying to twist it by pretending he thought she meant something different, like you’re that easily placated, ya know?

Or would anyone else take it to mean once the baby is born? It seems like a reach for him to have thought that hence why I think he’s just trying to make it seem less bad so he can explain why he replied the way he did.

I think think it’s a deeply crass message, and the best way to have responded would be to have ignored it or replied ‘???’

The comment would have been light weight from our office!
A Male worker came I t day that his wife was pregnant again not long after the first child and most if the comments were ' has she chopped your balls off now!' followed by congratulations.
I personally would not think it was suspicious, odd inappropriate.
I also understand that a lot if people on hee seem not to be matey with their work colleagues and keep a distance. Our team isn't like that.

It’s just standard banter, you are only sensitive about it because she’s a woman.

It's banter, true. And it's seemingly 'harmless'. But this stuff leaves teeth marks in a way. I dealt with a hell of a lot of this type of banter when I was pregnant with DC1. My ex-DH had a group of friends and colleagues who just put stuff out there all the time about the pregnancy. It was relentless, sexist, and cliche.
I love banter and I am not easily offended, but I would feel exactly the same about this text as you do, OP. Why your DH responded the way he did beats me. I know he probably didn't think before he responded but still!
Here's the golden rule if you want a marriage to work (my first one failed because I didn't lay this one down): Don't run each other down, even in jest.
Your DH, inadvertently, ran you down by responding. Banter like this can be damaging. He's now given his colleague leverage and a license to disrespect you.

Throw enough mud and it sticks! My first marriage didn't go the distance because my then DH had a Greek chorus of banter in which I was ALWAYS the target. It was like his friends couldn't handle that their mate went and started a family. It wore us down. It really did.

It’s just standard banter, you are only sensitive about it because she’s a woman.

What a presumptuous comment.

I’d think it was exactly as crass if it had been from a male colleague.

Oh pack it in PicsinRed and EmeraldRubyShark - you're trying to get your kicks by planting doubts in the mind of a woman who's feeling slightly vulnerable due to pregnancy.

OP - the woman's comment was tacky but some people just don't have boundaries. I can understand you being annoyed with your DH's response but sounds like he was trying to be friendly to a work colleague with his reply.

Let this go, trust your husband and enjoy your pregnancy.

You're overreacting.

My gut feeling would be that her message means "if you're not getting any sex then I can supply some" but I am a fairly suspicious and cynical person.

Whereas some people support their own gender and would have messaged "make sure you look after your wife and see she gets lots of rest as she'll be exhausted" others - like this woman - see it as an opportunity!

I think she was implying you’ll be too tired to have sex for the next year.

I think his reply should have been ‘No idea why you think that given there’s such a tiny gap between our kids?! 🤷🏻‍♀️‘

That would have shut it down much better.

I can see what he was thinking with his reply now you’ve explained it, but I think she will think he’ll be missing out on sex at home so might be up for it...

Anyway, don’t give it any more head space. You trust your DP, and aside from that, nothing you say or do now will change anything if he chooses to cheat on you in the future so it’s pointless.

Congratulations on the baby! Close gaps are hard bloody work at first, but absolutely fabulous after that. Think about the long game 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry, that was meant to be 😊

Lots of people banter like this in the workplace.
My DH doesn't, in fact he hates this kind of flirty banter, so I'd know something was up if he did it, but for many people it's just that.

Oh far from it MsLucyHoneychurch, why would anyone be so nasty? OP asked for opinions and I’m giving mine. I can only go by my own experience of the workplace, but I’m not going to patronise OP by saying it all sounds totally fine when it really doesn’t. I did qualify with ‘wouldn’t worry cos even if she’s interested that doesn’t mean he’ll cheat’ so pack yourself in thanks. You seem to be the only one getting a kick, from trying to control what views other people share

OP is pregnant, not an imbecile who needs advice she’s deliberately sought sugarcoating. The seeds of doubt are clearly already there or this thread wouldn’t exist, and I can’t say I blame her for wondering.

@SandyY2K. Then she sent the other message
. And she's in the group chat which a few other colleagues said congrats on, that's what he was showing me as one of his work mates had said something jokingly on that.
But she specifically sent a message just to him, why not just say it in the group chat.

She took it outside of the group chat because she knows it was inappropriate and actually in that case, he could have ignored the message...because it didn't warrant a reply.

She wasn't asking a question...she was making a statement and a personal one at that.

Ignoring and deleting the message is what I would have done.

Banter is one thing, boundaries are another and engaging with ppl who push boundaries are what can lead to other things.

OP.... I don't think you should raise it eith him again, except to say a suitable response to such a message is no response st all in the future.

Then leave it there. His response leaves room for more of her comments down the line...

I would take her comment, as no sex for a year because you (OP) will have your hands full with 2 littles ones.

You certainly can't control what ppl say yo him..
But he needs to respond (if necessary) in a manner that he would expect if the shoe was on the other foot.

So for example if he was going to work away for a few months and a male colleague said to you.."that means no sex for 6 months if his contract" and you replied with a sad face emoji and agreed with him... I'm sure your OH wouldn't like it.

I know that's not exactly comparable to pregnancy and having a baby...but you get the point I was making.

I think her message is off.

Call it banter if you like and maybe it would be ok if it was in-person or in a group message but it seems to cross a line as a private message

I hate the word banter, tbh. It seems to be used to excuse a multitude of slightly off behaviours these days.
I’ve always understood it to mean an off the cuff comment, anyway.
Taking the trouble to actually type something out and press send gives it a bit more intent, I think. I’d wonder why she was so keen for him to read this particular example of hardly razor sharp banter.
And keep it off shared chat so it was for his eyes only.

He thought she meant after the baby as his other friends were joking about it happening so soon after the first and he read hers at the same time and so thought she was thinking on the same lines. If that makes sense, it made sense when he explained to me.

I feel ok now though. I know him and he doesn't really think before he replies and he's not one to over think messages and stuff.

Dp saw her briefly at work this morning and he said she was just normal and said congrats again and asked how I was feeling. No mention of sex or lack of and he said she definitely wasn't making glances at him.

I feel a bit silly now and think it was most likely a poor attempt at a joke/banter.