Sex drive. How can I get it higher?

[Uselessbugger]

Is there anyway of getting your sex drive higher? My DP wants it every day and feels very let down if I don't feel in the mood which isn't that often in the grand scheme of things.
I have shared my concerns with him that sometimes it makes me feel like that's all I'm good for. Ideally I'd just want to make this higher for myself so we can resolve the issue.

I think compromise is the name of the game here. Despite being post-menopause, I would happily have sex daily however, DH is naturally a once a week type of guy.

We’ve kind of settled for 3/4 times per week.

You not wanting sex daily is every bit as valid as him wanting it daily.

If you're doing this for yourself then I would say great but to "resolve the issue"

It’s your self esteem that needs to be higher. Sex is a mutual act not an obligation. No decent person insists on it or should want it with someone who isn’t interested at that moment. Your DP has the Ick factor.

@NameChangeNugget thank you for that. Has it made you feel unwanted by him for that reason? How do you get through the days without it without feeling the relationship is failing as I feel that's what my DP feels like.

I've asked him time and time again to make me feel loved and appreciated without I always ending in that. There has been other issues in the relationship which has affected my self esteem. He also feels very low but feels that he needs this closeness to feel like things are working.

I'm worried about saying no to him because of the fall out after. He knows all of this.

I would love for it to be higher so I wasn't constantly worrying.

I suffer with anxiety and have a toddler so tiredness is sometimes a factor for me also. I've said if we have opportunity earlier in the day/evening that may help.

I initially did feel unwanted as I was constantly being rejected sexually. It felt like a real kick in the teeth. I thought It was because I was getting old and his head was being turned. In truth, it was all in my head and simply as he’d hit his 50’s his libido had dropped

@NameChangeNugget how did you get from feeling that way to feeling how you do now? I'm going to talk to him about compromise

Just by talking OP. He was just as embarrassed about his sex drive diminishing as I was at the rejection.
I know it’s not me now which helped.

what is the fall out from saying no

Somehow OP this appears to be all on you - he has got you into such a state about this with a toddler as well

I think you may need to look at taking sex out of the equation completely for awhile and work on other aspects of intimacy in your relationship and reconnecting without it

Sex taken out of the equation completely is not an option I don't think.

The fall out is that he feels let down if he doesn't get it. He feels unwanted and that I'm looking elsewhere. Then makes comments saying things aren't like they used to be. This then puts pressure on me because I don't want him feeling that way. I've asked him to look into sex drives and look at the things that can affect it. I've tried time and time again to make him see that me not wanting sex for 1 or 2 nights in a row is no reflection on him.

He says he wants to feel close in other ways like kissing and cuddling which I am more than happy with but he always takes that as me being in the mood so I guess naturally I shy away from doing that so much on the days I'm not in the mood, therefore causing a problem. I said all this to him a month ago and said I just want to be comfortable to be like that with him without feeling under pressure that sex has to be the end result.

I feel this is absolutely tearing us apart. I feel so under pressure to keep him happy it's unbelievable.

In order to repair your relationship taking it away removes it and the pressure - it enables you to feel close in other ways it exactly allows what you think you need. and he knows it is no reflection on him

I am not saying it is taken out for a long term thing what I am saying is that all of your issues revolve around it

because at the moment there is a fine line between this and coercive sexual behaviour. And the fact that it is seen as being on you to increase yours rather than decrease

And daily sex with a toddler is not a normal relationship goal - 2-3 times a week should be the compromise

Okay well maybe that is something that I'll have to broach with him.

I'm just struggling with the fact that he just can't or refuses to understand that me not wanting it sometimes is not a reflection on him. I just wish he could understand it doesn't change my feelings for him in the slightest.

Thanks for your advice

There is a brilliant book called Come As You Are all about this kind of thing-I’d really recommend it.

There are many factors at play which can increase or decrease labido. Sleep or lack thereof, hormones, age, contraception, weight, excercise, medication & health issues. It is not as simple as turning on and off a switch. Your partner has to understand this!

My labido was at zero with hormonal contraceptives and whilst I was breastfeeding my children. After having a copper coil fitted and finishing breastfeeding my sex drive came back 10 fold! I have no desire for sex when I have PMT or when I am on my period. That’s how my body works and I understand that well enough to explain to DH that it will be like that every month!

You should not be coerced into sex through emotional blackmail. Your DP is getting plenty of sex considering you have a young child. If he’s not happy with that, he has his hand and knows where the bathroom is!

@Whatsallthisaboutthen thank you for your recommendation I shall take a look at this. Has it helped you to improve your sex drive?

It’s about understanding variety in sexual behaviour and desire, and how couples can work together-it won’t increase your innate sex drive, but will give you ideas about what sorts of things make you feel more in the mood. It’s all about context!

OP how is he as a parent and husband outside of this as well?

What effort is he making to reduce his sex drive? It doesn't sound like there is any attempt to meet in the middle...

exactly boilerbap - trying to get it to every day with a toddler is ridiculous and self absorbed.

OP that and the fact it causes you anxiety and he wants you to make changes without any compromise on his part speaks volumes

Generally he's really lovely. Very understanding about most things. Very hands on. Very helpful. Very equal in things we do/jobs we share around the house. Quite romantic too in bringing flowers and going out for dinner. We both have good jobs and work full time. He also has a 4yo from previous relationship we have half the week.

It's just this one thing that seems to be the root of all evil.

Aside from this there has been ongoing issues in him being suspicious of me. Always thinks I'm on my phone doing things I shouldn't. He puts this down to trust issues from previous relationship.

So is he happy for you to go out etc?

I don't generally tend to go out much as that's just me I've always been a bit like that. I will generally meet a friend after work one day a week and usually go out for a meal with her every couple of months. I go to se family and stuff on my own sometimes which is no issue.

He does want to know what I'm doing all the time though which can feel a bit claustrophobic

No wonder you don’t want to have sex every day.
He’s putting FAR too much pressure on you and doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s his way or the highway. What a turn off. You arent a sexual robot. You have feelings and emotional needs too.

Him thinking sex is the only way to feel close is a load of shit and he’s saying that to pressurise you.

Wanting to know what you are doing all the time isn’t healthy either.

He says that he doesn't expect sex all the time and he doesn't feel that's the only way to be close to me but his behaviour shows different.

He knows how anxious it makes me but he's never made a point of making me feel relaxed and not under pressure. I've said maybe we could try doing all the kissing and stuff and maybe he should ask if I'm feeling that way inclined rather than just assuming but he thinks that's not spontaneous or natural. Trying to make him see I do want to kiss him and cuddle him of an evening but doesn't mean I always want sex and the reason I have pulled back a bit from this is he always gets the wrong idea. He knows all this but nothing changes.

He said I should tell him that I don't want it which is a fair point instead of just going along with it but as I said previously it's the fall out after sometimes it's not worth the hassle

There is nothing wrong with having a lower sex drive. The question shouldn't be how to up your sex drive to keep him happy. Him sulking and being disappointed in you for not having sex every day is not ok.

what is the fall out from it