Sex drive. How can I get it higher?

[Uselessbugger]

Is there anyway of getting your sex drive higher? My DP wants it every day and feels very let down if I don't feel in the mood which isn't that often in the grand scheme of things.
I have shared my concerns with him that sometimes it makes me feel like that's all I'm good for. Ideally I'd just want to make this higher for myself so we can resolve the issue.

He feels I'm blaming everything on him. I don't know whether to feel bad about this. I don't feel like I do anything to encourage his behaviour. He basically wants to live in my pocket 247 and still expect me to want to desire him etc. It's not going to happen if I don't get space to be me.

This isn’t a healthy relationship

I know he is what he is and I've tried to support him but I think I have to give up now.

Yes you do have to give up now. You deserve better

Give up. You've done enough. It really is all about him, isn't it?

Yes it is

He sounds like a sex pest!!

I would say try and have sex every day for a week and then see if you feel any different after that.

^terrible advice

Sorry, did not have time to read all the thread. Thought it was a general low sex drive that resulted in arguments which can be a common issue in relationships, therefore please ignore my advice

Why don’t you live together? Have I read that wrong?

There are several alarm bells I’m hearing reading these posts.

The fact he is suspicious of you and does not trust you means that by wanting daily sex this is about territory marking and nothing - zero - fuck all - about wanting to feel close.

He is an insecure, paranoid man who is definitely guilt tripping you into servicing his needs when you have urinary issues and that madam right there is coercive control.

I actually have no advice except this man sounds like a bad apple. Any man who uses sex as a means by which to exert power is a wrong ‘un.

He sounds awful, you have a toddler, a full time job, a urinary infection and he ‘expects’ sex every day .

As you don’t even live together I would just end the relationship.

I would happily live without sex, my DH enjoys sex but we probably have sex once a month and he never ‘pesters’ me for more although I know he would enjoy a more active sex life.

Looking through all your posts useless he seems to have issues beyond being a legitimate sex pest. The constant need for validation, the jealousy, the constant need to be close to you. These look like borderline personality behaviors. Its certainly not appropriate to diagnose a stranger over the Internet, and he probably doesn't have the condition, but he definitely has some of the tendencies.

Why don't you guys live together? Just curious.
You have a family together but you're leading separate lives. What's that all about?

I just wonder if this is having an impact, the fact that you don't live together. That being said, he sounds like terribly hard work.
What's his story about his previous relationship (the mother of the 4 year old)?

We don't have a family together. He is not the father to my toddler. We had plans to move in together in the future but would involve selling both our houses to do so. I made it clear to him months ago that I would not be moving in together if this issue carried out. He is seeking help. I feel like he's got bad anxiety. He's worrying about every little thing. He is very insecure he knows this but he said previously he wasn't. He certainly didn't appear insecure when we first met. I guess it seemed to have started when things started moving on from the honeymoon phase and getting more comfortable. He seemed to think this meant I had someone else and then it went on from there.

He notices every little thing. He notices the last time I'd been online on facebook/WhatsApp. Notices if the iPad has moved to one room from another. Notices things in the bin and when they've been eaten. He has said he is fed up of noticing everything and him overthinking things. Whereas you and I wouldn't pay any attention to these things or not think suspiciously. He has a very suspicious mind.

@TheVanguardSix I have said this too but he doesn't seem to think that's the issue. His ex cheated on him twice. One with a man, once with a woman if that makes any difference? I think she has a lot of problems with depression. The child was born very premature and was touch and go. He was hands on from the beginning whereas she was jealous that he prioritises the baby over her. I know this is all what he has said but I've seen malicious messages from her which shows the sort of person she is.

You just don’t need this man in your life, as he is not the father of your toddler you can block him, concentrate on yourself and your child, maybe look at the Freedom Programme to understand how to set boundaries.
As your toddler is so young it is still very early days to bring a new man into your life, please.... read through the threads on Mumsnet to see how some relationships end up for women with controlling partners/husbands.
This man is not ‘normal’, he sounds deeply, deeply unpleasant, at the very least he will be a horrible influence on your Child’s Life. Get rid.

He sounds like my ex.
I put up with ten years of coercive control and what eventually became rape.

Get rid of him. He's not the father of your DC and relationships aren't supposed to be like this

Honestly OP, ask yourself why are you with this man?

I’m going to respectfully suggest you examine the Freedom Programme, and suggest you and your toddler concentrate on being a happy little unit together, just the two of you. The stress of this shit relationship will be exhausting you in ways you won’t realise until it’s over.

If you end this now I suspect you’d have dodged a bullet.

OP, this chap has more red flags than the Kremlin during a soviet military parade!
His paranoia, anxiety, suspicion and controlling behaviour will only get worse.
His previous relationship history sounds codependent at best.
He is contributing nothing to the joy of your existence and actively dragging you down with his constant whiny demands for sex.
As a PP said, this is about possession and marking his territory, not love or desire.
Please think hard about why you are still with this abusive man, and whether you’d be much happier without him.

Does it not count for anything that he is seeking support for this? He has his first session next week. I just find it hard to believe he is all of these things as when things are good he's amazing. And he's never shouted or threatened or anything like that. I don't believe for a minute he'd ever lay a finger on me. I feel that his past relationship has ruined him.

He has said he is fed up of noticing everything and him overthinking things

So heneeds to work out with his therapist how to tackle that. You're not obliged to make it all ok for him.

I honestly don't see what positives he is bringing to your life now. He's whining for attention that you could give to yourself or your young child. YOU are more important than that.

It would count if he accepted that the issue was his and that he was seeking help for it - but he isnt

AS it happens he needs to do this on his own as well for his own sake as well he is not ready for a relationship either

Does it not count for anything that he is seeking support for this?

To some degree yes, but at the risk of sounding like Sting here, if you love him, set him free.

Right now he’s not in a place to conduct a healthy relationship. Working on himself and taking time and space is a good way for him to address negative patterns and basically learn to be a better man.

You both sound as if you need time apart to work on your self esteems. And if it’s meant to be, it will be.