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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex drive. How can I get it higher?

88 replies

Uselessbugger · 17/04/2019 08:29

Is there anyway of getting your sex drive higher? My DP wants it every day and feels very let down if I don't feel in the mood which isn't that often in the grand scheme of things.
I have shared my concerns with him that sometimes it makes me feel like that's all I'm good for. Ideally I'd just want to make this higher for myself so we can resolve the issue.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 17/04/2019 12:41

Have you always been a people pleaser?

Its ok to not feel like sex every day and it isnt a problem. Him feeling like he needs to claim ownership of you and act like youre making the relationship fail if you dont put out, is unsustainable. You might be able to go on like this for a while, but really its exhausting and its unfair. He doesnt trust you, and hes giving himself confidence by constant sex whether you are interested or not, and has convinced you that your already very healthy sex drive is somehow lacking.
The problem is for him to deal with, not for you to do more

Original poster
Uselessbugger · 17/04/2019 12:41

@Quartz2208 The fall out is that he feels let down if he doesn't get it. He feels unwanted and that I'm looking elsewhere. Then makes comments saying things aren't like they used to be. This then puts pressure on me because I don't want him feeling that way. I've asked him to look into sex drives and look at the things that can affect it. I've tried time and time again to make him see that me not wanting sex for 1 or 2 nights in a row is no reflection on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Uselessbugger · 17/04/2019 12:44

@Branleuse yes I guess I have. I take it very personally if I feel responsible for someone feeling down or sad. Or if I do something wrong at work or forget something I really get myself worked up as I pride myself on putting 110% and being the best I can be. I know this is an issue on my part and I have come a long way in trying to not get in a pickle over things but this situation has got me.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 17/04/2019 12:44

Why isn't he asking how can he lower his sex drive? You don't have to change just to please him. It's normal for sex to reduce after the first few months/years. He's being U, not you!

Branleuse · 17/04/2019 12:47

He doesnt need to lower his sex drive and you dont need to increase yours. You both just have to realise that you being into it enthusiastically is vital, and if youre not feeling it that day, its not a problem. There are other days. He has no right to get frantic about it, and you are allowed to say no and that is FINE.

Original poster
Uselessbugger · 17/04/2019 12:48

@Singlenotsingle I have said to him I understand he may feel he wants it everyday. I also have a ongoing urinary issue which doesn't help my confidence and under the hospital to get it sorted. I've explained to him there are many reasons why I may not feel in the mood. All he says is that he just needs to feel wanted. He says it's not all about sex but if that's the case why does he feel let down if it doesn't happen?

I have suggested he can help himself if he feels the need and not to rely on me. It's like he doesn't want to acknowledge there is another reason apart from that I don't want him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Uselessbugger · 17/04/2019 12:50

@Branleuse completely get it and I've told him I understand people have different drives. I've even tried to ask him what's happened in previous relationships when the lady hasn't been in the mood. He said he was at it most of the time and he doesn't know how he felt on the days they didn't have it. I'm desperately trying to understand him as I've never had this issue with anyone else even if they have had a higher drive than me.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 17/04/2019 12:53

He doesnt own access to your body to make himself feel better.

NabooThatsWho · 17/04/2019 12:54

Boohoo poor him 🙄.

If he is THAT insecure (and I think he’s lying to get his way to be honest) then he needs to go to counselling for him insecurity issues.

The more he nags at you and ignores your feelings, the more he will push you away. Imagine having to deal with this crap for the rest of your life.

He is the one with the problem, not you. Although he’s trying to twist it so it seems like you have the problem.

Branleuse · 17/04/2019 12:55

Having sex when you dont really feel up for it, will ruin how much you enjoy sex in the future

Quartz2208 · 17/04/2019 12:57

So ou gave aongoing urinary issues which are probably worsened by daily sex and it’s still all about his needs and wants

This is not the actions of a lovely man OP

Original poster
Uselessbugger · 17/04/2019 13:00

So how do we move forward. I just say no when I'm not in the mood and try to ignore his strange behaviour which is a result of that? And try not to feel bad that I can't make him happy?

He is just about to access counselling for his trust issues but it seems that he doesn't feel this is an issue worth bringing up. Maybe we should see someone together?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/04/2019 13:11

Yes that is all you can do - his needs are not on you to fulfil, there are not many out there who could at the moment I think with his issues fulfil them. In essence I dont think this is an issue you can solve. You just need to protect yourself by making sure you never feel pressured into it because that will just make it worse and is no basis for a relationship

He needs to - counselling for his trust issues I think is the heart of the problem. It is his issue to fix and not yours. He needs to adjust his expectations. How does he get on with the mother of his other child?

parttimesally · 17/04/2019 13:15

This might help you understand what's happening OP:

Xxx

Singlenotsingle · 17/04/2019 13:15

It's the main issue, surely? And the fact that his needs seem to trump yours should be a major red flag. I wonder if his previous partner had the same problem?

Original poster
Uselessbugger · 17/04/2019 13:15

@Quartz2208 thank you. I did say to him last night I think he'd be hard pushed to find someone who could meet all his requirements like that. I will encourage him again to speak to his therapist about it. In the mean time I will try to ignore the associated behaviour.

They do not get on at all. Always arguing. Why is that?

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 17/04/2019 13:16

Instead of you looking for ways to increase yours, maybe he should looks for ways to lower his.

Branleuse · 17/04/2019 13:18

i think you have to either ignore the stropping or the acting different, or even look at those as issues with him in their own right.
Is he only lovely when you do everything he wants whenever he wants sexually?

Original poster
Uselessbugger · 17/04/2019 13:22

@Branleuse I'm not sure how to answer that. I guess it does seem a drama does occur whenever he feels like we are "not close". He doesn't even let a day go by before he says things aren't right between us. Unless we aren't with each other that night (we don't live together). Only spend 2 nights apart a week but always see each other in the day with the kids (weekends) but he feels this time together isn't as good as the time we get on our own.

OP posts:
ShannonRockallMalin · 17/04/2019 13:30

OP, I've been in the same boat as you with my DH for years. Whereas we were fairly well matched at the beginning of our relationship, my sex drive has steadily declined, especially after having two DCs, but he would still like it every day ideally.

I don't have a solution for you. It's the constant issue in our marriage still after nearly 20 years although we've both learnt to compromise to a degree. Something that did help us when the DCs were small was a sort of sex timetable. I know it sounds really dry and unromantic, but we tried saying e.g. Tuesday, Friday and Sunday we'll plan to have sex, and other nights it's off the menu. In this way, he knows he's going to get some, and won't need to to pester you, and you can try to get in the mood, perhaps by trying to do less tiring things that day/ evening or whatever works for you.

We found after sticking to this for a few months, we got into more of a natural pattern, because the pressure had been off for both of us for a while. Might be worth a try anyway Thanks

Original poster
Uselessbugger · 17/04/2019 13:49

@parttimesally thank you so much for this. The last 5 minutes made me cry. Very useful Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Uselessbugger · 17/04/2019 13:50

@ShannonRockallMalin thank you so much for the advice Thanks

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 17/04/2019 15:51

He's a needy,insecure,suspicious sex pest who exerts coercive control on you if you say no? Have I missed any facts? You do realize his needs do not trump yours?! He needs intense therapy for his issues stat!

Original poster
Uselessbugger · 17/04/2019 16:28

We've just had a massive ding dong about it. I've told him I can't go on like this as it's making me miserable. I even linked him to the video PP posted and he said it's up to me if I believe in all that it's not going to make a difference to how he feels. I just feel like i can't get him to understand me. It's all about how he feels Sad

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 17/04/2019 16:35

As I said OP everything is about how he feels he doesn’t care you don’t want or that it might cause you pain or that it’s you who has to compromise to him. He has told you in effect he doesn’t care he just wants sex

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