Sex drive. How can I get it higher?

[Uselessbugger]

Is there anyway of getting your sex drive higher? My DP wants it every day and feels very let down if I don't feel in the mood which isn't that often in the grand scheme of things.
I have shared my concerns with him that sometimes it makes me feel like that's all I'm good for. Ideally I'd just want to make this higher for myself so we can resolve the issue.

I'd find that very draining and stressful. The constant pressure for daily sex would turn me off and his quilting me would just add to that.

His suspiciousness and wanting to know where I was all the time would be stifling.

Hi op,

My husband was diagnosed with low testosterone last year. Up until his treatment, we had sex around once a week.

My sex drive is very high and I’d like sex at least twice a day. Hence, for a number of years I began to feel:
Hurt
Rejected
Unattractive
Frustrated
Resentful
Bitter

Our relationship would have ended if DH had not sought treatment. I love him very much and would never have cheated (I think), but I cannot live without sex.

We still don’t do it twice a day (though we have a few times), it probably settled out to about 3 times a week now, which I can compromise to.

I don’t subscribe to the notion that a wife or a husband shouldn’t feel they have to have sex with their partner. I think they SHOULD. After all, when I made my marriage vows, I promised to be with my husband and him alone for the rest of our lives. Therefore I feel that we have a mutual responsibility to satisfy each other’s sexual needs.

So what to do?...

1. Start by seeking help. Go to your GP explain the problem.
2. Be more open to the idea of being turned on. In other words, let him try to turn you on. Ask for more fore play.
3. Ensure the mood is correct...go out for a meal, have a romantic walk etc
4. The more you have sex, the more you feel like it.
5. Compromise...whilst setting dates to have sex is hardly spontaneous, saying we'll do it on Saturday and Wednesday this week, takes the pressure off the other days, so you can hold hands and cuddle without it leading anywhere.
6. Ensure he is doing his fair share around the house, so you have more time and feel less pressure e.g. I’m going to take a shower wink, wink, so you can clean the dishes and pop the washing in while you’re waiting...big smile.

Unless the relationship is physically, verbally or emotionally abusive in other ways...I don’t believe complaining to your partner about lack of sex wrong. In fact it’s a warning sign. They aren’t happy. Lack of sex is like an ache and the pain you feel as a rejected partner is real. No one should belittle that.

Good luck OP. Hope it all works out for you.

Sorry, hadn’t read all your updates. Only you know how possessive he is, but that does need to stop.

He notices every little thing. He notices the last time I'd been online on facebook/WhatsApp. Notices if the iPad has moved to one room from another. Notices things in the bin and when they've been eaten

Yeah.... this would be too much for me. His paranoia is a big issue and quite frankly as you dont share a child, I'd just end it.

He's not worth it.

@wearywithteens

My house is pristine...a little everyday keeps it spotless. Never let it get out of hand is my advice.
I work 7.30am to 3.30pm Monday to Friday. Plenty of time for a couple of quickies and a proper sesh at bedtime. However, as I said, I’ve compromised at around 3 times a week as I do believe compromise is important and fair.

I object to your accusation of sexual slavery. That’s not fair. If I’ve agreed to have sex with one person for the rest of my life, then that person saying ‘no’ is cruel. If you don’t want sex with your partner any longer or very infrequently, then let them go or have an open marriage. Don’t expect someone else to give up something important to them, just because you don’t feel like it any more. Sex to me is up there with food. I’d rather have sex than a meal any day.

You don’t have a sex drive problem you have a dp problem.

I had a ridiculously low sex drive with my exdp. He used to constantly tell me there was something wrong with me because he wanted sexual more than me and I must be asexual.

I genuinely thought there was something wrong with me and I was weird for not wanting it every day. What I didn’t consider was that he was no help with the children, he was constantly running up debts, gaslighting me, and a lying obnoxious prick to be honest I just didn’t realise at the time.

And let’s be honest who can get aroused every day for someone who makes you feel pressured into having sex with them and sulks if you don’t.

I eventually separated from my ex dp, and I’m with someone new now and my sex drive is really good despite having another dc in the mix because there isn’t the constant pressure to perform as it were and the dynamics of the relationship are totally different

You're in the middle of a situation so bad I don't think you can see it clearly. His behaviour is coercive control. He is pressuring you into having sex using emotional manipulation. You need to end this relationship. In my opinion no, him seeking help changes nothing. It's too late. Good luck OP, you can get past this.

DBML shes already said they have sex most days, but she feels guilty and shit that there is the occasional day she doesnt feel like it.
This isnt someone with a low sex drive

Nothing bloody wrong with you OP except you are too much of a people pleaser. You need to work out why hes pushing your boundaries , just because it makes him feel more manly

OP how much do you think this relationship is affecting yours with your toddler - he hardly sounds like decemt step father material if he is so self absorbed and it is causing you to be anxious

You have no ties in this - relationships should not be like this. WALK AWAY

He is threatening you with his constant demands for sex, controlling and jealous behaviour. This is very clearly an abusive relationship, he doesn’t have to be physically violent to make it abusive.

Please OP, do yourself a huge favour and get rid of this man,set him free to concentrate on his counselling and his DD. This is really toxic behaviour and you and your D.C. should not be caught up in it.

People have different sex drive, some of them can want sex often and some of them really rare, and that's ok. Did you consult with your doctors about this? Got tested? If this problem appeared not so long ago, it can be a sign of some hidden illness, for example hormonal imbalance and it can be treated for changing your situation.
For example, in case of women it's often connected with low testosterone. It has many other symptoms like sluggishness, fatigue, weak libido, various problems with sleep, irregular menstrual cycles, weight gain and many more. In all these cases there's usually a need for prescription for low T treatment, sometimes the medical treatment is the most helpful for this, however you can try some natural methods too.
There are also many natural methods for increasing your sex drive in general. They're for example eating more fruits, chocolate and herbs (like garlic or basil), correcting your sleep habbits, reducing your general level of stress and many more www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323918.php .

OP, this isn't a sex problem.

It's a relational problem, and he's using sex to try and solve it.

It sounds like he is insecurely attached. That comes from childhood, and not your relationship. He is using sex as a means of validating closeness because he is terrified of losing you. This is not your responsibility, nor is it reflective of reality. Instead, he is replaying the past.

He has to sort this out himself. Any attempt on your part - or accusation on his that you're part of the problem - is just another way to avoid the pain of self-reflection in a therapeutic process. Because self-reflection will be painful. And he's the only one who can do it.

He needs to stick with therapy for your relationship to stand a chance. Otherwise he'll just be replaying something that's probably all-too-familiar to him: coercing loved ones to stay out of the fear of abandonment.