How do people move on so fast?

[PiperRepeater]

I see threads started by posters who have come out of long term relationships and marriages, and are 6-12 months down the line and already dating or in new (serious) relationships and it baffles me.

I split up with my ex just over a year ago and can't even contemplate the idea of dating anyone, let alone love/live together/marriage, for as far as I can see in my future.

I have grieved the past relationship and accepted my new life, so it's not like I am clinging onto misguided hope or anything. I just can't fathom the idea of venturing myself into a position where I am vulnerable like that again. I cannot understand how people just leap straight into it without a care.

Honestly not judging, just wondering why I am the odd one out.

(NC'd for privacy)

Some people can't cope with being on their own, some can compartmentalise their feelings (close the box and move on) and there are many other reasons. Each to their own I guess but I have to say that I like a bit of time on my own when a relationship ends to get to know what I want and am what I'm looking for going forwards.

I had checked out of our relationship before it ended to be honest. He clearly had as well -we hadn’t even been divorced 2 years before he married his 2nd wife. I have a sneaking suspicion he moved straight out of our house and in with her.

Some people appear to feel incomplete unless they are in a relationship. I feel smothered and irritated in a relationship so post divorce am happy to shag around but certainly will not be chasing another relationship. Each to one's own.

Some people can't cope with being on their own, some can compartmentalise their feelings (close the box and move on) and there are many other reasons.
Ah, yes, I am equally confused about those people who cannot be alone. It seems so needy, but at the same time, almost belittles the relationships as 'disposable'? (Does that make sense?)

I have to say that I like a bit of time on my own when a relationship ends to get to know what I want and am what I'm looking for going forwards.
I think I know what I want, but can't bring myself to feel like I am ready to try and get it.

I had checked out of our relationship before it ended to be honest.
My ex had too (so he says) but was putting up a fantastic act of being happy and content with where our life was going, right up till the day he ended it.

To me the idea of not being able to even contemplate a new relationship a year after a break up seems a long time to still be living with that fear. I admit I have always moved on very quickly (possibly to quickly at times), but it sounds like your ex has left you very afriad of being hurt after your last relatonship.

Some of us think life is too short, some of us don't want to let the past dictate the future. Some of us just meet someone new, sooner than expected.

You're not the odd one out. I wouldn't contemplate less the 12 months between relationships (anything longer than about 6 months anyway). Who needs the stress? Plus you want the time to enjoy being single, surely!? There are so many perks.

It took me about 6 months from leaving my ex to meeting my husband. I had dated someone else in between too but that wasn't serious. It's not that I was afraid to be alone as I've had periods of being a single parent and I liked it, but I felt ready to move on.
I was never in love with my ex so was ready. I got over it very quickly and was glad he was gone. If things ended with my husband I don't think I would want anyone else ever, or at least a very very long time so I can see both sides.

I was married to my ex husband for 14 years, together 18 and I started dating again (for the first time) 6 months after separating.

I probably wasn’t really ‘ready’ for another 3 months but I was buggered if he was having the time of his life with his younger woman (who he had an affair with) when he didn’t have the kids and I was moping around on my own.

I am not afraid to be alone (my ex definitely is) and have spent more time on my own then with someone in the last 16 months and actually enjoy it but it’s nice to have someone to go out for drinks with when all my friends are married and settled down.

It depends on what you’re looking for and your breakup I guess as to how soon is too soon. I’m certainly not looking to move in with anyone/have more kids and the guy I am dating knows I like my independence.

To me the idea of not being able to even contemplate a new relationship a year after a break up seems a long time to still be living with that fear. I admit I have always moved on very quickly (possibly to quickly at times), but it sounds like your ex has left you very afriad of being hurt after your last relatonship.
Totally. I kind of fell into that one after a (almost) lifetime of being single, so I guess I didn't have the resilience of previous less serious relationships starting and ending to bounce off. Until the day he dropped the bomb, I (and everyone we knew) were assuming we were in it for good.

Some of us think life is too short, some of us don't want to let the past dictate the future.
I admire people with this positive mental attitude. I think I am the opposite side of the coin - cautious and not willing to take that gamble in case it goes wrong.

Plus you want the time to enjoy being single, surely!? There are so many perks.
See above. Being in that relationship was (brilliant) the exception to an adult lifetime of being single. There's enjoying it as a novelty and then there is just it being normal. Normal does = safe though, so don't think I am dissing it!

Sometimes things happen unexpectedly. I started seeing my current oh just a few months after the breakdown of my previous relationship but honestly that relationship had been dead for a long time and I/we were just going through the motions. If you have already distanced yourself emotionally then it can feel like you've been single longer iykwim.

That aside, I don't think there should be set time regulations on starting a new relationship. Why miss out on a good opportunity just because the required time period of singlehood hasn't passed yet? As long as you feel happy and move things at a sensible pace I really don't see the problem.

My and my oh have been together two years and are very happy. But I've also been happy during my single years too as it's a great time to discover yourself and be a bit selfish.

Im glad you posted this as I totally agree. Im gonna go a step further though as ive seen people moving on WEEKS after a relationship as ended. I just dont get how people do it. Its taken me 2 years to consider dating again!

I also think any amount of time after the end of a relationship is better than starting another one while still in one, which is what happened to me.

I’m totally with you OP. I personally find relationships and men exhausting and extremely hard work.

Some people are just pretty good at dusting themselves down and moving on with their lives pretty quickly.

I’m someone who tends to move on pretty sharpish. My current partner of nearly three years I met two weeks after my ex broke up with me. It was his decision so it’s not like I was the one to slowly come to terms with it before it was finalised. But as soon as we split up, within literally a day or so I realised he was right to end it because we had no future and were incompatible. I wanted kids and he didn’t basically. We’d been together a few years.

I moved to a new city straight away and decided to download tinder as a way of getting back out there and meeting new people, as well as developing new friendships in other ways. I had no intention of starting any kind of relationship but thought it’d be fun to see what it was like to date again, meet a few people for coffee, explore the city. And I happened to meet my OH. I liked him straight away but we took it relatively slow and waited a couple of months to officially get together (well, we thought that was slow because we were crazy about each other really fast but tried to put the reins on!). He was a bit wary of course as I was only recently single, but I was genuinely over my ex because I knew we had no future and the way he left me was so cowardly I lost all respect straight away and just mentally moved on.

And that’s how it’s usually gone tbh, become single, wait a few weeks, go on some dates for fun and just to get back out there and feel what it’s like to be single again, and sometimes end up meeting someone unexpectedly where it just clicks and it develops into something more. I’m a very practical determined person and once a relationship is over I’m not one to sit and mope, I have a few days or a week to lick my wounds but usually cut contact and throw myself into the practicalities of moving and building a different life on my own, as we all do after a split. Even when I’ve been really hurt I think the easiest way to move on and heal is to keep busy and throw yourself into your friends and hobbies and personal development and dating again is just part of that.

It’s nothing to do with feeling uncomfortable being single, I’ve been single for a stretch of 18m at one point and really enjoyed it. I understand some people feel they need to get to know who they are again before dating but for me I don’t really lose myself with a partner and I’m comfortable with who I am and so I don’t feel I need time single to ‘get to know myself and what I want’. I know who I am and what I want, whether I’m single or coupled doesn’t really change that.

I know some people who are still hurting from or pining after exes from years ago and that’s okay and normal too. Everyone is different. I just don’t see any reason to impose an arbitrary cooling off period after a relationship before exploring dating again, dating is fun and a good way to meet people and have a good time. It’s just often worked out where I’ve met someone amazing quite quickly after a relationship ends and then it’s developed if that makes sense. I wouldn’t see the point in holding off from dating for months or years even after a terrible break up. It may seem crazy that I could get over my ex within a week and be in a good place to start dating but I know from friends I’m not alone in being like that. Plus it’s not like you set out looking for marriage to happen ASAP or anything. Dating has no guarantees it’s just an opportunity to meet someone and I’ve had plenty of dates that didn’t go anywhere, but when you meet someone incredible it’d be stupid to pass up on exploring it further just because you only became single a short while ago.

Some people have affairs and overlap and people don’t usually question how they are able to move on quickly but there’s a lot of judgment for some reason around people who don’t stay single long.

The more I read your comments, the more I think my mindset is largely due to my lack of relationship history (I am not kidding when I say it was the only "proper" relationship I have ever had, and as far as I knew, we were both planning to get old with each other).

I have no prior experience to look back on and see that I will bounce back and be able to love someone else. Or to have rubbed off my "rough edges" earlier. Or to even have actually dated (the thought of it terrifies me).

So here I am nudging 45 with one failed major relationship to my name. Odds are not great for me to get over my hangups when the alternative is easier, kinder (safer) and something I already knew how to do.

Thanks all, you've helped me understand something that I don't think I had explicitly realised before now

I think it’s such a personal thing that it’s impossible to compare to other people. For me, I was with my ex husband 11 years, no children and I’m under 30 so over the last year have spent a fair amount of time out socialising and meeting people (not dating, I just mean out and about) and had no interest in anyone..

When my marriage broke down a year ago (his decision, not mine) I couldn’t imagine ever being with anyone else but unexpectedly a few months ago someone I’ve known quite a while made contact and we’ve been dating, I’m taking things slow but it’s going well.

It’s funny though, my ex met someone 3 weeks after leaving me and is already living with her yet his friends have made comments about the fact I’m already seeing someone... bizarre really!

I think the easiest way to move on and heal is to keep busy and throw yourself into your friends and hobbies and personal development and dating again is just part of that.
I don't really have friends - maybe 1-2 but neither live nearby so it's a special trip and has to be arranged in advance as they have families and children. Certainly nobody I can just hang out with off the cuff. But then I have always been quite a solitary/homebird figure.

My hobbies reflect that (either I do them because I'm solitary or my solitaryness made the attractive to me!)

It’s nothing to do with feeling uncomfortable being single, I’ve been single for a stretch of 18m at one point and really enjoyed it
That made me laugh - not nastily - more in that it's phrased as if 18m is a completely outrageous time to be single, well worthy of note.

Well I think there are both positive and negative reason for doing both.

Some people jump straight back in or don't because they either can't be alone or were so dependent on the partner who they are no longer with that they don't have the resilience to cope let alone find someone else. So they can't move on or do very quickly in either scenario unhealthily so.

Others do move on or don't not because they didn't care about the relationship or are too broken to find someone new but because their self esteem is healthy enough and there content with themselves as a parson that they are fine without the partner or ready to move on quickly because while sad they didn't need the person they aren't with anymore. So they move on quickly or don't but in a healthy way.

I'm in the 2nd group. I love my Dp, I want to share my life with him but I don't need him. if it ended tomorrow I'd be fine, sad obviously but fine. I probably wouldn't want another long term relationship but through choice rather than not feeling ready or able to connect to another person. Saying that though I wouldn't just close the door forever to another serious relationship either.

Does any of that make sense? Or am I waffling shit

I’ve been single for ten years. Every person I know who has split up in that time has met someone else and remarried and had one or two more children. Every Single One. Some of them were so unhappy, yet they were in new, serious relationships within months. I think people must prioritise meeting a new partner in a way that I never have. Surely they must really work at it? I’ve got two children and their father is a dip shit who barely saw them for years and I had no decent alternative childcare. Not really many options or opportunities for me to meet someone new.

I’ve been single for 3 years now, just about coming round to the idea of meeting someone. I was single for 2 years before my last relationship.

Since we split up, ex has been married, had a baby, divorced and is now living with his next partner. Utter madness!

I've been the person who moves on too quickly and also been single a few years at a time. I did both for the wrong reasons, and I think the healthiest is somewhere in the middle.

That made me laugh - not nastily - more in shock that it's phrased as if 18m is a completely outrageous time to be single, well worthy of note

Oh! I didn’t mean it in the sense of ‘see? I’ve been single for aaaaaaages at a time!’ as you’re quite right imo that eighteen months isn’t that long to be single. It’s not noteworthy due to its length, I was just making the point that my tendency to move on quickly isn’t because I can’t be or hate being single and I don’t always meet someone new immediately (which would be a bit odd as it’d mean I’d had amazing luck every time or I was settling for anyone who happened to come along).

But other than that eighteen months, I’ve not been single longer than about two or three months in the fifteen years since I started dating. Not to say I’ve always ran into a new serious thing, sometimes it’s been that I’ve met someone and dated exclusively for 3-6 months but then it’s not worked out. But yeah, I’ve been romantically active fifteen years and had

A seven month relationship
Then a four year relationship
Then a six months relationship
Then a two year relationship
Then a six months relationship
Then a three year relationship
Then a three years and counting relationship 😂

And the eighteen month stretch in amongst that.

I certainly think it’s the case that the more times you have relationships the more you learn and the more quickly and easily you bounce back because you have prior experience of moving on to draw from. My most painful breakup absolutely slayed me and was the single most painful thing I’d ever experienced. It was the first time someone left me. Even harder and more excruciating than losing my mother. My most recent one? Yeah I loved him and we had a great relationship until the incompatibility surfaced over the last few months, but I knew the pain would end and what to do to move through it as smoothly as possible, so I did all of that and it worked.

I’ve also been fairly promiscuous in my life, ish, so maybe that helps too. I don’t necessarily always see sex as something that has to be more meaningful than just pleasure. So I guess I’ve had plenty of experience meeting guys and dating and flings and whatnot and I know there are many, many fish in the sea.

I was in exactly the same position, when my marriage ended at 45 he had been the only relationship worthy the name at all. And it ended horribly and I wasn't ready at all for a year.

However, after a year I really fancied a fling. I had lost weight, bought new clothes, got more exercise, had a nose job (medically necessary but also looked much nicer) and been doing more socialising - but really fancied a bit of couple socialising and was curious to do some of the experimenting I'd totally missed out on when younger. That mixture of improved confidence, wanting some fun and sexual curiosity is what made me go online dating.

I wasn't looking for a new long-term partner, though. The first guy I was with (just over a year) claimed that he would like to marry me. I guessed correctly that it was all just hot air, but I remember thinking "no way", even though I was really keen on him. The second time I went out dating, I told the bloke at the start that I wasn't looking to move in with anyone, and as it turned out, we were totally on the same page. To be honest I thought it would be a summer fling, but we've been "dating" 2 years. No plans at all to move in or anything. I'd be happy to just date permanently right now!

It's nothing to do with fear or anything; I am just really enjoying having my own place, and my own time after 20 years with my ex.

I was in exactly the same position, when my marriage ended at 45 he had been the only relationship worthy the name at all. And it ended horribly and I wasn't ready at all for a year.

However, after a year I really fancied a fling. I had lost weight, bought new clothes, got more exercise, had a nose job (medically necessary but also looked much nicer) and been doing more socialising - but really fancied a bit of couple socialising and was curious to do some of the experimenting I'd totally missed out on when younger. That mixture of improved confidence, wanting some fun and sexual curiosity is what made me go online dating.

I wasn't looking for a new long-term partner, though. The first guy I was with (just over a year) claimed that he would like to marry me. I guessed correctly that it was all just hot air, but I remember thinking "no way", even though I was really keen on him. The second time I went out dating, I told the bloke at the start that I wasn't looking to move in with anyone, and as it turned out, we were totally on the same page. To be honest I thought it would be a summer fling, but we've been "dating" 2 years. No plans at all to move in or anything. I'd be happy to just date permanently right now!

It's nothing to do with fear or anything; I am just really enjoying having my own place, and my own time after 20 years with my ex.