How do people move on so fast?

[PiperRepeater]

I see threads started by posters who have come out of long term relationships and marriages, and are 6-12 months down the line and already dating or in new (serious) relationships and it baffles me.

I split up with my ex just over a year ago and can't even contemplate the idea of dating anyone, let alone love/live together/marriage, for as far as I can see in my future.

I have grieved the past relationship and accepted my new life, so it's not like I am clinging onto misguided hope or anything. I just can't fathom the idea of venturing myself into a position where I am vulnerable like that again. I cannot understand how people just leap straight into it without a care.

Honestly not judging, just wondering why I am the odd one out.

(NC'd for privacy)

Some of us think life is too short, some of us don't want to let the past dictate the future. Some of us just meet someone new, sooner than expected.

This

I am 10 years on from my split and have no desire to look for a man. I am lucky, in that a friend and I house share together after our XHs did the dirty on us both and it has worked really well. But I went into my marriage 'till death us do part' and he went into it until he got bored. I was his second wife. He went on to marry again, and she has thrown him out, too.

One of my colleagues has just not long started a new relationship after finding her husband was interfering with his daughters. She didn't rush into anything, but it was almost all she talked about and now she has met this man, he is all she talks about. I admire her ability to trust after what happened, but she hasn't even started divorce proceedings against her ex. I do think you need to properly finish one relationship before you start another.

I think the important thing to remember is that everybody has had different experiences and has a different timeline....... There is no set period which you should or shouldn't be on your own for.

This is my longest period of being single now in my adult life as I've been in 3 serious LTR most of my 20s and 30s.

I'm enjoying being on my own and doing my own thing. I've worked very hard on working out what it is I want from a new relationship, I've chosen badly in the past and this is giving me the breathing space to not just settle.

I have been on several dates and everytime I meet someone new it teaches me something new about what I want (or don't!). My first couple of dates I had taught me that I needed to do a lot of work on myself.

But everyone is different and I think the moment you stop comparing yourself to other people you have amazing freedom, do what you want to do and whatever feels right..... Also, allow yourself to be happy 😻 and do things only when you are ready to x

It happens when ppl dont cope well with being alone.

Also when they've checked out of the relationship way before the official end.

Also where ppl are dumped and do it to prove to the dumper, they are desirable and other men/women want them. Kind of like a fu*k you.

I think it just depends on a lot. If I’ve ended a relationship I tend to move on quite quickly. If I’ve had my heartbroken I wouldn’t get into anything serious but might look at having fun and something casual.

It’s really dependant in circumstances.

🤔 OP you come across rather judgmental to me. Not everyone goes looking for someone knew because they’re incapable of being alone 😡 or have some huge personality flaws.

I broke up with my ex fiancé and met my DH a few weeks after. I was VERY aprehensive as I wasn’t looking for a new partner but suddenly there he was and I either gave it a chance or I didn’t.

I’ve been single for years too so fully capable of being alone but to remain single for long periods just because an ex hurt you seems really counterproductive.

It's sort of the opposite, I want to date to prove to myself I don't need him, that someone still wants me! Nothing serious but a guy asking me out for a coffee yesterday did more for my self esteem than £200 worth of therapy! You still feel for your ex, in fact I want him back (he's 6m away in the spare room) but if he's determined to leave me I need to push myself to do new things.

It’s interesting reading this thread as I’ve been thinking this lately. A friend / ex fling from uni days (not seen in a while but keep in touch on social media) has been with a girl for around 4 years, when she died suddenly last year from a rare form of lung cancer. I know they were besotted with one another, and I do know she had been poorly off and on for a while but it was literally a few weeks of diagnosis to her passing so it was hard. He’s now in a new relationship less than a year on, and while they were both young, no kids etc. it’s been hard to understand how he could move on so quickly. Especially since the girl he is now with he has known for years too. To me it’s almost sullying his ex’s memory (stupid I know) but I suppose he is just seeking comfort.

but she hasn't even started divorce proceedings against her ex. I do think you need to properly finish one relationship before you start another.

I find this quite judgemental to be honest. I also haven’t started divorce proceededs yet and am dating. I have been separated 16 months and for the sake of our children, we decided when we separated to wait the 2 years to divorce so we can go ‘no fault’. It was entirely his fault as he decided to have an affair with a young whippet from his office but I am being the bigger person because my children are more important than me right now.

I don’t see why I should have to wait two years + to date when he gets to live the life of a young, single guy every other weekend.

As long as you are honest with whoever you date (and I am) then I don’t know why not being divorced yet makes you a bad person. I’m not looking to get married again anyway. He’s kind of ruined that for me.

I’ve been single for 7 years. After my last relationship ended badly I couldn’t countenance the idea of putting myself and my children in such a vulnerable position again.
I have now met someone I could see myself with but he’s at a much earlier stage of his single journey and I don’t think our timing is right :(

My "D"H left our family home last week for good, this was two months after he admitted an affair. Two kids, married for 8 years, been together 12 years. He admitted he plans to be in a relationship with the OW.

I think it is really unhealthy to move on so fast after such a serious LTR. He has the benefit of not having the children to look after so makes things much easier for him to do so.

I on the other hand, have the responsibility of the children but also know that I'm not capable of having anything other than a revenge fling right now. I'm looking forward to taking some time for myself but more importantly prioritising my two children who have been through a lot these last few months.

Its very interesting reading all these replies. My ex and I split after 20 years together. He was dating again within 6 months. I was still sobbing into my pillow every night at that stage! Not because I didn't want to divorce - it was mutually agreeable, very amicable and definitely the right thing - but because I felt a massive failure and totally overwhelmed at having all the responsibility of house and family, even if ex did take a huge financial pressure off by paying the mortgage in lieu of child maintenance.

I went on my first date about 18 months after we split and threw myself at the poor chap, absolutely certain that the only way I could attract anyone was by offering them sex. Needless to say it didn't work out! Started online dating 3 months after that and on my 3rd date met a lovely man who I have been seeing for 2 years. No plans to live together or get married - as far as I'm concerned I made my marriage vows to ex and won't be making any more.

Ex however is engaged and going to get married this year - less than 4 years after we ended our 20 year marriage! i don't get that.

oops posted too soon! My priorities are our 3 (young adult) children who live with me. I want them to have a home they feel they can come back to when they need to, and maybe once they have their own homes (and maybe families) I will be ready to move in with someone. But for now, the children are still my priority and I'm very lucky that my boyfriend agrees and is OK with it! (he had a really shitty divorce but no children)

I've been on both sides of the coin to this before. After my first LTR I stayed single for 8 years whilst being a single parent. I then met my ex-H and was with him for 10 years, we had a DD together. When we split we both met our next LTRs pretty quickly within a month! He is now married to his whereas mine broke down after 9 years. I'm 6 months out of that relationship and at present have no intention of looking for another one. I'd like a few years of being on my own to be honest and if it happens, it happens.

Sorry I meant to add that people move on quickly for a variety of reasons. You get those who are serial monogamists who can't bear to be on their own to those who can't bear to find anyone else due to being hurt. Personally I utterly regret moving on so quickly when my ex-H and I split. Nothing to do with wanting to get back with him as it was truly over, but I wish I'd had some time on my own..and wish I hadn't met my recent ex as I feel I wasted 9 years of my life with him.

Don't compare yourself to others- I feel similarly to you, I grief the loss of a relationship for very long, and the idea of dating anyone else repulses me and gives me anxiety.
But remember, everyone is different also in the way they grief and move on- I think not relying on a new person (like we do) can be healthier.
Accept your rhythms.
Mia x

I did with my ex but it was me that ended the relationship. He wasn’t a nice person and I’d been trying for years to make the marriage work. By the end of the relationship I’d tried so hard, for so long that eventually I simply checked out of the marriage and had, in all intents and purposes been single for a lot longer than I’d actually been.

Part of ending up with someone else is being able to let go of the other person.
And letting go can be ridiculously hard if it wasn’t your choice.

I agree if you’re the one that checked out of the relationship then you’ll find it much easier to move on.

I felt rejected and I still do. Whilst I would like to meet someone I am scared of being rejected again, seeing as that person told me I was the only person in the world for them, and that made me feel happy and safe. So when it’s all taken away it is much harder than if you’re the person who chooses to walk away.

And some people are just much better at keeping the past in the past and not letting it affect them.
And some people are afraid of being alone.

But I wish I could move on easily. But I can’t. And I have to accept that’s part of my personality
My mum was single for 10 years after my dad left. Then she did meet someone in her 60s. They’re unbelievably happy. She was probably better off waiting.

I'm dating someone new (and have been for a couple of months), although my marriage only 'officially' ended (i.e. we only told other people) about 5 months ago. However, in actual fact, to me (and to my ex) our marriage was over long before that, maybe even by two or three years, we were just both too chicken to say it.

I've been seeing a counsellor, to ensure that I am in a good place, and she says that because I saw the whole end of my marriage, right from the start, as it were, I've had time to process things. It has taken the same amount of time as when other relationships end, it's just that most of it was done before we 'officially' separated, if that makes sense? So it seems quick, but it isn't.

I didn't start dating again to find another relationship, I was just hoping for some company, the odd evening out, and so on. However, I happened to meet someone that I just 'clicked' with, and I can't unmeet him. We're keeping things quiet at the moment, I wouldn't dream of making any mention of him to my children (nor him to his) or anything like that, particularly since mum and dad are relatively recently separated, as far as they are concerned anyway.

A year isn't that long, some people rush around into new relationships because they worry what people think of them being single or can't be alone. Don't worry about them or mark your life by them.

No one wants to think that they're the one who moved on fast, that they're the ones who healed before dating again... there's quite some defensiveness from this thread especially to the OP

Plenty of people choose the wrong person out of haste, I've done it too

I understand where you're coming from, my last relationship was my first serious one and I felt like that too. In my case, something happened that ended the relationship in my heart (for lack of a better phrase) so when the relationship ended properly few months later I'd done a lot of the grieving. I imagine that's quite common.

Also, when I started dating I was only planning to dip my toe in and build up my confidence with men again but I met my current boyfriend quite quickly. So although it happened in less time than I thought I would need it seemed daft to let the opportunity pass when it felt right.

What's with all the stuff about people having to rely/relying on other people ( men ) to get by ? Maybe they just want to have a companion , someone to do stuff with etc ...

What's with all the stuff about people having to rely/relying on other people ( men ) to get by ?

Yeah, I think people with that attitude are usually thinking in that way because it makes them feel better about their own approach if that makes sense? Like, for whatever reason they haven’t been able to move on from the past relationship or don’t want to, but it’s easier emotionally to frame it as ‘other people can’t bear to be single, therefore I’m this way because I’m stronger than them’ than acknowledging like you say that for a lot of people they’re perfectly happy single but also move on pretty quick, enjoy having some company.

Lots of people just prefer being in a relationship and there’s nothing wrong with that either. It doesn’t mean they settle for just anyone. It just means if they had the choice between being single for years on end or finding the right person they’d choose the latter. You can be happy single and also know that you’d like to be in a relationship with the right person :)

I'd say EVERYONE prefers being in a relationship. Unless you're particularly celibate or aromantic, the prospect of a good relationship is one that culture and also human tendencies make us desire

But it's not a binary, as this thread shows. You can stumble into the 'perfect' person right after a breakup, you can fear being alone and single (especially as society tells you that a single woman is a spinster, is lonely and a bit scary) so make an effort to hop between relationships, you can have trust issues and never love again, you can try to get back with your ex, you can swear off men...

There are so many options involved in a person's lives. The healthiest ones will be made when you are happy with yourself, it's so basic but it beats repeating. Plenty of people use relationships to plug their insecurities and feel good. It happens