How do people move on so fast?

[PiperRepeater]

I see threads started by posters who have come out of long term relationships and marriages, and are 6-12 months down the line and already dating or in new (serious) relationships and it baffles me.

I split up with my ex just over a year ago and can't even contemplate the idea of dating anyone, let alone love/live together/marriage, for as far as I can see in my future.

I have grieved the past relationship and accepted my new life, so it's not like I am clinging onto misguided hope or anything. I just can't fathom the idea of venturing myself into a position where I am vulnerable like that again. I cannot understand how people just leap straight into it without a care.

Honestly not judging, just wondering why I am the odd one out.

(NC'd for privacy)

raven I get that experimenting thing. I was with my ex husband for 18 years, before that I was with someone else for over 2 years and before that my ex husband again for 2 years and that takes me to 16 years old. There were a couple of others but at the age of 40 I had a grand total of 4 previous sexual partners. There’s nothing wrong with that and would have happily taken that for a faithful marriage but it wasn’t (on his part).

When we separated I was curious to experiment a bit as I don’t feel I did that before settling down. I haven’t gone crazy but I’m having a lot of fun and my eyes have been opened

Ah, yes, I am equally confused about those people who cannot be alone. It seems so needy, but at the same time, almost belittles the relationships as 'disposable'? (Does that make sense?)

I wouldn't say disposable. But I dont think every relationship has to be a forever relationship.

I met my now dp 10 days after leaving exh. Although I fancied him and my marriage had been over a while when we split, it took us over a year to actually get together. Because I didnt want a relationship. We did remain friends though.

I imagine, if you ex has used the 'checked out a long time ago' line, then you may feel it's a bit of a kick in the teeth.

But it was exactly that for me. I was unhappy for a long time. Exh was quite abusive. Not violent but good at controlling my actions. But he couldnt control the fact I no longer loved him.

I enjoyed being single. But not enough to give it a go with dp. If me and dp break up, I womt regret it. He has brought a lot of good into my life and that's enough. If it's not meant to be forever, its not.

I was married for 15 years. I thought that would be forever. But given his behaviour I have no guilt or regret over walking away.

I think forever relationship is very hard to find. And those that 'just knew he/she was the one' and turn out to be right, are lucky rather than they actually did know.

Plenty of people 'just know' and are wrong. You have no idea what life throws at you, how you change, how they will change etc. All that impacts relationships long term. So its impossible to tell if its forever or not. But I dont think all relationships have to be, to be worth while or taking the risk.

@putthatlampshadeonyourhead I couldn’t agree with you more. I thought my ex husband was ‘the one’ and so did everyone else. I’m sure he did once...but turns out he wasn’t. I’ll never go into a relationship again thinking that but will enjoy it for the time it lasts.
Despite what my ex did to me, I have no regrets. He was my everything for over 20 years and we have two beautiful children together. How could I regret that?

So here I am nudging 45 with one failed major relationship to my name. Odds are not great for me to get over my hangups when the alternative is easier, kinder (safer) and something I already knew how to do.
I don't consider myself as having been in a "failed" relationship. The first lasted bloody ages and produced two lovely children. The second was brief but great fun. I'm a naturally pessimistic kind of a person but I refuse to call myself a failure just because I didn't last it out with one man until one of us died. Most people don't.

If you haven't tried it, and can afford it, I'd recommend counselling. Just for you. I found it really helpful.

Everyone’s different, OP, and each one will have their own reasons for moving on quickly or not.
I haven’t moved on. It’s 28 years since I was widowed, and I still love and miss my late DH. He was my soulmate, and I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s irreplaceable.
His granny was the same - she was widowed for 50 years, remained single to her death at 93, and was still re-reading his old love letters the year she died. She commented then that she must be a poor Christian as she didn’t “much mind about meeting God - but I do want to see my husband again!”
I know exactly how she felt.

Every person I know who has split up in that time has met someone else and remarried and had one or two more children.
I know people who have met, married, had kids, split up AND repeated the whole thing in the time I have been single! I don't know anyone my age (in my life) who isn't in some form of LTR /marriage/family. I am the only one who isn't capable of that.

I’ve been single for 3 years now, just about coming round to the idea of meeting someone. I was single for 2 years before my last relationship.
Makes me feel a bit less of a loser to hear someone else say that.

I was just making the point that my tendency to move on quickly isn’t because I can’t be or hate being single and I don’t always meet someone new immediately
sorry for misunderstanding!

However, after a year I really fancied a fling
I don't want flings (did more than my fair share of shagging round when I was at uni). I want to share my life with someone. Basically I want the love and security of a LTR without the horrendous dating bit in the middle! I would also like the moon on a stick...

My life is pretty simple really. I go to work, come home, fuss the cats, keep my house nice, do my stuff, go and visit family. I am trying to really push myself out of my comfort zone in a couple of areas this year and I am progressing on that front. But I don't want high-octane excitement and a 100mph party hard lifestyle.

Ah, yes, I am equally confused about those people who cannot be alone. It seems so needy, but at the same time, almost belittles the relationships as 'disposable'? (Does that make sense?)

I’m sure you won’t mean it in this way, but this does come across a little sneery, as if you think it’s superior to only have a few relationships few and far between rather than a string without much of a break. When in reality both are fine. As mentioned in this thread, it doesn’t necessarily mean someone feels they ‘can’t be alone’. Plenty of people just enjoy being in a relationship if it’s with the right person even if they’re happy alone too.

It doesn’t remotely detract from how seriously someone takes their relationship, how quickly they move on. The two just aren’t correlated. It’s quite offensive to suggest someone sees relationships as disposable if they move on quickly. With my ex I was committed to him fully and ready to spend my life with him and wanted to get married and have a family. He didn’t, so we broke up. If he’d wanted the same things as me we’d probably still be together (not that I’m not thrilled we’re not in hindsight). I met OH two weeks later. That doesn’t mean my previous relationship was disposable. It means that if something isn’t working and it’s over I prefer to move on and look forward and enjoy my life instead of imposing an arbitrary moratorium on relationships, and in the course of that I got very lucky coming across my OH.

Needy, sees relationships as disposable... a bit of a leap.

I’ll never go into a relationship again thinking that but will enjoy it for the time it lasts.
That's the attitude I have now, too. I find it very liberating that I don't have to deliberately look for a "serious" relationship at my age. It might become serious/last a long time, it might not. It's also led me to choose partners I wouldn't have selected as a "good investment" - but they have turned out to be great. I realise I was stupidly biased before.

If you haven't tried it, and can afford it, I'd recommend counselling. Just for you. I found it really helpful.

I have and it was amazing. It got me through the very worst pits of grief by helping me put a name to what I was feeling and learning about "me, myself and I". I am a complete evangelist for therapy now.

Even so, that gashing pain of being told that no, you are not loved anymore, I've been pretending for ages still cuts me like a knife. I felt betrayed and like an absolute fool of a human to not even be able to warrant and earn that basic emotion from someone who'd previously told me I'd changed his world and we were going to deal with the world together.

You sound lovely OP and I’m sorry to hear you think of yourself as a loser sometimes, it really sounds like the reality is a million miles from that! But I reckon it can be really tough if you’d like to not be single but struggle with the idea or dating and are surrounded by relationships.

My best advice is to just get on with it and date! Set up a few profiles on dating sites. You shouldn’t compromise on your standards but remember that a date really is just a date. If you get chatting to someone try and meet fairly quickly, within a couple of weeks, or you might sink time and energy into something that falls flat the minute you meet. Going for coffee with a man on a date doesn’t mean you’re committing to anything, it’s just coffee. I reckon after a few you’ll start gaining confidence and feel more natural, and it’ll help you develop yourself too.

I’m sure you won’t mean it in this way, but this does come across a little sneery, as if you think it’s superior to only have a few relationships few and far between rather than a string without much of a break

I absolutely didn't mean it like that and I'm sorry it has come across so. As I commented earlier, I have no experience to refer back to, so for one, take anything I say about relationships with a barrel of salt , but looking on as an observer, I do find those people who can't be alone odd. Probably because I have spent so much time alone and got on with it, so to me that seems very easy and it feels almost frivolous to get involved with someone else and their heart and their emotions, just because you can't deal with yourself for 5 minutes. (Oh dear. I think I am just digging a deeper hole by trying to explain...)

On a more macro level, your comments are really interesting, as they hark back to something I identified in counselling about how I perceive people's actions and responses. It's not for this thread, but suffice to say it's very deep food for thought for me personally, so thank you.

I want the love and security of a LTR without the horrendous dating bit in the middle!
I can't say I found the dating bit unpleasant, probably for that reason, that I wasn't taking it at all seriously.
I don't believe in the security of a LTR any more tbh. Sounds a bit horrible to say that you "can't trust anyone", but actually, what really hurt me at the end of my marriage was the fact that I had trusted my ex, and thought that him betraying my trust was the most horrible thing that could happen - some kind of reflection on my character or something. Now I realise that actually, it's pretty normal for people to go off one another, and I'm less focused on the idea of security and trust.

I don't want high-octane excitement and a 100mph party hard lifestyle.
Oh yeah, that's me . No, actually, it's the opposite of me. But I do like to go out dancing occasionally, or the pub, and have a day out with someone I like. I'm better at doing those things with a partner, rather than a female friend or in a group.

Now I've slept with a grand total of 3 men I'm feeling pretty experienced and like I've done the whole "experimenting" thing . I'm not a natural shagger-around. But the men I've been with so far have all been so different, and I've done different, interesting things with each, learning about their worlds. If it doesn't work out with the current guy I'd probably take a bit of a break to have some time off from my busy social life - seeing him twice a week is time-consuming - but I'd still be curious to get to know more men.

I don't see any of these relationships as disposable, either.

I don't believe in the security of a LTR any more tbh.
For better or worse, I am clinging onto the possibility of long-lasting love. I have to, otherwise there really is no point (for me) and I may as well open up the cat sanctuary now.

I suppose that is why I don't see the "point" in short term relationships (and I know you and others have told me quite forcefully that you don't share my beliefs here, so I am not saying I am right, just what I feel). It's just setting myself up to feel shit when it ends. Why would I want to feel like that again (it nearly did for me last time)? Or make someone else feel like it.

I'm just like a bloody Disney character pining for someone to love me so I can love them back! Honest to god, if you knew me at work or out and about you would NEVER think I was the same person as I am here.

But the point is, you don’t know if something is going to be a short or long term relationship when you enter it. No-one knows. You can hope but look how many marriages fail...most of those couple e thought that was it for them when they got married.
You can’t let that stop you from tipping your toe in again though and just enjoying someone’s company and seeing where it goes.

It's OK Piper, we can all see and experience it different ways, no problem :)

I guess for me, the first "fling" was quite helpful, as I wasn't expecting it to last, and I don't think he was either. I ended it nicely as he didn't live nearby, and kept saying he was about to move closer, but didn't. I was mildly disappointed, so was he, but we have kept in touch, met a couple of times and just had a laugh. All very adult and non-dramatic.

But the hope needs to be there for me.

By which I mean if (!!) I ever managed to force myself onto Tinder etc, and someone was upfront and honest about only being interested in a NSA fling or short term thing, I wouldn't want to meet them even if I thought they were otherwise god's gift to all of womankind. It's not fair on either of us.

The first guy felt significant to me as we really had a good laugh together, and I'd not had such good fun in ages, so I have very fond memories.

The current guy unexpectedly turned out to be really decent, a bit of a cynic like me, a bit weird but in a good way. He's had multiple short-term relationships and flings over his life, and I know that as long as I treat him decently I could break up with him without breaking him. I would trust him to dump me kindly, too. And even if he didn't, I don't think it could possibly be as crap as it was with my exh!

The profiles I saw online were of three basic varieties. Some said openly that they were only looking for sex/fun - fair enough, thanks for being honest. Some said they were looking for a long-term relationship. Others said that they were open to whatever came.

I did wonder how the ones only looking for a long-term relationship would fare. I mean, you don't know it's long-term until you've been together for ages, do you? You can't sue someone for misrepresentation if they say they're looking for a long-term thing but it only lasts a year :)

I think it’s such a personal thing that it’s impossible to compare to other people

Totally agree. I’m like you OP but, we’re all different

4 years for me. A large part of that has been lack of opportunity to meet anyone, ex only has DCs once a week.
I also don’t know where to begin.

It can depend entirely on the relationship as well, I knew for a while mine was over before he moved out, that was last weekend and tonight ex 1 is staying over.

It depends on the individuals views on sexual activity too, I so far would only have sex with ex 1 and he is the only person I’ve had sex with so far, but I’ll happily do anything else with someone I fancy on a night out.

You stuff the feelings down and call that 'moving on.' You let your guard down and yellow and red flags pass because you want someone, anyone. You rebound, you're not that picky

And I'm just describing the ways I have acted in the past. Thinking I was putting myself out there but really just desperately seeking the next man to validate me and holding on

And sure it's personal but everyone needs a stretch of time in their adult life to be alone & live with that. That lesson has been coming and coming back to me, no matter how much I ignore it.

I would feel it was very suspicious if a prospective partner hasn't had at least 6 months alone at any time in his adult life from dating/being in a relationship. Because that is someone who uses one relationship to launch into the next without thinking and can't be alone

And if you can't be alone, why would I want to be with you alone?

I completely understand your point of view, however I came out of a 9 year relationship and met my new partner very quickly. It was completely unintentional and I had planned to have "me time" for a while, but I met an amazing man completely organically and out of the blue.

Factors which I think helped are, being the one to end the relationship, having been very unhappy in the relationship for a while and meeting someone who makes me happier than I've ever been before.
Everyone has different factors, I hope you find your happy, what ever that looks like for you.

AsleepAllDay I'm sorry you have been so hard on yourself.

It was completely unintentional and I had planned to have "me time" for a while, but I met an amazing man completely organically and out of the blue.
Aha! I have a foolproof plan there, which is basically not go anywhere I might meet anyone new! Zero social life, and I already know everyone at work, my volunteering and the gym. So unless some new hottie starts working at the library (during a period of cuts/hiring freeze) I think I am safe!

I hope you find your happy, what ever that looks like for you.
For now I am happy with safe (from being emotionally hurt I mean, not any actual danger). I'll take that.

and to all for contributing thoughts on this thread, it's been genuinely eye opening for me.