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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and wife conversation. Is this OK??

89 replies

bananahead6 · 13/04/2019 17:51

Scenario...

Husbands shouts through to wife "can you check the oven in 10/15 mins till I pop to the shop for beans?"

Wife replies, "yeah, but what shop are you going to?" (asks because assumes it is just the wee shop across the road and won't take more than 5 mins)

DS replies "just the coop" (the one just across the road)

Wife replies "on well you won't be 15 mins" (just in a conversational style)

H replies "just check the stuff in ten minutes, I don't need any of your backchat".

What are your thoughts about this conversation?

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 13/04/2019 17:52

You’re micro managing, he’s rude.

Loopytiles · 13/04/2019 17:53

H rude.

Sarahlou63 · 13/04/2019 17:55

Wife should have just said 'OK'

Squeegle · 13/04/2019 17:55

He is rude

Chocolate35 · 13/04/2019 17:55

Backchat?! I expect my husband to speak to our children like that, not me. It’s quite patronising and rude.

Sculpin · 13/04/2019 17:56

H was very rude, but W was a bit irritating

NameChangeNugget · 13/04/2019 17:56

I think he sounds rude and she sounds annoying

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/04/2019 17:56

Only okay if dh said it with a smile and a laugh. If in any way serious I would be most unhappy with being spoken to like that.

Bluntness100 · 13/04/2019 17:58

I think they both sound annoying, why couldn't the wife just have said yes, it's hardly a big ask, and he shouldn't have said back chat, but Eas likely irritated by the wife wanting to not do even one simple task.

Thingsdogetbetter · 13/04/2019 17:58

Backchat? Are you twelve?

You are picking at him and he's rude, but I would have been too.

Luaa · 13/04/2019 17:59

Really depends on the tone of voice. If he was serious I'd be pretty pissed off. But I also wouldn't have told him he'd be back by then anyway.

Ginger1982 · 13/04/2019 18:04

Both as bad as each other.

catofaragon · 13/04/2019 18:06

I don't understand why the wife wouldn't have just said 'ok, no problem'.

Ribbonsonabox · 13/04/2019 18:07

Both sound like hard work and like they were already annoyed with each other before this exchange. I think when people have petty flare ups that seem to be about very little it's because theres more going on and they've lost quite a bit of goodwill towards each other.

Servalan · 13/04/2019 18:07

So much depends on context.

Is he constantly have my to deal with nitpicking and got irritated in an imperfect but human way? (The thing about not having to be gone the full 15 mins would have got on my tits tbh)

Is he generally a rude, grumpy escapee from the 1950s?

Was he being humourous?

Is this kind of exchange common?

‘Backchat’ isn’t a word I’d expect directed towards me by DP unless his tongue was firmly in his cheek..,

fluorescentorange · 13/04/2019 18:09

No way would my DH trust me to check the oven for him. Ours would go:
DH “Can you go shop to get beans?”
DW “Do I have to?”
DH “ Yes, and stop with your cheek lady!”
DW “ Sorry, what sort of beans do you want?”
Everyone is happy and fed😂
OP I think you need to calm down!

pallisers · 13/04/2019 18:09

backchat?? People talk to each other like that?

Original poster
bananahead6 · 13/04/2019 18:09

Fortunately it wasn't me. It was a conversation our friends had earlier and my H said she was a pain, and I said he was pig ignorant!

OP posts:
TheNavigator · 13/04/2019 18:10

They both sound pretty petty and unhelpful toward each other - not much goodwill in this marriage as another poster said.

-Why didn't the wife just say 'OK?'
-Why did the husband use the word 'backchat'?

Neither come out very well, to be honest.

FuriousVexation · 13/04/2019 18:12

Yes tone of voice is everything here.

If someone said that to me in a serious way they would definitely be getting a deliberately burned dinner.

If it was said seriously then to me that is actually quite chilling - it just speaks volumes about how he views the hierarchy of the relationship.

ConfusedDH · 13/04/2019 18:14

She is controlling, which if is a frequent flyer in the relationship would result in the husband's comment.

If it was out of the blue with no precedent, he's being rude, but for him to say that suggests it's not the first time he's felt 'monitored'.

I'd have replied, just to make a point "yeah, but I might end up chatting to a random and get distracted so just check the stuff in 10 mins if you would, or don't.... your call, but either way, I'll be back when I'm back without any time pressure thank you very much".

AskEvans · 13/04/2019 18:16

It sounds to me like the husband is quite used to being nitpicked by the wife. Wife - don't sweat the small stuff!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/04/2019 18:36

'She's controlling' FFS I am so sick to death of reading this. She replied in a normal way that he probably wouldn't be that long. I wish women would stop putting other women down by calling them controlling for having a normal conversation.

Servalan · 13/04/2019 18:50

I’d find her response controlling and nitpicking coming from a bloke too. Wouldn’t be impressed if my DP was that petty with me and I’d very likely say something rude:sarcastic back (not involving the word ‘backchat’ mind you!)

IncrediblySadToo · 13/04/2019 18:54

Blah blah...’You’ll be back by then anyway,,,’

‘Yeah probably, but just in case...’

🤷🏻‍♀️

If his ‘backchat’ comment was serious, it’s probably a relationship I wouldn’t be in any longer.