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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband and wife conversation. Is this OK??

89 replies

bananahead6 · 13/04/2019 17:51

Scenario...

Husbands shouts through to wife "can you check the oven in 10/15 mins till I pop to the shop for beans?"

Wife replies, "yeah, but what shop are you going to?" (asks because assumes it is just the wee shop across the road and won't take more than 5 mins)

DS replies "just the coop" (the one just across the road)

Wife replies "on well you won't be 15 mins" (just in a conversational style)

H replies "just check the stuff in ten minutes, I don't need any of your backchat".

What are your thoughts about this conversation?

OP posts:

pallisers · 13/04/2019 23:32

I'd be well fucked off if my husband stopped to tell me how long something should take etc when all I did was ask him to make sure something didn't burn if I wasn't back in 10mins. Esp if saying it 'light as pie' and smirking at his mate throughout.

She was smirking was she? Are you the husband?

Singay · 13/04/2019 23:34

Wife sounds irritating, husband sounds irritated.

pallisers · 13/04/2019 23:34

But agreed - it has nothing to do with the sexes in your case. You are clearly like the man in the OP.

Singay · 13/04/2019 23:36

Do we have to be involved in your domestic shit?

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 13/04/2019 23:37

Not surprised DH responded in that way. His wife sounds like a PITA, did she have to respond with a backhanded comment? Wouldn't of "ok see you soon" be perfectly fine?

ConfusedDH · 13/04/2019 23:44

She is effectively giving the husband a time limit, which puts pressure on him to be back in the expected time. This is not necessary and as others have said, a simple "Yeah, no problem" would've been all that was required.

It was an unnecessary exchange.

pallisers · 14/04/2019 00:49

Do we have to be involved in your domestic shit?

Do you have to be incapable of reading the thread?

Mind you, MN is an eye-opener for me why so many people fail simple comprehension reading tests.

pallisers · 14/04/2019 00:53

Not surprised DH responded in that way. His wife sounds like a PITA

This response is really interesting. The wife spoke in a particular way and the husband was really offensive but it isn't surprising because of what the wife said.

Does anyone think about why the wife said what she said? Maybe there is a reason? Investigate the back-story? Or is that just a thing that is important for men - why a woman made him say what he said.

RiversDisguise · 14/04/2019 01:47

I wpuld react like the husband here, yes. But it's a moot point as my husband would just help me without the nonsense.

I have a particular hatred for being held up with pointless chatter when I am heading out the door, too, so I would have said a lot worse.

MissPollyHadADolly19 · 14/04/2019 12:11

@pallisers or maybe she's a control freak? Maybe she's emotionally abusive and will pressure her DH into sticking to her time limits and guidelines? Maybe just MAYBE, the DH had enough of her bullshit and had a say for once.
I'd of said alot worse in his position, especially if it was a regular occurance I'd feel I was under survellienace or on trial.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 14/04/2019 12:18

The 'backchat' word was out of order.

But it would piss me off if dp couldnt just check the bloody oven if I am not back.

That's what it comes across like 'um no, why should I check it?'

I suspect this couples issues are ongoing and both wound up with the others behaviour.

Loopytiles · 14/04/2019 12:18

It can be annoying when adults seek others’ help for practical tasks they could easily do themselves, if this isn’t reciprocated. At home or work.

Men do this far more than women IME.

Some examples: colleagues who ask peers to book travel or arrange meetings or refreshments (when company policy is for everyone who doesn’t have a PA to do this ourselves).

A friend visiting a friend because she’s in the general area for a work event then asking her host Qs about transport or other practicalities, when the host doesn’t live or work in the location of the work event.

This is another. If the man often does small favours like this for his DW, fair enough. If, however, he often asks or expects her to do stuff for him and doesn’t reciprocate, easy to understand why his DW might have wanted him to manage his own baked beans!

DontCallMeDaisy · 14/04/2019 12:38

I'd have been her and he'd have been my ex.

He'd have agreed to sort out dinner for once but low and behold instead of being abke to just crack on with something else, he'd have to get me involved as he was incapable of sorting anything out himself.

He'd have gone out to get beans, taking three as long as he needed to. I'd have had to finish off the tea.

I might have said something along the same lines as she did, to let him know I know full well what he's doing. And he'd have said something along the same lines as he did cos he knew too.

Thank fuck we're divorced

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 14/04/2019 22:29

She's a pain, and it depends on the tone of 'backchat' if he was trying to diffuse the situation and make a joke I think it's ok (I roasted a chicken yesterday, car was meowing as i carved it, he knows when we have roast chicken for dinner so does he, I said to dcat 'excuse me mister, anymore of your backchat and there'll be no dinner tonight' firstly he's a cat and secondly there's no way I'd make him go hungry so clearly a joke) . If he meant it seriously it's odd who speaks like that?

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/04/2019 22:36

The responses on this thread are out of this world. He was saying he'd take more than 15 minutes to do a five minute job, which caused her to wonder, so she spoke that out loud.

Apparently that allows him to speak to her like shit on his shoe. He's a twat and all this bullshit about how she shouldn't dare to ask a question is pathetic.

5LeafClover · 14/04/2019 23:11

I would think that he wasn't very happy to be cooking that dinner and that they didn't like each other very much. And (since he told her off while she was talking to you) I would think that he didn't like me much either.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 15/04/2019 01:39

Christ, they deserve each other. Both rude and controlling.

CampfiresAndBeer · 15/04/2019 05:09

She was happy to check and only asked to clarify what shop he was going to

It was an unnecessary check.

He was obviously rude and patronising but there is a certain demographic of women who consider that men are a bit useless and "what would he do without me?"

My mother was one. Her partner's incompetence/inability to tidy up after himself/cook/use the washing machine was put down to the fact that, well men are actually just a bit useless. It's exactly the sort of thing she would have said, with a smile and an eyeroll, to highlight his incompetencies to an audience.

And when he did take resonsibility for something, householdwise, she would fuss and bussle and micromanage because he "couldn't be trusted" to do it on his own. "You know what men are like..."

She wanted to know which shop he was going to and advising him that 5 minutes would be enough.

He might have had a letter to post; a cigarette to smoke; fuel to put in the car; giving himself enough time to get it done...

The way he spoke to her was appalling but I think if I'd said I was going to the shop and I'd be 15 mins, I wouldn't appreciate someone else checking the details and correcting me. It's just not that important,

He was saying he'd take more than 15 minutes to do a five minute job, which caused her to wonder

But why though? Did it really matter? So what if he was back sooner than he expected? So what if he just took his time and ambled around for a bit. So what?

If the exchange happened exactly as the OP said, the woman should have just said, "ok". If a husband had asked what shop and corrected the time expectation, he'd be accused of being controlling.

barryfromclareisfit · 15/04/2019 05:13

So... nipping across the road for a can of beans takes five minutes. Where did he intend to be for the other ten?

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 15/04/2019 05:20

CampfiresAndBeer I think that's the main issue on this thread.

Insults such as women are trying to be 'cool' are being bandied about, because people can understand his irritation. And people should side with the woman. However, what these people dont realise is that our experiences can often impact our opinions.

But my mum was exactly the same as you describe. My mum used to like to cast my dad as useless to cement how important and needed she was.

She would demand to know where he was going to be and try and tell what order he should do his planned tasks in, how long something should take etc. All in a light, but patronising tone.

Dads far from useless. He would try and cook and do household tasks, all while mum told him he was doing things wrong, not left enough time for certain tasks etc.

He is actually retired now and she isnt. He does most of the household stuff and is great at it. He still wont com when she is in. He cooks before she gets home, she still makes comments about 'well, I would have done it this way....but you know men, they just cant plan/multitask/organise'.

That's why, I can totally believe that both of them were being arses. When you have lived in a house where the woman micromanage everything, you can see why he would get pissed off though his back chat comment was shitty.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 15/04/2019 05:22

So... nipping across the road for a can of beans takes five minutes. Where did he intend to be for the other ten?

Does it matter?

When did we start timing our partners? If dp timed my visit to the shop rather than just checking the oven, I would be pissed off too. Actually I would have said 'o, well you go to the shop and I'll keep an eye on the food instead then. That ok?

CampfiresAndBeer · 15/04/2019 05:39

So... nipping across the road for a can of beans takes five minutes. Where did he intend to be for the other ten?

Does it matter?

So what if he overestimated how long it would take? So what if he just wanted 10 minutes of quiet head time? So what?

What if he were just erring on the side of caution and it might have taken him 9 mins and 14 seconds.

It really, really, really, isn't that important.

catofaragon · 15/04/2019 08:01

I'm amazed by the responses. I assumed he asked because a 5 minute job can sometimes take a few mins longer than expected (bump into the neighbour, queue to pay in the shop etc) and if he wasn't back he wanted her to check on the food. All seems like a huge fuss about nothing to me.

barryfromclareisfit · 15/04/2019 08:41

Yes, of course it matters. To plan on fifteen minutes to pop over the road means he was doing something else also, and didn’t want to say. So what was that, then?

Flobochin · 15/04/2019 08:42

I think the wife sounded nagging.

He was probably fed up with the inquisition.

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