Baby alone or baby with someone I don’t love?

[changingname1304]

I am nearly 39. After years of being single, I met someone. He is pleasant enough, has faults (don’t we all) but not nasty ones.

I don’t love him, but I am desperate for a baby.

The alternative is to have a child alone. Being honest, I don’t think that is what I want. But is it better to have a child alone than one with someone I don’t think I love?

I just don’t know.

Personally I would have a child alone x

Depends. Does he want a child?

It’s a huge decision, though.

It would mean going through pregnancy, childbirth and maternity leave alone.

It would mean the child being in full time childcare 5 days a week.

It would mean the child not having a father.

It would mean a blank space on those awful family tree projects schools do, and nothing on Father’s Day.

If you definitely afford it baby alone.
My friend did this at 46 and what a little smasher he is.

Never marry without love you will come to resent them.

You may meet someone further down the line like I did.

My / our daughter is nearly 30 and loves my dh as much as any daughter could love her father , and vice versa.

He is neutral. He would have a child if I wanted one, yes.

I know robin but after twenty years alone, I just am not sure I can imagine meeting someone!

Alone. All day long.

I ended up being a single parent with DC1. I loved it. It was hard but you know, parenting IS hard whether you’re in a relationship or not.

If he is ok with being a dad, do it. But don’t try to live together, don’t place unreasonable expectations on yourselves.

What would the arrangement be? Living together and raising the child as a couple?

Well, yes!

is he a good father material do you think?
do you have to marry him?

Does he know that you don't love him and intend to use him as sperm donor and father figure for your future child?

It depends on the people involved.

No, nc, surprisingly this isn’t something I have shared with him.

How I feel is involuntary, largely. I can’t force myself to love someone passionately. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about them at all. I do honestly sometimes wonder if there is something in arranged (not forced) marriages where the expectation of shared companionship and friendship growing to love is more sensible than the western ideal of passion and love.

I don’t know, I am just musing.

I do know that I want to have a baby. I know that without that, my life will feel empty and lonely.

Definitely alone. Know a lot of women who are single parents who have no support from the father and they prefer it that way than dealing with someone else

Would he be a good Dad, and you you want him in your life as a co parent if/after you split up?

If you don’t love him then the relationship probably doesn’t have longevity - it’s unlikely a relationship with a man you’re with just so you’re not doing it alone will last. And if you’re not fully happy in the relationship now adding pregnancy/ a newborn/ a toddler etc isn’t likely to make it better. If you don’t love him then it will be hard to feel close to him through the stress and hormones of pregnancy, birth, sleep deprivation etc - you will potentially end up miserable stuck in an unhappy relationship.

How will you feel if the relationship ends? You might end up doing it alone anyway or you might end up with shared 50/50 custody. Would you trust this man to be reasonable with regards to maintenance payments, contact/ custody etc?

Having a baby is a huge thing and I don’t recommend bringing one into a relationship you’re not truly happy within.

If you had arranged to have a baby with him and didn't love him and wanted to essentially coparent like separated parents that might work.

But presumably he does love you (Or might?) so when you inevitably "break up" you may have a shit show like most couples with kids.

Personally I would only have a child alone anyway. So I am biased. But yes I would rather go it alone than in the circumstances it sounds like here.

Controversial but I thought about this with a Male friend. Both of us approaching mid 30s, both desperate to be parents, same political and religious outlook, he wasn’t a romantic type of guy at all
but he would have liked to have settled down with me as opposed to anyone else at that point. I knew at that point that I’d want a biological child to know their father and have a good relationship with them. I knew he was fair and decent and would make an alright dad. He’d have seen it more as a traditional marriage/love match (though he struggled to express romantic or sexual love at all) whereas I’d see it more as co-parenting and two lonely people making the best of things, an “arrangement”.

In the end, I realised I couldn’t do it. We never had a laugh together, everything was always so “practical” and boring and I didn’t really enjoy his company enough to have wanted to be around him raising a child 24/7. However, considering all of this, I realised I would be open to co-parenting with the right man and that would be my preference over sperm donation.

Alone has worked for me. It's a known quantity - I've always known how much (or little) support I'll have and been able to plan around that. Bring another person into the equation and you're dependent on their capacity and willingness to act in a civilised way. It can still go wrong even if you're starting from a place where you love each other. But honestly, it's a very personal choice.

I don’t know that splitting is inevitable.

If he cares about me, he will want to stay, and I too care about him and would want him to stay.

It is difficult, but I’m honestly trying to think of best case scenario for my reality, not for my dreamworld. Obviously, in dreamworld, I love him and he loves me and we have a baby.

But that can’t happen now.

alone 100%

You must know whether you’d rather do it alone or with him but you do need to think ahead and what would happen if you split up etc. I’m sure in reality lots of people do this - settle for someone as they’re ready for a child - but just don’t “talk” about it.

How long have you been together? I know a lot of people in “arranged marriages”, the love tends to grow once they see the commitment they are making to each other being acted out in the day to day relationship. They work at the marriage, accept that they are husband and wife now and in this together. Obviously in the West, it’s generally love first marriage and babies later but I’ve seen more loved marriages than arranged marriages fall apart and out of more than a dozen there’s only been one genuinely unhappy one that I’ve seen. The rest are outlasting the love marriages! All anecdotal but still.

If it’s early days give it some time for love to blossom. Maybe if in 4/6 months things haven’t improved at all it’s best to leave it. If it’s been a couple of years already get out!

We haven’t been together long at all, but as I say, I’m nearly 39 and I really don’t want to leave it all too long.