Baby alone or baby with someone I don’t love?

[changingname1304]

I am nearly 39. After years of being single, I met someone. He is pleasant enough, has faults (don’t we all) but not nasty ones.

I don’t love him, but I am desperate for a baby.

The alternative is to have a child alone. Being honest, I don’t think that is what I want. But is it better to have a child alone than one with someone I don’t think I love?

I just don’t know.

If he was actively wanted a child, then it would be easier - whatever happened with your relationship, your potential dc would have a dad. But he's neutral - that might change when presented with actual baby but also might not. In which case you might end up with an uninvested dad for your dc, who if the relationship fails fucks off never to be seen again, and if he stays might not be an active parent.

More variables at play with him involved, and things you can't control. Go it alone and you're in the driving seat.

You also should think about whether it's fair to make this choice with a bloke who presumably is making his choices without the crucial piece of information that you're settling for him and don't love him.

I get where Simon is coming from. Doing is alone would be really tough. Is there any option of sitting down with your partner and going through what would happen if you split. I was in a similar situation (30s wanted a child/children and didn't want to wait). While I was really mad about my partner, I wanted to be realistic in case we didnt work out and we actually sat down and talked about what would happen if it didn't work out between us. I was only with him a short while and I wanted to lay everything in the table. Maybe he would actually be happy to co-parent even you wern't together.

I think either way, you will be the main carer. I would think it's best to be honest, as others have said, explain you're not in love with him, but you would like to have a baby. Reminds me of a film called Maggie's Plan, but I digress. I disagree with others, I don't believe it to be cruel to have a baby alone without a second parent, from what you say, this baby would be greatly loved and wanted, there is nothing cruel in that.
I am a single parent to two young boys, I have completed five years higher education and now work, although granted, they do go to their dads EOW. if you decide to go it alone, I would first make sure you have a reliable support network.

Alone would be tough but you'd be prepared for it to be tough. Doing it with someone you're not sure about could be a fairytale or a nightmare, or anything in between. At one end of the scale, an acquaintance of mine married someone she hadn't known for very long because they both wanted kids. He now spies on her and tells lies about her to the children (e.g. that she's an alcoholic and, on the very rare occasions she has an evening out, that she doesn't care about being a mum, only partying). He's also threatened that he'll stop her having access to the kids if she leaves, even though she's the primary carer. On the other hand, it could work brilliantly. It depends on your approach to life and how you assess risk.

I'm confused. You're not pregnant yet I assume? Is the choice have a child with this man and either stay or dump him and do it alone? Or are you going to use some sort of sperm donor to do it alone?

Personally if it is the first and you are even considering doing that intentionally then I hope he wins sole custody!

I'd be devasted for my son if he was used for another persons as they wanted a child at any cost.

One thing for him to agree to become a donor if he wants a child too outside of a relation but if he thinks this is a real relationship and doesn't know you don't love him then that's a whole different ball game.

Does he know you don't love him and just want him to father your child?

It doesn't all sound very fair on him. You need to tell him how you feel and give him the chance to decide how he feels about it all. Let him find a loving relationship.

I have been single for the best part of 15 years. My daughter is almost six months old. I started thinking about going solo after my 36th birthday, but finally gave myself permission to stop dating just over a year after. I used a donor and a clinic, and it took several rounds of treatment, but I'm so happy.

I've had a huge amount of support from my mum. It isn't easy, but I am so certain that it is better to have a loved and wanted child solo, than to be in a loveless relationship.

To add, I thought long and hard about using a known donor (gay friend) Vs anon and I went with anon. There are some helpful books which helped me make my decision and to think about things on the way. There is also a donor conception thread on here, which was so informative and supportive.

My friend did this, and they ended up very much in love. Strange, I know. After years of terrible boyfriends (she was attracted to 'bad boys') she went looking for the opposite. Met a calm quiet man. Moaned there was no spark, no drama (to us, not him). Married him and got pregnant straight away.
He is a lovely man, and a brilliant dad, and seeing him with their son made my friend fall in love with him. She's now pregnant again at 43. I am very happy for them, and would never tell him what she used to say about him! I'm not sure it always works that way though!

She says she loved him before they married but wasn't 'in love' with him.

In your shoes yes I would. Even knowing that it might not work out, you still give your child a dad which I think is important.

Either way you are being unfair to any future child
I understand it's the "in" thing these days to go it alone but it doesn't make it right

How would you feel if a man didn't love you, but just wanted a baby and withheld the fact that he doesn't love you...but time was ticking on and he needed someone to carry his child?

There's something to be said about doing unto others as you'd have done unto you.

If you don't have any spark together and aren't sexually attracted to him...that will become evident down the line.

With no marriage, the NRP can get away giving little financial support.

If he agrees to have a baby because you want it, how committed and hands on do you think he'll be?

Alone :)
As long as you have a strong support network around you - friends & family. It can be hard and lonely being a mum. Especially alone. But I'd rather that than not having a child or having a child with a man I didn't love (which would be more complicated)

you still give your child a dad which I think is important.
And make him liable for child support, by not being upfront and honest.

If you can't say "I like you and care about you, but I don't love you. As time
is ticking on for me at 39, I'd like a baby before it's
too late. Are you okay with this?*

If you can't say the above, then you're being deceitful and selfish... purely thinking about yourself..... Not your BF and not the child.

This is why a lot of men in their late 30s steer clear of women that age with no children, because they're desperate to beat the clock and put them under pressure to have a baby after a short time together.

If I was in your position it would depend a lot on what my wider support network was like. Are your parents around, do you live close to them, do you have siblings or cousins who have kids nearby and can do you a favour sometimes (in exchange for you reciprocating of course). The other major factor for me would be money: do you earn enough to get by on your own, pay for childcare, etc?

If you had both those factors in place then I would say go it alone. If not then I think you should have a difficult conversation with the bloke. Be honest and see whether he is willing to co parent on those terms.

I'm surprised so many people are saying to do it alone without the general knowledge that parents have that having a baby is really hard! I love my children as we all do but eg today I am feeling so unwell because of sheer exhaustion. I can't rest despite my DH being here too as we've got things to do. Doing that alone would be so much more harder. So many of us parents have children and then wonder why no one told the truth about having children (lol) but the first year is tough! Showering, eating, the basics. Then it gets easier but then it's still hard in other ways. There's no rest. I would really think it through. I know many single mums out there have managed but so many struggle. It's not a fairy tale dream but it's the reality of 24/7 365 days a year. I'd find the right person or really work hard to improve the relationship and go from there. Many men switch off too and walk away as it's easier for them to do that after a child is born. Think hard.

Does he know how you feel OP? It is very unfair to decide to have a child with him and not tell him. He deserves to know how you feel otherwise you are deceiving and using him.

Alone! I've done both and alone is billion times better. Make sure you have lots of other sources of support though.

Go for it!! If he is trustworthy caring and hard working and you think you could be a team then great and if not as long as you guys could split amicably then I can't see how you could lose.

You shouldn't have a baby because your life would feel empty and lonely without one - i just ran that idea past my teenage daughters and they were completely appalled. You are contemplating bringing a life into the world to give your life meaning and choosing between 2 situations which will both be hard on a kid - no dad or dad in a loveless marriage. What will that be like for your child when he or she is - say - 16 and trying to find their way with relationships? How will your decisions affect them?
So many bad things happen to kids, mine have been abandoned by their father and are completely reeling from it...we can't always avoid terrible things happening - and of course, fucked up situations like mine are very common. But you seem to be actually planning a tough life for your child without a thought really, your main thought is to avoid loneliness. This would place your child in a very hard situation in itself...their life isnt supposed to be about that.

Or they could have two very loving parents who don't love each other. You can't predict what life will bring. There are plenty who have children for love then life throws a curveball and either one or both parents are an arse hole to them. Love isn't always an instant fire ball of passion sometimes slow builders are the best relationships.

She didn't say she is having a baby because she is lonely she said in it having one it would feel that way. Kind of what any broody person would say about not having a child when they know they want one ime.

Just to note I had parents that loved each other and didn't give a monkey about their children and supposedly we were very much wanted .

Alone100 %

Im a single parent (dad on the scene) but i do everything 23 hours a day for my child. Id rather do it 24 hours a day and know exactly where i am at.

its bloody hard work but i love it.

Good luck