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Relationships

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Original poster

Baby alone or baby with someone I don’t love?

100 replies

changingname1304 · 13/04/2019 09:18

I am nearly 39. After years of being single, I met someone. He is pleasant enough, has faults (don’t we all) but not nasty ones.

I don’t love him, but I am desperate for a baby.

The alternative is to have a child alone. Being honest, I don’t think that is what I want. But is it better to have a child alone than one with someone I don’t think I love?

I just don’t know.

OP posts:

EleanorOalike · 13/04/2019 10:06

A few more months to figure out the dynamic wouldn’t be catastrophic to your fertility.

How would you feel if you found out you were pregnant to him tomorrow? What would you do? And if you weren’t you, but an outsider looking into this situation - what would you advise them to do?

Faster · 13/04/2019 10:08

Alone every day of the week.
I had DS when I got pregnant very early in a relationship, that’s now died a death, we never would have worked out long term anyway. But now we have to coparent our son and it can be very, very difficult.

Nc1548 · 13/04/2019 10:08

If he's not "in on the deal" it's really unfair to deny him the opportunity to meet someone who really loves him rather than wants to use him to have a baby.

swingofthings · 13/04/2019 10:11

He is neutral. He would have a child if I wanted one, yes Even with the knowledge you don't love him?

If he is happy to have a child under the belief that you will be a happy loving relationship, it is a very deceiving thing to do.

harrypotterfan1604 · 13/04/2019 10:16

I have a 3 month old dd and honestly I couldn’t have done this alone. I’ve said all along that anyone that does this alone deserves a medal because it’s bloody hard work and without my dp most days I wouldn’t have managed to eat let alone shower or wear clean clothes.
Would he make a good father? Could the two of you coparent even if the relationship broke down?

BertieBotts · 13/04/2019 10:35

It is much better to have a child alone than with the wrong person.

I don't know - would he be the wrong person? Clearly you don't love him, and it would probably be too messy to tell him that and then ask him if he wants to have a child anyway. Lying is a really, really bad option. The thing is that babies put a strain on even the strongest of relationships so if there are cracks there already they will tend to become huge chasms and then it's hard to mend them, sometimes impossible. And then you're forced to accept his parenting even if you hate it because he's their father.

It might be easier in some ways to start without the expectation of support and help, rather than be disappointed if he doesn't live up to expectation.

mindutopia · 13/04/2019 10:36

Would it be easier to share your child with someone (meaning they live with him 50% of the week, go on holidays without you, etc) or do it all yourself?

Relationships were their is genuine love and passion and shared values and years of history end up being completely shattered by having a child (it’s really, really hard on your relationship). So the likelihood of you staying together is slim. Would you want to have a child knowing you might miss half their childhood?

Personally, I couldn’t bare that and think it would be much easier (though still hard!) to go it alone.

Lozzerbmc · 13/04/2019 10:43

Is he saying he’d have a child because he knows you want one, rather than because HE does?

I met my DP after my divorce - exh and i had done 3 ivfs and were on waitlist for another. After we split i dated and had known my DP for a year when i got letter offering treatment to me and exh. DP said he didnt know what would happen with our relationship but he did want a child. I thought about it but knew at age 37 this was last chance ivf. I went for it turning up to hospital with a new man! DS is now 11 and i thank my lucky stars every day for him. He is our sunshine. Was not easy. We lived apart til DS was 4 then bought house. Early days alone were hard but my parents were close and were, and still, are amazingly supportive. DP adores DS but not handson so hard work juggling childcare/work/house. I do think back to days with just me and DS and it was easier in some ways. DP and I dont have perfect relationship - its rocky at mo; i’m not sure i would have moved in with him if not for DS but we make it work and have lots of fun times. I dont regret anything at all. I guess what i am saying is that you need to be certain of relationship if you want a child; if not and relationship breaks down it would be awful. You could do it alone but you’ll need good family support as its hard and a male role model ideally in the family i think thats important. Good luck

HoustonBess · 13/04/2019 10:48

Why not actually be honest and give him the option? Explain you want a baby, that you like him and would like a baby with him and would give the relationship a good go but it's not exactly a dream romance. But the alternative for him is you breaking up so you have a baby alone. You could make an agreement upfront about finances and access if you did break up.

The worst thing would be to trick him into having a child on false pretenses. Having a baby puts huge strain on a relationship and you'd probably end up single any way but with the added stress of a break up and co-parenting to manage.

Hopoindown31 · 13/04/2019 10:53

I hope you aren't considering pumping and dumping him so you can get up the duff? You do know that intentionally deceiving people is not okay?

All those saying you can make agreements upfront about finances etc should realise that they aren't worth the paper they are written on when the baby arrives.

NataliaOsipova · 13/04/2019 11:01

I’m going to go against the grain here. Do you like him? Can you imagine living together amicably? Do you think he’d be a good father? If the answer to all of these is “yes” and he is on board with the idea of fatherhood, then why on earth not? I think there are unrealistic expectations placed on marriage these days; in reality, I suspect a lot of people “settle” for a decent life with a decent person rather than fireworks.

Plus (and again, it’s not a popular view on here), I think having kids with someone can make you see them in a very different light. Sure, it’s no way to “fix” a broken relationship, but I know I see my DH in a different way when I see how great he is with our kids and how much he loves them. It’s definitely added an extra (positive) layer to our marriage.

SimonJT · 13/04/2019 11:07

I’m a lone parent, I haven’t spoken to another adult since last Saturday, I haven’t had a single day off in 2.5 years. I get six hours off every four weeks if my son is well, happy etc.

It’s a bit like the game the floor is lava, but it actually is genuinely lava.

Original poster

changingname1304 · 13/04/2019 11:07

Thank you for your replies.

Yes, on the one hand it is far easier to parent alone when that is the expectation from the start.

The real disadvantage of this as far as I can see is that the child does not then have any sort of relationship with another parent.

As I’ve said, it’s best out of two not-ideal choices, I know that.

OP posts:

Original poster

changingname1304 · 13/04/2019 11:07

I’m not sure what point you are trying to make there Simon

OP posts:

SimonJT · 13/04/2019 11:13

There is no option for a break etc and life as a lone parent is generally a bit crap and very lonely when they’re young.

Original poster

changingname1304 · 13/04/2019 11:31

Yes, but this isn’t a thread about whether to have a baby or not. That is a course I am committed to.

OP posts:

AliceRR · 13/04/2019 11:36

I also think being with someone you think would make a suitable partner and father, even if you don’t love them, is. It necessarily a bad idea. I think there is something to be said for arranged marriages tbh but would you want more later? You could meet someone that you really love

Original poster

changingname1304 · 13/04/2019 11:43

I very, very much doubt that and certainly not within the timeframe I need to have a child in.

OP posts:

stucknoue · 13/04/2019 11:50

If he is willing to father the child, it's better than an anonymous donor, but be prepared to be the one who is the main parent as it's likely you will split at some point - a good friend who happens to be the father who you can coparent with is better than being solo even if you don't live together eg they can give you a vital break.

Only you know your relationship, we cannot really tell but as long as you go into it eyes open it could be a better option than a donor

Butteredghost · 13/04/2019 11:56

I think have a baby within the relationship. Is it perfect? No. Is anything? Also no.

What sort of "I don't love him" are we talking here? You can barely tolerate him? Or there is trust, respect, affection, friendship, but no "spark". If it's the latter I think that's fine - it's a lot more than many marriages/currently ttc folks have.

Also, yes having a baby can put a strain on previously happy relationships. But often the unhappiness seems to come from people losing that spark they once had after the kids come along. In your case, there's nothing to lose so it won't be such a shock.

I had something similar when I had a baby. Many new mums complain they lose their social life. However having few friends, I never really had one, so my life didn't really change and I feel much happier than they do.

Dobinette · 13/04/2019 12:04

I really don't think it's fair on a child to deliberately bring it into the world without a father/second parent.

Meandwinealone · 13/04/2019 12:12

I think if you like him and respect him and vice versa then it’s not a bad idea.
I would perhaps sit down with him and talk about how you might coparent if you ever separated, seeing as it’s a young relationship. And layout both your expectations.
As long as you think you can be friends then I think it could work out wether you stay together or not

Dobinette · 13/04/2019 12:12

Or rather, to deliberately conceive a child, knowing that it would grow up without a father/second parent.

AnnaComnena · 13/04/2019 12:16

as long as you go into it eyes open it could be a better option than a donor

It's not just up to the op, is it? The man has a choice too, and he also needs to go into it with his eyes open. The op must be honest about her feelings and about what kind of relationship she envisages. He might decide it's not what he wants.

Fatted · 13/04/2019 12:18

Alone. And I say this as a woman who had been with my DH for the better part of 20 years.

Having a child will test your relationship to the limits. It almost destroyed ours and it's only been because we were both on the same page of being determined to work on it because we loved each other, that we have survived.

Better to do it alone than risking a bitter fall out.

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