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Relationships

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Original poster

Baby alone or baby with someone I don’t love?

100 replies

changingname1304 · 13/04/2019 09:18

I am nearly 39. After years of being single, I met someone. He is pleasant enough, has faults (don’t we all) but not nasty ones.

I don’t love him, but I am desperate for a baby.

The alternative is to have a child alone. Being honest, I don’t think that is what I want. But is it better to have a child alone than one with someone I don’t think I love?

I just don’t know.

OP posts:

slithytove · 13/04/2019 23:25

Alone alone alone

The love you will have for your child, and they you, will be worth it.

I can’t imagine risking losing that child to shared custody by having them with a man I didn’t love - and surely the risk would be higher than usual?

BedraggledBlitz · 13/04/2019 23:42

Alone.

It is awful being connected to some areshole for decades/forever due to co-parenting. He may not be an arsehole now but it will emerge as you grow apart and try to form a new life.

SMBC · 13/04/2019 23:55

I would say go alone. It won't be fair on anyone (including the child) if years down the line the relationship breaks down, which is very likely given you are starting from a position without love.

I'm a single mother by choice. I did a lot of research before I made my decision because of the concerns about the child having no father and the impact it would have on them. As a result I found studies like the one below which reassured me that it would be unlikely there is any long term impact of having no father from the outset. Its not the number of parents or the lack of father/mother (considering there are also same couples using donors) that is the issue but more rather troubled relationships. (like PP whose ex abandoned his kids).

A study comparing the well-being of children growing up in single-mother-by-choice and heterosexual two-parent families has found no differences in terms of parent-child relationship or child development

The assumption that growing up in a family without a father is not good for the child is based mainly on research into children whose parents are divorced and who thus have experienced parental conflict

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/07/170705095332.htm

The only other thing to be mindful and this is true with any family using donors and that's openness and honesty with the child very early on about their biological background. The donor conception network is a great support on how to navigate this.

Finally, I know many solo mums with kids of all ages and I can honestly say the kids are very happy, well loved little people with very positive futures ahead of them.

yourestandingonmyneck · 14/04/2019 12:03

What is his family like? Would they welcome a baby and be a good support? If so, that would be very tempting. Grandparents, aunties etc to love the baby surely has to be better than not.

If he's a decent guy, then I don't see that it's any different to falling head over heels, falling pregnant, and then breaking up, as many couples do. You would just need to find a way to co-parent, same as them.

I would say don't underestimate how hard it is - having somebody to help is a massive bonus. And if his family would also be involved and supportive I would say it would be the preferable choice to doing it fully alone.

Guyliner · 14/04/2019 12:04

How I feel is involuntary, largely. I can’t force myself to love someone passionately

You can help marrying some sap who thinks you love hime though.

And to the pp who says you should do it as "you can't lose" what about this guy who maybe doesn't want to have a child that he would only see every other weekend.

I can't believe someone pushing 40 is even entertaining the idea of doing something so stupid.

Get a sperm donor. Or find a man who wants to be a shared parent. Maybe a gay couple. But just be honest.

roses2 · 14/04/2019 12:14

If you are in an arranged marriage, i suspect divorce and finding someone else are off the table.

Perhaps the live between you amd your dh will grow. Maybe it won't. If you are ready 39 by the time you find out it might be too late.

I would have the baby

DontCallMeDaisy · 14/04/2019 16:42

Alone.
If you don't love him now you could potentially hate his guts after a few months of parenting a baby together.

Co-parenting with someone in this way is only fair if both people know the deal. There is so much potential here for bitterness and creating an unhappy, unhealthy childhood for an innocent baby. It might all be OK of course but it's not a gamble I would like to take.

DerbyRacer · 14/04/2019 16:58

I am a lone parent, always have been. I had no other option. I have always been happy and so is my dc. Because you have an option to do it as a couple you might regret it if you do it alone. You might always be thinking how nice it would have been to have done it as a couple. You might feel lonely because you were used to being in a couple. It was different for me.

starzig · 14/04/2019 18:14

Neither. Despite your desperation to have a baby, you are not in a good position to do so. Bringing a child into an unstable situation is cruel. Sometimes you can't always get what you want.

celebrityskin · 14/04/2019 18:28

If you had a child together, even if things don't work then your child will always have a dad- and a co-parent. And your relationship may develop albeit not a passionate one....

AliceRR · 14/04/2019 21:00

I very, very much doubt that and certainly not within the timeframe I need to have a child in.

I was meaning if you have a child with this guy and then you meet someone that you do love

NearlyVegan · 14/04/2019 21:54

That would have been me guyliner. I still stand by what I said but I did not say that she should lie to her partner. Full transparency is needed when I said could they be a team I meant it, as in they were both on the same page.

I do think it can work and I do think love can grow between people with the same goals just like lovers can grow apart and split even after children.

Thymeout · 15/04/2019 09:41

You have to be honest with him.

It doesn't sound as if he's as desperate for a baby as you are. He'd be doing it to please you, which means he cares more for you than you do for him. You'd be using him for your own ends. Taking advantage of his feelings for you. Indefensible.

If he's willing to enter into a marriage of convenience, fair enough. But if he posted on here, everyone would tell him to run for he hills.

another20 · 15/04/2019 10:14

It would mean going through pregnancy, childbirth and maternity leave alone.

It would mean the child being in full time childcare 5 days a week.

It would mean the child not having a father.

It would mean a blank space on those awful family tree projects schools do, and nothing on Father’s Day.*

You could/would have all of these scenarios even if you got pregnant with this man but it didn’t work out (which sounds quite likely?).

On top of that you could have toxicity, game playing, money issues, custody battles, a 3rd party (his new GF) looking after your dc who you would have to hand them over to 50% of the time.

Children don’t need a QUANTITY of priority care givers - but they need QUALITY and CONSISTENCY to flourish emotionally.

This I believe you can provide alone. I would not walk into a situation where there was the real possibility of having to hand my child over to an uncontrolled environment if you split. Us with older children see all around us the MH issues devastating their lives and their parents. Don’t do anything that will put a child at risk of this.

Confused0511 · 10/10/2021 19:41

Hi. I’m currently in the exact same position as you, and wanted to ask you what you decided to do? I’m very torn, do I have a baby with the nice guy I’m in a relationship with that I don’t love or do it solo?

Did you make a decision? How did it work out?

PollyIndia · 10/10/2021 21:10

I had a baby alone - got pregnant unexpectedly and he was born on my 37th birthday.
He’s amazing, we are super close, and while some times have been hard, actually the having a baby on my own wasn’t hugely. I was very ready and had my own home and not worried about money again the time. The times is was really hard was more to do with starting my own business as a single mum, not so much to do with him
I am grateful I had the chance to be his mum every day.

cakecakecheese · 10/10/2021 21:17

You're better off starting your own thread than resurrecting an old one as the OP might not even be on here anymore.

anthurium · 10/10/2021 21:29

@Confused0511

I'm 39 and am currently 30 weeks pregnant via IVF and a sperm donor.

I was. In a 'situationship' with someone for 2 years between 37-39 and desperately hoping he'd change his mind, I did/do love him, but we were at different life stages and there were some other things that had happened to have made both of us question the whole 'where are we going'? etc.

I'd decided that if I couldn't be with someone I loved and they also wanted a family with me at the same time as when wanted it, I wouldn't be able to pursue it. So, I this year in February, I went down the solo parent path. On a rare occasion, I get sad that I couldn't meet anyone in time (after 20 years of daring!) to do this with, but I also knew at the same time that having left it so late, I didn't want to settle now. I have no practical, local support will have to rely on paid out childcare. Family is abroad/in a different part of the UK. I do have a full-time/permanent job and a flat which is mortgaged, the rest I'll have to figure out as I go along! I did not want to miss out on motherhood, but no doubt it'll be tough. Similar to what another post wrote, I have a few friends and a rather non active social life, so I won't be missing out on that.

Newmum110 · 10/10/2021 21:40

I honestly think in your situation alone would be better. I think it would be very hard for you to say you will be with this man forever. Can you realistically say you would be happy only having your child 50% of the time, missing important days like Christmas & birthdays. I say this as a I was single parent to my eldest child & count my lucky stars that his father didn't want any involvement because I couldn't imagine having to share my time. My son had all the love he needed & all the Male influences he needed. My situation wasn't by choice but definitely worked out in my favour.

Confused0511 · 10/10/2021 21:42

Congratulations on you pregnancy, that’s so exciting, I really hope you get any support you need and I’m sure it will be worth every second with your baby. Making the decision is so hard, the hardest, but once it’s made, whatever the decision we just have to embrace it and live our lives.

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2021 21:45

Honestly I can't stand this idea that everyone is somehow entitled to a child.

You don't even love this man and are talking about using him as a sperms doner. It's selfish.

And tbh is deliberately bringing a child into the world without a father.

Pinkbonbon · 10/10/2021 21:46

*tbh so is

love15 · 10/10/2021 22:11

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 10/10/2021 22:25

I think if he is a genuine, nice person and a willing participant then go for it. Just don't try to force a relationship if it starts going wrong. Better to part as friends and be amicable co-parents.

Thepurpleturtle · 10/10/2021 22:35

Would you be happy for him to have unsupervised access to the child if you split up? Would you trust him 100% with your child?

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