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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive ex and now pregnant

83 replies

myheadsamess15 · 12/04/2019 10:02

I left my abusive ex a couple of weeks ago and found out this week that I am pregnant with his child. He was never violent towards me (not that it makes it much better), but was manipulative, controlling and messed with my head. I have told him I am pregnant and he seems pretty happy about it as it would be our first child. I'm not certain he can change and have no intention of moving back to live with him or even get back together, but I am worried he will use this baby as a way of controlling me.

When the baby comes could he request to have the child 50% of the time? Would he be able to take the baby for that long when I plan to breastfeed? I'm worried I now need to stay with him so he doesn't get to take the baby away from me.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 12/04/2019 10:45

He won’t get 50% custody of a newborn, no, so you don’t need to worry about that. Little and often is generally recommended for tiny babies - a couple of hours at a time a few times a week, with you (and somebody to support you, if required) present, to build a relationship with his baby.

But, if (and that might only be an “if”, once the novelty wears off) he’s serious about wanting to be a good dad and does stick around and build a good relationship, there will be a court expectation of more equal parenting closer to 50/50 once the child is toddler aged.

In your position I’d terminate, tbh. If he’s abusive why on earth would you want a lifetime link to him, something he can use to manipulate you, and something that’s going to hinder you moving on and getting on with your life alone or with meeting somebody new?

Original poster
myheadsamess15 · 12/04/2019 11:30

I have thought about termination, but it's not the childs fault and I just don't think I could go through with it.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/04/2019 11:34

If he's controlling and abusive, then yes. He absolutely will continue to use the baby to control you for the rest of your life. Is that what you want?

I'm worried I now need to stay with him so he doesn't get to take the baby away from me.

It's started already.

Please have a serious think about your options.

7yo7yo · 12/04/2019 11:36

I’d terminate too.
You’ll have this twat as part of your life for the rest of your life.
He will abuse the child.
He will Continue to abuse you.
This child will be a weapon.
If your lucky he will get fed up and move on but dip in and out of your child’s life as and when he pleases.

morewashingtodooo · 12/04/2019 11:39

It never is the child's fault but the abuse happens either way. You said it will both your first are there other dc's?

Original poster
myheadsamess15 · 12/04/2019 11:48

I have a child already, but not with him. He doesn't have children, but has always wanted one. He's very good with my child. He has offered to start a program to help him understand why he acts the way he does. The thought of terminating upsets me a lot, but I am worried it's my only option.

OP posts:
Original poster
myheadsamess15 · 12/04/2019 11:52

I have also told him, I have no intentions of living with him and am happy to do this alone.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2019 11:56

"He's very good with my child".

He is not good with your child because of the ways in which you as this child's mother has been treated. You've left him due to him being controlling, manipulative and he also messed with your head. Any baby by him you bring into this now will be used by him as a stick to further beat you with.

"He has offered to start a program to help him understand why he acts the way he does".

Why are you giving this man any headspace at all in terms of listening to him further?. He is still messing with your head!.
Do not fall for this from him. Such programmes have limited success and if he was for instance talking about anger management then this is particular is no answer. Such programmes may well also give him additional tools to terrorise some other woman. Therefore it won't work; men like he feel entitled to act as they do and he feels he has done nothing wrong here with regards to you who he does not see as an equal. Men like this hate women, all of them.

Please talk to Womens Aid asap and enrol yourself onto their Freedom Programme particularly if you have not done this before now.

Babdoc · 12/04/2019 12:04

OP, if you definitely want the baby, then don’t put the ex’s name on the baby’s birth certificate. If you aren’t married, he then has very limited, if any, right of access.
And as Attila says, a man who abuses a child’s mother is absolutely NOT a good dad.

Original poster
myheadsamess15 · 12/04/2019 12:04

Can I not just have the baby and refuse contact because of the abuse?
I am starting the freedom program after Easter and have been reading lots on abuse. I know he could just be telling me what I want to hear. I really don't want to terminate, but I'm think this might be my only option to move on.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 12/04/2019 12:05

Of course he wouldn't have 50/50 care from birth, the most he would get is time with the child in your presence. However, this would evolve. If he is happy to become a dad and has shown no signs of not being capable of being a good father, than its really to your child that you'll owe to support him building a bond with your child. A child is much happier with two parents together or not and it wouldn't be unfair to take that away from them just because you'd rather havenothing to do with him and do it alone.

CupcakeDrama · 12/04/2019 12:18

No you cant refuse contact, court will order contact even if abusive (i know from experience)!

Snuggz · 12/04/2019 12:19

I would terminate if in your shoes. Why would you want to be tied to this man for at least the next 18 years? Where you would have to sort out visitation days and if you can go on holiday with the child you would need his permission etc. No thanks.

aweedropofsancerre · 12/04/2019 12:23

I am a little confused. You have left him, he is good with your other child, your pregnant and have told him as he wanted a child and this will be his first, but now after telling him you want to with hold contact because he was emotionally abusive to you?

Why did you tell him if you don't want him having any access?

Original poster
myheadsamess15 · 12/04/2019 12:31

I told him as I thought he had a right to know. I wanted to do the right thing. I'm thinking that my only option is to terminate and block contact. I know I can't move on with him in my life in anyway.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 12/04/2019 12:45

Why did you tell him if you don’t want him to have access.

What is the point of his right to know if you had no intention of letting him see the baby or have access.

kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 12:50

If you're going to do the freedom programme you will learn very quickly that you are now even more vulnerable due to being pregnant with his child.

You will be more easily manipulated because you will be hormonal and emotional and he will eventually make you believe you can't do it without him.

He now has power over you because you are carrying a part of him.

If you want to cut ties entirely, you do the programme, you say to him that no contact is necessary until the child is born.

If he wants access, he needs to go via the courts.

There is no in between with domestic abuse. You're either in it or you're fully out zero contact unless absolutely necessary.

I'm saying this from experience.

GlitzandGlamxo · 12/04/2019 12:53

I have sent you a message @myheadsamess15

PicsInRed · 12/04/2019 12:57

This is the time to move far, far away.
The courts wont permit you to remove the child far away from the father, once the child is born.

If you decide not to terminate, then RUN. The time is NOW.

GlitzandGlamxo · 12/04/2019 12:57

You've said up above you don't think you could go through with termination which shows you don't want to, so don't. It's your choice. Your body. Your baby. Regardless the situation and there are other ways around it than that. There are many women who have been in this situation I'm sure you aren't alone!

Mix56 · 12/04/2019 12:57

I'm afraid you have made a big mistake, if you told him, & then have a termination, there was no point.
If you you wanted to have the baby & no involvement from him, you shouldn't have told him.
Personally I would terminate in your position, even if you don't put him on the BC, he could get a court order to prove DNA, then be involved for the rest of your & your child's life, be it good or bad.
Not a card I would play

GlitzandGlamxo · 12/04/2019 12:58

But I agree with getting away and don't put on certificate whatever your choice may be

SandyY2K · 12/04/2019 12:59

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GlitzandGlamxo · 12/04/2019 13:01

If he isn't on the BC You would have to give consent for your child to take part in a dna test and can refuse it. unless the court over rides any refusal, eg IF they think it's for the child's best interest. It's different for everyone though

kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 13:02

Yeah, I'm not agreeing with the fact people are suggesting a termination. I don't even think you mentioned that in your original post.

Yes, it's not ideal. But you can do this providing you go via the right channels.

It IS hard. I have a 2 year old with me ex husband. He was mentally abusive. But I am now safe from him. I moved to a refuge. I refused to speak to him unless it was via social services. He now doesn't know where I live exactly and sees his boy via contact centre. Once that finishes we will go via the courts.

But you MUST be strong and firm. It isn't easy. But it's doable.

You also must be strong about this for your other child. And do not allow that child to be involved with this man.

It is possible. You will reach a point where you will have had enough. The fact you've left him is a great starting point which many will not be able to do.

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