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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive ex and now pregnant

83 replies

myheadsamess15 · 12/04/2019 10:02

I left my abusive ex a couple of weeks ago and found out this week that I am pregnant with his child. He was never violent towards me (not that it makes it much better), but was manipulative, controlling and messed with my head. I have told him I am pregnant and he seems pretty happy about it as it would be our first child. I'm not certain he can change and have no intention of moving back to live with him or even get back together, but I am worried he will use this baby as a way of controlling me.

When the baby comes could he request to have the child 50% of the time? Would he be able to take the baby for that long when I plan to breastfeed? I'm worried I now need to stay with him so he doesn't get to take the baby away from me.

OP posts:
Fifteenthnamechange · 12/04/2019 13:03

I wouldn't do it. I'd terminate.

Fifteenthnamechange · 12/04/2019 13:04

Sorry

Wineismyfav9 · 12/04/2019 13:08

@kamikazeshady yes I agree Why are people suggesting termination and still suggesting when she's already stated she doesn't think she could go through with it? Baring in mind Termination wasn't even mentioned in her OP what so ever Confused

morewashingtodooo · 12/04/2019 13:10

Sorry but you told him because you wanted him to know or changed his ways which won't happen. You can't tell someone your having their dc and then say I'm doing it alone.
You couldn't help but tell him and so early on, which means you will let him come to scan etc and he is going to mess you around.
You won't have to give him 50:50 straight away but even EOW when you dc is 3/4 isn't going to be much fun either. When he has the dc around his next gf, when he plays Disney dad but barely pays maintenance. When he comes and collects his dc and ignores you dc.
You may find another guy in the next few years that you love and want dc with.

kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 13:11

@Wineismyfav9 I know. I'm actually shocked.

It seems there is very little understanding on domestic abuse on this thread.

IMO she did the right thing by informing him if she is intending on going through with the pregnancy. Abuse aside, he has every right to know he has a child on the way. She now just needs to make sure safeguarding is in place for herself.

Wineismyfav9 · 12/04/2019 13:17

@kamikazeshady totally agree. And yes she did do the right thing because she's smart and realises it's a small chance u can hide a child for 18 years without the dad knowing.

JaneEyre07 · 12/04/2019 13:22

You have this child, you have him controlling you for the next 18 years.

He still is in control here.

I'd be thinking my options through.

kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 13:22

@Wineismyfav9 let's say for arguments sake she did hide it.

I guarantee you she would have a damn sight more abuse and be penalised for withholding such important information.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Original poster
myheadsamess15 · 12/04/2019 13:25

Please don't flame me. My heads a mess (see the username), i'm confused by this all and it comes as a massive shock that I am pregnant. I told him as I thought it was the morally right thing to do, now I can see maybe that wasn't the case. I am only trying to get advice not being told I am stupid for what is already done and can't be changed. He wouldn't be on the birth certificate anyway.

Reading all this I'm thinking maybe termination is probably for the best for me and my child I already have.

OP posts:
Wineismyfav9 · 12/04/2019 13:27

@kamikazeshady Exactly.

A child does not gain control. If he is a serious danger etc then court or whoever deals with it will see and contact will NOT be allowed anyway. If he can't contact her and isn't allowed to contact her then control cannot take place.

JaneEyre07 · 12/04/2019 13:29

Of course your head is a mess. Whose wouldn't be.

We all have the benefit of being outsiders looking in. No one is judging you, it's all genuine concern for what the future will be for you with him in it.

This is your life, and you have to do what's right for you...... only you can decide that Flowers

Wineismyfav9 · 12/04/2019 13:31

@myheadsamess15 you are not stupid at all so who ever has said that needs to get gone. It is your choice. Don't go on the advice of people telling you to do something you don't want to do because reality this situation isn't effecting them at all it's you that's in this position there just reading it on a screen and suggesting what they'd do. even though you didn't mention a termination, You deep down will know what you want to do with our without a strangers opinion Just look after yourself OP and go with what YOU want.

kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 13:33

@myheadsamess15 don't make a decision based on what other posters have written. Only you know in your heart what you want to do. Do not allow others opinions to make you form a decision.

In your original post you didn't mention a termination.

Now because others have put their two pence worth in you're considering it.

Someone needs to remove this thread. I'm actually appalled by this.

Wineismyfav9 · 12/04/2019 13:34

@kamikazeshady agree. it's disgusting

kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 13:35

@Wineismyfav9 if I knew how to report it I would. I'm new to this.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 12/04/2019 13:40

Why are people suggesting termination and still suggesting when she's already stated she doesn't think she could go through with it? Baring in mind Termination wasn't even mentioned in her OP what so ever

JUST. STOP.IT.

The OP is being bullied into considering a termination. This thread is really horrible.

It's interesting to see that termination seems less controversial than consciously not wanting children.

Aborting a live, viable foetus seems ok with some people. The person having the terrible choice doesn't get told that they don't know what love is, that they will be lonely in their old age, they don't know what they will be missing, don't know what it means to be responsible.

Two faced hypocritical double standards MN once again.

Wineismyfav9 · 12/04/2019 13:42

@ToEarlyForDecorations probably the same people that don't actually give a crap about the OP because there not in the situation. It's easier for them to say oh get an abortion then actually give decent advice other than that!

kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 13:42

@ToEarlyForDecorations 100% behind this

The OP could now make a decision based on others opinions.

I have reported this thread. Very surprised by people on here. God forbid any of these people have to go through domestic abuse.

Wineismyfav9 · 12/04/2019 13:44

@kamikazeshady yep! Op don't get a termination based on the "opinions" of people with fake usernames who you will never meet or probably speak to again. And who don't have to go through with it. It's a life changing choice. Not a quick solution.

Original poster
myheadsamess15 · 12/04/2019 13:46

Thank you so much for people who have been supportive and helpful. I am scared right now and need support, not being told what to do.

OP posts:
kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 13:46

Look how quiet they all are now, eh?

Gave their advice then fucked off. Probably none the wiser that now she's considering a termination that she never wanted.

Wineismyfav9 · 12/04/2019 13:50

@myheadsamess15 exactly. SUPPORT something this post is extremely lacking Op if you don't want termination just do not do it. You didn't even mention it in your op so it's disgusting how it has even been suggested to you! These people are nothing to you. Nothing. They won't be there to see you through it if you did a abortion when deep down you don't want too. If you want this baby then YOU CAN and have EVERY RIGHT to! It is YOUR child in YOUR BODY. No one else's. Despite your situation it doesn't need to stop you being a mother if that is what you want Thanks

Treaclesweet · 12/04/2019 13:53

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Don't talk to him about the baby any more. Don't talk to him at all any more. Don't put him on the birth certificate. He would then need to go through all the rigmarole for access which he probably won't be arsed with. He'll find another victim and move on.

I hope you have some support. It takes a long time to get yourself back together after someone's fucked with your head like that. Give yourself time to heal Flowers

Mix56 · 12/04/2019 13:55

Unfortunately I do know exactly what domestic abuse is about. & saying you can deal with this, the courts will help, is actually far from the truth in some cases
I also said, what I would do given Ops situation, at no point is anyone trying influence or berate her.
Jumping on your band wagon is no more helpful IMO

Original poster
myheadsamess15 · 12/04/2019 13:56

Thank you so much. I know it's an option and when I first found out it did cross my mind. My biggest worry was him getting visitation from the start with over night residency. It's comforting to know that wouldn't be until the child was a little older. I don't think he would have a clue how to look after a newborn and it would break my heart not being able to bond with it properly. I know this is going to be hard, like it has been leaving him, I also know it will still have some form of control over me. I'm not stupid and have weighed all of this up, but to me this is a life and this baby still deserves a chance. I also like to believe he still has a chance to see his child, despite what happened between us. Maybe I am naïve or maybe I'm just a decent human being. I guess it's a case of getting any support I can through this and having my wits about me.

OP posts:
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