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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Abusive ex and now pregnant

83 replies

myheadsamess15 · 12/04/2019 10:02

I left my abusive ex a couple of weeks ago and found out this week that I am pregnant with his child. He was never violent towards me (not that it makes it much better), but was manipulative, controlling and messed with my head. I have told him I am pregnant and he seems pretty happy about it as it would be our first child. I'm not certain he can change and have no intention of moving back to live with him or even get back together, but I am worried he will use this baby as a way of controlling me.

When the baby comes could he request to have the child 50% of the time? Would he be able to take the baby for that long when I plan to breastfeed? I'm worried I now need to stay with him so he doesn't get to take the baby away from me.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 12/04/2019 13:58

Raising termination as an option is not bullying. It is information.

Women have the right to share relevant information about options with another woman, for her to consider in exiting an abusive relationship.

I say this as a woman who probably wouldn't terminate, but I will defend, to the earth's end, protection of the availability of that right to other women.

This thread should remain up exactly as it is.

kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 13:58

No band wagon here. She didn't ask about what she should do regarding her pregnancy. You lot all forced that opinion on her. I gave her advice on the basis of her choice.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 12/04/2019 13:59

FUCKING.HELL.

This is my, 'denouement' moment of the attitude on MN.

A poster who ended their relationship with their abuser asks for support because she is unexpectedly pregnant with their abuser's baby gets MORE abuse from the women and mothers and other contributors on MN.

Jeez, just be a bit more, 'I'm alright Jack' why don't you ?

kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 14:01

Raising termination as an option is not bullying. It is information.

Information she didn't ask for.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 12/04/2019 14:02

*Raising termination as an option is not bullying. It is information.

Women have the right to share relevant information about options with another woman, for her to consider in exiting an abusive relationship.

I say this as a woman who probably wouldn't terminate, but I will defend, to the earth's end, protection of the availability of that right to other women.

This thread should remain up exactly as it is.*

Nice shit stirring thread de-rail. Probably from a name changed previous poster on this very thread.

Now, go ahead and hit that report button. The clock is ticking on my post.

I've never seen someone kicked when they are down like this. Really never.

WestBerlin · 12/04/2019 14:02

How is suggesting abortion abuse? It’s absolutely up to her if she has one or not, but it absolutely is an option if she wants this guy out of her life.

A child is a permanent tie to someone, and he would have the right to be part of that child’s life. No he probably wouldn’t get 50/50 on a newborn, but she could potentially be looking at 18 years of legal battles. It’s a reality that needs to be considered.

MulticolourMophead · 12/04/2019 14:04

This is the time to move far, far away.
The courts wont permit you to remove the child far away from the father, once the child is born.

If you decide not to terminate, then RUN. The time is NOW.

Termination was mentioned as an option, it doesn't actually matter if it wasn't in the op.

And I recognise some of the names of those posters you are criticising as people who have themselves experienced poor relationships. I have too, and I would choose to terminate in the OP's position.

OP, it is your choice whether to terminate. Many posters will have suggested termination because they have experience of having DCs and an abusive ex. I don't see that any of them actually tolod you what to do.

But yes, Id agree with moving away before the child arrives, if you decide to continue the pregnancy. Some distance between you may help to blunt efforts at control. Give basic contact details eg a phone number in a cheap phone just kept for contact, a new email address just for contact, and insist on all communication in writing.

kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 14:08

I have thought about termination, but it's not the childs fault and I just don't think I could go through with it.

OP said this in her second post. So why people continued to ram it down her throat confuses me.

If she had said "What do I do regarding this pregnancy? Do I keep it or terminate?" then yeah by all means suggest what you think is best for OP.

She didn't.

She asked about her next moves for when the baby is here.

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 12/04/2019 14:11

What West said. Sadly the impact of this man's involvement on the child you have here, too, must be considered.

Mix56 · 12/04/2019 14:11

Yes, I agree moving before the baby arrives is ideal, but OP presumably has her other Dc in school, & may be tied to the area of other child's father already, not to mention, house, job, parents, support network... the man in question may know OPs parents & friends. It will not be easy to flit & keep it hidden

dronesdroppingzopiclone · 12/04/2019 14:17

As for 'just move away', how it that any better advice than terminate? She may not have the funds to do this, or have ties to her existing child's father, or have a job she can't leave, or have a child care network in place.

Fizzysours · 12/04/2019 14:26

Do you feel you want the child? Do you want a sibling for your child? I think this should be about you. Not him. Hopefully people will help you manage his involvement if you go ahead. Maybe think about what you want. Feel no guilt about putting YOU first. Feel no guilt about having the baby OR teminating. There is no right answer so...no WRONG answer. The happier you are, the happier you any existing bambino will be. Hugs xxxx

Wineismyfav9 · 12/04/2019 15:01

SHE DIDNT ASK IF SHE SHOULD TERMINATE IT WAS NOT IN HER OP. SHE WANTED ADVICE HOW TO WORK AROUND THE SITUATION. Not people go oh I would terminate 🙃🙃 if YOU would terminate your child because you don't get along with your ex etc then whatever floats your boat But she didn't ASK for OPTIONS on wether to have an abortion or not so why so many people jumped on this thread like it was about abortion I have no clue 🤫🤫 she doesn't want to terminate as stated she believes the child deserves a chance at life and respect to her! Everyone acting like her life's going to be ruined and controlled and be full of court battles and misery for 18 years get lost lol, she DOESNT WANT TO TERMINATE. ACCEPT IT AND GIVE ADVICE OTHER THAN THAT AND IF U CANT THEN GET OFF THE POST

Wineismyfav9 · 12/04/2019 15:02

@kamikazeshady exactly, when will it stop!

outpinked · 12/04/2019 15:04

Tough one.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago and when I finally ended it, he started stalking me. It went on for a few months until he eventually physically assaulted me in the street so I contacted the police. I am so glad I didn’t have a child with him, the thought of having a life-long tie to someone like that is hideous. I have children to my ex husband and whilst it is annoying still having to deal with him week in week out, I am so thankful it is not my abusive and manipulative ex.

You already have a child to consider here so it’s even trickier. Unless your child is very young (and therefore not in school) suddenly upping and leaving isn’t really an option for you, also guessing you have to consider their Father. You need to consider their safety and your own as well.

Can you face dealing with him for the next 18 years? It doesn’t seem worthwhile to me but then, I have also had an unplanned pregnancy and couldn’t bring myself to terminate so I understand the difficulty.

He would most likely never get 50:50 access but you will always have to provide some form of contact, even if you have evidence of his abuse. You will also always have to keep a line of contact open to him for the next 18 years, it’s a very long time...

LaughingCow99 · 12/04/2019 15:36

I wouldn't terminate, and I think the op knows it's always an option.

All the best with your decision , op.

ukgift2016 · 12/04/2019 15:41

My ex was a shitty partner (abusive) but he is a decent dad to our DD and I am never afraid of leaving them alone together.

But I don't know what type abuse you went though, if he is the stalker type or would use the child against against you.

You need to have serious think about his capabilities as a father.

MNHQ
JoMumsnet · 12/04/2019 17:58

Hi myheadsamess15,

We're so sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

We just thought we'd post some links which might be helpful. First of all, we have a Domestic Violence webguide which lists many organisations which can give you support in real life.

We'd also like to point you in the direction of Women's Aid which has helped many MNers over the years.

And finally, please take at look at Rights of Women which provides vital information to help women seeking legal advice.

Sending good wishes Flowers

acd2019 · 12/04/2019 19:24

Don’t ever feel you have to terminate your child if you don’t want to it’s easy for others to say when they are out of the situation!

Original poster
myheadsamess15 · 13/04/2019 23:05

Thanks all. After thinking long and hard I have decided I will keep the baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
myheadsamess15 · 16/04/2019 10:14

He's asking to come to the scans, but has said it's up to me if I feel comfortable being there and will be happy with just a picture if I don't want him there. I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Twisique · 16/04/2019 11:00

While you are pregnant he has no rights over your body, no rights to come to appointments with you or for be told about them.

Why not tell him you need some space and are feeling very sick and that you will contact him after the baby is born.

If he kicks off and ramps up the control tell the police. Build up a history of abuse with them.
Have a chat with a solicitor, one recommended by womens aid.
Don't put him on the birth certificate.

MulticolourMophead · 17/04/2019 09:05

He doesn't have any rights to come to scans, midwife appointments, etc. Talk to your midwife, they'll be able to help and point you to services that can help you.

Agree with don't put him on birth certificate. It will give him PR, and you won't be able to remove it. Whereas, if he steps up, you can give him PR later on. No PR means reduced options for him to control and abuse you.

Fifteenthnamechange · 20/05/2019 09:55

@myheadsamess15 just saw this. Good luck with your pregnancy. I'd echo advice re not giving him access to scans, PR & getting some legal advice Thanks

PicsInRed · 20/05/2019 10:24

The more access you give him, the more OWNERSHIP he will feel.

He's abusive, so this isn't the usual break up scenario. You need to think about protecting yourself and your child. He will not be a good father - he cannot be a good father as he is abusive to the mother.

I would not involve him in anything at all, period.
Don't allow him to medical appointments, dont go shopping with him, dont even allow him to see you pregnant. Don't put him othe birth certificate. Let him legally pursue PR. He likely won't and then you might be free. He may periodically show up, if so, just ignore him.