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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I tell my DH I never want to sleep with him again?

92 replies

Mademybed123 · 11/04/2019 20:26

That simply.

Married for over 10 years. Two children.

Various factors have meant that I have struggled emotionally with our infrequent sex life but after thought and reflection I now know I can't bear to sleep with him again.

I have used a physical issue to dissuade his advances so far but how do I close down the conversation once and for all? I find it stressful.

I know this situation isn't sustainable but I don't feel able to leave for a few months.
.

OP posts:
Angelinthenightx · 11/04/2019 20:27

Just have to be open with him & tell him how u feel.

LordNibbler · 11/04/2019 20:30

Be honest with him. I would think it's the least you can do.

ScreamingLadySutch · 11/04/2019 20:32

Why don't you want to sleep with him? Why is your sex life infrequent?

bongsuhan · 11/04/2019 20:33

a) I would like a divorce

or

b) What do you think about an open marriage

UAEMum · 11/04/2019 20:34

Why do you not want to sleep with your husband and why has your sex life been infrequent? Not being nosey, just think that the reasons may influence his potential response and how you should handle it.
Are you prepared for him to leave you over this? Is this what you want to happen?
10 years is not a long time to be married. Def not long enough for a no sex marriage to be normal imo.

SoyDora · 11/04/2019 20:35

You’re just going to have to tell him, and accept that the decision over whether to split or not may well not be in your hands.

Callistone · 11/04/2019 20:36

It depends on the reason.

If it's to do with a physical issue on your part, or lack of sex drive, then tell him - but it's likely to be an issue

If it's because you want to leave him, then you need to tell him that.

Original poster
Mademybed123 · 11/04/2019 20:38

Because he's made me feel unattractive and undesired for years, until he tries a quick grope when he wants sex.

Quick grope, PIV, he cums, game over.

He's not a bad person and I think he does love me, but finding myself sobbing after sex because my needs have never been important or I have never felt truly desired means I'm not going to put myself through it again.

I have tried to talk. It ended up all being about where I was at fault and the threat of him leaving me. I panicked and backed off.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 11/04/2019 20:39

Is it just him or everyone?

Is it unforgiveness or tiredness?

I hope you are ok. Take care.

AssassinatedBeauty · 11/04/2019 20:40

Do you want to stay in a relationship with him? He doesn't sound very nice if that's how he reacts when you try and discuss this.

Original poster
Mademybed123 · 11/04/2019 20:43

We have a good life, great kids, nice house and I will be ripping it all apart because I want to feel properly and truly loved and desired for me.

It's not an easy call to make. And it feels selfish.

OP posts:
StormBringers · 11/04/2019 20:44

How old is your youngest can I ask?

Scott72 · 11/04/2019 20:44

"It ended up being about where I was at fault and the threat of him leaving me". He does sounds like a bit of a bastard to be honest, but your marriage is over if you don't want sex ever again and he still does. Mentally prepare yourself that its done. Start looking up what your options are, and maybe see a lawyer.

Original poster
Mademybed123 · 11/04/2019 20:46

Youngest is in reception

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 11/04/2019 20:48

It's not selfish! Not at all. If you feel sad and unloved all the time that's not a great life.

SoyDora · 11/04/2019 20:48

The thing is, if you tell him you never want sex again (obviously completely your prerogative and from what you’ve said sounds justified) then potentially the ball isn’t in your court as to whether you split or not. Tell him how you feel and prepare for that to be the end of your relationship. Time to start looking at the logistics of a split I think.

Chloemol · 11/04/2019 20:54

Try explaining again how he makes you feel undesired and unattractive, how he doesn’t fulfil your needs and you want him to do so. If he then starts with the threat of leaving you be prepared to say fine I will pa i your things off you go

driftingcloud · 11/04/2019 21:02

That's really sad for both or you. Is there nothing that wouldnpersuade you. Is it to do with him? Or sex generally?

shiveringtimber · 11/04/2019 21:05

So sorry, OP! I would cry too if my H treated me so badly. I couldn't live with him, let alone have sex.

Original poster
Mademybed123 · 11/04/2019 21:07

It's not sex generally.

OP posts:
pointythings · 11/04/2019 21:08

Men don't like being told they're bad at sex, but a good man would take on board that he wasn't giving you what you need. Your H doesn't give a flying fuck about what you want and how you feel, he just wants his quickies.

So basically this is over. You deserve better. Start preparing to split up and live a much better life.

pipanchew2 · 11/04/2019 21:13

Have you considered counselling? It might be helpful to talk in a neutral setting with a mediator. It sounds like there are some good things about your marriage so it’s be a shame to break it down before you’ve tried...

missyB1 · 11/04/2019 21:17

But why would either of you want to stay in this marriage? He makes you feel unattractive and makes no effort to satisfy you, and you’ve decided you are never having sex with him again. What’s in it for either of you?!
Look you either both go to counselling and work hard to save the marriage or believe me it’s going to end.

Original poster
Mademybed123 · 11/04/2019 21:18

I asked, he didn't see the point.

I've seen a therapist, it just brought to the surface how deeply this has impacted me.

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 11/04/2019 21:20

1/ has someone else caught your eye?
2/ please ask him for a divorce so you can both move on, immediately.