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Original poster

How do I tell my DH I never want to sleep with him again?

92 replies

Mademybed123 · 11/04/2019 20:26

That simply.

Married for over 10 years. Two children.

Various factors have meant that I have struggled emotionally with our infrequent sex life but after thought and reflection I now know I can't bear to sleep with him again.

I have used a physical issue to dissuade his advances so far but how do I close down the conversation once and for all? I find it stressful.

I know this situation isn't sustainable but I don't feel able to leave for a few months.
.

OP posts:
Dieu · 12/04/2019 10:33

Some guys are just shit in bed. My ex husband was exactly how you describe. It didn't make him a bad person, just selfish and unwilling to change. In the 18 years we were together, he never once went down on me. I ended up not having sex with him, and he had an affair. Clichéd, or what?!
To be honest though, when one partner starts withholding sex, the relationship is dead in the water anyway. It's more important to a healthy relationship than I ever thought possible; just easy to lose sight of that I guess, when the sex is crap, or when affection is only ever shown as a prelude to sex.
Aah, sod it. He's still with the other woman now, and likely always will be, so I'm happy for her to have an unsatisfactory sex life ... instead of me!
Good luck Thanks

Original poster
Mademybed123 · 12/04/2019 11:20

I put up with the bad sex because I thought at some point in the future I'd work to sort it out, explain how it made me feel and what I needed.

I tried, it made me feel so destroyed by his reaction that I swore I would never try again.

The sex is a symptom of a relationship where he has never made me feel valued or truly wanted. But we have children and it's hard. Some days I want to sprint out the door, others I can't see a way out.

I don't find him attractive any more, I'm is it hurt and angry. We can get on as friends.

I know I'm desirable and can have, and deserve, wonderful satisfying sex and that realisation has been the making of me and the death of the future of my marriage.

But i need to know how to progress.

OP posts:
Thatsalovelycuppatea · 12/04/2019 11:33

Could you suggest open relationship? Try and talk to him saying something like that it could possibly open his eyes. I had to have this discussion re 'sex is not just for bed time' within the last year. I obviously didn't want an open relationship but it worked and he has made more effort. I know everyone is different though. I hope you are ok Thanks

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/04/2019 12:42

An "open relationship" is a crazy idea. It would need to come from a position of trust and respect at the very least, which isn't the case here.

From what you describe, if he is unwilling to have a proper conversation about this, then you are looking at separating. Can you talk to a counsellor about that? Start coming up with a way forward?

Robin2323 · 12/04/2019 12:55

Not counting the sex what were his good qualities that first attracted you to him?

Original poster
Mademybed123 · 12/04/2019 13:52

I was trying to think if an open relationship would work.

I don't think it would. It's not just sex, it's intimacy, desire, communication about feelings, it's all missing.

Having that with someone else is possible, attainable even, but the problem is it just makes the lack in my main relationship even more evident.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 12/04/2019 14:50

I guess the answer is to stay till your kids leave home and be vaguely unhappy for that entire time.

make your children feel like their home life is a bit off, but they can’t really put their finger on why.

Then when you’re older you can justify it all to yourself and tell your kids you stayed for their sake.

Meandwinealone · 12/04/2019 14:51

Obviously that’s a massive projection on my part. But that’s basically my childhood for you.

SoupDragon · 12/04/2019 15:04

But i need to know how to progress.

I think you need to tell him you want a divorce, not that you don't want to have sex with him again. Not having sex with him won't make you feel loved/desired/worth something so it won't solve that.

almondykess · 12/04/2019 15:42

If you no longer find him attractive, do not want sex with him and cannot imagine either of these things ever changing, then I agree with PP that you might be looking at a divorce. I mean, you don't intend to stay in a marriage like that until you're 80, do you?

SandyY2K · 12/04/2019 16:26

The biggest mistake women make is seeing faults in a man and thinking they can change him after marriage. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

It's all well and good saying he's selfish (and he is), but you accepted that selfish, chappie unsatisfying sex from the get go.

Why would he think you want anything different? For most people courtship is the probationary period of a relationship. He failed and you went on to marry him.

Thats like having a poor performing employee and rather than address their shortcomings, you promote them.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/04/2019 16:31

Staying with him is guaranteed misery.

He doesn’t sound very nice, at all. (Yeah yeah yeah nice house great dad....Hmm) And he certainly isn’t nice to you

Dadaist · 12/04/2019 17:14

Are you saying you’re having an affair OP. Because that’s a sure way to completely devalue your marriage and over-value your affair - it’s called affair fog. I don’t know whether your DH can learn to be a better more considerate partner. I don’t know if your marriage has a future. But I doubt you are in a place at the moment see as clearly as you think you can...not having a go - just sayin.

ScreamingLadySutch · 12/04/2019 17:20

Meandwinealone my children have unanimously told me that they much prefer us separated.

I think of the atmosphere it must have been like and feel very sad. I was so busy clinging on through my fear I never stopped to think what they felt.

Albamahanna · 12/04/2019 17:30

Would he be open to counselling? The NHS can offer sex counselling (I can't remember what it's called) or at least they could offer it two years ago. DH and I had it due to some difficulties in our sex life which was causing mental health problems. It was brilliant, taught us both a lot. But you would both need to be open to it.

SandyY2K · 12/04/2019 18:33

The sex is a symptom of a relationship where he has never made me feel valued or truly wanted

So even putting the unsatisfying sex aside... he never made you feel appreciated.

Have you previously been in bad relationships?

Do you have low self esteem as a result of your upbringing or some other reason?

I'm just unclear why you stayed in a relationship with him, much less married and had kids with him.

There was a recent thread where the OP questioned "why pp asked why did you have a child with this man?"

It's not like your DH changed from a lovely guy.....he was always a poor performer sexually and never made you feel valued.

Even if he miraculously got better in bed, the underlying issue of how he treats you still remains.

Perhaps he saw poor examples of relationships as he grew up and doesn't know any different. Which is what could happen to your DC, as they observe how he treats you. They normalise it.

ConfusedDH · 12/04/2019 19:28

@pissedonatrain "Time to be blunt with him. Just tell him he's shite in bed and if he doesn't figure out how to please you, you're out of there"

Not a personal dig at you, as there is other advice on this thread with a similar narrative, and I wonder how that would go down if the sexes were reversed? A woman coming on here reporting that her husband told her that she's shite in bed and that if she doesn't figure out how to please her DH, she's out of there?

I suspect the internet would explode.

kamikazeshady · 12/04/2019 19:35

It kinda sounds to me as though you have already caught the attention of other men, for you to know that there is a possibility of having another relationship before you've even come to terms with ending your marriage. That's just my opinion of course and my take on how I've read your comments.

Original poster
Mademybed123 · 12/04/2019 19:36

I wish the sex was the worse bit. It's a symptom.
Why did I have kids with this man? Because was in love and felt like I was lucky to win him - a narrative that has defined our relationship. I'm lucky to have him, he's better than me.
Worse thing, he judges the same things my parents did. Maybe that is why I was attracted, I was craving his validation as I had my parents.
When i noticed my own child saying the same cutting and dismissive remarks to me, I knew it was wrong.
I don't think he's awful, just trying to be funny. But it hurts. No compliments, no affection, no caring about giving me pleasure or joy hurts.

Finding it from someone else is a relevation. Being alone and happy in my own skin would be a joy.

But how to I rip my children's lives apart?
.

OP posts:
Mommaof2x · 12/04/2019 19:41

I find it crazy when people on here jump to divorce, you can separate, see how it goes, u may end up doing couples theory, h losing u and the kids might make him a better husband, which is worth trying if you’re feeling guilty for the kids

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/04/2019 20:06

It's not good for your children to see a dysfunctional relationship and an unhappy mum. That's worth thinking about, and whether carrying on as you are is more damaging in the long run.

ittakes2 · 12/04/2019 20:27

Relate has sex therapists - maybe one can help.

SoupDragon · 12/04/2019 20:29

...might make him a better husband

What from the OP's posts gives you that impression?

ChiaraRimini · 12/04/2019 20:30

The bit of your OP that stood out was that you tried to talk to him and it ended up being all about your faults and how he might leave you.
So he deflected any criticism onto you? Doesn't sound like a man who is prepared to listen or change.

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/04/2019 20:34

I never thought of myself as truly desired by my X. It still surprises me how much love and affection my husband shows me, he makes me feel sexy and that makes desire him and need to be close to him. I now have a very happy marriage, I feel safe and that's wonderful for my self-esteem.

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