How do I tell my DH I never want to sleep with him again?

[Mademybed123]

That simply.

Married for over 10 years. Two children.

Various factors have meant that I have struggled emotionally with our infrequent sex life but after thought and reflection I now know I can't bear to sleep with him again.

I have used a physical issue to dissuade his advances so far but how do I close down the conversation once and for all? I find it stressful.

I know this situation isn't sustainable but I don't feel able to leave for a few months.
.

It's not an easy call to make. And it feels selfish.

It’s not easy, but it’s not selfish either.
I think endeavouring to get your deepest needs met is really important, maybe it’s even what our life is for.
I don’t deny it will be disruptive, but it’s a fantastic thing for your kids to see you doing. You’ll be giving them permission to do that too. wouldn’t you want your children to have their deepest needs met?
Or put the other way, would you want to stay in a marriage where you don’t feel deeply loved, seen, appreciated and desired for who you are? Would you want to teach your children that is what the nature of intimate relationship is?

Op, you deserve to feel desired and valued.
To be loved deeply, to be really seen and accepted as we are is a deeply healing thing.
In my life it’s been almost miraculously healing.

Please give yourself some space and time to think about what your needs are, and what it might mean to get your needs met
All the best with it op

Thank you

Go and talk to a solicitor before you give him even the smallest hint that you are calling it quits.

Take the time to make solid plans and to understand your future finances.

You will start to feel stronger the instant you start getting your dicks in a row.

If you are seeing someone else or contemplating it, put this relationship on the back burner until you have got to the bottom of your relationship with your parents and addressed what drives you in relationships, or you risk repeating a negative pattern.

@ConfusedDH interesting the only comment you make on this thread is about how something is worded.

Why not actually give some advice to OP?

If you've read any at all on here, there is no shortage of horrible terrible things husbands have said and done to their wives and children on here.

Someone always trots out a comment like that, pissedonatrain.

It's so predictable it could be used in a drinking game.

mathanxiety
I had to laugh

You will start to feel stronger the instant you start getting your dicks in a row.

Dicks would be helpful at this point

Not sure about a row of them, though!

OMGOMGOMG

dicks

I do have quite a lot of time to make up for...

OP, i think you married my ex, whom I left for eaxactly the description in your post. I don't have any advice, but leaving was the best thing i ever did. Given that you have children i think it could be a valuable lesson to them to see you value yourself l.

Hi op.
How are you doing today?
I hope you find your way through this.

I'm living my life I suppose. Going through the motions, not sure how to handle conversations where the future is mentioned.

Trying not to be angry, or sad. Wondering what the future holds.

Thinking I wish I was with someone else. Somewhere else, and no idea how to make that happen.

If you have given up, it is REALLY important to get all the financial information you can together and make plans like renting and solicitors without alerting him.

But you have to be fair. Are you absolutely sure you have made it clear how unhappy you are with the lack of affection and being seen as an appliance?
It won't change anything if he is how you describe. But he cannot then be shocked that he wasn't given a warning.

Keep pushing with the counselling thing. If he refuses, then his lack of cooperation is in the open.

Separation sucks. But it is a lot more peaceful not being mistreated, than it is being alone (iykwim). That walking on eggshells is really tiring, and it is sad finding out later how much the children were affected by it.

Ah op :( have you made any progress towards leaving? Maybe spoken to a solicitor? Collecting papers?

We have big extended family things happening early summer. I'm wary of blowing up my family before those happen so thinking of waiting it out. Maybe until early Sept?

I wouldn't wait, life's too short. In September there'll be a whole host of other things on the horizon. Good luck.

Before you have the conversation you need to be clear on what you are asking him to do. You have already said that you don’t think an open relationship will work but also that you are scared that he will leave you. Do you want him to be celibate? Do you want him to get some counselling and try to fix things? Do you want a divorce? Which alternative suggestions from him are you willing to consider? It’s best to go into these kinds of discussions with a sense of direction. Work out for yourself what you think you need and then have a productive discussion with him.