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Relationships

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Original poster

How do I tell my DH I never want to sleep with him again?

92 replies

Mademybed123 · 11/04/2019 20:26

That simply.

Married for over 10 years. Two children.

Various factors have meant that I have struggled emotionally with our infrequent sex life but after thought and reflection I now know I can't bear to sleep with him again.

I have used a physical issue to dissuade his advances so far but how do I close down the conversation once and for all? I find it stressful.

I know this situation isn't sustainable but I don't feel able to leave for a few months.
.

OP posts:

AssassinatedBeauty · 12/04/2019 00:20

@Onemansoapopera that's a totally unjustified question, come on.

If he's not even willing to try counselling then he hasn't left you with many options. I think I'd be planning how to separate and then once I'd got my thoughts together on that I'd explain to him that's what I wanted to do.

Simonfromharlow · 12/04/2019 00:29

End the marriage. For both your sakes.

My husband told me in November he thought he wanted to leave me. He then backtracked and I've been making a fool of myself since trying to make it better so he wouldn't leave. Tonight I got fed up and asked him what he wants and he said he still wasn't sure so I told him to leave. I felt totally stupid being in a relationship that wasn't working.

Free yourself and your husband. You still have time to start your life again. I wish I'd ended it with my husband the first time he said anything. You could find someone who gave you what you wanted and be truly happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/04/2019 03:47

Get the hell out of this marriage. It's already over, you just haven't admitted it to yourself. You will be SO much happier.

mathanxiety · 12/04/2019 04:52

We have a good life, great kids, nice house and I will be ripping it all apart because I want to feel properly and truly loved and desired for me.

It's not an easy call to make. And it feels selfish

You will be surprised how good you feel about the decision when the stress of waiting for him to grope you is over and you are not faced with constant reminders of how painful and unhappy your relationship is.

The relationship will grind you down and you won't have much to offer the children. Nobody can live without hope of things improving and he has shut the door on that. It is such a deep human need - to know he is not meeting it and to carry on regardless is cruel.

Talk to a solicitor about property. You will also need to talk about custody of the children, parental rights, where you will live, child support.

Look for support for yourself again - are you still seeing the therapist you had before? Could you go back and talk about planning to leave this time?

Monty27 · 12/04/2019 05:13

But he doesn't make you feel special. That's the key

Coyoacan · 12/04/2019 05:14

Uuf, IMHO, there is nothing worst than when your enjoyment of sex is over in a relationship. I think a couple can come back from a lot of problems, but when the sex ends, the marriage ends.

ScreamingLadySutch · 12/04/2019 06:35

There is a really good book called 'his needs, her needs' which validates what you say.

The counsellor says that men are not really wired to be affectionate the way women need (very bad summary, but bear with me), but he said THEY CAN LEARN.

He said: they never ever in their commercial lives say to a client 'come here you turkey, and sign this deal' because it would lose them the deal. And the same thing applies to how they treat women. Gentle, caresses, loving - lots of sex. Piece of meat on which to empty - no sex.

I think you need to be very firm, and tell him that you ARE going to counselling, it is happening on such and such a day at this time, and for you it is a real test on whether he cares enough to want to change the rut you have got in, or not. Tell him that whilst you really hope that he comes with you, his reaction (come/not come) is the REAL crunch for the decision you will make after this.

And then stick to this. After that you can make decisions about no sex /divorce/open marriage/sex workers ever again.

But you also need to be open to your part to play: at the beginning, were you in touch with your own sexuality? Did you say touch here stroke that etc? Did you communicate sexually? Maybe your own shyness stopped him learning about you [maybe] ... If this is true and you admit it and tell him you want to start again, he might be less defensive.

TheStuffedPenguin · 12/04/2019 06:38

Take it from someone who was in a sexless marriage , the impact of it reaches into all aspects of your married life . When you do not desire someone or are made to feel wanted then you are living a half life . That special closeness ( and I'm not talking the sex) just isn't there . Now I know what that the other side is like - the feeling of being wanted and desired and special to him and it permeates all of our life, the decisions we make , the life we have together . I feel so lucky to have this now after wasting my time on an emotionally retarded man for so long .

Shoxfordian · 12/04/2019 06:56

He's basically been treating you like a sex doll. It's really selfish and I would bet that he's selfish in other ways as well. Ltb

Mememeplease · 12/04/2019 07:08

screaming makes a lot of sense if he wants to save the marriage but I'm not sure he does and anyway, it might be a case of too little, too late, for you.

Jenasaurus · 12/04/2019 07:15

I stopped wanting sex with my ex. We had been together 28 years since school and had 3 children and a lovely home together. When he wanted see a typical advance would be a grope from behind while I was washing up and the comments. How about some rumpy pumpy. He wasn’t actually bad at sex and spent time on my needs but his approach made me feel like I was a bodily function for him and not someone to show affection and love to. He once said. How can I find you attractive with that and pointed at my belly. I had recently had our DD and was feeling insecure about my weight. He denied saying it as well as other comments but your situation reminds me of mine. In the end I used avoidance techniques like getting my DD to fall asleep in my bed. The sex died and then the love. However I since met a man who makes me want sex all the time as he makes it clear he finds me attractive and loved. It’s not you OP your DH has forgotten to show you affection and love, thinking sex is just as good a way of showing it. Well it’s not. I’ve been there and it will only get worse. I would suggest telling him honestly how his hurtful comments about not finding you attractive make you feel. No one would want sex with someone who doesn’t desire them. I hope you find a way through this but to me it looks like the beginning of the end x

RiversDisguise · 12/04/2019 07:35

Life's too short for bad sex.

"With my body I three worship."

He ended the marriage by not making the earth move for you. End it and find a man who's good in bed.

RiversDisguise · 12/04/2019 07:35

Thee, not three... naughty autocorrect.

Shoxfordian · 12/04/2019 07:43

Has sex with him always been like this? Why did you do it more than once if it has?

Scott72 · 12/04/2019 08:09

"When he wanted see a typical advance would be a grope from behind while I was washing up and the comments. How about some rumpy pumpy."

He was projecting his wants and needs onto yours. But any reflection should have shown this approach was just ineffective. However on the other hand what approach would have worked? He, and I'm sure most other men, simply don't have a clue. Its easier at the start of a relationship when there's strong mutual desire, but what about after that?

PicsInRed · 12/04/2019 08:11

Lundy Bancroft mentions your husband. He is the Sexual Controller.

He withholds sex from you, then delivers it AT you in a way that is unpleasant and infrequent, probably just to mark his territory TBH. The lack of romantic and sexual affection accompanied by random, unwanted grabbing/groping is grim and degrading of you as a human being.

As a sexual controller, he likely exhibits other controlling behaviours. Have a Google, I think you'll find him there in black and white and it will all become clear to you.

Get out while you're young.

64632K · 12/04/2019 08:21

OP that is truly awful and you shouldn't have to feel like that, if he's unwilling to talk about it or hear what you are saying then this goes beyond a question of sex, its about respect.

DH and I never really focused on a sexual relationship, we were seeing each other for years before we were married and there was no sex, just real intimate non sexual moments which to me were and still are now, far more important. It formed a deeper connection between us and something we have until this day, I couldn't be without it.

OverMoon · 12/04/2019 08:22

Rather than tell him you never want sex with him again, I’d be honest and tell him he’s so bad at sex, it actually makes you cry and feel terrible about yourself, so you don’t want sex with HIM. Ask him to google “foreplay” and “pleasing a woman in bed.”

Don’t let him make it seem like your fault, when actually it’s his fault.

And don’t feel guilty if you end up leaving the marriage. A partner who doesn’t make you feel special or attractive is no way to live, it’s horrible. You deserve good self-esteem. You deserve better.

NameChangeNugget · 12/04/2019 09:06

Is there an OM OP?

TooTrueToBeGood · 12/04/2019 09:16

My guess is trying to tell him why will just be turned back on you. He'll make it all your fault and you'll end up gaslighted and even more confused and conflicted than you are now. This marriage is slowly destroying you and it won't get better. Make plans and end it. You deserve the chance to find happiness and your children deserve a happy mum.

pissedonatrain · 12/04/2019 09:35

Time to be blunt with him. Just tell him he's shite in bed and if he doesn't figure out how to please you, you're out of there.

ScreamingLadySutch · 12/04/2019 09:52

But say it caringly. Reactivity is a TERRIBLE way to solve problems. If you attack someone, you are guaranteeing they will go on to the defensive.

Say the boundary kindly, but make it clear (ie the test is if you will come to counselling at this time on this day with me, because to me that shows you do care about me and you would also like great mutual sex.). If he doesn't/he refuses to change, then he is getting off on being like this and that tells you what you need to know.

Towards the end and before he had his affair, my ex also treated me like a piece of meat. No affection and then grabbing my hand and leading me upstairs.

I was always up for it

Man4allseasons · 12/04/2019 09:59

I was in a relationship which was the other way around. My xw was the sexual controller.

She almost NEVER wanted sex, but when she did, it was always her that initiated it, always in bed, always at night. I wasn't allowed to do anything that you might consider foreplay. I was totally made to feel like a human sex toy.

We were married for 20 years... two (now grown up) kids, good house etc etc... I eventually had enough, and got out. It took a while to get over it, but I'm dating again, and have discovered that some women actually enjoy foreplay and sex.. Who knew!

GetOffTheTableMabel · 12/04/2019 10:14

Are you really saying

“I never want to have sex with you again”

or are you saying

“I never want to have unsatisfying, perfunctory sex with you again because it makes me feel worthless and I have decided that I am not going to allow you to make me feel like that again.”

They are two quite different conversations. If his treatment of you has been such that you know that you literally never want sex with him again then, it’s probably a conversation about divorce. If actually, if he changed and valued you, there’s a possibility that you might consider it, then it’s a conversation about counselling.

You are right to initiate whichever discussion it is. You deserve respect. Don’t settle for a marriage that doesn’t offer any.
Sending you strength and resolve.

libelullegirl · 12/04/2019 10:32

My first husband was the same...he would want sex for himself not for mutual satisfaction and I would feel physically sick when he made advances. I felt trapped and sick for years. (In fact I still - 15 years on - have a recurring nightmare about being trapped back with him.)

When I finally said I couldn't have sex any more it became clear the marriage was over.

Very very difficult but my god I felt so much better and went on to meet a man who treats me like a princess.

Please please don't waste your life away staying in a relationship where you don't feel valued and loved and desired. You deserve all those things and it's not selfish xx

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