Feeling very stupid about an online test I just did. (5 love languages)

[PrincessToadstoolOfToadlandia]

Sorry, I'm feeling really pathetic right now and crying like an idiot.

My husband and I have had difficulties from the start. We have been together for 8 years but we have always communicated very differently. He tends to bottle things up, I prefer to talk it out. I am very physically affectionate. Not just with sex, but touching, cuddling, kissing, hand holding. When I receive physical affection that's when I most feel loved. I also like hearing that he loves me.

My husband isn't overly physically affectionate. I've learned to accept that and just get on with it. He also isn't the sort to tell you how much he loves you or say lovely things and compliment me. This is who he is, he doesn't talk about his feelings. It makes him visibly uncomfortable.

The downside to this is that when he has something critical to say it can feel very harsh. Like he only criticises me because it's not being softened by the complimentary stuff the rest of the time.

On his side he probably feels like he has an octopus for a wife who is always trying to hug him and sit next to him when he just wants his own space to breathe.

I love him to bits and we are on the same page about everything that really matters. Our arguments have always come from the way we express ourselves.

So long story longer I was recommended this book The five languages of love by a hcp who thought it would help with my feelings that he doesn't love me because he isn't very demonstrative. I ordered it today and saw that there is a test you can take online.

So we both did it and emailed each other the results.

Mine was basically as I thought it would be.

9 Physical Touch
9 Words of Affirmation
7 Quality Time
4 Acts of Service
1 Receiving Gifts

His was nearly the exact opposite. Dead last with 1 point was physical affection.

Now I bought the book thinking that it would be useful for me to see the ways he is showing love as we obviously are very different people

But actually looking at that little test and thinking that for every question where 'cuddle' 'hug' 'sex' were offered, he chose anything else is really upsetting me. How do I get past that? I don't want to feel like every time I give him a hug he's quietly wishing I would just fuck off.

www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/

Try to use the results in a constructive way to help you communicate better. He knows you need a hug and you know he wants the occasional present or cup of tea. It can be positive to know this about each other although you could be happier with someone who has a similar style in the longer term.

Isn’t it supposed to help you accept each other’s differences and not see it as a lack, just a different way of showing love.

We're similar to you two, OP. I'm very tactile and love hugs, and will tell him I love him every day, whereas DP can't stand being hugged and finds it hard to express himself with words. He will, however, randomly buy me presents as that's his language.

In our case he is on the spectrum, so at least I know there's a reason for it, which maybe makes things slightly easier to accept. We have learnt to compromise. I rarely ask for a hug, but when I do he knows I really need one so will oblige, though I know it's difficult for him. He will also let me give him a hug if I think he 'needs' one. I know he doesn't really, but if he's really upset about something it's the only way I know how to comfort him, so it's really to make me feel better than it is him. Luckily he's learnt this so will accept it.

I get my need for touch fulfilled from other people. Friends who like hugging, and their children. It's not the same, but I cope.

I think the way to get through it is to understand he didn't choose those answers to hurt you, and actually, he's taken a risk opening up to you so much like this. What was his top choice? Can you discuss compromising, so that sometimes you can get a hug without being pushed away, and at the same time you make an effort to accept the love he gives you in other ways?

!sn’t it supposed to help you accept each other’s differences and not see it as a lack, just a different way of showing love.

Yes, absolutely it is, and I will read the book when it arrives and hopefully, I will able to get that out of it. But right now all I can think is he's just rather me not touch him.

Try to use the results in a constructive way to help you communicate better. He knows you need a hug and you know he wants the occasional present or cup of tea. It can be positive to know this about each other although you could be happier with someone who has a similar style in the longer term.

But I don't want a hug from someone who feels like he's doing it out of duress, do you know what I mean?

I knew physical touch wasn't going to be high up, but I just didn't expect a 1. 1 makes me feel like I shouldn't touch him. 1 makes me feel like a sexual predator.

Read the book.

It will help explain how you can get past this - IF your partner wants to too.

I remember crying when I read it because it seemed so hard to hear about all those couples misunderstanding each other, but then managing to speak each others' love languages even just a little bit because they were willing to make the effort.

Your H won't be hating every hug, he just won't see it as a sign of your love for him in the same way he would the other stuff. But now he's done the test, he might start to see it that way (do you see if for him?).

It's not under duress if you are making the effort to please your partner, it shows you are engaged in the relationship and want to make them happy.

You don't have to reverse your own love language and nor does your H, but being aware of it might make you appreciate, for example, his gifts or his "acts of service".

In my case H's language was "Acts of service" and when he stopped doing them for me, I knew things were pretty bad. He was also not prepared to use "words of affirmation" for me despite it being my number 1 language.

I think the way to get through it is to understand he didn't choose those answers to hurt you, and actually, he's taken a risk opening up to you so much like this. What was his top choice? Can you discuss compromising, so that sometimes you can get a hug without being pushed away, and at the same time you make an effort to accept the love he gives you in other ways?

No, I didn't even say anything to him. I didn't want to upset him as it isn't easy for him to open up and I didn't want him to feel punished because I don't like his answers. I wanted honesty that'll teach me

His top result was Words of Affirmation which I was really surprised by actually, asI didn't think he really liked me opening up. I guess he does, he just doesn't enjoy doing it himself.

Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Physical Touch

I feel like he'd rather I remember to grab him a Crunchie bar on the way home than to give him a kiss.

Your H won't be hating every hug, he just won't see it as a sign of your love for him in the same way he would the other stuff. But now he's done the test, he might start to see it that way (do you see if for him?).

I think he knows that I love him and that that's how I show affection. I have pretty low self esteem and it's always been hard for me to believe he loves me especially when he doesn't show it the way I understand it. But If polishing his hub caps means more to him than a blow job though I guess I need to keep it in mind now.

I got the following:

9 Words of Affirmation
7 Acts of Service
6 Quality Time
6 Receiving Gifts
2 Physical Touch

For me it just means that the spoken word is more important to me than a guy mauling me.

What was your partner's top score?

Hhahhaha, crossed posts! I have the exact same result as your partner - Ask me anything!

You say you think he knows you love him, maybe he thinks YOU know he loves you because he is showing it every day.

Yes he probably would prefer your to get him something which shows you were thinking of him while you were away from him and which shows you care enough to pay attention to what he likes.

Wait and read the book, you sound very hung up on the fact that physical touch is the ONLY REAL way to show love.

On the other hand, I understand that even if intellectually you know that he is showing love through "his love language", it can be hard to FEEL it - which is why it would be great if you talk about it with him and follow up from the quiz by at least trying to speak each others' languages a bit.

If it's any help, this is what my result told me:

Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

9Acts of Service
7Receiving Gifts
7Words of Affirmation
4Physical Touch
3Quality Time

This was mine, physical touch was fairly low. I think if my dh did the test then it would be higher for him, he's always after a cuddle

The questions were occasionally a toss up between for e.g. it's more meaningful to me to hold hands on the beach or when my partner gives me a compliment.

It means probably that he likes to hear that you love him more than anything.

For me it just means that the spoken word is more important to me than a guy mauling me.

I have the exact same result as your partner - Ask me anything!

Tbh the "mauling" me comment kind of told me everything I wanted to know :(

You say you think he knows you love him, maybe he thinks YOU know he loves you because he is showing it every day.

You're probably right. And I think he does find it confusing that I don't seem to "get it" that he loves me.

And the book should be helpful for that hopefully.

Lol, sorry, that was before I knew we had the same results. It wasn't meant as an insult.

I've always felt that I love 'with my brain' rather than my body. So I fall in love with a person, not their body. That make sense?

I'm not even a very physical person with other people. I cuddle my kids and my husband.

I give the worst hugs to anyone else and I'm incredibly awkward when other people touch me. I go along with it to be polite but I always feel weird.

Lol, sorry, that was before I knew we had the same results. It wasn't meant as an insult.

I didn't take it as an insult, it's just what I fear dh is thinking and it really upsets me.

Sounds like test trying to make you buy a book. Love is a verb I think showing your love. Talk is cheap. I would rather a crunchie bar than a kiss. ( I am a chocoholic).

I'd already bought the book, the test didn't make me think I need the book, it made me think I need a good divorce lawyer.

I think if it's constant physical contact, to me (and I'm only speaking for me, not your partner obviously), it can be tedious. I've been known to say - "why don't you sit over there and I'll sit over here - I prefer this seat" when it gets too much lol. I probably sound like some sort of hostile hedgehog, but I'm not. But I much prefer intelligent conversation and physical contact initiated by me after my brain has been engaged for a while.
With one of my exes I actually put a line of pillows in the middle of the bed so that he would stop putting his paw on me. 'Now that's your side, this is mine' PMSL (I'm aware that I sound horrible - I'm not really - I just don't like being touched all the time).

I must get this book myself. Might help me understand the more touchy feely types.

I think if it's constant physical contact, to me (and I'm only speaking for me, not your partner obviously), it can be tedious. I've been known to say - "why don't you sit over there and I'll sit over here - I prefer this seat"

Is it possible that what you perceive as "constant" and what another sees as "infrequent" are possibly the same thing though? Dh wants his seat on the sofa, he won't specifically say I should sit elsewhere just make little comments about the sofa not being quite comfy with two people on it, pr keep shifting around until I move.

So for the most part I just stick to my space.

I remember dating one guy and he literally devoured me with his eyes and wouldn't take his hands off me. He sent me a text one day, 'I'm your limpet'. I nodded to myself and said yes, that's what you are - now time for you to go!
I would say that he loves your brain and intellect OP.
That's a lot more enduring that your physical good looks.

It's about learning to compromise and understand. My top was quality time and husbands top was acts of service. Now I make a special effort to do more things around the house and he makes more effort to spend time together. That's the whole point.
He loves you the same but shows it in different ways.